The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Holy Child Army Graces Gwen Stefani's House With Their Presence
- Southwest Is At It Again
- Take Cover! JLo's In Heat Again!
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 26th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Nicki Minaj's Fried Chicken Wing Necklace
- A Romanian Grandma vs. Chris Brown: Who Fell Better?
- BREAKING: Patti Stanger Ejaculates Dumb Shit From Her Mouth
- Kyle Massey Says Bristol Palin's "Your Mother's A Whore" Showdown Was Set Up
- When A "THIS BITCH" Side-Eye Says It All
| The Holy Child Army Graces Gwen Stefani's House With Their Presence | Top |
Zahara, the twin messiahs, Shiloh, Kingston and Lunesta (or whatever that one's name is) were all in the same room together in Gwen Stefani's London townhouse today and Maddox was not there to keep those little moppets in check. So that means they shattered the chandeliers with their tonsil-burning screeches and scratched each other's face skin off (that's not make-up) while scrapping in their own toddler fight club in the middle of the living room. When the Maddox is away, the child army will go CRAZY. That is why Gwen Stefani looks like she just pulled her head out of a burlap sack full of rabid raccoons. Breaking up a toddler fight club will do that to a bitch. Or maybe Gwen's hair looks like that, because she and St. Angie left all the chirruns with the nannies while they went upstairs to do a bunch of shit you definitely can't do on a Southwest flight if you know what I mean (picture me doing this). See, that's how Brangeloonie fanfic and blind items are born. | |
| Southwest Is At It Again | Top |
Those fun hating twats at Southwest have already told Kevin Smith that he was too fat to fly, told Billy Joe Armstrong that he was too saggy to fly, told some other chick that she was too slutty to fly and now they've told Leisha Hailey of The L-Word that she's too lezzie-ish to fly. Leisha raised her fist on Twitter and demanded an apology from Southwest after she says she and her girlfriend were told to get the fuck off of the plane for arguing with a flight attendant who told them to stop kissing in front of everyone. Leisha says that Southwest played the THINK OF THE CHILDREN card on her and now they're officially dead to her. I have been discriminated against by @SouthwestAir. Flt. attendant said that it was a "family" airline and kissing was not ok. Southwest put out a statement saying that several passengers complained that Leisha and her girlfriend were doing some "excessive" PDA shit and their staff took it off the plane after the argument got a little too thick. Initial reports indicate that we received several passenger complaints characterizing the behavior as excessive. Our crew, responsible for the comfort of all Customers on board, approached the passengers based solely on behavior and not gender. The conversation escalated to a level that was better resolved on the ground, as opposed to in flight. We regret any circumstance where a passenger does not have a positive experience on Southwest and we are ready to work directly with the passengers involved to offer our heartfelt apologies for falling short of their expectations. What is considered excessive, though? I mean, were Leisha and her piece clitty wrestling right there in the middle of the aisle? Were they sucking on each other's tongues while their bare nipple holes blew air kisses at each other? Did they do the vertical 69 on one of the seats? Did their make-out noises sound like a walrus sticking his tongue into a parfait bowl? I guess we won't know until Leisha release those tapes. But Southwest is still a mess. You can't be fat. You can't sag your pants. You can't be a slut. You can't kiss your lesbian piece. The only reasonable response to this is to fill all of Southwest's flights with saggy pants-wearing fat gay sluts who are attached at the tongue. It's the only way. | |
| Take Cover! JLo's In Heat Again! | Top |
Lock your windows, bring in your trash cans, turn the porch light off and tell the children not to open their eyes until morning, because now that JLo has been released from the cage in Skeletor's dungeon she's going wild, yowling at the moon, spraying her scent at the walls (smells like Glow) and sticking her culito hole in the faces of strangers hoping that someone takes pity upon her and gives her a scratch! At the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Saturday night, JLo strangled a Muppet with her ass cheeks and then wore it as a trophy before she went full horny in front of the audience and humped on anything that didn't run from her. An official from the zoo arrived on the scene and tried to catch her with a net, but JLo can not and will not be tamed! JLo ran like a banshee with a hot asshole into Pure nightclub and continued to try so hard to be sexy that she pushed out a kidney stone with the word "STOP" etched into it. Don't listen to that kidney stone, JHo! You keep working it like only an old whore can! And here's some EXCLUSIVO backstage and frontstage footage of JLo going wild on Saturday night: | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
The intimate and coming of age moment when Justin Bieber asked Selena Gomez if she's ever had that not-so-fresh feeling - Lainey Gossip And when Chris Brown's spawn is born, let's hope the baby slaps him instead - The Superficial The gay beard from The Playboy Club has officially jumped out of the closet - Towleroad Another day, another G-rated upskirt - Hollywood Tuna Christina Hendricks gave her magnificent chichis the day off - Hollywood Tuna Ashley Greene's titty sacks are trying to rise up and quit her - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather The trick formerly known as Fat Virgin is getting her a piece of Jason Derulo - The Berry The Bloods make bikinis now?! - Just Jared The daddy of Doritos is going out exactly the way I expect the daddy of Doritos to go out - The Daily What Vanessa Hudgens is morphing from Kris Jenner to Joyce DeWitt - Popoholic Molly Sims got married - Popsugar Poop shoot - Cityrag Too Easy: Taylor Lautner takes the bull by the plastic peen (or whatever that is) and rides that bitch raw - SOW Antoine Dodson's newest addition to his mug shot gallery of beauty is way too Predator-ish for me - Crunk + Disorderly Speaking of creatures that belong in the land of Predator - I'm Not Obsessed Because India hasn't been through enough - Hollywood Rag And I'm sure Jennifer Aniston wrote "dickmatizated" in the memo part of the $450,000 check she wrote to pay Justin Theroux's painting - ICYDK | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 26th! | Top |
