The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Lindsay Lohan Has Banned Herself From The Standard Hotel
- Carey Mulligan & Marcus Mumford Are Married Now
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- And Now For Some Classy And Quality Entertainment
- Evening Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 20th!
- Taylor Swift Might Play Joni Mitchell
- But Where's Dylan?
- So Lindsay Lohan's The One Who Threw The Drink
| Lindsay Lohan Has Banned Herself From The Standard Hotel | Top |
The housekeeping department at The Standard Hotel no longer has to worry about wiping dirty bronzer skid marks from the toilet seats Lindsay Lohan does lines off of, because she has vowed to never ever terrorize that place again. LiLo made that decision, because she somehow magically keeps getting into bitch brawl after bitch brawl there. You know, because the place is the drunked up, cracked out mess, not her. TMZ says that LiLo is on the prowl for a new place to haunt and so every bar in L.A. should probably only use plastic glasses from now on. TMZ also said this shit: We're told Lindsay is fully aware she's now a big fat target ... knowing full well there are people who want either quick publicity, some easy money or both -- but she vows not to become a shut-in out of fear. What ever happened to LiLo promising to spend her nights knitting bible verses into pillow cases while sipping lukewarm lemon water from a mug? This dumb bitch. Trouble doesn't go looking for LiLo, LiLo goes looking for trouble. It's like if I go on Craigslist looking for peen and then clutch my pearls three hours later when I've suddenly got a dick in my ass. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! If LiLo wasn't dumber than a suppository, she'd monetize being a mess. She'd move back to the East Coast, join the cast of Mob Wives and get paid to scrap with hos in bars. | |
| Carey Mulligan & Marcus Mumford Are Married Now | Top |
Marcus Mumford from that British folk band Mumford & Sons married human Pixie stick Carey Mulligan in the English countryside today in front of a bunch of guests including former homewrecker hero Sienna Miller, Jakey Gyllenhaal and Colin Firth. That dizziness filling your head is your blood sugar levels rising from the word twee fucking you hard after reading that last sentence. I mean, Carey Mulligan and the dude from Mumford & Sons (or as Jezebel so perfectly puts it, "the Sith Michelle Williams and Jason Segel") barfing out their love for each other in a country wedding? I bet their dancefloor is a field of wild flowers and they're dancing barefoot like a bunch of rich hippies as a dude wearing a tweed three-piece suit plays the harmonica while sitting in a tree. I can practically hear the laughs from blonde little girls in white cotton fairy princess dresses chasing fireflies around. I'm sure all their wedding pictures were taken with an accordion camera and Carey and Marcus will leave the wedding reception on a wooden wagon pulled by a pony with a flower wreath on its head. A British Knott's Berry Farm mess. UsWeekly says that Marcus and Carey have been together a little over a year, but they knew each other as children. Marcus and Carey became pen pals through their churches. I know, they're just too much. From childhood church pen pals to getting married in a country wedding? I'm pretty sure I've already that story and I'm pretty sure it was written by the lady who wrote Anne of Green Gables. (Image via Pacific Coast News) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Racquel Bailey, a 23-year-old aspiring actress from New Jersey who used her entire life savings of $1,500 to put her headshot and a special message for Tyler Perry on a billboard near his studio in Atlanta. I wasn't sure about this being a completely brilliant move until the word "YES!!!!" slapped me in the head after I asked myself, "Would Sean Young do this?" Seriously, if Sean Young will do it, then it's all kinds of right. Racquel tells 11 Alive News (via CL Atlanta) that she rented ad space on a billboard two miles from Tyler Perry's studio hoping that Tyler (that's Miss Perry if you're nasty and he's wearing his Madea panties) will see it when he's driving to work. "I hoped he would see it while he was driving to work, or on his way home from work, or that someone would see it!" she told 11Alive's Blayne Alexander via Skype Last money of the year? Somebody's gonna be surviving on ketchup packets from White Castle and garden hose water from a public building for the rest of the year. But that whole starving, weak "feed me Jesus" look will fit right into a Tyler Perry movie. And if that billboard hasn't convinced Tyler to cast her immediately, Racquel's demo reel will: You know you're witnessing serious acting at work when the actor puts on one of those weird Madonna on Novocaine accents while reciting old timey English. Tyler Perry so needs to take his tongue out of that honey bun it's in and cast Racquel Bailey in Madea Goes to Hell or whatever. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Iggy Pop (65) | |
