Friday, April 6, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Nicole Kidman Is Going To Play Grace Kelly Top

If you're devastated by this news, then I'll wait here as you do the silent cry wall slide against a wall that isn't as hard as Nicole Kidman's forehead. All done? Okay, so The Hollywood Reporter is saying that ice cold ice queen Nicole Kidman is in talks to play ice cold ice queen Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco. Slap yourself with an ice dildo if you're calling it a biopic, because it's not a biopic. It will focus on a 6 month period in 1962 when Grace Kelly was 33 years old and trying to save Monaco from getting coup-ed up by France. The dude who directed La Vie en rose will also direct this.

My outrage over hos playing old time Hollywood legends in movies was used up on Lindsay Lohan leaving a freckled skid mark all over the image of Elizabeth Taylor, so I'm not mad at this. Yes, January Jones was born out of a block of ice to play this role, but there are a lot worse things in life than human tampon popsicle Nicole Kidman playing Grace Jones (typo and it stays for the visuals alone) in a movie. Something worse than that is using Head & Shoulders to fap in the shower. Don't do that unless your genitals are Botoxed like Nicole Kidman's face so you won't be able to feel a sting like no other.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 5th! Top

Jessica Simpson's 52 week 3D ultrasound pics. - ijustcant

Runners-up:

Groupon. Kazakhstani Spa Day $2. - El Bastardo

Britney Spears' father Jaimie can finally relax now that Jason Trawick is babysitting Our Lady of Cheetos. - AttentionWhore

Hannibal Lecter's culinary career ended when he took the term "cook in their own juices" far to literally and lost many paying customers as a result. - SalmaNella

via Evil Milk

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Jesus Stingray - Jesus Christ, our lord and stinger, has switched things up a bit and instead of showing his image on bananas and grilled cheeses, he's gotten out of the kitchen and has moved to the beach. Erica Scheldt took a picture of a dead cownose ray on Sullivan's Island in North Carolina and she didn't notice that the face of Jesus was staring back at her until she uploaded it to Instagram and one of her friends pointed this out. Christ died so we can all get cracked out on Peeps this Sunday and he rose so that we can all see his face on cownose rays!

Unless Jesus looks like a malnourished, butt-chinned Jeff Bridges as The Dude with a Pac-Man tattoo on his cheek and an upside down coke spoon on his nose (or Chris Robinson getting teabagged and hit in the nose by a lollipop-shaped peen), that's not Jesus! But I won't be able to confirm this until I get to Heaven and Jesus tells me I needed to press the B button in the elevator and not the PH button.

Source: Island Packet via WOW Report

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Paul Rudd (43)
Diora Baird (29)
Tim Hasselbeck (34)
Myleene Klass (34)
Candace Cameron Bure (36)
Zach Braff (37)
Joel West (37)
Ari Meyers (43)
Marilu Henner (60)
John Ratzenberger (65)
Barry Levinson (70)
Billy Dee Williams (75)
André Previn (83)

 
Just Give "Pain And Gain" The Best Costume Oscar Already Top

Up until now, I was ready to campaign for that Spring Breakers mess to collect the Best Costume Oscar for filling its wardrobe closet with sophisticated ensembles bought at a Panama Beach City bikini store that also sells Pall Malls and piña Colada mix. But EVERYTHING has changed with these pictures from the Miami set of Pain and Gain, a movie about two bodybuilders involved an extortion ring (think Hans and Franz but way gayer) starring Marky Mark, The Rock, Ed Harris and Anthony Mackie. The vision of 80s perfection above is Spanish-Dutch (Sputch) actress Yolanthe Sneijder-Cabau and her ensemble was sprayed out of a pink AquaNet bottle.

From the Camp Beverly Hills half shirt to the Freestyle Reeboks to the high-waisted surfer pants, this entire look is a snap bracelet away from being the official uniform of every girl in my second grade class. That whole picture smells like Love's Baby Soft. If the entire movie was just Yolanthe busting moves to a Deniece Williams song blaring from a hot pink boom box, I'd copy it to VHS and watch it until the tape snapped.

 
Tim Tebow Maintains His Beauty Top

Because above everything Jesus hates crusty cuticles, extra chunky toe jam and nail stank, the new belle of New York City Tim Tebow got a mani-pedi at MB Nails in West Hollywood on Tuesday. We know who's nails are going to send sparkle rays up to heaven at the church luncheon this Easter Sunday.

