Sunday, April 15, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid


Hot Slut Of The Day! Top


Geronimo, the Double Dutching dog! If you still feel insecure about how much you sucked at Double Dutch in school, do not watch this video of Geronimo doing it better than you ever could. Just look at Geronimo's ass showing off. Save it for your audition for the remake of Jump In!, Geronimo! (I really hope they do a remake of Jump In! starring Geronimo.) Whatever. Geronimo might be king of the Double Dutch, but I'm sure he can't pull a Dutch Oven better than I can (he can).

via Tastefully Offensive

 
Birthday Sluts Top


Samantha Fox (46)
Emma Watson (22)
Eliza Doolittle (24)
Alice Braga (29)
Seth Rogen (30)
Susan Ward (36)
Jason Sehorn (41)
Dara Torres (45)
Linda Perry (47)
Emma Thompson (53)
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason (65)
Claudia Cardinale (74)
Roy Clark (79)

 
This Fug Ass Dress Will Haunt Us Forever Top

Just like Fishsticks Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Falcor Rimes and Brooklyn Decker before her, Rumer Willis covered her tater dimples and sprouts with the most overworn dress since the legendary Slut Dress. Now that this shelf paper-looking dress has gone from Nicole Kidman all the way down to never-was Rumer Willis, can we throw it back into the sea where it belongs? No, that would be too easy. It's going to terrorize us for many years to come. It'll go from Rumer's body to the clearance rack at Barney's to Off 5th and eventually it will find itself crumpled up at the bottom of a last call box at TJ Maxx. Then you'll see your co-worker try to rock this shit with Chinese Laundry heels and a clutch from Claire's at the office holiday party in about 4 years. The horror will never end.

Tater wore this mess to the premiere of Paul McCartney's video for My Valentine at the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood last night. Yes, we're having premiere parties for music videos now. If you need help getting lulled into a mid-afternoon coma, watch Paul's video which stars Natalie Portman and Lea DeLaria Johnny Depp. I'm guessing that watching Natalie Portman do sign language is only slightly less boring than watching paint dry on Natalie Portman.

And here's a few of the tricks and tramps who came out for that shit last night. In order: Tater Head, Pamela Anderson, Zooey Deschanel (who is still wearing toddler dresses from the 60s), Ginnifer Goodwin, Joan Jett, Miranda Kerr, Paul McCartney with his Nancy Shevell, Stella McCartney, Fishsticks (I am setting my closet on fire and reconsidering my life choices, because I wore the gay ho version of that outfit last night), the always acid trippy Linda Ramone, Gwen Stefani, Kristen Stewart, Reese Witherspoon and Jane Fonda.

 
Ryan O'Neal Has Prostate Cancer Top

Woe is Ryan O'Neal AGAIN and this time it's not his fault. Ryan has had leukemia, been arrested with his son for meth possession, has a fucked up relationship with all of his children and now he's battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Stage 4 cancer sounds like some beyond serious shit, but Ryan tells People that he's undergoing treatment right now and he's not going to take a ride on Farrah Fawcett's angel hair wings anytime soon. According to Ryan, he's going to fully recover.

"Recently I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. Although I was shocked and stunned by the news, I feel fortunate that it was detected early and according to my extraordinary team of doctors the prognosis is positive for a full recovery.

I am deeply grateful for the support of my friends and family during this time, and I urge everyone to get regular check-ups, as early detection is the best defense against this horrible disease that has afflicted so many."

Ryan also said that he has a book coming out May 1st.

Never mind that the phrases "early detection" and "stage 4 cancer" don't normally go together, this news come just days after Ryan shaded our earth God Oprah by blaming her for the failure of his reality show on her network. And now Ryan has cancer. Oprah, YOU WOULDN'T!?

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Magica De Spell, the stunningly gorgeous sorceress who regularly serves up duck a l'glamour as she tries to steal Scrooge McDuck's Number One Dime. Thanks to DuckTales and Darkwing Duck, Magica is and will always be a money-grubbing icon for our future gold diggers of the world. Magica devotes her entire life to getting her duck hands on McDuck's prized Dime, because it will make her the most powerful, shameless and richest gold digger since Heather Mills. But I don't even know why Magica bothers with that stupid Dime, because she has something Scrooge McDuck will never have: BEAUTY!

