The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Amanda Bynes Really Learned Her Lesson
- No Shade: Madge At Macy's
- Frances Bean Politely Tells Twitter To Shut Courtney Love Up
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 12th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Angie And Brad Are Going To Be In The Same Movie, Maybe
- Things That Will Exist: A Marilyn Monroe Reality Show
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Brad Pitt's Hottest Look
| Amanda Bynes Really Learned Her Lesson | Top |
To commemorate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the three week anniversary of getting pulled over for talking and driving, Amanda Bynes drove her own ass to Chateau Marmont and Greystone Manor to party with her friends. The paps caught Amanda texting behind the wheel before she ran up over the curb while trying to park. Who knows if Amanda's tongue even touched booze last night, but I find from personal experience when I'm standing in the middle of a club surrounded by sweaty hos thinking they're the shit, the only thing I want to do is eat an entire bottle of Jack. Instead of texting, Amanda needs to use her iPhone to look up the synopsis for Crack & Me: The Lindsay Lohan Story, because she's obviously involuntarily remaking that shit and doesn't know what happens next. When are these bitches going to learn that driving Billy Joel-style is no way to drive through life? Isn't driving drunk really hard, anyway? Why would you want to ruin your buzz by trying to focus on not sending yourself or others to Jesus? That seems really stressful. Just do what all smart-thinking sluts do. Either find a sober trick to go home with or drag yourself to the nearest Denny's and face plant right into a stack of pancakes until you're good enough to drive. What L.A. really needs, besides a Piggly Wiggly (I will so move back if L.A. gets a Piggly Wiggly), is a Save a Ho car service complete with an open bar in the back. Oh, the Save a Ho car service should also have a foot surgeon in its backseat, because Amanda's hooves like they are one OW away from quitting her ankles. | |
| No Shade: Madge At Macy's | Top |
Madge's newest album bungee jumped down the charts this week, but she still put on her dontgiveafuckface (No, seriously, she went into her face closet and put on the face labeled "Don't Give A Fuck.") to work the carpet at Macy's in NYC. Madge was at Macy's in Herald Square to whore out her fragrance Truth or Dare (smells like a mixture of decaying hydrangeas, Lady CaCa's tuck sweat, the fear of a South American boy toy, Elton John's burnt toupee and seasoned pussy dust). I know I've said before that Madge's current face looks like it was put together using newborn baby butt cheeks, piano wire and Fix-A-Flat, but I have to say that last night she looked vampire fresh. We can disagree on that, but we cannot and will not disagree over the fact that Madge has some seriously hung veins on her feet. Madge's feet are ribbed for Quentin Tarantino's pleasure. You'd probably get a quick tingle if you rubbed your b-hole against one of them. Baby Brahim is one lucky vein fucker. | |
| Frances Bean Politely Tells Twitter To Shut Courtney Love Up | Top |
One time I was on the G train (short for the Godthistrainisnevercominganditwouldvebeenfastertogetarideonaparaplegicdonkey train) in Brooklyn and some crazy subway prophet kept ranting at the mouth about how all of our sinful souls will one day rot under Lucifer's foreskin. You know, the typical feel-good morning sermon you usually hear from crazies on the subway. In between him calling us heathen pieces of peen cheese, he incoherently sang some song and doing this made him sound like he was speaking pig latin in tongues. So basically, he sounded like Nicki Minaj. This mess went on for way too long. Sometimes, a subway rider can't control their nerves anymore and will shout at the crazy to shut their verbal diarrhea hole. That's never a good move, because fighting crazy with crazy makes the crazy crazier. That didn't happen, but something bizarre did happen. A woman wearing a sensible business suit got up, walked over to the subway prophet, put her hand on his shoulder and told him he can stop now, because we've all heard his message. It didn't work and he kept spewing the shit, but I slow clapped her on the inside for handling that shit in a classy way. Well, Frances Bean is that woman in a sensible business suit, because last night she calmly told Courtney Love to shut the fuck up. Courtney Love went too far, even for Courtney Love, in one of her late-night Twitter rantings when she accused Dave Grohl of trying to sex on Kurt Cobain through Frances Bean's coochie. Dave Grohl already denied that mess, and last night Frances Bean released a statement where she said that Twitter needs to close and lock their doors to crazy ass Courtney: "While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy. "Biological mother." HA. If Courtney Love had any feeling left in her sedated face, she would've felt that swift and quick slap. But like the sensible business woman on the train, Frances Bean's reasonable statement is going to shut Courtney up. When the Twitter train pulls into the next stop, Courtney will get on and start rambling about how Dave Grohl's dick is a pendulum that is hypnotizing Frances Bean into hating her. #staybatshitcrazycourt via People | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 12th! | Top |
And then a PETA rep threw flour on the tree - Sweetas Runners-up: Haven't seen this many bears desperately trying to hide since my Scientology auditing. - scatcat00 Wild animals have a sixth sense when a natural disaster looms. Here, bears in Runyon Canyon scurry to safety as Jessica Simpson's water breaks. - zachhcaz via PIU | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Purple Panda, the robot alien panda who teleported into Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and is now scaring children into old age by teleporting into their classrooms! I don't even remember Purple Panda from Mister Rogers, but now I will never forget him thanks to this hilarious clip: Maybe it's because the beating black organ in my chest was a Disney villain in its past life, but children crying over shit like this is funny to me. I can't blame those little kids for losing their minds, though. I'm like 5 times their age and I'd cry too if Mr. McFeely and a motionless panda who looks like PedoBear's Prince-loving cousin were blocking the only exit. It also doesn't help that Purple Panda stuffed his crotch with bamboo leaves for this occasion. Creepy bitch. Happy Friday the 13th, everyone! Here's hoping that Mr. McFeely and Purple Panda don't block your only exit today. (For Coral) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Al Green (66) | |