via Evil Milk | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Nicki Minaj's Fried Chicken Wing Necklace | Top |
The Garbage Pail hooker clown that is Nick Minaj gave us the Lady Caca meat moment of 2011 at last night's iHeart Radio Festival in Las Vegas when she wore a bright pink fried chicken necklace. This Fran Drescher raver looking ho. I have a recurring bong-induced dream where I slip under the greasy skin of a giant fried chicken breast and roll around in the fat jelly, so I know what fried chicken looks like and that does not look like fried chicken at all. That looks more like spray-painted pieces of Nicki's old nose or like Prairie Dawn's aborted fetus. No, thank you. Feed that shit to the pigeons (Nicki, not the necklace)! | |
| A Romanian Grandma vs. Chris Brown: Who Fell Better? | Top |
| Above is somebody's Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone's least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:
The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could've been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown's ass and Chris Brown's head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later. The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw's hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick! That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma! via Best Week Ever & TMZ | |
| BREAKING: Patti Stanger Ejaculates Dumb Shit From Her Mouth | Top |
| I watch The Millionaire Matchmaker , because witnessing a superficial bag of delusion that resembles a collagen-stuffed shaved hamster give the worst dating tips ever (example: men only love straight hairs) speaks to the dead parts of my soul. Patti Stanger couldn't match a Dominican peen to John Travolta's b-hole if she tried, but I still love watching her make a fool of herself in every episode and the foolery trickled into Watch What Happens Live last night. Patti nearly knocked Andy Cohen's vagabond eye back into place after she said that all gays are Grindr-loving sluts and the secret to keeping a man lies in your ability to suck a dick good. Patti then earned an open letter from GLAAD when she told a gay man that her mistaking him for being straight is a compliment, because nobody wants to be with a queen. I RESEMBLE THAT COMMENT, YOU PLASTIC COW! None of this exactly shocking to anybody who has spent five minutes with her show, but I love how she shows how clue deficient she is by saying all of this in front of a gay man while promoting her show that's on the gayest network next to The Trinity Network. And if Patti meant it when she said that you will win a dude's heart forever if you suck it right, then I guess we know the real reason why her last engagement to a man ended. Just like a hamster nibbling on a carrot, bitch must be all teefs. | |
| Kyle Massey Says Bristol Palin's "Your Mother's A Whore" Showdown Was Set Up | Top |
Kyle Massey, the Webster on growth hormones who did Dancing with the Stars with Bristol Palin, is telling people that he thinks her bitch battle royale fight at Saddle Ranch with the dude who called her mother a whore was about as natural and organic as the parts that were glued onto her new face. Kyle and his brother co-star in Bristol's reality shit show called "SEE! I'm Not Racist!" and sources tell TMZ that he thinks the producers planted the Stephen Hanks, the Palin hater, at the bar to do something no reality show does: inject fakeness into it for maximum dramatic effect. Both Stephen Hanks and the producers are denying the fight was staged, but Kyle doesn't believe them, because he says it's a little strange that there were so many cameras at the bar. But Kyle says that Bristol has been nothing but genuine with him so he doesn't think she was in on the fakery. Kyle Massey is also scrubbing the dirt off of his precious Son of Disney skin every night, because what he thought was going to be a good clean scripted show turned out to be a sleazy reality show. Kyle's daddy George Papadopoulos better spank a clue into him if he actually thought that he was starring in a scripted show with a trick who has the acting skills of a broken urinal lying in the back alley of the Saddle Ranch. In Bristol's acting debut she made a wooden door look like a living thing that feels human emotions, so who is going to give her an acting job? And Sarah Palin casting Bristol in the role of "Trig's sister instead of his mother" doesn't count!!! (Yes, I've been reading Days of Our Palins again). It doesn't matter if that stupid fight was staged (it was) or not, because even if Bristol's shit show opening featured Marcus Bachmann tipping his spout at a T-dance, bitches still won't watch this mess. And real or not, Stephen Hanks still owes us whores an apology, because what did we ever do to him? | |
| When A "THIS BITCH" Side-Eye Says It All | Top |
Baby Ali's star spot at the Museum of Side-Eyes is threatened now that this hot trick shot Lindsay Lohan a priceless double shank eye of death that is making me pull out the empty BIC pen that permanently lives in my kitchen drawer and lick the tip so I can co-sign this immaculate side-eye. This is the best way to start a week!!!! It's like Baby Louis taught that premium side-eye thrower all the tricks to his trade. And somebody call NOVE UNO UNO, because I speak fluent side-eye and that one definitely says: "Bitch, don't think you're being sneaky when I know very well that you're stealin' hand has just crawled into my purse and is trying to snatch my wallet." One looks says what a paper fan is trying to hide! LiLo is not only in Milan to pull some thievery shit on unsuspecting Italian hos who might not know of her snatching ways, but she's also there for Fashion Week. LiLo sat front row at the Philipp Plein show last week and he was so hypnotized by her natural beauty (read: his senses were temporarily numbed after he got contact high from the coke dust she coughed up) that he cast her in his new ad campaign. Philipp told reporters during a press conference that LiLo is "authentic, she's talented, she's beautiful." Phillipp used way too many words to say: "I'm on fucking crack." Here's a few pictures of LiLo busting out crime scene poses in the photo shoot for Philipp's (he's the one flashing what he's smoking) campaign in Lake Como, Italy yesterday. Either the theme of this shit is "Faces (and Bodies) of Meth pin-up poster" or the computer used to touch-up these pictures will run out of Photoshop from trying to brush away her rough trade bruises. | |
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