Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Birthday Sluts Top

Robert Downey Jr. (47)
Jamie Lynn Spears (21)
Carmine Gotti (27)
Amanda Righetti (29)
Johnny Borrell (32)
Natasha Lyonne (33)
Lemar (34)
David Blaine (39)
Jill Scott (40)
Barry Pepper (42)
Nancy McKeon (46)
David Cross (48)
Graham Norton (49)
Hildi Santo-Tomas (51)
Hugo Weaving (52)
David E. Kelley (56)
Christine Lahti (62)
Craig T. Nelson (68)
Kitty Kelley (70)
Clive Davis (80)
Maya Angelou (84)

 
And Here's Hilary Duff's 2-Week-Old Baby Top

One of the good things about being a celebrity is that if you have a baby you can whore them out to a magazine for millions of dollars and use that money to pay for a full-time nanny staff so you don't have to be bothered with annoying stuff like feeding them and taking care of them or whatever. No out of pocket expenses! But apparently, Hilary Duff doesn't think this way, because she Tweeted this picture of her baby son Luca for free. IN THIS ECONOMY, Hilary Duff is just giving away celebrity baby pictures like celebrity baby pictures grow on trees. FOR SHAME!

As for Baby Luca, his eyes are so big that it looks like he's staring past the camera lens, through my monitor and is scanning my brain for any vital information he might want to upload to the headquarters on his home planet. In other words, he looks like he's about to Skype home. In other other words, he looks like a baby!

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Vanity Fair's awkward "Women in Television" cover is nothing without Ma from Ma's Roadhouse - Celebitchy

Nice try, Blake NotSoLively, but Salma Hayek's Nina Hagen wig is where my eyes want to be - Lainey Gossip

Country music joins the rest of the world in hating Ashton Kutcher - The Superficial

Spaz de la Huerta should really teach bottoms on Grindr how to really sell that ass - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

It's only been about a quick minute so of course it's time for another Blue Lagoon remake - Hollywood Tuna

FYI: Bruno Mars has not left the closet - Towleroad

Hilary Duff is one of those mothers posting pictures of her baby's feet while thinking it looks like art and shit - ICYDK

It took me a few seconds to realize this was a DirecTV commercial and not an ad on public access for a personals chat line - Popoholic

I don't know what this says about me (SPOILER ALERT: It says I have no life), but I just spent a good 2 minutes staring at RPattz's flowy pitt hair - Popsugar

The joke will be on Katy Perry when the Health Department shuts her house down after finding out that Russell Brand infected every room with his skankness - IDLYITW

Foghorn Leghorn and Chicken Hawk go for a romantic stroll in NYC - Crunk + Disorderly

JLo and her boy toy play a game of pin the Tail on the Donkey Booty - Just Jared

Rosie O'Donnell's house looks like Pottery Barn shit all up in it - The Berry

Which one is Vinnie again? - I'm Not Obsessed

Sarah Palin managed to make Ann Unflavored Curry look interesting on Today this morning - The Daily What

Kate Moss is always ready to party (see: undone belt) - Hollywood Rag

Baby knows true talent when she see it - Cityrag

Please tell me this is just a dramatization of Lindsay Lohan's life - Videogum

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 3rd! Top

The full pic is behind the cut and I know you're probably wondering why a horse peen is considered NSFW. But well, if I had a picture of Trace Cyrus' nakedness, I'd shield that from workplace eyes, so it's only fair. JUMP!

read more

 
Being Beautiful Is Hard: The Samantha Brick Story Top

If Samantha Brick could excuse her beauty, she would literally excuse her beauty, because it has brought her nothing but pain, suffering and jealous glares from hating bitches who wish they were born with a face as gorgeous as hers. In a heartbreaking piece for the literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, Samantha bravely writes about society's prejudice against stunningly, exquisite flowers like herself. When strange men aren't lavishing gifts upon Samantha, their envious wives are throwing shade at her. As I organize a telethon to benefit the plight of the pretty, please open your not-as-beautiful hearts to Samantha's "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" tale:

On how you've got Visa, MasterCard or American Express, but Samantha's got something called natural beauty. (SAMANTHA'S FACE: Don't leave home without it!): "Throughout my adult life, I've regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don't know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris.

Another time, as I was walking through London's Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill.
And whenever I've asked what I've done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my pleasing appearance and pretty smile made their day."

