Thursday, April 12, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Tell Us Something We Don't Know, Joe Eszterhas Top

When Mel Gibson announced that he was producing a movie about legendary Jewish warrior Judah Maccabee, anybody whose brain hasn't been logged with jacuzzi water could clearly see that he was only doing this to make people forget that he spends his off hours punching yarmulkes while sticking his nasty peen in a fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's pussy. Well, Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter Mad Mel hired to work with him on the script, just learned this BRAND NEW information and let that ho have it in a 9 page letter.

Clueless Joe from Hannibal, DUH should've kept it simple by simple writing, "Dear Mel, you're a glum cunt. Fuck off. I hate you.," but instead he detailed the reasons why working with Mel was the worst professional experience of his career. Warner Bros. rejected Joe's script and he blames it all on Mel. In the letter magically obtained by The Wrap, Joe writes that instead of focusing on the script, Mad Mel raged about murdering Oksana Gregorieva during ass sex (Side Note: Strangely enough, that sounds like a scene Joe Eszterhas would write.) and constantly referred to Jews as "oven dodgers." So yeah, it's just Mel being Mel!

Here's a few choice quotes, but click here if you need to say DUH on a loop while reading a 9 page letter:

On Mel's love of slurs: "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He's a Hebe, isn't he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"

On how Mel thinks the Holocaust is basically a work of fiction: "You said the Holocaust was 'mostly a lot of horseshit.' You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, ... you insisted 'it's in the Torah -- it's in there!' (It isn't)."

On how Mel is always just being Mel: "I've come to the conclusion that the reason you won't make 'The Maccabees' is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews."

On how Mel threatened to put a hit out on Oksana: "You were raving at Oksana even after you'd reached a custody agreement over Luci.... And then you were even more explicit about your threat: 'I'm going to kill her! I'm going to have her killed!' You said you'd become friends with two FBI agents (or former FBI agents) and they were going to help you to kill her."

On how Mel is still as romantic as ever: "You said, 'I want to fuck her in the ass and stab her to death while I'm doing it.'"

Mel, his publicist and three bottles of Valium all got into a room together and wrote a calm open response to Joe and released it to Deadline. Mel says that Joe made a lot of that shit up, but he also apologizes for using "colorful" words.

I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn't written a single word of a script or even an outline after 15 months of research, meetings, discussions and the outpouring of my heartfelt vision for this story. I did react more strongly than I should have. I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.

Contrary to your assertion that I was only developing Maccabees to burnish my tarnished reputation, I have been working on this project for over 10 years and it was publicly announced 8 years ago. I absolutely want to make this movie; it's just that neither Warner Brothers nor I want to make this movie based on your script.

Honestly, Joe, not only was the script delivered later than you promised, both Warner Brothers and I were extraordinarily disappointed with the draft. In 25 years of script development I have never seen a more substandard first draft or a more significant waste of time. The decision not to proceed with you was based on the quality of your script, not on any other factor.

If Mel's "colorful" words were a Crayon color, it's name would be, Anti-Semite Sepia or Razzle Dazzle IHATEFUCKINGJEWS Rose.

What can you really say? I'd be more shocked if Mel Gibson didn't say crap like this. If you put a grey wig on top of Hilter's anus and asked it to frown, it would look like Mad Mel so none of this is surprising at all. I've heard that Joe isn't exactly as innocent and pure as a newly grown hair on a virgin angel's taint, but there's one small fact that leads me to his side.... THE DUDE WROTE SHOWGIRLS, all other arguments are invalid.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 11th! Top

Leann Rimes tried to recreate Rihanna's UMBRELLA video. Unfortunately, shooting had to stop when she sat on the prop. - Tulipan

Runners-up:

When Posh Beckham accidentally showed her reptilian self many people could not tell the difference. - oh dave

Submitted by on Wed, 04/11/2012 - 9:45pm.
I always wondered what would happen if Gary Busey's teeth had sex with John Travolta's butt plug... - GingeMinge

via Poorly Dressed

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Milly, a 3-month-old chihuahua from Puerto Rico who has just hit the ho stroll and is trying to snatch away the world's smallest dog crown from current holder (and the crackhead of my heart) Boo Boo!

