Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


And Here Comes The Grand Marshals Of The Tournament Of Whores Parade Top

The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.

Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.

In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:

"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'

When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"

Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?

 
Good Morning, Let Brian McKnight Teach You Through Song How Your Coochie Works Top

Are you a lady who woke up this morning, looked down and thought to yourself, "Pussy, how does it work?" Well, don't worry about spending the rest of your day searching through your kitchen junk drawer for your pussy instruction manual, because singing gynecologist Brian McKnight (the "Knight" stands for white knight of non-working pussies) is using the power of song to teach you where to find the start button on that pussay. But just so we're clear, Brian McKnight is not talking about this kind of pussy:

The professor of pussyology started Trending on Twatter last night after he released a preview of a coochie carol that will be on his new adult mix-tape. It's the Brian McKnight song of Brian McKnight songs. Here's a little taste of the lyrics and a little warning, your pussy might start working as soon you read these beautiful words. So warn the bitches around you.

Let me show how your pussy works since you didn't bring it to me first/I have a lot of things to show you if you're ready to learn/Let me show you how your pussy works/Bet you didn't know that it can squirt

My pussy started working and I don't even have a pussy (contrary to popular belief)! Thank you, Brian McKnight for teaching me how pussies work. And now the half-broken jukebox in my head can stop playing "Itsjust my three second ruuuu-uuuuuuuule" on a loop and start playing "Let me show you how your pussay weeeeeeeeeeerqs."

via Rap-Up

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 23rd! Top

Mel Gibson decided that the only way to escape his bad image was to move back to Australia and blend in with the locals. - youarestupid

Runners-up:

They haven't quite perfected the face transplant surgery in Australia. - daisy100

You know the feeding tube diet trend is getting out of hand when wild animals start to join in. - lightlysweet

via WOW Report

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Thinking about the Rose Petal Place the other day dolls got me thinking about another treasure from the 80s: P.J. Sparkles! P.J. Sparkles was a refugee from the Toddlers & Tiaras orphanage who became a raver's dream come true thanks to the blinking lights all over her body. A P.J. Sparkles movie was made in the 90s and I remember watching a little bit of it, but I don't remember the plot that sounds like something straight out of an acid trip. Seriously, if you drop a pink Ecstasy pill right before watching a glow stick show, the plot of the P.J. Sparkles movie will play in your head. From Wiki:

The P.J. Sparkles doll came with an animated movie in which a young orphan girl named P.J. living in Mrs. Omally's Orphanage rides out one night on the orphanage's withered old horse Blaze. Every time P.J. makes a friend, they're adopted and P.J. finds herself alone again, so she goes out to wish on a star for someone to love her. P.J. soon finds herself in Twinkle Town, a small village full of nameless children who have also been wishing for a leader to love and guide them. Also, Blaze's appearance has changed and he can talk. P.J. takes on the last name Sparkles, gives the children of Twinkle Town names, and becomes their leader. However, the neighbors, The Cloak and his wife Betty are displeased with the color and bright light that P.J. has brought to the town, and try to sabotage her efforts.

Twinkle Town? Children who don't know their own damn names? Wishing for a leader to love and guide them? Where I come from, that's called a cult for ravers! They're all drinking the Kool-Aid and the Kool-Aid is spiked with acid. Where do I sign up?

And here's P.J. Sparkles in action:

"Oh, P.J. Sparkles, I love you too...until your damn blinking lights trigger my seizures!"

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Barbra Streisand (70)
Tyson Ritter (28)
Kelly Clarkson (30)
Austin Nichols (32)
Danny Gokey (32)
Eric Balfour (35)
Derek Luke (38)
Melinda Clarke (43)
Mark Vaderloo (44)
Patty Schemel (45)
Dijmon Hounsou (48)
Cedric the Entertainer (48)
Eric Bogosian (59)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (60)
Sue Grafton (72)
Shirley MacLaine (78)
Richard Donner (82)

 
The Time Simon van Kempen Jizzed On Himself While His Wife Was In Labor In Front Of Him Top

I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives' Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.

In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.

Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"

You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.

 
Evening Crumbs Top

I've seen a broken glass and kidney stone ring on Regretsy that looks better than the $10,000 piece of crap that Eddie Cibrian bought for LeAnn Rimes for their 1st wedding anniversary. A ring fit for a fug! - Celebitchy

Kunty Karl's human is out as Katy Perry's piece - Lainey Gossip

Gross, I hate it when babies talk back - The Superficial

Has Stacy Keiberl's forehead always looked like it was levitating away from her head or is the black magic of Photoshop to blame? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Oh, Peeta Bread, but saying "I'm going to troll for hot people sex with a hot people man at the people club" just doesn't have the same ring to it - Towleroad

Selena Gomez's fake ass smile is saying to that little girl, "So you're trying to steal my bitch too, huh?" - Hollywood Tuna

A William Levy gallery is incomplete without his museum-worthy banana hammock pictures - The Berry

Screw Hilary Duff, we should be talking about the stoned dog friend in the background - Popoholic

It was nice of Michelle Williams to wear the dress her daughter's class made during craft hour with old placemats - Go Fug Yourself

Club promoter = Mickey - ICYDK

Wheelchair Jimmy's Bigfoot landing strip brows have been passed on, so says Media Takeout - IDLYITW

Taken minutes before the sun's rays almost burned through Angie Jo's vampire skin - Popsugar

Sarah Larson did it first and better - The Daily What

Camo puss - Cityrag

The outfit Jada Pinkett Smith is wearing on the right makes her look like a skinny midget Cleo from Set It Off - Crunk + Disorderly

Some Hollywood reporter can claim something that hundreds other people can claim - Hollywood Rag

lol @ "most photographed people in the world" - Just Jared

I'm sensing a trend.... - I'm Not Obsessed

Get into Chace Crawford's leaky pits - SOW

What a regular night at Beyonce and Jay-Z's dining room looks like - Videogum

 
Open Post: Hosted By A Fapping Seal Top

You're going to try to tell me that this isn't Seal beating his club while watching a lady bust out Adele during an episode of Australia's The Voice, but you won't convince me. I don't care if you tell me Seal's just got a case of restless leg syndrome, I won't believe it. I don't care if you tell me that he's happily relieved after a stubborn fart bubble finally made its way out of his butt, I won't believe it. Seal is fapping and you can't tell me otherwise. Obviously, the new way for the judges on The Voice to show they're really into a contestant is by whipping it out and going at it right there. You know what to do, Adam Levine! Or should I say, you know who to do, Adam Levine. Yourself! In front of us! GO!

Source: Reddit via Gawker

 
This Is The Look: Emma Roberts At Coachella Top

Everybody who was at Coachella's second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton's charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone's skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here's Eric Roberts' daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens'ed out!

If you're thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her "tube top lost in a fight against a shredder" shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don't like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you're doing it wrong.

And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.

 
Simon Cowell Is A Non-Stop Sex Machine, So Says Alicia Douvall Top

Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.

"On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.

Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."

So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception."

But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.

 

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