| And Now For Some Classy And Quality Entertainment | Top |
| America isn't about to let the UK show us up as the demure gypsy flower capital of the world and so the makers of the show where Kate Middleton gets all her style inspiration from, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, are bringing us My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, which will start airing on TLC a week from Sunday. By the looks of this clip from TMZ, we will all overdose on elegance while watching the first episode. This shit is so high brow that I really feel like Sir Laurence Olivier should be narrating it. I mean, you will want to put on your best before hitting play. You're in the presence of refined company. In the clip shot at a wedding in West Virginia last November, the precious jewel (No, she really is a precious jewel. Her name is Diamond.) wearing a couture dress from Hefty's Botticelli collection is looking to get into it with Mellie, the graceful gazelle wearing an exquisite ensemble she bought with nothing but sticky ones. Diamond (more like a CZ, no, more like a ball of foil) is the maid of honor and doesn't appreciate that Mellie, one of the groom's relatives, is talking shit about the wedding. Mellie sashays out of the church and the two handle their differences the way all fine ladies handle their differences: they get into a nipple-baring, pussy-flashing sidewalk fight. Just when you think that the rubenesque blossom is about to slap Mellie into dust, there's a surprising twist! Alistair Cooke is up in heaven kicking himself for dying 8 years too soon, because presenting this clip on Masterpiece Theater would've been the highlight of his career. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
Not even a pair of jeans can mask the magnificence of CoCo's camel toe - Hollywood Tuna If you want to hear me ramble into a serious state of drunk, click the link for my conversation with Julie Klausner about how I did phone sex for a second (the sound of my voice will tell you why I didn't last) and other stuff - How Was Your Week? or iTunes Julia Roberts' subtle bitchiness remains intact.....and why in the hell is she dressed like a schoolgirl from the 60s? - Lainey Gossip I like that the mask on James Franco's head looks like it was made with several silicone nutsacks - The Superficial Of course Jennifer Aniston did the slow, silent cry wall slide when she was hit with the news she won't go down in history as Brad Pitt's only wife - Celebitchy I love it when news people give us that dirty talk - Towleroad We get it, Miranda Kerr, you can do sex while braiding your hair with your foot, we get it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Emily Blunt was dressed like a blunt yesterday and today she's dressed like a blood clot - Popoholic Chupa Zoe's son looks really happy to be dressed like the star of a baby version of Tom Sawyer - ICYDK BREAKING: Fishsticks is actually walking - Popsugar 36 reasons why the peace sign needs to say peace out - The Berry Gross and I bet Jason Segel wrote "I Wuvs U" on Michelle Williams' hand with his fingers - Videogum The slutty Nirvana look is so not now - Go Fug Yourself But why does Raz-B have his name written in jizz on his sunglasses? - Crunk + Disorderly There's not enough ecstasy in the world that'll make me think this raver mess look is hot - Just Jared Please tell me at least one of these 4/20 cakes has a creamed Fritos filling - Cityrag Shannen Doherty reunited with all her ghosts from the past last night - Hollywood Rag Excuse me while I move to Canada, they're showing gay porn on network TV now - OMG Blog | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 20th! | Top |
via Poorly Dressed | |
| Taylor Swift Might Play Joni Mitchell | Top |
