The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Have You Been Longing For The Days When Mad Mel Raged Out Of His Mind?
- The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Will No Longer Be As Elegant And Sophisticated
- Evening Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 18th!
- Open Post: Hosted By InTouch Weekly's Issue From The Future
- New Year's Eve Is Canceled FOREVER!
- Posh Really Went Wild On Her Birthday
- The Good Shit, The Bad Shit Or Crumbled Feta?
- Screw The Duggars (Not Like That). It's The Hanson Family We Have To Worry About!
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Luis Miguel (42) | |
| Have You Been Longing For The Days When Mad Mel Raged Out Of His Mind? | Top |
| Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again. Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it. It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below: "GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH" That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes. | |
| The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Will No Longer Be As Elegant And Sophisticated | Top |
Personally, I think Sheree throwing the lines "Fix that face" and "Trim down those doggy teeth" at NeNe during the reunion earned her a ticket for season 5 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but Bravo isn't trying to agree with me. However, Marmaduke's cousin twice removed at the water dish is out there trying to spin it like she's the one who opened the exit door instead of getting evicted from the cast. Sheree told Wet Paint that the rumor that she was fired from the cast is false and she's leaving on her own free will. CAUTION: Delusion ahead. "After four solid seasons of helping Bravo build the show into its most successful Housewives franchise, I have decided to leave. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle. I'm tired of the fighting and the cattiness." Translation: "After four solid seasons of making myself look like a delusional ass, I have decided to calmly leave before Bravo gets their security to drag me out. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle since the producers expect us to have money and I've only got a pile of dirt, a patch of grass and a few logs of squirrel shit to my name. I'm not joking. Have you seen Chateau Sheree lately? I'm tired of buying $1200 dresses to wear on camera and I'm really tired of those salespeople at Neiman's rolling their eyes at me when I go to return that shit. I was about to say that I'm tired of the cattiness, but then I realized that I'm usually the bitch who starts it all! I want to be a part of something that pays in cash and requires me to do as little as possible. I wish the rest of the women will go to hell. I'm thrilled to say I need a damn job and am already fielding offers. And by that I mean two bill collectors are trying to crawl through my A/C vent. Who gon check me boo? Oh, Bravo just did." But seriously, I, for one, will miss Sheree's beautiful delusions of grandeur. It takes a special someone to drive around in a leased $120,000 Porsche with confidence while tumbleweeds blow through her checking account. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
The exact moment when Selena Gomez finally says to herself, "Why me? Where did I go wrong? Why is my boyfriend having a playdate with a more age appropriate girlfriend? I wonder what that dad is doing later?" - Lainey Gossip "Oh, so that's why your coochie tasted like black licorice that day" said Kelly Brook's hot piece of a boyfriend - The Superficial FYI: Miranda Kerr can comb the back of her head with her foot - Hollywood Tuna Kanye says that something that sounds like something he'd say doesn't even sound like something he'd say - Celebitchy Behold, Ashley Tisdale's thighgina - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Madge is a proud graduate of the Do As I Say Not As I Do School of Parenting - Towleroad Because you should definitely wear a catsuit that makes it look like you've got a herpes rash (as drawn by Lisa Frank) on your snatch - Go Fug Yourself I'll be in my room with picture #3 - The Berry Cut it while cooking? Chipmunk, please. What really happened is that Trace Cyrus almost bit Miley's finger off when she dropped a little apple sauce on it. - IDLYITW My thoughts and prayers are with the 6 adult men (including her husband) who had to help Mimi get out of this position - ICYDK Brooklyn Decker is wearing panties. In GQ. That is all. - Popoholic Kate Hudson demonstrates the new and most forward thing in parenting: the human neti pot! Take that, Alicia Silverstone! - Popsugar Yes, it's the Golden Showers Girls (not a Kardashian post) - OMG Blog Okay, how many blunts did RiRi give Time to get on the Most Influential list? - Just Jared I'd totally do Reese Witherspoon's Photoshopped chin - Cityrag At first I was like, "Jenny McCarthy is looking hoooo-oh wait" - Hollywood Rag Adam Levine fapped into that mug, right? - SOW There's a thin line between dropping a drunk fart and letting out a poop pebble, and Xtina definitely crossed it in this picture - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 18th! | Top |
via WOW Report | |
| Open Post: Hosted By InTouch Weekly's Issue From The Future | Top |
