Friday, April 20, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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Tyrant Banks Has Basically Fired Everyone Top

America's Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model's ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks' sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show's executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:

To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America's Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy

Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.

Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.

Why doesn't TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America's Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what's even crazier is that I'll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc...).

 
Open Post: Hosted By The 3 Second Rule Top


Because one of my dog's teefs chose today to fuck with him, I had to take him to the doggy dentist to get it pulled out (that's what he gets for smoking meth) and so I'm getting a later start than usual. ("Bitch, don't blame it on the dog. We all know you're starting late, because you spent your 4/20 morning hot boxing in the bathroom to open the pores in your brain." - you) While I get my shit together, get into the gracefully beautiful Texas flower Lisa Gail using her natural un-autotuned "hound dog with a nasal infection getting circumcised with a rusty screwdriver" voice to school us on the 3 second rule. You'll want to use the 219 second rule while watching this glorious musical masterpiece.

Some people are calling Lisa Gail a Real Housewife from Rebecca Blackville, but this blossom sprouted form the garden of Linda Hogan does it so much better. Did Rebecca Black have back-up singers that sound like a deaf cat orgy? No. Did Rebecca Black's video provide you with several servings of denim camel toe? No. Did Rebecca Black decorate her eyes with a wide tip black marker? No. Did Rebecca Black have dancers that moved like they were trying hard to not break down into shameful tears over agreeing to do this shit? No. This has all of that and more!

And I even had to use the 3 second rule several times while watching this. I mean, Lisa Gail's beauty and talent is so potent that you can only take it 3 seconds at a time.

via Jezebel (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 19th! Top

Embarrassed by having to be driven .6 miles, Fishy auditions more earth friendly transportation. - Vern

Runners-up:

Come on Madonna, just pick one already.... - TFBuckFutter

Entire communities are now adopting Mayim Bialik's Attachment Parenting philosophy. - i_heart_jack

via Reuters (Thanks, G!)

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

In case you couldn't tell from your Facebook, Twitter and life feed filling up with green smoke, today is the annual tribute to the bong (or as every stoner calls it "a day")! To celebrate Stoner Thanksgiving, today's Hot Slut is every stoner's favorite Sesame Street Muppet, Oscar the Grouch. Oscar can't be bothered to give a fuck, will eye shank you if you don't bring him snacks, lives in a rent-free trash can (or as every New Yorker calls it "a studio apartment") is completely smokable (he kind of is) and I'm sure he farts buds.

Happy 4/20, everyone! Even if you don't mess with the good shit, you can still partake in the festivities by swallowing a 7-Eleven whole.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

George Takei (75)
Miranda Kerr (29)
Joey Lawrence (36)
Tina Cousins (38)
Carmen Electra (40)
Shemar Moore (42)
J. D. Roth (44)
Crispin Glover (48)
Andy Serkis (48)
Veronica Cartwright (63)
Jessica Lange (63)
Ryan O'Neal (71)

 
Pregnant Dude And His Wife Have Pressed Pause On Their Marriage Top

Pregnant Dude (government: Thomas Beatie) filmed an episode of The Doctors this morning (it airs in May) and he dropped two bombs. No, by that I don't mean two more babies dropped out of him and rolled across the stage. Surprisingly, that didn't' happen. Pregnant Dude said that he and his wife of 9 years and the mother of his two kids, Nancy Beatie, are taking a break from each other's genitals. Pregnant Dude also said that he has just finished his last gender reassignment surgery, which means that his peen is now a poon. Oh, and Nancy hasn't met his new peen yet. Pregnant Dude went on to say:

"Nancy hasn't seen the new me yet. Like all marriages, we have our ups and downs, and we're going through a rough patch right now. At the moment, we're separated."

Okay, Nancy must be the kind of ho who'd rather have a clit on her tongue than a peen head. Because I wouldn't put my marriage in the time out corner until after I saw that dick. Big dick is a game changer. The most surprising part is we didn't watch their marriage slowly fall into the gutter on a reality show. How are they not on TLC full time?! Oh TLC, I feel like I don't know you anymore.

 
Evening Crumbs Top

I now know why a Rock of Ages movie exists. It's so we can see Tommy Girl looking like Sheryl Crow as Kid Rock on the poster - Just Jared

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively want to play house in Connecticut. That sentence turned me white.- Lainey Gossip

Katy Perry is one arm drop away from showing us the part of her that begins with chi and ends with chi - Hollywood Tuna

Peeta Bread fights for the gays and gayelles - Towleroad

If Nana Lohan isn't already sleeping with her pocketbook in her arms, she better start, because Lindsay Lohan will start dipping into there any day now - Celebitchy

I like JLove a lot more when she's talking about her King Kong titties instead of begging Adam Levine to love her - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

We can get Chyna's fuck tape with the click of a mouse and yet an ASkars/Charlize Theron sex tape still hasn't entered the Internet universe. Sense: The world doesn't make any - The Superficial

Ryan Seacrest is totally loving this, but only because Julianne Hough's side boob reminds him of Simon Cowell's side boob - Popoholic

Kitson + Wonky = Me asking if these pictures were recycled from 2004? - ICYDK

Winnie Cooper is looking hot! - Go Fug Yourself

RDJ and some people we don't care about at The Avengers premiere in London - Popsugar

Bearded Hamm - The Berry

Kelly Rowland is not about to get banished to the basement again - Crunk + Disorderly

