The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Lisa Robin Kelly Was Setup!
- BREAKING: Xtina Keeps The Lead-Based Red Paint Off Of Her Lips
- Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo
- Ryan Gosling Continues To Save Lives
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 3rd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- And Here's Hilary Duff's 2-Week-Old Baby
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Being Beautiful Is Hard: The Samantha Brick Story
| Lisa Robin Kelly Was Setup! | Top |
The California Mug Shot Museum of Beauty founds its new Mona Lisa over the weekend when Laurie from That '70s Show gave the camera some methed out tarsier realness. Lisa Robin Kelly claims that legendary mug shot shoot should have never happened, because it wasn't not funny and she wasn't not guilty of all charges! Lisa Robin Kelly was charged with spousal abuse, but she's telling TMZ that: a) She never whooped a trick and; b) The trick isn't even her husband or boyfriend. Lisa then reached into White Oprah's ass, swat away a few empty vodka bottles and pulled out the only excuse in there: I WAS SETUP! Lisa says that the guy she allegedly beat is actually her roommate and he's the one who slapped her around. Lisa and her man roommate have been getting into it for a while now, and when she tried to move out over the weekend, he went after her. Lisa called the police, but her roommate fled the scene before they arrived. Lisa didn't want to waste her time pressing charges, so she dropped it. Lisa thought it was over until she found out that her roommate waltzed into a police station with cuts all over his face and claimed that she attacked him. Lisa went on to explain, "He must have scratched himself or done something to himself. I am clean and sober and I have made a lot of progress. I am completely innocent. I weigh 105 pounds. I could never hurt him. I just want to start working again." Who to believe? Who to believe? The only evidence we have to go by is Lisa's Faces of Mordor mug shot. Lisa's right brow looks like it was in a tussle and lost, so that supports her story. But Lisa's eyes have that same glassy glare your friend gives you right before they're about to scratch your throat out for taking the last hit from the meth pipe, so that supports his story. As they say, this story is developing....as is the lawsuit Lindsay Lohan is going to hit Lisa Robin Kelly with for stealing her trademarked excuse! | |
| BREAKING: Xtina Keeps The Lead-Based Red Paint Off Of Her Lips | Top |
While escorted by her rent-to-own man mule, Xtina left The Little Door restaurant in West Hollywood last night wearing a dress so damn tight that I can practically see the outline of her belly button lint. But the real story here is that Xtina gave the Maaco employees who blast her face with orange car paint the day off and her face doesn't look like it came straight from the set of a clown porn. Seeing Xtina without half of a Dutch Boy paint factory on her face is about as rare as Kelly Preston not saying "Didn't I tell you to brush your teeth after chewing on man ass?" to John Travolta when he kisses her hello. Xtina's eyelids still look like barbecue charcoal nuggets, but this is practically her SANS FARDS. I knew hos would step up their beauty game after Samantha Brick came on the scene, but this is beyond! | |
| Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo | Top |
Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation: "Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I'm not well-endowed, and those suits don't really show you off in the most…" This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance.... The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood." The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards! So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one. | |
| Ryan Gosling Continues To Save Lives | Top |
Ryan Gosling can stop a street fight by cooling the boiling blood in everyone's head with the velvety maple syrup essence that wafts off of him when he cracks a smile, but his life-saving powers go way beyond that. Ryan Godling is a real human being AND a real hero. Laurie Penny, a British journalist, learned this firsthand when Ryan saved her from walking in front of a speeding taxi in NYC yesterday. Laurie was on 6th Avenue and completely forgot that all American cars are righters. Laurie was looking the other way when Ryan winked death away from her by pulling her to safety. Of course, Laurie Tweeted about her real-life remake of Closer and of course, Ryan wore a Canadian tuxedo while saving her from getting a bear hug from the Grim Reaper. via Observer: I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling. Literally. That actually just happened. Are we sure the cab driver didn't just swerve out of the way to pull over and fap to the boner-inducing Canadian dream in the flesh? But I really want to know is how did Laurie reward Ryan for his heroic act? I mean, the reasonable thing to do what would be to let Ryan know that you are going to honor his heroism by pinning your Purple No-No Medal to his peen. And when your ass walks by a pink wig-wearing ho lying on the street after getting hit by a taxi, you can tell her that she's just been Gosling'ed. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 3rd! | Top |
Officer radios in: "We've got ourselves a situation." Runners-up: "It's Reining Men, Hallelujah!" - BaconSlut When you order spotted dick in New Jersey this is what you get! - SalmaNella So Matthew likes to dress up with a friend and let Sarah Jessica strap one on- so what? - ISprainedMyUvula The full pic is behind the cut and I know you're probably wondering why a horse peen is considered NSFW. But well, if I had a picture of Trace Cyrus' nakedness, I'd shield that from workplace eyes, so it's only fair. JUMP! