The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Simon Cowell Is A Non-Stop Sex Machine, So Says Alicia Douvall
- Giuliana & Bill Made A Baby
- Shirley MacLaine Tells Us The One Good Thing About The Passing Of Dick Clark
- Brace Yourselves For All The "Race To The Altar" Tabloid Covers.....
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 20th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Chelsea Handler Is Still Brangeloonie Enemy #1
- Robin Gibb Is Out Of A Coma
- Rotten Peaches Geldof Is Somebody's Mother Now
| Simon Cowell Is A Non-Stop Sex Machine, So Says Alicia Douvall | Top |
Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request. "On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes. So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception." But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience. | |
| Giuliana & Bill Made A Baby | Top |
After announcing on Today that she's battling breast cancer, and announcing on Today that she's cancer free, and announcing on Today that they're trying to have a baby, Giuliana and Bill Rancic announced on Today this morning that they are having a baby and that baby will be here this summer, around the same time Jessica Simpson enters the halfway point in her pregnancy. Anybody who watches Giuliana and Bill's reality show know that they've been open about their struggles with infertility. Giuliana and Bill said on Today this morning that their baby is now growing inside of a "We are so thrilled that our prayers have been answered. We are absolutely ecstatic to be sharing this with everyone who has been following our journey." Never mind that Giuliana and Bill's shiny happy mouth Chiclets are making my teeth feel inadequate, I need to thank them for not using their baby announcement to launch their asses over the youknowwhat. More "ecstastics" and less OTMs! | |
| Shirley MacLaine Tells Us The One Good Thing About The Passing Of Dick Clark | Top |
| The world is definitely a different place without Dick Clark in it, because there's no such thing as New Year's Eve anymore and all balls have lost the will to drop (my thoughts and prayers are with those who are stuck in puberty forever....Justin Bieber). But for Shirley MacLaine the world really is a different place without Dick Clark in it, because she no longer has to worry about his dogs getting bitchy with her dogs when she walks by his house in Malibu. At the premiere of her new movie Bernie, Reuters asked Shirley if had any thoughts on Dick Clark's death and she didn't even try to pretend like she's broken in the heart about it. "Well now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing." HAHAHAHA. I love this act of memaw bitchery for two reasons: 1) Shirley is and will always be Ouiser. You can't take the Ouiser out of the Shirley! 2) Did Dick Clark take his dogs to the grave with him? Dick's dogs are still and well, right? I hope so and I really hope Reuters is there when Shirley walks by his house in Malibu and nearly chokes on her cuntified words when his dogs run out to mouth shank her dogs. via The Globe and Mail & USA Today (Thanks, Daniel) | |
| Brace Yourselves For All The "Race To The Altar" Tabloid Covers..... | Top |
Jennifer Aniston's dreams of marrying an actual human man (instead of a Real Groom Doll) by her minister dog (she made him get officiated online a couple of years ago) while surrounded by Beanie Baby flower girls and Cabbage Patch bridesmaids in the basement chapel she's having built in her new Bel Air mansion is not going to happen, because she doesn't have time for that shit now that she has to beat those whores Brangelina to the altar. TMZ says that Jennifer Aniston is about to make every tabloid editor drown in a pool of their own panty pudding by marrying Justin Theroux this summer. A source (aka their publicist) close to the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete, Greece told TMZ that Jennifer was there recently checking the place out as a possibility for her wedding venue. Jennifer told the hotel that she's planning a July wedding. Jennifer chose Crete as the place she wants to break the spinster curse Maddox put on her, because that's where her dad is from. Here we go.... Today's headline is "Jennifer Aniston to Marry in Crete" and tomorrow's headline will be "Angelina Jolie BUYS Crete." Next week's headline will be "Jennifer Aniston to wear Vera Wang" and that will be shortly followed by the headline "Angelina Jolie ADOPTS Vera Wang." The summer Olympics will be foreshadowed by hos watching Brangie and Jennifer Aniston racing each other to People's "YES! We're Married!" cover. I just hope that the camera man zooms in on Maddox right before he puts his foot in front of a sprinting Jennifer Aniston as she's about to pass Angie. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 20th! | Top |
