The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- You So Hardcore, Demi
- A Dirt Star Is Born
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For March 9th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Zachary Quinto's Brow Stumps
- ASkars And Charlize Theron Found Love In A Gay Bar
- Would You Hit It?
- World-Renowned Lip Syncher To Judge A Singing Competition
| You So Hardcore, Demi | Top |
Demi Lovato tells NYC's Z100 radio (via HuffPo) that she can't talk about the most rock 'n roll things she's ever done (see: eating mounds of coke with her nostrils, fucking dudes in the middle of parties, basically being the most annoying after school special come to life, etc...), but she can talk about her love for throwing shit and ruining dressing rooms. If you're a janitor who has recently scrubbed out smashed pieces of cold bologna from the carpet in a dressing room, feel free to throw up a middle finger at Demi for saying this: "I break things. I've trashed dressing rooms just for the hell of it. If Jesus be a 1980s movie starring Ally Sheedy, Demi Lovato will wake up in a maid's uniform and she'll be the one cleaning mustard stains from the walls after some spoiled, piece of janky trash has a food fight for fun. Dumb ho. Everybody clear the way when Demi is coming through, because she's a real rock 'n roll bad ass who's always packing heat in an Oscar Meyer package. I bet her chola name is La Jamón Girl. | |
| A Dirt Star Is Born | Top |
The ten millionth remake of A Star is Born is turning out to be an idea as good as butt fucking a popsicle in the middle of August. It's going to have the same outcome too. Clint Eastwood has already signed on to direct and Beyonce is going to take the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role, and now Tommy Girl is in talks to play the has-been rock star. Yup, this is going to be a puddle of shit, sugar water and ice cold regrets. Deadline says that Tommy and Clint have had several conversations about him taking the lead opposite Beyonce. Once the pillow baby-inflected velcro burns on Beyonce's belly heal, she'll be ready to start making Razzie history. Beyonce could be ready as soon as June, but Tommy's plate is full with two other movies. Clint has also considered Will Smith, Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCatchaHo, Russell Crowe and Eminem (???). Tommy and Beyonce has to be the weirdest pairing since toothpaste and blowjobs. Beyonce's lacefront emotes more raw emotion on a movie screen than she does and Tommy as her lovah is just a whole new level of awkward. I bet Tommy only wants to do this shit, because he really wants Beyonce to teach him the Single Ladies dance. Tommy, it ain't worth it. Sashay away from this mess and take your black catsuit with you. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Growing up, we had a family of possums that lived on the hill in our backyard and never once did I look at those marble-eyed, dog food-eating marsupial gremlins and think to myself, "I really want to see that bitch kill it on a snowboard." But thankfully somebody did and now Ratatouille, the snowboarding opossum, is the unofficial mascot of the Liberty Mountain Resort in Carroll Valley, PA. One possum snowboarding on the slopes is one less possum hissing at your backyard dog. Who cares if he's higher than a crackhead rat standing on its tip toes and who cares if he's wearing a dog sweater from Petco, this bitch has skills. Sochi 2014 is HIS! Shaun White is punching himself in his ginge bush for not buying a refundable plane ticket to Russia. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Edie Brickell (46) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Thanks to a long ass flight from New York to California, this will probably be my last post until tomorrow. Because my system shuts down if I don't get a Sourdough Jack, a Double Double and Albertson's brand potato chips in me every few months, I'll be in California for the next two weeks. For now, I leave your ass with this vintage video of Jamie Foxx giving us the body electric as he breaks it down like his ass crack is hungry for a dollar. I'll try to recreate these moves at a Jack in the Box drive-thru later tonight. (via OMG BLOG) Mimi's messy ass lamb appreciation video looks like a lost scene from Paranormal Activity (Paranormal Lambtivity?) - Lainey Gossip Nothing says "bad ass bitch with a gun" like duck lips - The Superficial I don't know if that's St. Angie's natural holy glow or if one of her beauty secrets is using anal lube as moisturizer - Hollywood Tuna John Lennon is up in heaven, queefing with pride over this - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Is that an 8-pack or is he trying to smuggle 8 bars of coke past the border? (LiLo, take note) - Towleroad Dennis Quaid's third time at marriage was not a fucking charm - Celebitchy In a closet somewhere, a green velvet Jessica McClintock 80s prom dress is missing its sleeves - Popoholic Gonorrhea of the throat ain't no joke - ICYDK And Joe Pesci will try to rob it this Christmas - The Berry Jessica Biel's got a bump on her hitchin' finger and maybe a bump on her baby growing area too? - Popsugar Blue Ivy is probably literally turning blue, because Beyonce keeps suffocating her with damn blankets and shit - Crunk + Disorderly Everybody give a gold digger slow clap to Dick Van Dyke's 40-year-old wife - Just Jared A reporter walking into a pole. The end. - Videogum What in Carmen Sandiego meets Disney parade dancer Hell is Naomi Campbell wearing? - I'm Not Obsessed Who isn't Katy Perry humping on in Paris this week? - Hollywood Rag Because every pet has a little Lindsay Lohan in them - Cityrag I don't know if this kid should play Michael Cera in a Michael Cera biopic or if Michael Cera should play this kid in a this kid biopic - The Daily What | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For March 9th! | Top |