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Aqua, the (allegedly) maniacal pussy who (allegedly) tried to viciously murder his owner in her own Manhattan apartment! Aqua (seen here making a "Don't tase me, bro!" face or a violent handjob face) was caught by the police and his rampage against humanity was put to an end after he attacked his owner Marta Hevia as she came out of the bathroom. Marta says that Aqua bit at her knee and clawed at her arm. Marta called it "cattempted murder," and every other cat owner calls it a "Monday." Marta bravely tells The New York Daily News that her 2-year-old tuxedo tabby jumped at her and was obviously trying to kill her ass. Marta called 911 (because that's what you do when a cat acts like a cat) and when the police arrived, that hot bitch Aqua wasn't about to be taken in by the man, so he jumped through a glass window pane like the bad ass gangsta pussy he is. Sadly, the cops caught Aqua and threw him into the chokey aka a cat carrier from Petco. Marta has an idea for why Aqua came at her, "He's neutered, but he's always after (my other cat) because she's in heat. Maybe it was my perfume. Maybe he didn't like it. I don't know ." Or maybe he's finally getting back at your ass for naming him Aqua and I know you didn't name him after the greatest musical group of all time. I'm not going to hate on Marta for not knowing that you can easily subdue a pussy by tying a sock around its body or distract it with something shiny, but I will hate on her for accusing Aqua of murder. Cats aren't that obvious about their murder attempts. They are shifty bitches who will wait until you're asleep. Then they'll chew the phone wires, sit on your chest and lick your eyelids shut with their saliva while slowly siphoning the life out of you through your mouth. Or they will patiently wait until you give them a bath and claw at your wrists to make it look like a suicide. Aqua wasn't trying to claw a heffa to death. Aqua's regular catnip dealer accidentally cut his shit with the wrong stuff. That's what happened. With all that said: FREE AQUA!!!!!!!!!! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Robert Downey Jr. (47) | |
| And Here's Hilary Duff's 2-Week-Old Baby | Top |
One of the good things about being a celebrity is that if you have a baby you can whore them out to a magazine for millions of dollars and use that money to pay for a full-time nanny staff so you don't have to be bothered with annoying stuff like feeding them and taking care of them or whatever. No out of pocket expenses! But apparently, Hilary Duff doesn't think this way, because she Tweeted this picture of her baby son Luca for free. IN THIS ECONOMY, Hilary Duff is just giving away celebrity baby pictures like celebrity baby pictures grow on trees. FOR SHAME! As for Baby Luca, his eyes are so big that it looks like he's staring past the camera lens, through my monitor and is scanning my brain for any vital information he might want to upload to the headquarters on his home planet. In other words, he looks like he's about to Skype home. In other other words, he looks like a baby! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Vanity Fair's awkward "Women in Television" cover is nothing without Ma from Ma's Roadhouse - Celebitchy Nice try, Blake NotSoLively, but Salma Hayek's Nina Hagen wig is where my eyes want to be - Lainey Gossip Country music joins the rest of the world in hating Ashton Kutcher - The Superficial Spaz de la Huerta should really teach bottoms on Grindr how to really sell that ass - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather It's only been about a quick minute so of course it's time for another Blue Lagoon remake - Hollywood Tuna FYI: Bruno Mars has not left the closet - Towleroad Hilary Duff is one of those mothers posting pictures of her baby's feet while thinking it looks like art and shit - ICYDK It took me a few seconds to realize this was a DirecTV commercial and not an ad on public access for a personals chat line - Popoholic I don't know what this says about me (SPOILER ALERT: It says I have no life), but I just spent a good 2 minutes staring at RPattz's flowy pitt hair - Popsugar The joke will be on Katy Perry when the Health Department shuts her house down after finding out that Russell Brand infected every room with his skankness - IDLYITW Foghorn Leghorn and Chicken Hawk go for a romantic stroll in NYC - Crunk + Disorderly JLo and her boy toy play a game of pin the Tail on the Donkey Booty - Just Jared Rosie O'Donnell's house looks like Pottery Barn shit all up in it - The Berry Which one is Vinnie again? - I'm Not Obsessed Sarah Palin managed to make Ann Unflavored Curry look interesting on Today this morning - The Daily What Kate Moss is always ready to party (see: undone belt) - Hollywood Rag Baby knows true talent when she see it - Cityrag Please tell me this is just a dramatization of Lindsay Lohan's life - Videogum | |
| Being Beautiful Is Hard: The Samantha Brick Story | Top |
If Samantha Brick could excuse her beauty, she would literally excuse her beauty, because it has brought her nothing but pain, suffering and jealous glares from hating bitches who wish they were born with a face as gorgeous as hers. In a heartbreaking piece for the literary journal of truth, The Daily Mail, Samantha bravely writes about society's prejudice against stunningly, exquisite flowers like herself. When strange men aren't lavishing gifts upon Samantha, their envious wives are throwing shade at her. As I organize a telethon to benefit the plight of the pretty, please open your not-as-beautiful hearts to Samantha's "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" tale: On how you've got Visa, MasterCard or American Express, but Samantha's got something called natural beauty. (SAMANTHA'S FACE: Don't leave home without it!): "Throughout my adult life, I've regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don't know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris. Some people fight the hot, but the hot is fighting Samantha. Devastating, I know. If you're assuming that Samantha has fallen so deep into the black hole of delusion that she lives in a White Oprah-like Twilight Zone world where she believes that women hate her for her life-ruining beauty when they really hate her because she's annoyingly crazy, then I need to tell you that's the jealousy talking. I would tell you to go take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror, but then you'd see that you're not as magically stunning as Samantha Brick. Then you'll feel sad inside and Samantha doesn't want that. Samantha doesn't want you feel as lonely as her. Samantha just wants you to look past her spellbinding beauty and love her for her. "Bitch, now you know I how feel!" - Helen of Troy to Samantha of UK, a woman with a face that can launch a thousand LOLs. | |
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