After the huge failure of their "Pray Away The Gay" therapy centers, the Bachmanns have rethought their formula and are now targeting lesbians with their new and improved "Wish to quit the Fish" in home do it yourself system. - Ashton Cruz Runners-up: Chris Martin likes to keep that Gwyneth smell around where ever he goes. - Ikcor The early tests for "Titanic in 3D" were not promising. - Strepsi via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The brave Philadelphia squirrel rescuer who is now the hero of the squirrel community after he saved one of their own from suffocating to death. (I think I just suffocated in a bag filled with all the euphemism possibilities in that sentence.) It's Monday which means that most of us are this squirrel today. We all have our head stuck in a bag (or stuck in your own ass if you're like me) waiting for some caring soul take to pity on us and yank us out while filming it for YouTube. So raise your morning cup of meth pipe water for this squirrel rescuer! Since this is the most important news story of the weekend, I'm sure CNN will break into their regularly scheduled programming when the squirrel community honors this dude with the Purple Nut of bravery. via Arbroath | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Joyce DeWitt (63) | |
| Chelsea Handler Is Still Brangeloonie Enemy #1 | Top |
Chelsea Handler must not mind it when a scorned Brangeloonie leaves a severed Grey Goose (The vodka bottle, not the animal. That hurts Chelsea more.) on her doorstep, because she's still throwing shit at St. Angie Jo's glowing halo. Chelsea got banned from heaven's gates back in 2010 when she called Angie a home wrecking cunt during her stand-up act and the ho is at again. During an interview with More magazine (via Page Six), Jennifer Aniston's long lost sister separated at the tequila bottle farted at the mouth about how there's certain women that other women shouldn't trust. When More asked Chelsea what her idea of a non-girl's girl is, she summoned an ice cold, razor sharp side-eye from Maddox by saying this: "Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn't strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with." Does Jennifer Aniston fill Chelsea's pool with top shelf vodka every time she publicly puts Angie's name on the bitch list, because damn it's like those two got a bet going or something. I love the shade of it all. But Chelsea doesn't have to tell us she's not ever going to make Angie a size -10 friendship bracelet, because we all know that she's the CEO of TEAM JEN. Chelsea hates Angie as much as she hates sunscreen and water that doesn't get you drunk. But does Chelsea know that Jesus transferred his powers over to Angie so that bitch can turn potatoes into vodka and Perrier into mimosas, because that could be a deal breaker. | |
| Robin Gibb Is Out Of A Coma | Top |
Seen here giving us Johnny Appleseed glamour realness last year, Robin Gibb slipped into a coma more than a week ago and his doctors basically said it was only a matter of time before Justin Timberlake would be giving the eulogy at Robin Gibb's memorial as Robin Gibb. But now everybody can exhale while hollerin' out the chorus from Emotion, because he woke up yesterday. Robin is completely awake and already talking. It's a 4/20 (a day late, because stoners are slow when it comes to all things including praying for Robin Gibb to wake up) miracle! I'll let you use the "Stayin' Alive" joke you've been working on for this very occasion. Robin was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer late last year, but it's currently in remission. Robin fell into a coma while battling a case of pneumonia. Robin's doctors released this statement to People yesterday: "Robin is fully conscious, lucid and able to speak to his loved ones. He is breathing on his own, with an oxygen mask. He is on intravenous feeding and antibiotics. He is of course, exhausted, extremely weak and malnourished." Robin's doctors went on to say that his wife Dwina, his brother Barry and other family members have been singing to him and playing his favorite music while he was in a coma. Robin's doctors also added that the first thing he said after he woke up was, "Okay, all y'all bitches can shut the hell up now." Yeah, Robin has a southern accent now. It happens. | |
| Rotten Peaches Geldof Is Somebody's Mother Now | Top |
A funny thing happened last week, useless trust fund trash Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof gave birth to an actual human being and the authorities didn't quickly sweep in to grab that poor child and give him to something that can raise him better than she can, like an actual peach fermenting on the dirt. So because that didn't happen, Peaches and her sexy hot fiancé Thomas Cohen are now raising a son who she'll eventually trade for a half-smoked Pall Mall when she needs a quick fag fix. Peaches made the announcement on Twitter yesterday and I'm sure she's already tattooed this announcement on her kid's inner thigh using old mascara and a heated needle: Yes, its true- I'M A MUMMY!!!! Why couldn't Peaches mean that she turned into an actual mummy. That problem could be solved with a simple call to Brendan Fraser. As for the name, Peaches rep (she has one of those) tells Metro UK that they have named their son Astala. Yeah, ASTALA. Personally, I sort of like the name Astala since it sounds like the name of the last boss in a Prince of Persia video game or like the name of a perfume for your butt cheeks by Alexis Carrington. I'm just mad that Astala's middle name isn't Vista. All further jokes about Peaches' possible mothering skills aside, at least Astala Vista Baby has a father who knows how to pick a pair of pants that gives off the illusion of having a low hanging camel toe. That is a quality all father's should have. | |
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