When your stiff-as-a-concrete-erection acting skills in Valentine's Day made Taylor Lautner look like an organic human creature who is capable of producing natural emotions in front of a camera, you should quit the acting shit while you're not ahead and stick to what you're good at: goat yodeling, bearding and training hos to look really surprised at their own surprise parties. Taylor Swift isn't taking my advice, because Variety (via HuffPo) is hearing that she's talking to the producers of Girls Like Us to play Joni Mitchell in the movie. Yeah, so now you know why you saw Joni Mitchell at the coffin store asking the salesperson which one is best for rolling in. Girls Like Us is based on a book by the same name is about Joni Mitchell, Carole King and Carly Simon in the 60s through the 70s. The producers at looking at Alison Pill as a possibility to play Carole King. CDAN said a couple of months ago that Taylor was going to play Joni, but Variety says this is only an idea and the producers haven't passed her a contract to sign yet. That means there's still time to stop this disaster from happening! It's not too late. I've looked at this from both sides now and both sides are screaming out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! First, there's a rumor that RiRi's going to play Whitney Houston and now this shit is stabbing us in the soul? What's next? Miley Cyrus as Karen Carpenter? Whores are all about holograms right now, so why don't they just create a hologram of a young Joni Mitchell and make it play a young Joni Mitchell. Or hell, get Hologram Tupac to play Joni Mitchell, because I'd rather see that than listen to Taylor Swift warble out "A Case You." | |
| But Where's Dylan? | Top |
Throwing an "Okay, just the tip, though" side-eye, Kelly Taylor got dry humped in the butt by Steve Sanders at the party for her new reality show Jennie Garth: A Little Bit of Country at The London Hotel in West Hollywood last night. I'm sure some 90210 fan wrote a Brenda/Kelly/Steve threesome fan fiction on pastel lined paper in their Trapper Keeper during homeroom back in the day, so this is for them, but this is not my kind of 90210 threesome. The only kind of 90210 threesome I want involves Brenda, Dylan and that hot bitch Rick bumping it in the back seat of Kelly's red BMW convertible as Jeremy Jordan serenades them. Here's a few more from last night's sort of kind not really 90210 reunion. The party was also thrown together to celebrate Kelly's birthday number 40, which I'm pretty sure is also he same age Gabrielle Carteris was when she started playing a freshmen in fucking high school. | |
| So Lindsay Lohan's The One Who Threw The Drink | Top |
Before I get into more of Lindsay Lohan's crackhead antics, I thought I'd wet your whistle (with barf) with this picture of Michael Lohan looking like an uncircumcised turtle dick while striking a vomit-inducing pose in the mirror. Don't you dare throw Michael a compliment for his abs, because we all know those aren't abs under his lycra turtleneck, they're two halved slices of sausage. Moving on.... As Michael Lohan makes a bathroom mirror cry by putting his crack rock hard nipples in front of it, his partner in foolery Lindsay Lohan has been accused of starting the fight that ended with a delicious cocktail getting wasted. Michael tells TMZ that LiLo was the innocent one and she's the one who got splattered at The Standard Hotel on Wednesday night. But a friend of the girl LiLo got into a fight with says she started everything. LiLo was sitting in a booth next to the trick and got bumped. LiLo turned around, tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her, "Did you bump into me?" The girl denied it and told LiLo it was probably Michael Lohan who was sitting next to her. The rest of the situation went like this: LiLo: That's my dad, why would he bump into me? Girl: You go clubbing with your dad? LiLo: (insert every curse word here) *picks up drink, throws at a ho* And that's the other side of the story. Blohan is a self-entitled piece of trash who has about as much sense as she has cartilage in her nose, but if there's one thing she respects it's booze and I doubt she'd waste a drop of it. Water is anti-booze and will dilute your buzz, so I doubt bitch had any of that on her table. If it's not at least 100 proof, LiLo ain't putting it on her table. White Oprah taught her well. So LiLo's totally got the Respect the Booze defense on her side. And obviously, that girl threw Michael Lohan shade because she was jealous at how his tight sexy white turtleneck makes his titties pop. | |
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