The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Do We Really Expect GOOPY To Walk Amongst The Peons?
- Demi Moore Is Divorcing @mrskutcher Too
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 17th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Sooooookehhhh Iz With Child
- Kim Kartrashian Wants To Be Mayor
- Evening Crumbs
- The Bachelor Will Be Sued For Discriminating Against Non-White People
- Open Post: Hosted By Spaz de la Huerta Eating A Burrito
| Do We Really Expect GOOPY To Walk Amongst The Peons? | Top |
Point A on the Google map above is the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood and if you drag your eyes all the way across the street, stop to drop some water in them, drag them more, stop to wipe off the peon breath with a Chanel baby wipe and keep going, you'll eventually land on point B, Madeo's in West Hollywood. I know, can you believe they're in the same city?!!!!!. (Your eyeballs might need to catch a few breaths after going on that long journey, so take all the time you need before moving on.) If we can barely make that Lawrence of Arabia-like trek with our eyes, how can anyone expect cuntress of her own universe, Fishsticks Paltrow, to make that same journey in real life and on foot?! We shouldn't and that's why I do not appreciate this story from Page Six. After the party for Paul McCartney's new video, a bunch of guests including Miranda Kerr, Jane Fonda, Orlando Bloom and Amy Smart walked 0.06 miles to have dinner together at Madeo's. As those suckers walked on the dirty sidewalk, Fishy and her asshole husband Chris Martin were chauffeured there in a Lincoln Town Car. Apparently, the car ride took all of 10 seconds. Page Six thinks this is funny, because Fishy tries to be some kind of environmentalist and has done green public service announcements in the past. To which I say, um, Fishy does care about the environment. She protected the environment in the bubble that surrounds her and that's honestly the only environment we should care about. Do you know what could've happened if Fishy went on the 3 minute-long walk all the way to Madeo's? She could've walked by a poor eating McDonald's. What if the poor coughed and she accidentally inhaled its McDonald's-infused breath? She would've had to go on a cleanse for at least 389 days to get the toxic-ness out of her pure system? Sure, her slaves could've carried her on a Versace throne, but what if a non-organic leaf from a non-organic tree brushed her face? Think of all the crushed diamond facials she would have to go through to get her face skin back to its pristine state? And Fishy can't set foot on a public sidewalk unless it's been power washed with Voss. So really, Fishy did do her part for our (not her) environment. Think of all the diamonds and glass Voss bottles that were spared from her taking that ride in a Town Car. Speaking of, she took a TOWN CAR! Do they even make those in Europe? I swear, what more do you monsters want from this woman? Bitches are just jealous because her carbon footprint was made with a Louboutin. Stay hating, poor whores. Stay. Hating. | |
| Demi Moore Is Divorcing @mrskutcher Too | Top |
After spending weeks trying to get her shit together in rehab and another few weeks on vacation from rehab, Demi Moore is back on the prowl in more ways that one. Lock up your bathroom mirrors, bikinis, Four Loko stash, bath salts and anything else your midwestern suburban teen daughter might get into when it's teacher's day at school and she's home by herself. The former sunshine walker came out last night for the premiere party for some talk show she's executive producing for Lifetime called The Conversation. Demi also returned to her position as Twitter's oversharing and philosophical mom. Yes, Deep Thoughts (And Random Bathroom Bikini Phoot Shoots) with Demi Moore is back. Demi told all of her followers that she's officially breaking up with her Twatter handle and is looking for a new name: Time for a change, twitter name change... any suggestions? @offthekutch? @pleasenomooreofyouinadamnbathroombikini? @kabbalahbabe (Oh, fuck my fingers off, she's totally going to choose that one)? All is right again. Demi is back on the ho stroll, she's back on Twitter and you're back to caring more about the aromatic undertones of your own farts than what Demi writes on Twitter. The world can continue to pirouette! Here's more of Demi with Joy Bryant, Chupa, the editor of InStyle, Amanda De Cadanet and Kelly Preston (wearing one of John Travolta's costumes from Hairspray) at the party for The Conversation in Beverly Hills last night. The last time we saw Demi, she looked like the star of Oxygen's remake of The Walking Dead and now she's definitely looking a lot healthier, so I won't comment on how I really want her to teabag me with her cheeks. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 17th! | Top |