On how all women reading this now have green eyes:
"While I'm no Elle Macpherson, I'm tall, slim, blonde and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks.

If you're a woman reading this, I'd hazard that you've already formed your own opinion about me — and it won't be very flattering. For while many doors have been opened (literally) as a result of my looks, just as many have been metaphorically slammed in my face — and usually by my own sex.

I'm not smug and I'm no flirt, yet over the years I've been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room."

On how her friends want her to get Face/Off surgery with a paper bag:
"And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work.

And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.

You'd think we women would applaud each other for taking pride in our appearances.

I work at mine — I don't drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don't feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate. Unfortunately women find nothing more annoying than someone else being the most attractive girl in a room.
Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me. Yet this is someone whose sons have stayed at my house, and who has been welcomed into my home on countless occasions.

I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I'd made a faux pas. It seems the only crime I've committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head.She doesn't like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is shorter, heavier and older than me."

On how she has been discriminated against in the workplace for being SO RAVISHING:
"Women, however, are far more problematic. With one phenomenally tricky boss, I eventually managed to carve out a positive working relationship. But a year in, her attitude towards me changed; the deterioration began when she started to put on weight. We were both employed by a big broadcasting company. One of our male UK chiefs recommended I take the company's global leadership course, which meant doors would have opened for me around the world. All I needed were two personal recommendations to be eligible. As everyone in the office agreed I was good at my job, I didn't think this would be a problem.

But while the male executive signed the paperwork without hesitation, my immediate boss refused to sign. When I asked her right-hand woman why, she pulled me to one side and explained that my boss was jealous of me."

On how old bitches are the meanest to her and how her husband (the hot piece below) loves it when men throw themselves at her demure feet:
"I find that older women are the most hostile to beautiful women — perhaps because they feel their own bloom fading. Because my husband is ten years older than me, his social circle is that bit older too.

As a Frenchman, he takes great pride in hearing other men declare that I'm a beautiful woman and always tells me to laugh off bitchy comments from other women."

On how she tries not to steal the attention from average-looking hos, but she can't help it:
"Take last summer and a birthday party I attended with my husband. At one point the host, who was celebrating his 50th, decided he wanted a photo with all the women guests. Positioning us, the photographer suggested I stand immediately to his right for the shot.

Another woman I barely knew pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn't fair on all the other women if I was dominating the snap. I was devastated and burst into tears. On my own in the loos one woman privately consoled me — well out of ear-shot of her girlfriends."

On how she can't wait to turn into an old hag:
"So now I'm 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can't wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background."

Some people fight the hot, but the hot is fighting Samantha. Devastating, I know. If you're assuming that Samantha has fallen so deep into the black hole of delusion that she lives in a White Oprah-like Twilight Zone world where she believes that women hate her for her life-ruining beauty when they really hate her because she's annoyingly crazy, then I need to tell you that's the jealousy talking. I would tell you to go take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror, but then you'd see that you're not as magically stunning as Samantha Brick. Then you'll feel sad inside and Samantha doesn't want that. Samantha doesn't want you feel as lonely as her. Samantha just wants you to look past her spellbinding beauty and love her for her.

"Bitch, now you know I how feel!" - Helen of Troy to Samantha of UK, a woman with a face that can launch a thousand LOLs.

 
Lara Flynn Boyle's Face Still Hasn't Settled Yet Top

Lara Flynn Boyle has been pulling, tucking and filling her face for years now, and when pictures of her leaving a liquor store in L.A. came out yesterday, some hos figured that she put herself under the plastic surgeon's scalpel again. But some plastic surgeon, who hasn't worked on, Lara's face tells Radar that in his professional opinion, either Lara went in for some face renovations or the fillers are melting. That's it! Dr. Anthony Youn explained it like this when Radar asked him why Lara's face looks like a jabbawockeez mask baking under a fast food heat lamp:

"Lara Flynn Boyle's face looks like it's melting. Now her face looks like it's deflated, with resultant loose skin. I suspect that she's either undergone corrective surgery to reverse some of the work that was previously performed, or has just plain allowed the plumping fillers to dissipate, leaving her with sagging cheeks."

Who ever said that Botox is like crack for your face never told any lies, because you have to keep injecting that crap into your face or it will do the sad skull slide and you'll end up looking like a really sad plastic blobfish. Woe is Lara. Lara could be smiling in these pictures because she just got a good deal on a vintage bottle of Strawberry Hill, but you wouldn't know since she permanently looks like a constipated duck who just got the worst news ever. The sad duck look IS not the look. Although, think of all the traffic tickets and shit Lara gets out of. Only a heartless police officer would give a ticket to a sad duck.

