Friday, August 19, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Open Post: Hosted By The Lifelike Prince William & Duchess Kate Dolls Top
British toy store Hamleys reached into the depths of Team America hell and pulled out these terrifying dolls of Prince William and Duchess Kate . They nailed it! The Prince William doll looks like a nutcracker that can crack a walnut without even opening its mouth gate of big ass teefs. Just put a nut up to that doll and it will crack itself. The Kate Middleton doll is an act of terror and I feel like I should flip up her head to pull out a PEZ tab of nightmares. I'd rather spoon with Leech Woman from Puppetmaster than that dream-killing Duchess Kate doll. That Kate Middleton doll would just stare at you with those raccoon eyes all night and waitwaitwaitwaitwait until you finally scream out, " Okay, I'll fucking marry you! You win !"
 
Joe Man Jello Is Big Dick Richie Top
If Steven Soderbergh is trying to make coochies and culos foam at the mouth like Cujo with this Magic Mike movie, then it's working. Steven's Magic Mike is about Channing Tatum's days as a dick-flapping, nalgas-shaking, nipple-pinching, oil-slathering stripper and almost every casting announcement is like an orgasm from heaven. So far, the cast includes Channing Tatum (eh), Alex Pettyfer (total douchehole but stills a ! from me), Matt Bomer (!!), Matthew McConaughey (eh squared), William Levy (!!!) and now True Blood's Joe Manganiello has hopped on the Panty Creamer Express as Big Dick Richie. Steven just has to cast Boris Kodjoe as Bigger Dick Richie and Carrot Top, and he can officially change the title to Wet Dreams Do Come True . (I know, I always have to break the buzz in your loins by bringing up Carrot Top.) This is like Showgirls but with 1000% more peen. Showpeens! Steven better shoot this in (CL)IMAX 3D and release all the outtakes on an unrated DVD that comes wrapped in the used stripper chonies of one of the cast members. Steven also better hold an open call for fluffers or opposite-fluffers (since I've been known to bring a peen down with talks of Carrot Top, for example). That being said, poor movie employees will soon find out what Tommy Girl's clean up crew have to deal with when they go down to his dungeon.
 
BREAKING: JLo Is Still Acting Like A Diva Bitch Top
The day that we hear that JLo is a pleasure to work with and makes all of her co-workers bust out a smile as they nominate her for EMPLOYEE OF THE CENTURY is a day that will never ever come. The chance of that happening is right up there with the world's fattest fatty fat fat bitch NOT accidentally suffocating her dog with her double down fupa cleavage of death. Everyone knows that all spell checks should be updated to automatically correct the word " BITCH " to " JLO ." We all know this. JLo can't sing and can't act, but one thing she can do is bring the bitchery in heavy doses. The cast and crew of her new shit show What To Expect When You're Expecting (aka Valentine's Day meets a pile of labor poop) are witnessing this for themselves every day says Gatecrasher : Jennifer Lopez is keeping to herself these days - at least on movie sets. A source on the location yesterday of "What to Expect When You're Expecting," which stars the recently separated Lopez along with a slew of other A-listers, tells us the 42-year-old "wouldn't talk to anyone directly" on the Piedmont Park set in Atlanta, and would converse with people only "through her handler." JLo knows that she has a reputation as a diva-plated asshole to uphold, so of course she's going to pull out some ridiculous shit like this. But what JLo doesn't know is that she's actually bestowing an act of kindness upon the damn crew. I mean, would you rather talk to JLo's handlers or would you rather pop an eye vein by trying to not roll your sight balls while talking to JLo herself? Exactly. Joke's on that bitch. Fishsticks Paltrow better almost run over more jaywalkers , because JLo is trying to snatch away GOOP's sainthood without even trying.
 