It took 7 years of planning with the world's best architects, but Brad Pitt finally unveiled the house he built in New Orleans for a Katrina survivor. It's eco-friendly, conflict free and made to match Angie's hands. - daisy100 Runners-up: A monument to all the brave men and women who died performing Khloe Kuntrashian's last cervical cancer screening. - TheAustinMark Jessica Simpson has started to dilate! - AgentM via Gravy Holocaust | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The plastic ponytail hair cone from the 90s! Full disclosure: The picture I used is a reproduction, because I couldn't find a clear vintage portrait of an authentic hair tool of glamour from the late 80s and early 90s. That one above is from ASOS. I know, you can barf at me through a plastic ponytail cone. After Madonna brought out the high genie ponytail for the Blonde Ambition tour, hos of all ages ran to the nearest Sally's Beauty and/or swap meet to buy the cheap ass plastic hair cone. You could buy like 3 for a $1 and everyone I knew had the gold ribbed one. It made the top of your head look like a hair fountain. I regularly stole one from my sister and since I had short hair, I had to pull a pair of beige pantyhose through the cone and hold it on top of my head while vogueing in front of the mirror. When I would feel extra theatrical, I'd turn a pair of Walkman headphones sideways and I'd strap it to my head so it would look like Madge's face mic. A tragic mess. That is exactly why I'm thankful YouTube wasn't even a jizz fish in its daddy's nutsack when I was a kid. Because everything from the early 90s is making a comeback, I'm sure I'll see a bunch of young ass hos try to work the gold ponytail hair cone. They shouldn't even try it. If you're not wearing it with pantyhose hair, you're doing it wrong. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
David Tennant (41) | |
| Sooooookehhhh Iz With Child | Top |
Soooooookeeeeehhhh's nymph womb is now filled with a fairy vampire human baby (a "Walter Mercado" for short) she made with Beeeeeehl. Reps for 29-year-old Anna Paquin and 42-year-old Stephen Moyer tell Entertainment Weekly that she's knocked up with her first child and his third. Sookeh will pop out her fairy vampire baby on the floor of Merlotte's sometime this fall. Yes, Sookeh and Beehl's babeh will have eyes like a squinting possum (from him) and a tooth gap that can fit a domino, but it will get to call ASkars "uncle" and I'm sure they'll name it Lafayette Teacup Human Paquin-Moyer. I'm already jealous of it and will find a to glamour it to think it's me so we can trade places (mostly so I can call ASkars "uncle"). Unfortunately, those True Blood hos are almost finished filming the next season so they're not going to pull a Betty Draper by giving us a Fat Sookeh. DAMN. | |
| Kim Kartrashian Wants To Be Mayor | Top |
| Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, was married to a primitive dildo solely for publicity, barely pays taxes, thinks the poors are gross, has zero sense of real reality, would kick a disabled blind kitty for a dollar and so her natural next step in life is straight into the world of politics. I've always said that the tip or Ray J's boomerang dick is a stepping stone to running a city. Kim is already mayor of Whoresdale on Foursquare, but now she wants to be a the real maywhore of Glendale, CA. In a completely attention whory clip (and I'm falling for it) for the newest episode of Khlozilla & Lamar, Pimp Mama Kris' head ho tells Khloe about her plans to make Glendale's population drop from 200,000 people to a couple of golden shower fetishists: "I decided I'm going to run for the mayor of Glendale. So you have to have full residency in Glendale... So for real, Noelle's going to head my campaign, but it's going to be in like 5 years. So I have to buy a house there. You have to buy a house there. Noelle and I are looking into the requirements and I'm literally going to have a huge... She's going to help me with my campaign. Cause it's like Armeniantown. But I need to wait like 5 years." Because this useless piece of non-news should be taken seriously by the former mayor of Glendale, the former mayor of Glendale Ara Najarian is taking it seriously and tells The Los Angeles Times that he has offered Kim the position of "honorary chief of staff" so she can learn about city policies and shit. I bet the Glendale's city policies handbook is more than 140 characters long, so I'm hoping Ara Najarian is a genius who knows that Kim's head will combust into bronzer dust and Kanye jizz if she reads anything longer than a Tweet. As much as I'd like to see Kim run for maywhore on the platform of labia bleaches for everyone, this isn't going to happen solely for the fact that I'm pretty sure a mayoral term is longer than 72 days. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