It's hard to focus on RDJ's plaid bulge when those shoes are making my eyes heave - SOW

My guess is The Lesbeaver - Cityrag

Alexandra Breckinridge and Evan Rachel Wood were made on the same assembly line - Hollywood Rag

It's not right that Kelly Preston is taking all the credit when we know that John Travolta's the one doing the breastfeeding - I'm Not Obsessed

 
Elisabetta Canalis Got Dumped By Steve-O Top

Elisabetta Canalis went from George Clooney's awards season escort to rubbing on Eggs from True Blood, and somehow she tumbled all the way down onto Steve-O's peen that is probably mangled from lighting firecrackers in his dick mouth. Elisabetta is now back on the prowl looking for the next semi-relevant piece to get her into the back page of Life & Style, because Steve-O has officially quit her ass for being a non-stop partying wreck. Some source tells Radar that Steve-O is one hundred percent sober and Elisabetta is basically a coke vacuum (so I've heard).

"Steve-O dumped Elisbetta over her partying. He is extremely serious about his sobriety and did not want to be dating anyone who could jeopardize that.

He still really cares about her but can't risk relapsing back into his old ways, so he had to cut her loose. He has hooked her up with some women that he knows to help her try and get back on a stable footing again, and she has been attending meetings.
Steve-O said he thinks she's committed to getting control of her life again and that he will help her do that, he wants her to control the partying for her own sake. But, in the meantime he needs to distance himself from her."

If I was Elisabetta, I'd be so mad at coke right now. Like I'd be yelling at coke. I wouldn't even be able to look at it. Not because she's allegedly addicted to it and would sell her left nipple to an underground black market nipple ring for an 8-ball. Nothing like that. But because it's the reason why she's been publicly humiliated by getting dumped......BY STEVE-O! Getting dumped by Steve-O is like the bottom of a barrel not letting you sit on it because you're not good enough for it. If that doesn't clean her up, I don't know what will. Who is she going to date now? Jesse Camp's weekend weed man? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

 
Open Post: Hosted By The She By Sheree Commercial Top

Since this is all the way from 2009, some of you saw it then and nominated it for a Clio every year after, but the first time I laid eyes on this masterpiece was after somebody sent it to me last night. The best way to celebrate Sheree getting pink-slipped from The Real Housewives of Atlanta is to honor the greatest thing she's ever done: this commercial for Shit by Sheree. Sheree is still paying for this on her credit card, but it's worth the 20% a month interest and then some. If you aren't American, don't worry, you can still appreciate this work of art since it is international. If the sight of the bedazzled Hanes Her Way t-shirts made on Sheree's garage floor don't take your breath away, the ending will. We finally know what it would look like if My Friend Flicka was in The Young and the Restless.

 
Homebody Lindsay Lohan Got Into Another Fight At A Club Top

Over a week ago, some trick accused mess of all messes Lindsay Lohan of getting violent with her at The Standard hotel's Smoke & Mirrors club. LiLo shat out a river of denial and said the trick got the wrong crackie, because she was at home watching TV like the homebody she is. I believed LiLo at the time, because Amanda Bynes was at Smoke & Mirrors that night and since she's the frontrunner to become America's Next Top Trainwreck, I figured it was a case of mistaken skank identity. But now there's this. LiLo went to Smoke & Mirrors last night and got into a verbal fight which ended with a girl throwing a drink at her. Oh, and Michael Lohan was there too.

TMZ says that before the club fight, LiLo called Michael Lohan to help her out after the car she was in hit another car in the hotel parking lot. LiLo says she wasn't driving, but that piece of trash is known for switching seats after accidents, so who knows. Michael Lohan showed up and did what Michael Lohan does. He kicked vaginas, climbed trees and threatened to kill everybody. You know, typical Michael Lohan stuff. Once Michael handed that situation, he took LiLo inside Smoke & Mirror, because a so-called recovering alcoholic taking another so-called recovering alcoholic into a club is a good idea and Lohans are known for following up on all good ideas.

A source says that even though Michael and LiLo stayed until last call, they didn't touch the sweet nectar. Just as they were starting to leave, a chick in a booth made fun of LiLo for being there with her dad. LiLo screamed "Shut the fuck up" at the chick and the chick responded by launching a cocktail at her. Surprisingly, Michael Lohan didn't respond by kicking every vagina in the room. Michael grabbed LiLo and the two left.

LiLo is such a freckled disaster that even if she did stay home, she'd still get in a drunken fight with a plastic ficus tree for looking at her sideways and trying to steal her man: a floor lamp from Pier 1. But now that I think about, I bet LiLo staged the whole thing and let the cocktail thrower snort an extra line in the bathroom if she agreed to throw the drink. If LiLo didn't get a drink thrown at her, she wouldn't be able to say, "No, I don't smell like my mom's piss because all those jumbo iced chamomile teas I drank were really pure whiskey. I smell like that because an evil bitch threw an entire bottle of Jack at innocent me. Everybody's out to get me! Are you going to drink that?"

Smart move, actually.

Okay, okay, just for today LiLo's title gets slightly upgraded from "mega dumb bitch" to "semi dumb bitch."

And here's a few pictures of LiLo hanging out with her brother in her backyard over the weekend. The photo agency tells me they were taken at Coachella, but that's impossible since LiLo never EVER leaves her house.

 

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