via Poorly Dressed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Zachary Quinto's Brow Stumps | Top |
Let Zachary Quinto's Hayden Panettiere brows (aka midget brows) serve as a warning to all you amateur pluckers out there who don't know the power a pair of Tweezers hold. You might think you're just going to pluck a few rogue hairs, but the sweet sensation of yanking hairs out sometimes compels you to pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck away until all you've got left is a pair of stunted ass brows. It'll look like your eyes grew, but your brows didn't. Some baby brows on an adult face. We've all seen that ho with teeny tiny brows who obviously let Tweezers control her instead of the other way around. Letting a pair of Tweezers make you its bitch is one of the biggest beauty mistakes. Looking like a dingo ate your brows is no way to go through life (shit, it's no way to go through the weekend). Zachary Quinto has a good reason for why he looks like he just came from the HERP DERP eyebrow salon. Zachary shaved half of them off to get them Spock brow ready for Star Trek. If that shit doesn't grow back, I'm sure a Jonas brother or Martin Scorcese can give a bitch a donation, because they've got plenty. | |
| ASkars And Charlize Theron Found Love In A Gay Bar | Top |
The literary beacon of truth that is The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) has put ASkars, Charlize Theron and a gay bar in the same story, and have given me the beautiful image of those two blond giants eye fucking each other as a go-go boy's ass cheeks wiggle in the background. ASkars has backed away from an Olsen and fallen right into the golden crotch on Charlize Theron. Some source says that Charlize and ASkars strolled into GYM Sportsbar in West Hollywood, ordered two beers and then found love in a homo place. The source said this about Charlize and ASkars' time together: "They ordered two beers and went to sit on the patio. I realized it was Charlize and her date was Alexander Skarsgard. It was clear they were a couple, holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. Another source said that Charlize is busting nuts on the inside over ASkars and they went to a gay bar, because they didn't think anyone would recognize them there. Um, is GYM one of those "in the dark" bars or is 99.99% of its clientele completely blind, because what self-respecting gay dude would not recognize ASkars? I could be blindfolded in the basement of GYM and I'd know ASkars walked through the front door, because my asshole would start blowing out the melody to a Swedish Viking song. Anyway, can you imagine watching these two fuck? It would be all legs and all blond hair. If you want to know what it looks like, pull off the legs from a Ken Doll, pull off the legs from a Barbie, grab a blond weave track, dip all of them into lube, throw them into the dryer and press "air dry" before fapping away. | |
| Would You Hit It? | Top |
Here's Shia LaDouche running all over Venice, CA yesterday afternoon while looking like an Amish hipster who is spending his rumspringa working as a roadie on the Bon Iver tour. This whole look is a scraggly, raggedy mess and none of it goes together. That slicked black ponytail belongs on a pervy comic book store clerk who spends his lunch hour jerking off into a coffee cup before trying to give it to unsuspecting people on the street (tip: don't take free coffee from Shia). That beard belongs on a bear's ass after it got a full body Ogilvie home perm. Those earphones belong in a Hazmat dumpster, because you know they're covered in ear barf since Shia doesn't wash in there. I love a big, bushy beard, because it will scrub the dead skin and pimples off of your butt cheeks while you sit on its owner's face, but I wouldn't hit it. How can I hit a piece who obviously stole my abuelita's house cardigan? | |
| World-Renowned Lip Syncher To Judge A Singing Competition | Top |
Deadline Hollywood says that the rumor that Simon Cowell is trying to fill one of the empty judge's chairs on X-Factor with the Louisiana trailer park blossom is coming true. Simon wants X-Factor to rise to the top like his man tits when he inhales and so he's offered Brit Brit $10 million to join the judge's panel for the second season. Simon is looking for two lady judges to replace walking Vicodin pill Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherlyyoualreadyforgotthishosfullname. If Brit Brit's string pullers tell her to take the money, she will be making about as much as Xtina is making for The Voice and $2 million less than JLo is making for American Idle. The Hollywood Reporter is hearing that Brit Brit's fiancé Sam Merlotte Lite is negotiating her contract and if talks aren't derailed from her insisting that they let her judge while sitting in a plastic trash can full of Frapps, the deal will be done next week. The squinting Falcor LeAnn Rimes is also talking to Simon about taking the other spot after Janet Jackson gave a thumbs down to it. Brit Brit isn't allowed to open her mouth in public unless she says words pre-approved by her team of puppet handlers, so I'm not sure how this is going to go. Is the whole thing going to be scripted? Is there going to be a Campbell Soup can phone on the table in front of her and every time she has to say something, she'll put it to her ear and repeat the words she hears? Is she going to sit on Daddy Spears' lap and move her mouth as he imitates her voice while giving criticisms like "Aw, you're so sweet" and "Aw, that was awesome!" Please let it be the last one. | |
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