| Angie And Brad Are Going To Be In The Same Movie, Maybe | Top |
Angie and Brad are slumping into a state of UGH so you don't have to! 2013 may bring the Brangeloonies a new Brangelina temple in the form of a movie starring the both of them. No, the movie isn't a remake of Rango with Angie Jolie in the title role or a big-screen version of Castlevania with Angie as the spider queen. Angie has already been thinking about shooting a cameo in Ridley Scott's The Counselor and now Brad Pitt is also talking to Ridley about possibly taking a role. Michael Fassbender (that's "Ass Bender" to you and me) will play the title role, a lawyer type who wants to get into the business of selling the bad shit. Deadline also says that Javier Bardem is close to being cast as the villain. Ridley will shoot that shit in Europe this June. As all of us know, the first and only time Brad and Angie did a movie together, it created a tabloid monster that has terrorized our asses ever since, so I wonder what kind of foolery this movie is going to produce? I know everybody wants Angie to lure Michael Fassbender in with her hypnotic vagina, but that would be so typical. But really, we shouldn't be talking about Brangie being in the same movie. We should be talking about how Ridley Scott better do the right thing by writing a substantial role for the real star of this movie: MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S PEEN! It better have the most lines and it better be the star of at least 3 musical montages. And it better have top billing over Brad and Angie. | |
| Things That Will Exist: A Marilyn Monroe Reality Show | Top |
Because Lindsay Lohan and every other bottom of the barrel ho dressing up as her in a photo shoot for Harper's Bazaar Uzbekistan hasn't completely made Marilyn Monroe roll down through the earth's crust, a TV production company and her estate (that's cold) are working together on a reality show that will look for Hollywood's newest "it" girl. Lindsay Lohan, don't you dare drop your coke straw to pick up a pen to fill out an application for this mess. I said "girl" not "ghoul." The plot, or whatever you call it, for this sacrilegiousness sounds like a mess and it honestly makes LiLo's Marilyn Monroe obsession seem completely healthy and not at all fucked up. Here's the few sentences about this soon-to-be disaster from Deadline that are making me want to murder my TV and make it look like a suicide: Entertainment One has teamed with the Estate of Marilyn Monroe to develop and produce Finding Marilyn, a competition reality series that will emulate Monroe's journey to stardom by featuring twelve young girls as they travel to Los Angeles to compete for a chance to become the next Hollywood "it" girl. Emulate Marilyn's journey? In the hell? The makers of this need to compete in a reality show called Finding A FUCKING ASS CLUE since they have none. Once the winner beats the other Norma Jeans (that's totally what they're going to call them), she'll win a lifetime of sadness and a lethal dose of barbiturates. Then when she's gone, the whores of Hollywood and beyond can spit all over her image in every medium. It's the cycle of butchery. May the odds ever be in your BARF. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
I guess Keebler is making silicone titty bags for elves now, because Hayden Panatroll's got a pair and they're covering her chest with shades of Tori Spelling - The Superficial ScarJo admits to sucking on Sean Penn's dehydrated crotch noodle, which is not something someone should ever admit - Lainey Gossip Strangely enough, this is also where Suri Cruises come from - Towleroad Slow day on the ho stroll = the paps taking pictures of She-Pratt - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather No, RPattz doesn't want to take his shirt off, because he knows the Twihards can sniff out his nipple meat from ten miles away - Celebitchy Gluten-free weed and penis cakes does a chipmunk's body good - Hollywood Tuna Adam Levine is flattered by Jennifer Love Hewitt the same way Steve Rodgers was flattered by Wiener Dog - ICYDK Hayden Christensen's hairy Canadian bacon nipples for your pleasure - Popsugar It's probably just me, but Jennifer Lawrence is looking a little Zellweger-ish in this picture. B.Coop's next beard? - The Berry I am only okay with a Sabrina the Teenage Witch remake if Jocelyn Wildenstein plays Salem - Videogum If I had a crack rock for every time Dreamboat went to rehab, I'd probably be in rehab with Dreamboat - The Daily What Gossip No, I'm serious this time, either Blahna Del Taco's upper lip is escaping or there's an invisible fishing hook tugging at it - Just Jared JLo's revenge dress looks a lot like a red eye-shift hooker's get money dress - Cityrag Renee Olstead works her wonk at The Avengers premiere - Hollywood Rag Melody Thornton is the epitome of class - SOW Sweet Brown is back - Crunk + Disorderly PANTY CREAMING CENTRAL: The Avengers premiere last night - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Brad Pitt's Hottest Look | Top |
I didn't think Brad Pitt could ever top this picture, or this picture, or this picture, or this picture and he still hasn't, but this stunning portrait from his high school basketball days comes close. We know who was brushing his golden hair mane 100 times with a Helene Curtis brush in the locker room before every game. Brad's secret defense move was probably knocking his rivals' to the floor by flipping those luscious locks. Never mind that a Missouri public high school actually named their basketball team the "Rejects" (was the Fuck-Ups taken?) and never mind that Shiloh today can play a 14-year-old Brad Pitt in a biopic about the Rejects. The real story here is that Brad was obviously born to play the title role in The Curious Case of Ann Jillian. And scoot a pixie dust skid mark over that picture because it is definitely Peter Pan Dude-approved! | |
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