Throwing photographers a "please don't sneeze or my little ass will end up in the Atlantic Ocean" side-eye, Milly met the press the other day and let Boo Boo know that there's always someone younger, smaller and eye bulgier coming after your title. Milly is three inches tall and weighs just under 6 oz., which is slightly bigger than Bai Ling's nipple and twice the size of Jessica Simpson's brain when it swells while she tires to produce a thought. Milly's mouth is so tiny that she can't get it around her mother's nipple knob, so her caretaker Rivera Eizzil has to feed her with an eyedropper.

Guinness World Records told People that they can't officially weigh Milly in until she's at least a year old. So Milly has to go on the Posh diet for the next 9 months to stay looking like Nicole Richie as a newborn. But in the meantime, we can all awww (or hiss) at these pictures of Milly looking like an adorable hairy nutsack with Lisa Robin Kelly eyes.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

David Letterman (65)
Saoirse Ronan (18)
Brooklyn Decker (25)
Brendon Urie (25)
Brian McFadden (32)
Claire Danes (33)
Jennifer Morrison (33)
Marley Shelton (38)
Claudia Jordan (39)
Shannen Doherty (41)
Art Alexakis (50)
Magda Szubanski (51)
Vince Gill (55)
Andy Garcia (56)
Pat Travers (58)
David Cassidy (62)
Flavio Briatore (62)
Tom Clancy (65)
Ed O'Neill (66)
Herbie Hancock (72)

 
Evening Crumbs Top

Ryan Gosling needs less Urban Outfitters in his life - IDLYITW

Out of all the hos from a girl group, Prince Hot Ginge goes with a trick from The Saturdays? Couldn't he have gone with an Atomic Kitten or a Sugababe at least? - Lainey Gossip

Len Goodman now knows why the front row at DWTS smelled like desperation with vanilla undertones - The Superficial

RJ Berger likes peen - Towleroad

Spaz de la Huerta won't stop until you've seen ever inch of her labia - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Countdown to a Clint Eastwood and Dina Eastwood divorce, because nothing kills a marriage like a reality shit show - Celebitchy

It looks like Mimi squirted all over Evelyn Ocho Cinco's back - Hollywood Tuna

Miley Cyrus posing in front of the wooden fence she started chewing on three seconds after this picture was taken - Popoholic

This is why I break the zoom button on all my cameras - The Berry

Mr. Big got married - ICYDK

If that isn't a "Why the fuck did you name me Hawkins Crawford Romo" look, I don't know what is - Popsugar

EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAA - The Daily What Gossip

Today's butt show brought to you by Charlie Hunnam - (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Is Blahna Del Taco's upper lip trying to escape? - Moe Jackson

Charlize Theron looks hot, part 3,208,763 - I'm Not Obsessed

Posh's anime wolf brows are not the look - Cityrag

Stop me if you've heard this before, but Alec Baldwin is threatening to quit the bitch that is NBC again - SOW

How many paid pieces does it take to get Xtina out of a car? - Hollywood Rag

 
Open Post: Hosted By Crystal Renn's Clorox Brows Top

For reference, this is what the hair and brows of former plus-size turned alien model Crystal Renn looked like in February:

I'm completely conflicted about Crystal Renn taking her brows from ebony to the exact shade of my cousin's mustache after she tried to lighten that shit with Sally Hansen bleach. On one hand, I sort of like that Crystal looks like one of the Children of the Damned competing in RuPaul's Drag Race. On the other hand, every one of Crystal's pictures makes my scalp itch. That mess looks like pain. It takes me back to the time my stupid 11-year-old self tried to go blond by soaking my hair in bleach. Yes, laundry bleach. It didn't do anything to my hair, it irritated my scalp and I smelled like a cum shot for a week. Some things never change, I know.

Here's more of Crystal with Zac Posen and Coco Rocha at a children's charity gala in NYC last night.

 
Crazy Ass Courtney Love Accuses Dave Grohl Of Trying To Get With Frances Bean Top

When you mix Twitter, no shame and Xanax powder cut with roach poison, you get the mess of words that Courtney Love spewed onto the Internet last night. Courtney and Dave Grohl have been scrappin' ever since Kurt Cobain died and she's long accused him of stealing her money, and last night she accused him of trying to hump on 19-year-old Frances Bean. Just when you think Courtney can't possibly out-crazy herself, the crazy bitch does it and then some. Do they make straitjacket covers for laptops, because if they do, Courtney's laptop needs one.