Blame It On Gérard Depardieu's Prostate Top
The story that turned Mah Boo into an adorable ball of miss girl giggles is not all what it streams (Freudian typo, I swear), so says the aisle pisser of France himself. The story goes that Gérard Depardieu's plane was delayed on the tarmac and when a flight attended told him he couldn't blow a piss kiss into the bathroom toilet, he whipped out his rolled-up crotch crepe and gave everyone a golden shower show in middle of the aisle. Some of us figured that the old drunk was just trying to piss off that flight attendant by pissing out in the open. But Gérard is now letting out a river of I'm sorries and says that he was not drunked up and it's all his prostate's fault. Gérard's friend Edouard Baer , who was traveling next to him, explained it all to the PPC : "Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess. He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves." Edouard also claims that Gérard tried to empty his bladder into a bottle, but that shit overflowed and spilled all over the floor. A different passenger says that Gérard kept screaming " Je veux pisser, je veux pisser! " and said that bitch had the drunks. Gérard is an overblown cunt balloon with a nose like a swollen dick, but he doesn't need to apologize. We should be the one sending him a thank you bouquet of Depends flowers. If he never pissed out my official review of Green Card in the middle of that plane, Mah Boo would've never done this: You know the saying, " Golden showers brings me flowers in the form of THAT GIF. "
 
The Photoshop Awards: Kelly Bensimon On Shape Magazine Top
If the Mayans are right and 2012 is the year of We're Fucked, then that means 2011 is the year of Fuck It which makes sense when you look at this cover of The Real Housewives of NYC's Kelly Benismon on September's Shape Magazine . Yes, THAT Kelly Bensimon. The Kelly Bensimon who really looks like a water-damaged leather duffel bag handle with tits that are slowly starting to migrate to her back so that they can slide down and escape out of her asshole. Shape Magazine didn't even try to make that ho on the cover look like Kelly Bensimon. Bitches used the hell out of the Honey Badger tool on Photoshop! You know, I take it back. This isn't the work of Photoshop. This is the work of copy + Elmer's. The body, the face, the earrings and the hair are all strangers to each other and were forced together in a nightmare land. This is basically the Breakfast Club of magazine covers. I've seen badly cut out paper dolls that look more human than this. And Kelly told Shape (via Radar ) that despite the rumors that the bad shit has eaten the sanity out of her brains, she's completely drug-free: "My body is like a Ferrari. I know what it needs to run well — and that doesn't include drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes." A Ferrari? HO STOP. More like the torn out leather seat of a broken Ferrari that has been left out in the middle of a junkyard for the pit bulls to chew at. Here's Kelly working her real body last March in a photo shoot for Abs of Meth.
 
How Dare Anthony Bourdain Insult The Deep Fried Butter Queen Of America! Top
Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations seems like a kinky motherfucker who will handcuff you to his Waterworks kitchen faucet and smear your body with melted butter made from the milk of rare miniature cows imported from Holland, but butter will never melt for him again now that he has verbally thrown a ham at Paula Deen' s face . Anthony took a break from eating panda brain burgers and capybara nipple pasta to cross his legs, purse his lips and get Paltrow-like on the kids in the cafeteria who buy lunch every day. Anthony had some real shit to say to TV Guide about Paula, Rachael Ray, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri (government name: Heat Miser): "The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she's proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you . . . plus, her food sucks." About Ray: "Does she even cook anymore? . . . To her credit, she never said she was good at it." On Lee: "I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly." And Fieri: "I look at Guy and I just think, 'Jesus, I'm glad that's not me.' " Anthony can keep spitting out hate balls of cuntness at Rachael Ray since she's about as annoying as a dizzy dick who keeps hitting your taint instead of your sex hole. Sandra Lee can't hear what Anthony is saying about her since she's passed out head first in a punch bowl full of cooking wine, melted orange Popsicles and Fiesta Punch Shasta (aka chilled fizzy sangria). Guy Fieri, who cares about his ass. But Paula Deeeeeeeen?!!!!? Yes, a pacemaker shows up at my front door every time I see Paula make something like funnel cake grilled cheese, but she IS America. Paula's hair is the shade of a bald eagle's tear and she squirts out Ranch dressing (the official food of America)! Paula Deen is dangerous, alright. Dangerously delicious! Paula pulled out her butter bat and hit back at the pretension shit Anthony launched out of his mouth. Paula told Page Six : "Anthony Bourdain needs to get a life. You don't have to like my food, or Rachael's, Sandra's and Guy's. But it's another thing to attack our character. I wake up every morning happy for where I am in life. It's not all about the cooking, but the fact that I can contribute by using my influence to help people all over the country. In the last two years, my partners and I have fed more than 10 million hungry people by bringing meat to food banks. My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable." You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine. My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills . . . It wasn't that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too." I think what Paula really means is that her butter elves are currently trying to lure Anthony into her heart attack factory using Siberian tiger steaks. Don't be surprised if on the next episode of Paula's Home Cooking , you see her making double deep fried Bourdain butt cheeks with a candy apple butter sauce. " Cannibalism never tasted so good, y'all!" Anthony really needs to stop being such a fancy queen. You know he'd down low nibble on Paula's butter crumble muffin if she served one up to him.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 18th! Top
For the interpretive dance competition, Geneviève reenacts the urban myth of how Louisiana's early settlers came up with the name "Baton Rouge." - PortaPetey Runners-up: Cisco Adler begins his new career with Cirque du Soleil - _fail_ Lady Gaga decided that with all the Vadge comparisons, she should just let hers do the singing for her. - guyfromhoboken Ahhhh... the joy of new batteries! - Aunt B via Break.com
 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top
The ginger pussycat and the baby deer who went public with their love at Ukraine's Odessa Zoo by canoodling in front of everyone. There was so much fugness on Dlisted yesterday (see: Kardashians, Vanilla Gorilla, Scott Isadick, Kat Von D, etc...) that I felt we needed a palate cleanser in the form of this precious portrait of interspecies love. The photographer said the pussy and the deer sat there together for a while. They went to AWWWW base by rubbing up against each other's faces for a while. (Or maybe that cat is just basting that deer with its own scent and is getting ready to chew some fawn face.) No, I have no idea why a regular cat is in a zoo. Maybe IN THIS ECONOMY and the price of tiger food being on the rise, they had to get rid of the big cats and bring in the house cats. If you go down to the next exhibit, you'll probably find a hamster sitting on a rhino's head or a gold fish hanging out with a dolphin. Whatever the case may be, I, for one, am happy that Milo found a new friend since Otis is too busy throwing himself out of planes and shit. via Metro (For Brian)
 