You're not reading this from a raft while floating on a sea of Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid after she flooded the earth during birth, so that means she's still pregnant. Well, InTouch Weekly's new editor must be Miss Cleo, because they have all the details of Jessica's future labor day including whether she had a C-section or punane birth (SPOILER ALERT: Neither. The 4-year-old tried to slip out the back hoping she can start a life for herself somewhere far away. Didn't happen.) and what the first words she said to her daughter were (SPOILER ALERT: She said, "Uh, are you going to eat the rest of that placenta?"). In other news... Suri, I know it's your birthday and you're busy unwrapping the amythest-encrusted live unicorn your daddy bought you, but please find the time to Western Union your sister some rent money. | |
| New Year's Eve Is Canceled FOREVER! | Top |
The most overused phrase of 2012 is "the Mayans were right," but really, the Mayans were right, because 2012 is frozen is in time now that Dick Clark is no longer here to count us down into the next year. TMZ says that Dick went up to the great big American Bandstand in the sky this at the age of 82. Dick underwent some kind of outpatient procedure at L.A.'s St. John's Hospital late last night and his agent tells ABC News that he died of a "massive heart attack" afterward. Dick suffered a major stroke in 2004 and shortly after he semi-retired from hosting "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve," but still came back every year. Dick is survived by his wife Kari Wigton (Side note: Wigton is a hot last name) and his three children. Aaaand we're left with Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, cancel January 31st. | |
| Posh Really Went Wild On Her Birthday | Top |
Since I consider myself the epitome of restraint, I think of the anniversary of my born day as the only day (besides Christmas, Easter, other people's birthdays, Sundays, any day that a Golden Girls re-run is playing on my TV, etc...) it's acceptable for me to lay on a tarp and widen my mouth with my hands as my loved one throw pieces of sheet cake from Costco into it. Well, Posh is just like me, because she threw a middle finger at her zero calories-a-day diet and put her tiny snout to good use by pigging out on a plate of fruit. Bitch, you so wild. Posh turned 38 in human years (1,964 in praying mantis alien years) on Tuesday and she celebrated it by having lunch with a group of her friends. Posh was so excited about going food hog wild that she Tweeted a picture of her birthday fruit. The guinea pig chefs who whipped this up made it extra special by writing her name in diarrhea. It's not chocolate sauce. Posh wouldn't go THAT crazy. But seriously, I doubt Posh even touched that plate of fruit. You know how at fancy rich people weddings, they have a cake that's just for show? You don't touch that cake and instead waiters bring out a dessert that you can eat? That's what that fruit plate was. It was just for show and later on the waiter brought out her real dessert: a bowl of dried grapefruit seeds. Happy Birthday, Posh! Since you didn't eat any cake on your special day, I'll do it for you! Now where's my tarp? via UsWeekly | |
| The Good Shit, The Bad Shit Or Crumbled Feta? | Top |
RiRi (aka the EDGEST and HARDEST bitch in the EDGY and HARD game) posted a bunch of pictures from Coachella on her Instragram and she included this one of her dealing with a mysterious substance on her paid slut carrier's bald head. The Mirror tried to get to the bottom of this by zooming up close to see exactly what kind of situation is happening on dude's head. These are the possibilities: 1. Spoiled coke bought from a Lohan. RiRi is rolling a blunt, so obviously it's weed whitewashed by the flash, but that shouldn't be the story here. The real story is that RiRi is using the head of her bodyguard (or whoever he is) as a human coffee table. Dude already has to carry this ho around like he's her paid human lifeguard chair and then he has to deal with her scratching his head with her plastic red roach nails while rolling a blunt? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even let my own abuelita roll a blunt on my head. Okay, yes I would, but only because I really believe letting your grandma roll a blunt on your head is something you should experience in life. This dude is a majorly devoted employee. If that was me, I would've scooped the weed from my head and screamed "WATCH FOR FALLING HOS" before leaning back. Then I'd roll my own blunt while walking to the unemployment office. | |
| Screw The Duggars (Not Like That). It's The Hanson Family We Have To Worry About! | Top |
I haven't yet made peace with the fact that every member of Hanson can make sperm on his own and in actuality they can make sperm and they're putting that shit to use like a motherfucker. There's 8 children between all the Hanson brothers and they're about to add a 9th to the pile. 29-year-old Taylor Hanson, the one who's always dressed like the "cool" English teacher at a Southern Baptist high school, announced to People that his 28-year-old wife Natalie is currently brewing up their 5th bundle of baby. Natalie and Taylor already have a 9-year-old named Ezra, a 7-year-old named Penelope, a 5-year-old named River and a 3-year-old named Viggo. 29 with 5 kids? Either Taylor's stuff is potent or his and Natalie's sex parts are MMMbopping day and night. Or both! I'm going to go with the latter or both, because by the look on her face in the picture above, they're doing it right there in front of the cameras. That's a picture that's got me asking, "You two are fucking right now, huh?" Who knew that Taylor Hanson's peen is a master of sneakiness? There's no way the Duggars are going to let the Hanson Brothers of all brothers show them up like this. As I type this, Jim Bob is crawling up into Michelle's triple wide coochie tunnel to jack off on top of her ovaries. | |
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