Over the years, hos have tried to emulate Magica's beauty. Examples: Edgier cholas have tried to replicate her purple black hair color and fine point Sharpie brows. Every time Angelica Huston sashays into her coif shop, she pulls out a picture of Magica and tells them to give her THAT and to get it right this time (they never do). Lana Del Rey fills her lips with pieces of duck cartilage hoping that they'll be as pouty as Magica's. And don't get me started on that trick Jessie J. Bitch has copy + pasted Magica's look from top to bottom. All, except for the cholas, can have a seat since there is only one Magica!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Sarah Michelle Gellar (35)
Abigail Breslin (16)
Nick Krause (20)
Win Butler (32)
Georgina Chapman (36)
Da Brat (38)
Adrien Brody (39)
Anthony Michael Hall (44)
Robert Carlyle (51)
Brad Garrett (52)
Lothaire Bluteau (55)
Julie Christie (71)
Loretta Lynn (77)

 
Yeah, Jennifer Aniston Is Totally Going To Brangelina's Wedding Top

It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:

"Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren't for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn't be surprised if she even went to their wedding."

If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.

 
Be Still My Ginger-Loving Heart Top

You'd think I'd be all into the WWE since they're in the business of serving up drama queen theatrics, staged cat fights, man nipple-to-man nipple action and Spandex-swathed crotches, but I'm not. So this is the time first that my retinas have been singed by the glorious ginger god from Ireland Sheamus! (My ho stroll nickname is Shame Ass. It's meant to be!)

The only thing I know about Sheamus is that he body slammed a trick at the WWE Smack Down in Dublin last night, has epic thighs that look like a whole chicken getting pulled out of a can, can make lighting by clapping his ass cheeks (I read this in the mythology section of Wiki), can keep a small village warm with the flaming hearth on his head and when he flutters his eyelashes it looks like two fireflies dancing in the night. I know that last part, because I made a flip book with these pictures. Yes, that's Sheamus' cue to head directly to the restraining order office.

And to answer your question, yes, I already Photoshopped my smiling face and gut on this picture.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Emma Watson's in a ho stroll uniform for Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring and she's completely nailed the look of vapid piece of trash turned thief turned E! reality star - The Superficial

I either need more sleep or more weed, because I'm staring at Amy Poehler's dress and all I'm seeing is tiny blue satin sperm fishes wearing boas - Lainey Gossip

The all-peen remake of Showgirls is looking more and more promising with each nipple flash - Towleroad

Full disclosure: I couldn't pick Brooklyn Decker out of a line-up of Sports Illustrated models, but I'm pretty sure that's not Brooklyn Decker's face on GQ - Hollywood Tuna

Um, waiter, there's a Cuddy in my salad - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Translation: Will & Jada's double bearding contract isn't expiring anytime soon - Celebitchy

Baby Luca is either silently communicating with his home planet or he's trying to look thrilled about Hilary Duff putting his face on Twitter again - The Berry

Wait, Nicole Scherzinger is still here? - Popoholic

B.I.C. must have broken the breath-holding record by now - ICYDK

Until now, I didn't know I needed a video of a Corgi getting vacuumed in my life - Videogum

It's not accidental that you can't spell flower without Fowler - Moe Jackson

Every time Mindy McCready welcomes a new child, a Child Protective Services agent welcomes a new file to their desk - The Daily What Gossip

The hell did Jesse Eisenberg do to his hair? - I'm Not Obsessed

How are not all 16 of these tattoos on Jessica Simpson's body? - Cityrag

Justin Theroux is Jennifer Aniston's protector. Even her favorite Beanie Baby barfed at that one - Popsugar

Jessica Biel
is looking more and more like the gay Cuban crackhead who always hit on my friend at the bar - Just Jared

Sarah Silverman abortioned her way back to skinny - SOW

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 13th! Top

(Thanks, Jessie)

 

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