Birthday Sluts Top
John Stamos (48) Romeo (22) Erika Christensen (29) Callum Blue (34) Tracie Thoms (36) Fat Joe (41) Nate Dogg (42) Paula Jai Parker (42) Matthew Perry (42) Tabitha Soren (44) LeAnn Womack (45) Kevin Dillon (46) Kyra Sedgwick (46) Adam Arkin (55) Peter Gallagher (56) Jonathan Frakes (59) Tipper Gore (63) Gerald McRaney (64) Bill Clinton (65) Johnny Nash (71) Jill St. John (71) Ginger Baker (72)
 
Who Wore The Bouffant Mullet Better? Top
On the left is Benicio Del Toro on the set of Watching TV in the Front Yard: The True Story of Michael K's Uncle and on the right is Tuấn Anh , the velvet Elvis painting that was brought to life when the ghost of Liberace kissed it gently on the lips. You know, Benicio is trying hard to win this battle, but a vote against Tuấn is a vote against beauty. Tuấn is a Vietnamese jewel whose beautiful face sometimes shows up on an angel's toast up in heaven. Then the angels call the heaven news channel and make a big deal out of it. If you stuck your hand into Tuấn's bouffant, your fingers would touch the air above the unicorn kingdom. Total portal to the unicorn world. So because of this, Benicio just can't hold a tease brush to Tuấn. Oh, and Tuấn Anh's name in Vietnamese means, " Aah, chew this twat, haters! " Yup, not even close. And about that " watching TV in the front yard" thing. NYC is a perfect place to live for a lot of reasons. Like, you can order dick, weed, nachos and booze at any hour of the day. But when summer comes around and my air conditioning breaks, I really do miss having a front yard. When you've got a front yard and your AC quits life, you pull out your longest extension cord, plug it into your living room TV and then drag that TV into the front yard. You don't go into the backyard, because it's a scary place where old refrigerators and shopping carts you stole from Pic 'N' Save go to die. So you, your cousins and your uncle sit around on lounge chairs, watching TV in the front yard. Almost every time you do this, the nasty ass neighborhood dog has to come around and squat out an entertainment killer right in front of the TV. Everyone looks at each other like, " Not picking it up. Not me. " You then make a decision as a group to ignore it and use your imagination to pretend that pile of dog shit is an oddly shaped weed. Because nothing is going to come between you and eating watermelon con hot sauce while watching TV in the front yard. Not even dog shit. Those were the days. Anyway, as you look at these pictures of Benicio and a pissed off Salma Hayek (who is obviously playing some kind of Kardashian) on the set of Oliver Stone's Savages , let Tuấn Anh serenade you. Wearing the shit out of Barbara Bush's old New Year's Eve suit: Tuấn knows how to do it.
 

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