The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- When A "THIS BITCH" Side-Eye Says It All
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- The CAPTION THIS VIDEO Contest WINNER For September 23rd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Sly Stone Is Broke And Living In A Van
- It's HAAAAAAAAARVEEEEEEY!
- I Am Catwoman, Hear Me Yawn
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| When A "THIS BITCH" Side-Eye Says It All | Top |
Baby Ali's star spot at the Museum of Side-Eyes is threatened now that this hot trick shot Lindsay Lohan a priceless double shank eye of death that is making me pull out the empty BIC pen that permanently lives in my kitchen drawer and lick the tip so I can co-sign this immaculate side-eye. This is the best way to start a week!!!! It's like Baby Louis taught that premium side-eye thrower all the tricks to his trade. And somebody call NOVE UNO UNO, because I speak fluent side-eye and that one definitely says: "Bitch, don't think you're being sneaky when I know very well that you're stealin' hand has just crawled into my purse and is trying to snatch my wallet." One looks says what a paper fan is trying to hide! LiLo is not only in Milan to pull some thievery shit on unsuspecting Italian hos who might not know of her snatching ways, but she's also there for Fashion Week. LiLo sat front row at the Philipp Plein show last week and he was so hypnotized by her natural beauty (read: his senses were temporarily numbed after he got contact high from the coke dust she coughed up) that he cast her in his new ad campaign. Philipp told reporters during a press conference that LiLo is "authentic, she's talented, she's beautiful." Phillipp used way too many words to say: "I'm on fucking crack." Here's a few pictures of LiLo busting out crime scene poses in the photo shoot for Philipp's (he's the one flashing what he's smoking) campaign in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Either the theme of this shit is "Faces (and Bodies) of Meth pin-up poster" or the computer used to touch-up these pictures will run out of Photoshop from trying to brush away her rough trade bruises. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This A+ talk show host depends on family values to stay popular and relevant. So, what happens when the celebrity spouse cheats all the time and the host knows it. They can't split up because the fan base would leave in droves, especially if they found out that the talk show host is the polar opposite to the nice person they play on television. (CDAN) It could be Kelly Ripa or Dr. Phil (pleasebedrphil), but I'm going to guess it's the morning cup of bitch known as Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Just say that you've got the Monday in your eyes and so you're reading "A+" as "ass-mouthed" and "is the polar opposite to the nice person they play on television" as "is just like the complete cunt bag she plays on television." Totally fits! This very successful television host has a boyfriend. Before the host became very successful, they were both just getting by financially, and decided to give themselves a hand up by engaging in some shady dealings a few years back. The host orchestrated a scheme where the boyfriend would befriend and hopefully "marry" an aging female star. Both of the men are charming and quite manipulative, so it isn't surprising that they managed to find an appropriate target and zeroed in on her. Sure enough, when she passed away, she left most of her estate to her gay husband. The money provided financial security to the host and the boyfriend, and they are still a couple to this day. (Blind Gossip) Lesley Stahl and the rest of the 48 Hours Investigates crew need to get some of this. But I'll say that today ESCANDALOSO is stuffed with the names Martha Raye, Mark Harris and Sam Champion? This award winning director who specializes in social documentaries that create a whole lot of buzz was asked recently if he would ever do any mainstream movie directing and he said, "Why should I? I make a great living and I get plenty of ass already." (CDAN) Michael Moore? But I'm sure he really said "I got plenty of ass." I mean, I know some seriously shameless slut tramps who would fuck a snail, but I don't know any shameless slut tramps who would pick the latter when asked: "Would you rather be one of those bunnies on Roger & Me or would you rather let Michael Moore do the sicko on your naked body with his Birkenstocks still on?" This "actress" who is more popular on the internet than she is in getting any actual work was at a bar over the weekend. A patron there told us that she was drunk and propositioned any man that came through the doors to go back to her place. She was rejected by almost everyone until one man took her up on her offer. The patron said she stumbled out with the man into the alley where the man reportedly lives. That's right, she picked up a homeless person. (BuzzFoto) Lindsay Lohan knows her way around a street mattress, so she fit until I asked myself the question: "What kind of homeless dude would trust that shifty thief around his shopping cart treasures?" I'll say Chyna and Sly Stone? | |
