Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Good News, OctoMom Is Open To Doing Fap Porn Top

Seen here making the "giving two handjobs to two men on stilts" pose, OctoMom has swore on her arch-less minus sign brows that she'd do almost anything for money, but one thing she will never do for a check is rub her c-section scar on another naked human being. Howard Stern called into the whatcomesafterz-lister chat line, Dial-A-Star, and paid the $14 a minute rate to have phone sex with Octo. Click here if you need to hear that today, but if you'd much rather assault your eyes than assault your ears with Octo's "toddler after taking its first hit of meth" voice, I've transcribed it below:

HS: How you doing, honey?

OM: (giggles)

HS: Why can't you just chill a little bit?

OM: IknowImsohighstrungIthinkpeoplekingofgetoffonthatbutthen..

HS: I bet you're a good kisser.

OM: EWWW! Idontknowitsgotcobwebsdownthererambleramble-

HS: I'm picturing my cock in your mouth to shut you up.

OM: I got icicles everywhere. Everywhere. Soyoudjustrambleramble-

HS: It doesn't matter. I'm trying to have phone sex with you.

OM: It doesn't matter iciclesrambleramble-

HS: Why don't you grab one of those diapers and shove it in your bleep hole-

OM: ramblerambleramblerambleramrambleramble

Then, Gina, the madam of the Dial-A-Star, told Howard that she's trying to convince Octo to accept pornier offers including tapping her exit only baby chute on camera. Howard asked Octo about doing solo porn and she said that she's thinking about it:

"I don't know yet. I'd have to really reflect on that. It depends on how much I'm offered.

The only thing I'll never do is give my body to another for money. That's one thing I'll never do…I don't want them to have any resentment 20 years from now."

Oh, Octo doesn't have to worry about her child army resenting her for doing porn. They're going to resent her either way. They can't even spell "resentment" and they already know they resent her crazy ass. You know who I resent? Howard Stern. I resent him for putting the image of a diaper dildo in my head. I also resent myself, because while typing that headline, I was a few keystrokes away from accidentally typing "pap smear porn" instead. Even I can't Google that last one... (Okay, I just did and why am I not surprised that Vanessa Hudgens came up as the second picture?)

 
Xtina Let Her Crotch Be Great On The Voice Last Night Top

In case you missed it and really want to have a one-on-one with Xtina's Spandex-wrapped crotch biscuits, here she is giving us vacuum sealed realness while yodeling like a hyena in heat with her team on The Voice last night. "Fighter" isn't only the song Snookitina hollered out with her team last night, it's also what her top kept calling itself over and over again while it tried hard to keep her chest domes from flying across the stage. Yes, the anti-pantless groups are raising their protest signs for this shit, but I'm all about this look since I'm usually all about hos looking like the host of a Brit Brit-themed night at a strip club/truck stop gas station at an unincorporated county in Alabama.

And I heard that Xtina was actually wearing her signature red lip paint before taking the stage, but her outfit was so damn tight that the red popped right off of her lips.

(For Bradiful Bitch)

 
Jennifer Aniston Doesn't Give A Shit About This After All Top

Hollywood Life, your source for all Barfgelina/Analstain fan fiction, said last week that Jennifer Aniston had nothing but smiles for the news that her ex-husband is now engaged to whore pit viper (© Joan Rivers) Angie Jolie and she would even RSVP a yes if she got an invite for the wedding. Well, now E! News is hearing from a source close to Jennifer that the Brangie engagement news has made her constipated and she has zero shits to give it. Jennifer cares more about planning the quinceanera of her eldest Cabbage Patch doll than she does about Brangie's stupid ass wedding. The source explained it like this:

"She doesn't care. She really doesn't. She's happy with Justin [Theroux]. She'll probably marry him. She's moved on. People don't want to believe it, but she has."

Now, this I believe. If Jennifer really wanted to experience a Brangelina wedding, she'd just make her own at home. Jen would make Justin Theroux wear a soft Brad Pitt mask she knitted with Brad's shed pubes. Then she'd put rubber lips on one of the garden lizards her dog caught, and call it Angie. Then as one her Precious Moments priest figurines presides over the ceremony, she'd bust in as Jennifer Aniston. Justin as Brad would drop garden lizard Angie, run to Jen and they'd re-consummate their true love in a bathtub full of ice cream soup. So yeah, Jen is over it (and yes, she's totally going to act out that scene on Brangie's real wedding day).

And about Angie's ring, which she wore while slithering around L.A. yesterday. People says it's 10 carats and cost around $1 million, but UsWeekly says it's 16 carats and cost around $500,000. Brad worked with jeweler Robert Procop for about a year on the ring and the diamond is supposedly conflict-free. The ring may be conflict-free, but it's not boring-free. Brad is a "design GENIUS" (- Brad Pitt) and RoboCop spent months looking for the perfect diamond, and this is the best they could come up with? RoboCop wasted his time. He could've just called QVC, because they have a ring just like that.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 16th! Top

They found tongue in a holey place. - bigj_65

Runners-up:

Hole Mates: have you found yours? - lyndsaybluth

You've heard of a Columbian Necktie?