Tim Tebow's date with Taylor Swift does more to fuel the gay rumors than this picture does. Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to get a mani-pedi each week to keep your gay card valid. I'm gayer than pink flamingo nipple nectar (yes, pink flamingos have nipples) and my idea of a pedicure is chewing my toe nails off my with my mouth and smelling the extra dirty ones. And I wonder why hos refuse to kiss me on the mouth without a tongue condom on.

via TMZ

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Selena Gomez and The Lesbeaver have a totally not staged moment in Griffith Park and I'm sure somewhere nearby a yorkie just got snatched out of its backyard by a mountain lion. Where are your priorities, mountain lions?! - Popsugar

Either Prince Hot Ginge is buying me a plastic flower bouquet since he knows I'm allergic to the real thing (no, I'm not) or that's the strangest front for a weed shop I've ever seen - Lainey Gossip

But more importantly, what was in that pill bottle next to Madge's cake? MDMA or fetus teeth? - Towleroad

BREAKING: This is actually the most clothes I've seen on Cindy Lou Who in a good minute - Hollywood Tuna

In case you needed more of Lara Flynn Boyle's melting face - The Superficial

Um, can you buy tweezers and a brow waxing kit with an EBT card? - Celebitchy

Emily Blunt in Elle UK - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Katrina Bowden in FHM - Popoholic

Charlize Theron in Vogue UK - ICYDK

Halle Berry in the hair of my elementary school friend Armando - Just Jared

The Pepsi Girl's brother is not going to be in Quentin Tarantino's next movie - The Daily What Gossip

2015 is the year Jessica Simpson will eventually give birth to her first child and it's also the year that the second Avatar movie will come out - Videogum

I do appreciate that Claire Danes is wearing a dress made out of one of Ricky's blazers - Moe Jackson

Wilder Valderrama's mesh hoodie thing tells me that International Male is still in business - Celebslam

In possibly related news, Cirque Lodge has announced that it will be closed for the next 4 weeks for fumigation - Hollywood Rag

The Jennifer Aniston wing of the Photoshop Hall of Fame Museum - Cityrag

 
Open Post: Hosted By Bone Pugs-N-Harmony Top

The next time somebody argues against the legalization of marijuana, please show them this video as evidence that sometimes getting stoned our of your damn gourd produces magical and beautiful ideas. Several bowls were definitely smoked in the making of this fuckery (and I'm not counting the bowls those stoned ass pugs smoked up).

Source: BWE via Tastefully Offensive

 
Dr. Bill Dorfman Wants Your Famous Teeeeeeeeth Top

You might already know Dr. Bill Dorfman from Extreme Makeover, a recent episode of Selling LA (Yes, I watch that shit.) and as the doctor who fixed up Lindsay Lohan's meth grill, but now you know him as the sucio dentist with a serious tooth fetish.

TMZ had a talk with Dr. Dorfman outside of a restaurant in L.A. on Tuesday and asked him about all the celebrity teeth he pulls out. Dr. Dorfman says that he always asks the celebrity if they want to keep the teeth he pulls out of their mouth, but if they shake their heads no, he stores it in a special place. So if you're Ozzy Osbourne, LiLo, Eva Longoria or Anne Hathaway, Dr. Dorfman might have your teeth in his special celebrity tooth museum. Dr. Dorfman explained it like this:

"I actually save famous people's teeth when I pull them ... but I can't tell you [their identities] 'cause it's like patient confidentiality. There have been a few really famous people and I thought one day maybe I could sell this on eBay."

Dr. Dorfman later backpedaled and called into TMZ to say he didn't mean it. It's too late! Dr. Dorfman's dirty, gingivitis-ridden, cavity-filled secret is out. I don't know how Dr. Dorfman found the time to call TMZ when he's obviously spending most of his time begging Gary Busey to come into his office for a "consultation." Gary Busey's got the 9-inch dick of teeth and I'm sure he's Dr. Dorfman's dream grill. Any celebrity tooth collection is incomplete without a Gary Busey tooth.

I'm going to back out of this post before my mind starts to wonder what Dr. Dorfman does with all those teeth when the dental lights go down. And you better not type the words, "anal tooth necklace." NOOOOOOOOOO.

 
A Match Made In K Hell Top

Out of nowhere last night, Kanye Kardashian née West released a new song called Theraflu where he rap confesses that he crawled up into Kim Kardashian's K hole of doom while she was in the middle of her 10 second-long marriage to Kris Humphries. Here are the poignant lyrics that are making Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand quiver something special:

And I'll admit I fell in love with Kim/ 'Round the same time she fell in love him/ That's cool, baby girl do your thing/ Lucky I ain't have Jay drop him from the team

Kanye Kardashian's fame whore clock is perfectly synchronized, because just hours after he dropped that song, TMZ had pictures of him and Kim doing the STUNT QUEEN strut out of a Manhattan movie theater after seeing The Hunger Games. There's something perfect about two thirsty whores watching The Hunger Games together. A source tells TMZ that Kanye and Kim have been chewing on each other's ass for a little while now.

This was bound to happen and we should just be thankful that their egos in one room together will shatter any industrial-strength camera lens, so we'll never see a real sex tape of these self-absorbed hos humping on each other. Actually, I doubt Kim and Kanye even touch. Their idea of getting off is doing themselves with a mirrored dildo in a completely mirrored room so they can see themselves from every angle.

Kim and Kanye keep searching for love, but Kim will never love anybody as much as she loves Kim and Kanye will never love anybody as much as he loves Kanye. They can have a group marriage!

 

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