 
Open Post: Hosted By Mary J. Blige's Burger King Commercial Top


In keeping with this afternoon's theme of "Who ever is making decisions for Mary J. Blige needs to stop making decision for Mary J. Blige," here's Mary J. Blige singing about crispy fried chicken in a new Burger King commercial. Burger King has ripped this cock a doodle don't shit off of their YouTube channel and Gawker says it could be because some people shook their head over a black woman singing about fried chicken. That could be the reason, but it could also be because this wreck is a disaster. I'm assuming that Burger King hired Don Draper to pitch this idea to Mary:

"Okay, Mary, we're going to do you up like a lunatic space chicken from hell and have you squawking about your love for a deep fried chicken peen wrapped in a tortilla. Do you need my pen to sign the contract or did you bring your own?"

The only reason to sign is if Don Draper pitched the idea, because you can't say no to Don Draper. But still.

I haven't trusted Burger King ever since their Dr. Pepper slushie turned my shit green, and now because of this, I will never trust them again.

 
Mess Of Ages Top

If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone's kid isn't nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can't with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can't with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can't with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl's singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I'm can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there's only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he's gonna get it.

 
The Alaskan KFed Knocked Up Another Ho Top

TMZ says that Levi Johnston is one baby (that we know of) closer to beating KFed, because he has successfully (or unsuccessfully, depending on who you ask) dropped his potent Wasilla seed into a dumb ass girl who is now forever tied to the finest douche Alaska has to offer.

A source tells TMZ that Levi's piece of a year, 20-year-old school teacher Sunny Ogelsby, is only in her first trimester and before this story broke, Bristol didn't even know that her son Tripp is about to become a half-brother. Although, it might've been impossible for Levi to tell Bristol, because the source says that Sarah and Todd Palin are trying to keep him from having any kind of contact with Tripp. Levi recently called up Bristol and Sarah told a lie when she said her daughter was out of town with Tripp.

I have so many questions. How is Sunny Ogelsby a 20-year-old school teacher and not a Kimmy Gibbler-like neighbor on an ABC Family sitcom? With a name like Sunny Ogelsby, she should be a sitcom sidekick with a catchphrase. How is Sunny Ogelsby a teacher at 20 years old? Did bitch skip a few grades, thus missing that Alaskan sex education class where they teach you to line your sugar walls with spermicide-covered rubber before letting that bareback slut Levi Johnston run up in you?

If this wasn't planned, both of these bitches are stupid and would lose every round in Are You Smarter Than A Palin? If this was planned, then both of these bitches are still stupid, but Sunny is especially stupid, because you don't make a baby with Levi Johnston. You just don't. You put a rubber plug in his peen hole, stick the tip in a few times and quit it. What kind of school teacher doesn't know that?!

The only good that can come from this is a truly messed up baby name. These two suck at making life choices, so I'm guessing they'll suck at naming their baby too. I'm thinking they'll go with Wrangler Cloudy Johnston.

 
Kate Winslet Calls Leonardo DiCaprio A Fat Bitch, Sort Of Top

Since Leonardo DiCatchAHo is busy trolling Victoria's Secret casting calls for his next piece, Kate Winslet has to do promo stuff for Titanic 3D by herself and ho is on fire. Kate is that bitch (aka YOU) at her 15th high school reunion who has a glass of the sweet nectar permanently attached to her hand and farts at the mouth about how much she hated their class song and how everyone looks like shit with love handles. So when Kate brought her Don't Give A Fuck tour to Daybreak (via Daily Mail), she didn't hold back when joking about how much she and Leo have changed since she let go of his hand 15 years ago:

"We do look very different, we're older. Leo's 37, I'm 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he's fatter now – I'm thinner. It's true though!"

It's true that 1997 Leo looked like the kind of beautifully androgynous twink that Hilary Swank might play in a biopic and 2012 Leo looks like his eyes shrunk while his face grew. But I don't know what Kate is trying to say here. If Kate is trying to say she looks hotter now, then I need her to draw me wearing this and only this, because that is not true. 1997 Kate could totally beat 2012 Kate in a beauty pageant. But I'm only saying that because I've always had a thing for white cholas in chokers.

 

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