| The CAPTION THIS VIDEO Contest WINNER For September 23rd! | Top |
| What a peen does when it comes out of Paris. - OurMissC Runners-up: Even Maggie Gyllenhaal's favorite dildo says, "sharing ? really ?? WTF!!!?" - WTFOMGLOL "I'm sorry, sir. Being Carrie Fisher's double chin doesn't count as previous employment." - magusxxx Well I'll be damned. Tim Curry doesn't swallow. - Libressa via SayOMG | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Roslyn "Rozzie" Kind, acclaimed chanteuse, humanitarian, award-winning (not confirmed) recording artist, motion picture actress, television star and the natural born talent who taught her half-sister Barbra Streisand everything she knows (again, not confirmed). Barbra Streisand has two Oscars, four Emmys, eight Grammys, a Tony, a Peabody award, a mountain of million dollar bills, the Mona Lisa of noses, a magical canary angel voice that can make any old gay queen's prostate melt into butta and a creepy shopping mall basement that doesn't at all look like a serial killer's dungeon, but she will never ever have the kind of credits her half-sister Rozzie has! I can go on and on about how Rozzie is almost Barbra's voice twin (click here to dip your ear into her skills) and how she can make a full-time living as a Chris America impersonator, but I'm going to focus on the reason why she's a Hot Slut in every way: her film and TV credits! This is an IMDB page that Chicken Cutlets dreams of. A Star Is Born - Table Guest at Grammy Awards (uncredited) You know you're sibling of the century when you give your half-sister the role of "uncredited aerobics class dancer" in one of your movies. But really, I don't remember Babs in A Star Is Born at all, but I totally remember Table Guest at Grammy Awards. Rozzie is the real STAR in a Star Is Born! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Linda Hamilton (55) | |
| Sly Stone Is Broke And Living In A Van | Top |
Somewhere in the Crenshaw section of Los Angeles is a parked white van stocked to the top with technicolor wigs that have seen sparklier (in sad times like these, it is okay to make up words) days and dusty coats that look like they were cut from a Fraggle's ass. The white van belongs to the legendary Sly Stone whose license plate is his official home address, because he smoked up most of his money and lost the rest to shady vultures. It is a tragic day in society when pieces of trash like Lindsay Lohan are sitting front row at fashion shows and icons like Sly Stone have to shit in a plastic red cup behind an alleyway dumpster. Although, LiLo probably regularly shits in plastic red cups behind alleyway dumpsters, but that isn't the point! The New York Post tracked 68-year-old Sly down and interviewed him about how he went from living in mansions to sleeping in a camper parked outside of a house in Crenshaw. Just a few years ago, Sly was living in a rented house in the Napa Valley, but his life turned down Matt Foley Way when he says the royalty checks stopped coming in the mail after his manager tricked him into signing over control of all of his finances. Sly sued his manager for $50 million but that lawsuit hasn't gone anywhere yet. Sly doesn't own any of the music publishing rights to his own songs because he sold that shit to Michael Jackson for a measly $1 million in 1984. Sly also blames his addiction to the bad shit for why he's broke and homeless. But just because Sly is down and out in Crenshaw doesn't mean he's wishing he could go back to the days of mortgage payments and pissing in his own toilet. Sly says that he doesn't want to be tied down and his soul is happiest when he's traveling around. Sly made friends with a couple in Crenshaw who lets them shower in their house. Their son also drives Sly around L.A. and works as his assistant. Sly still makes music on his laptop and hopes that a bitch will give him a job soon, "But now please tell everybody, please, to give me a job, play my music. I'm tired of all this shit, man." And the hobo paranoias have hit Sly, because he believes the FBI is following him and his rivals are trying to murder him. Lord. As soon as a ho becomes homeless, their brain automatically unlocks the "FBI IS TRYING TO KILL MY LIFE" thought. It's not right. Yes, I know Sly's mind is off smoking star dust on one of Saturn's rings, but it's a shame that it's come to this. Can't the producers of Dancing with the Stars replace that useless Kardashian with Sly Stone? Can't we excommunicate Ke$hit from society and give her tour dates to Sly Stone? Can't we send Sly up to Canada so he can join The Quaids' Anti-Star Whackers Gang and they can fight the crazy fight together? One of those things needs to happen. Because how can any of us take it higher while listening to Sly's old songs when he's sleeping on a pile of his old wigs in the back of a van? | |