RiRi tried to out-brag Beyonce's Tumblr page by unleashing a million vacation pictures on her Facebook page and this one's got me squinting hard. Is it me (it's me) or is RiRi bottomless in that picture? Either she lost her bikini bottoms in that shark cage or getting cunnilingus from a shark is a new thing - Celebitchy Missed opportunity = Emma Stone not wearing a Tina Yothers t-shirt - Lainey Gossip SPOILER ALERT: The mystery woman's name starts with Ryan and ends with Gaycrest - The Superficial Whatever the hell Nicolette Sheridan is doing here, I'm into it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Everything wrong about the 90s died on Katy Perry's body - Go Fug Yourself #itdoesntgetbetter - Towleroad The phrase "nuevo orgasmo" should never EVER be allowed anywhere near Selena Gomez - Hollywood Tuna A flavorless block of boring dryness....and a bale of hay - Popoholic The Lohaning of Amanda Bynes continues - ICYDK Why didn't anybody tell RDJ that a tradition in Russia is that all movie stars with the initials RDJ must do virgin vodka shots off of their own nipple while completely naked in front of an HD camera? - Popsugar More of Renee Zellweger's second face on Harper's Bazaar - The Berry Drunk mess leading drunk mess - Celebslam Angie Jo was promoted to Empress Queen President God Buddha of the UN or something - I'm Not Obsessed I'm mad that they make that toddler Muppet hoody in adult sizes - Crunk + Disorderly Anti-Beyonce puppy is always telling you to the right, to the right - Cityrag This will eventually be Siri's suicide note - Videogum Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudekisisisiwhatever are still farting hearts for each other - Hollywood Rag The plot of Tommy Girl's new movie is more of a mess than his chonies after a lunch date with David Beckham - Just Jared | |
| The Bachelor Will Be Sued For Discriminating Against Non-White People | Top |
Last year, Entertainment Weekly asked the creator of The Bachelor if there will ever be a Bachelor or Bachelorette who isn't white and this is what splattered out of his douche hole: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it's just that for whatever reason, they don't come forward. I wish they would." That leads our asses to this story from The Hollywood Reporter. Minor league football players Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks announced that they will throw a class-action lawsuit at the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for committing an act of racial discrimination by not once featuring a non-white person as the Bachelor or Bachelorette during all 23 seasons (yes, TWENTY THREE FUCKING SEASONS OF WRECKERY) of that shit. Both Nathaniel and Christopher went to an open call in Nashville for The Bachelor, but they were pushed to the side of the room and weren't given a regular audition. They didn't get called back and they say it's because their skin color isn't #FFFFFF. Most of the boring hos on The Bachelor shows have the personality of armpit dandruff and they're so desperate that they look like members of the Jennifer Love Hewitt Tribe. They wear the ugliest dresses bought from a prom shop's going out of business sale and when they go back home their neighbors chase them away for shaming their town. So if the producers turned me down, I'd take that as a compliment. And speaking of lawsuits against The Bachelor, when is Gloria Allred going to file a complaint in federal court on behalf of roses everywhere. Think of the roses that have been wasted on those basic ass bitches. The Bachelor has slowly been committing rose genocide for years and they must be stopped! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Spaz de la Huerta Eating A Burrito | Top |
Now, this is some performance art shit that belongs in a museum. If a butterriverdancer can get some gallery time, so can a burrito-swallowing Spaz de la Huerta. You know how on some Monday afternoons you wake up between two parked cars on the street and your hair feels so ratty that you're convinced two horny street rats mated in it while you were passed out? Just when you start to give thanks that all of your make-up didn't rub off on the asphalt, a worker from a nearby bodega shoos you away by spraying you with hose water in the face. Suddenly, you're stumbling down the street SANS FARDS and a chill touches your body as you realize you lost the fur bolero you had on the night before. So you go into a Mexican restaurant to use their bathroom and to also make a scarf out of toilet paper. Three seconds after you leave the bathroom, the Mexican restaurant owner recognizes you as that ho who is always trying to trade handies for platanos with his customers and so he pushes a burrito into your hands and tells you to leave. He doesn't want any trouble! You walk down a block or two and sit on a stoop to eat your burrito. Then a man sits down next to you and asks you if you can autograph the pussy wig you wore on that HBO show. He bought it on eBay and it's in his bag. This happens to you most Monday afternoons, so you should know what I'm talking about. Well, Spaz de la Huerta reenacted this scene in NYC yesterday. I know, finally some real art around this place. | |
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