This is a Tijuana Salad Tosser. - citizenstrange

15 seconds in, and viewers had already had enough of the Sinead O'Connor sex tape. - SANS FARDS

via Break.com

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Melati Suryodarmo, Indonesian performance artist and creator of lard-stained WTFs.

The Internet birthed out this butter dance by Melati two years ago and there's a chance your brain has already shut down while trying to process all 6 minutes, but let's watch it all over again, because who needs functioning brain cells, right? (I've been proving that you don't for the past 7 years!) Melati slips on a pair of patent leather fuckum heels and gracefully surfs on a board of butter on a Land O'Lake before having several BITCH GOES DOWN moments. This IS art. Art is always open to interpretation and I'm interpreting this as everything from Paula Deen's mating dance to Paula Deen's metabolism battling against the tons of heaven's cream she eats on a daily basis to the birth of Jessica Simpson's baby to Khloe Kardashian's idea of a Slip 'n Slide. Or maybe the butter represents what happens to our brains while we watch every second of this beautiful mess.

And yes, this is why the name "Melati Suryodarmo" is #1 on Norway's Most Wanted Criminal list.

(Thanks, Lahoma)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Liz Phair (45)
Rooney Mara (27)
Monet Mazur (36)
Posh Beckham (38)
Jennifer Garner (40)
Claire Sweeney (41)
Redman (42)
Kimberly Elise (45)
Henry Ian Cusick (45)
William Mapother (47)
Maynard James Keenan (48)
Lela Rochon (48)
Sean Bean (53)
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper (58)
Olivia Hussey (61)
Nick Hornby (61)
L. Scott Caldwell (62)

 
Al Gore's Mind Is Officially Blown Top

Without further comment, here's human roid and noted thinker Jose Canseco giving us his thoughts on how global warming could've saved us from "My Heart Will Go On."

via Buzzfeed

 
Evening Crumbs Top

Nicole Kidman's mannequin face on W Magazine is a mysterious tundra where you aren't sure if it sucked up all the Photoshop or all the Botox. - Popsugar

Could be worse. Could be FEZ. - Lainey Gossip

"Are you there, coke? It's me, Linday. Show yourself!" - The Superficial

Hillary Clinton parties in Colombia and I'm totally disappointed that she doesn't have a scrunchie around her wrist - Towleroad

Heidi Klum and others teach us how to get nekkid ass nekkid without showing shit - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Poke at me when there's a story about Prince Hot Ginge waving his gun around, if you know what I mean - Celebitchy

Nicolette Sheridan's face is looking as tight as her nalgas - Hollywood Tuna

Halle Berry is giving us leopard wearing a mourning veil realness - Popoholic

Are we sure Emma Watson's just not bird feeding her boyfriend some chewed up hot dog? - The Berry

Okay, Beyonce, you can retire those three blind mice glasses already - Crunk + Disorderly

Demi Moore's return to Twitter is real deep - ICYDK

Gay of Thrones - OMG Blog

Jason Segel wears his heart on his iPhone - Just Jared

High times at Coochella - Cityrag

Well, dude's lenses did look a little blood shot - Videogum

Khloe Kardashian has never looked hotter! - Hollywood Rag

I thought mares were afraid of mice? - I'm Not Obsessed

 
Introducing The Feeding Tube Diet Top

Just when I start to think that this society hasn't gone full crazy, I see this mess on Today this morning and I'm actually surprised I didn't read about it on GOOP first.

For just $1,500, Florida's own Dr. Oliver Di Pietro, who kind of looks like Bobby Moynihan as Newt Gingrich, will stick a feeding tube into your stomach through your nostril hole and count his money as you're slowly fed 800 calories a day for ten days. Dr. Oliver says that most patients drop up to 20 chunks of fat. And all you have to do is eat all your nutrients through your nose. Like a Lohan!

Dr. Oliver tells The New York Times that most of his patients are brides hoping to lose some weight to fit into their wedding dresses. Dr. Oliver says that the 800 calories is a mixture of fat, water and protein with zero carbs in it. The body loses the weight so fast, because it starts burning fat instead of sugar. Dr. Oliver's patients have to keep the feeding tube in for the full 10 days and they carry around their liquid food in a tote bag. Side effects include constipation, dizziness, bad breath and of course, exposing your insane fucked up craziness to your loved ones.

Hos who are crazy enough to go on the ICU diet don't need to worry about strangers knowing that they're basically starving their way to skinny. One bride said that people just assumed she was dying of a terminal illness. Wonderful. It's so much better for people to think you're sick than think that you're trying to lose weight. It's shit like this that has me asking: Why do we even live here anymore? Here being the planet.

And Dr. Oliver says that his K-E Diet is safe and effective, because thousands of people in Europe have done it. "Why do we always get blamed for jacked up shit like this?" - Europeans

 
Open Post: Co-Hosted By The Iguana Goddess And A Tomatopeen Top

My ass thanks porn iguana Courtney Stodden for introducing me to the tomatopeen (ass + tomatopeen = salsa) she bought at the grocery store (probably at Trader Ho's). But how can she push vegetarianism on us when she's completely covered in burnt cow leather? HYPOCRITE! Or as my friend from high school with a speech impediment says: HIPPO CLIT! Courtney doesn't deserve that tomatopeen.

(Thanks, SpottedDogRanch)

 

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