Tweeting under the name @Cbabymichelle, Courtney told her followers that she heard from a driver who drove Frances Bean and Dave Grohl to his house that he was all over her in the back of the car. Courtney then goes on and on and on, and reading her Tweets is like watching a hamster on meth repeatedly vomit while running on the wheel. Courtney protected her account, but Gawker got screen shots of the crazy and put it all in order so your brain doesn't completely melt while trying to make sense of this foolery:

Reliable source? Bitch, I'd hardly call the visions you see after smoking an Adderall pill out of your old crack pipe a "reliable source." Court is not only saying that Dave Grohl committed a WRONG by hitting on Kurt's daughter, but she's also saying that Dave is sexually obsessed with Kurt? Like since Dave Grohl can't rub his wet nipples all over Kurt, he's going to rub them all over Kurt's daughter? I throw myself onto Court's crazy train every time it pulls into my station, but bitch is going too far now. Especially when she said that Dave Grohl rode Kurt's coattails, when this insane ho burned her heels off from riding Kurt's coattails waterski-style.

The best part is that the @davegrohl Courtney kept Tweeting is some Germany student. The second best part is that Courtney didn't even know she set herself up when she Tweeted: "him i am about to shoot, dead." That'll bring her Nirvana victim count to a grand total of two.

 
More Of Anne Hathaway As Catwoman Top

Warner Bros. just released this Hi-Res really long (it's seriously the 12-inch-long pencil peen of promo pictures) picture of Anne Hathaway in full Julie Newmar as Catwoman drag and survey says: MEH-ow! Maybe Anne will prove me wrong when The Dark Knight Gets An Erection comes out whenever it comes out, but so far all these pictures have been bleak. I don't see Catwoman at all. I see a sorority sister at a Halloween party throwing her best "get the Q-Tip" look in the kitchen doorway before going to suck on a beer bong. This is like a picture your old high school friend posts on her Facebook page and you try to come up with something nice to say but the only thing you can type out is: Bitch, you TRIED it.

 
Kim Kardashian Is Kanye West's "Beyonce" Top

In the wise words of New York from Flavor of Love: BEEEE-YON-SAAAAAAAAAAY?!!!!!!

Just like the rapture, the unholy K Hell union of Kim Kardashian and Kanye Kardashian née West was a long time coming and Gay Fish has been patiently waiting for his turn at her urinal cakes ass. An inside source (government name: Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that is on a Kuntrashian high and thinks that besides being the reigning emperor and empress of the Illuminati, he and Kim can also be the world's newest power couple. Kanye is telling friends that he's the Jay-Z to Kim's Beyonce. Will the Blue Fairy please make an appearance and turn Beyonce's Blue Ivy decoy doll into a real girl so she can slap the shit out for Kanye for thinking this? The source went on to say that Kanye has been chasing Kim for a while and he's hoping their relationship goes all the way:

"It's not a PR stunt. They're perfect for each other. He thinks she's his Beyonce! Now that Kim has gotten over the Kris drama . . . she sees how much Kanye loves her.

Kim and Kanye's relationship is so fake that if you turned it into liquid form and poured it into a syringe, Kim would inject it into her face without asking if it's FDA approved or not. There's really three hos involved in this completely staged relationship: Kim, Kanye and the one they love the most, ATTENTION! I swear, Pimp Mama Kris is an evil genius and will go down in history as Lucifer's greatest creation.

 
The Silver Fox Loses It Over Pussy Willows Top

My full body boner for Anderson Cooper has slowly gone halfway limp ever since I started watching his talk show (see: getting topless for Snooki) and so I haven't been making your eyes roll by foaming at the fingers over him in post after post, but I'm taking a break from my break from the Silver Fox to bring you this clip of his latest giggle meltdown. Since above everything Andy Coo is a serious SERIOUS journalist, he reported on Dyngus Day during his CNN show last night and ho could not keep it together (at the 1:40 mark). It's like somebody was tickling him in the dyngus with a pussy willow. QUICK, somebody tell a CNN intern to steal that chair, because I'm sure Andy left a little unicorn butt nectar on that seat from giggling so damn hard.

And in the great precious-off of April 2012, who wins? A Silver Fox giggling fit or a junkie kitty nom nom nom-ing on catnip?

The answer is: The Silver Fox giggling his silver-leafed ass lips off while watching the junkie kitty get its catnip fix.

(Thanks to Melissa and everybody else who sent this in)

 

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