| It's HAAAAAAAAARVEEEEEEY! | Top |
Thank God Katie Price is a lie machine wrapped in silicone wrapped in orange wax strips, because if she was really telling the truth when she said she was going to stop pushing her chirruns in front of the cameras, then our retinas would've never been touched by the rays of sunshine that spun out of Harvey Price's smile at a screening of Lion King 3D in London today. Really, if you put a microscope under a sun's ray, the words "IT'S HAAAAARVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" is the only thing you'd see. Of course, our Earth Angel Harvey wasn't the only Price child there. Katie brought out Princess Teamoyomama, Junior and two of their little friends. That little boy in the blue is posing so damn hard for the cameras you'd think he a 6-year-old me at a Barbizon audition. Boy Blue is Phoebe Price-ing out of his mind, but Harvey's still got this without even trying. Nice try, Boy Blue, but don't quit your day school. And it was festive of Katie Price to decorate the top of her head in the theme of the day. Bitch's weave looks like it was dragged across the Serengeti under a wildebeest's hoof after three hyenas tried to mate with it in the swamp. | |
| I Am Catwoman, Hear Me Yawn | Top |
Looking like any random sorority girl going to a Halloween party in a DIY Catwoman costume she made in 10 minutes using a cat ear headband from Claire's, a Zorro mask from Ricky's, her auntie's old Wilson's Leather jumpsuit and pleather boots she bought at DSW, Anne Hathaway made the alley pussies purr out a "meh" when she hit the set of The Dark Knight Rises with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman in Downtown L.A. yesterday. If you've got a cat in heat that is keeping you up with her midnight calls for pussy dick, don't reach for the Q-tip, just show her these pictures instead. Bitch's pussy will go from hot to cold in zero seconds. This is the opposite of cat scratch fever. We've only seen pictures of Anne in Selina Kyle drag, so I know it's unfair of me to say that her Catwoman will be about as sexy as the sight of my dog nibbling on a litter box cat cookie (Note to scat-loving zoophiles: that comment does not apply to you), but have I ever been fair? I mean, if this bitch came at you in a dark alley, the first thing you'd say would be: "Why is Batgirl meowing?" I know Christopher Nolan is going for a Julie Newmar look, but I've always been told that when you want a Julie Newmar look, you should just get Julie Fucking Newmar herself. Even Batman can't take this sad mess seriously. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Albert Einsig, the 91-year-old humanized clone of Grampa Simpson who proved that he has a black belt in the ancient karate art of GET OFF MY LAWN by throwing an entire bucket of cold piss at a crew of hooligan teens doing hood rat stuff on his porch. A Not The One Pepaw's greatest arch rival, besides a plastic wrapper around hard candy, is a group of hollerin' cunt youngins who keep his eyes open during his sleeping time with their loud ass acts of buffoonery. Albert has been living in his Harrisburg, Pennsylvania home for over 60 years and it's pretty much been heaven in a BenGay bubble until recently when a bunch of neighborhood kids started to fuck with him by banging on his front door and hanging out on his porch at all hours of the night. Albert put bed sheets over his door to keep them from peering in but that didn't stop them from bringing the foolery to his front porch, so he finally fought back by emptying his piss bucket on them. Yup, this is the reason some of you might've seen Kim Kardashian trolling around East Clark Avenue. Of course, some nosy next door neighbor bitch had to get into Albert's life by calling the police on him. Grandpa Albert was cited for golden showering the teen brats and he says he deserves the punishment, but he still wishes those asshole brats would stop trying to take the piss out of him. Here's my abuelo hero burning his liver spots off while talking about the ruffians who are making him madder than the time he found out Matlock is no longer making new episodes (he found out last week): I just want to crawl in front of his velour recliner from the 70s and let him hug my soul with his chapped crotchetiness. But you know, Grandpa Albert shouldn't strain his fragile arms by hurling a bucket of bladder water at those little asshole bastards. Grandpa Albert should hook himself up to a colostomy bag with an extra long cord and hang it above his porch. Whenever those cockamamie cunts try to mess with him again, he can drop his shit bag on top of their heads and give them a taste of stewed prune shit. This is what Clint Eastwood should've done in Gran Torino instead of getting his ass shot up. I so want to be Grandpa Albert when I enter the "piss bucket" phase of my life. via Gothamist | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Heather Locklear (50) | |
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