The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- A Whole Lot Of One Direction Nipples
- Jennifer Love Hewitt's Latest Tip On How To Catch A Man
- How Pete Doherty Dealt With Amy Winehouse's Death
- Yes, Blossom Is Still Breastfeeding Her 3-Year-Old
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 9th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Amanda Bynes Doesn't Ever Drink The Sweet Nectar, So Says Her Dad
- Evening Crumbs
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
| A Whole Lot Of One Direction Nipples | Top |
Looking like a giant pot of salty twink soup, the reason why your teen daughter (straight or gay since at least one of them looks like a beautiful, beautiful lesbian) and gay teen son haven't stopped screaming their tonsils raw for months bared their nipples to the sun and all dipped into the Sydney Harbor this afternoon. My brain is a place where memories die, so it's impossible for me to memorize the name of every one of these One Direction dudes. Can we just call them Danny, Jordan, Donnie, Jonathan and Joey? Or is Posh, Scary, Ginger, Baby and Sporty easier? I know this is the part of the post where I'm supposed to say which one I'd hit, but the answer is none of them. I'm serious. I just can't slobber all over a piece who wasn't even born when my first pube sprouted up and who looks at me with question marks in his eyes when I start quoting Maid to Order! But you know who's not like me? Madge. I bet she's down in her dungeon, running her claws against these pictures and drawing a circle around the one she's going to order first. | |
| Jennifer Love Hewitt's Latest Tip On How To Catch A Man | Top |
File this under: Dear Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, this bitch is stealing your beauty secrets! There are at least half a dozen members of the Former Fiances of Jennifer Love Hewitt Support Group, so the real life Miss Prissy definitely knows how to catch a man (it's the "not scaring him away by telling him she wants to surgically connect their fingers together so they can hold hands FOREVER" part that continues to elude her ass). JLove has caught a man by putting a plate of buffalo wings under a net and by whining him into a date, but she tells UsWeekly that the easiest way to attract peens is with vanilla! "I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'" This bitch is going around smelling like step 2 in a cake recipe or like a candle in your nana's powder room. Sure, wearing Eau de McCormick's could get you a KFed in heat, but you could also turn to the side to find Kristie Alley nom nom nom-ing on your neck like she's trying to get to the creamy part. But you know, JLove wasn't lying when she said that vanilla has a serious effect on men. I mean, just look at that picture of JLove with her Client List co-star. After sniffing on JLove's cookie-smelling neck, you know he went home and fucked the crumbs out of a box of Nilla Wafers. | |
| How Pete Doherty Dealt With Amy Winehouse's Death | Top |
Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty opened up to NME (Side note: You're not alone if the words "Pete Doherty" and "opened up" in the same sentence makes your brain burp up the image of Goatse.) about how all he could do was shit, cry, yodel, shit and shit after his best friend and partner in fuckery Amy Winehouse died. Shit got so serious that Dreamy was close to needing a scuba kit to breathe under the rising scat stew that almost drowned him. Dreamy said: "When Amy died I was sat in a matchbox room in Camden Town, not able to leave, basically wallowing in my own filth. Literally knee-deep in shit. Literally not able to move. I couldn't speak, I couldn't see anyone, I couldn't pick up the guitar and when I did pick up the guitar it was woeful ballads about how Amy wouldn't be coming round tonight. It wasn't a very inspiring time." On a positive note, at least he got a bath, even if it was a scat bath. I swear, I need to scrub my brain with a Baby Wipe after that visual and I'm surprised this is the first time I've had that visual since rolling around on a bed of caca seems like a regular day for Dreamy. And yes, after all that, I still would, but sucking on his knee caps is out of the question! | |
| Yes, Blossom Is Still Breastfeeding Her 3-Year-Old | Top |
Mayim Bialik (correction: that's Dr. Blossom to us) has said a million times before that she and her husband aren't conventional, in society's terms, when it comes to raising their two sons, 6-year-old Miles and 3.5-year-old Fred. And now Dr. Blossom has put all her holistic parenting tips in a new book called The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way. In The Sling, Dr. Blossom writes about how she doesn't use diapers during potty training time, doesn't force her boys to sleep by themselves and isn't putting a date on when she's going to retire Fred's mouth from her nipple. Basically, Dr. Blossom is QUIRKY! While promoting the book, Dr. Blossom talked to Newsok.com (via Daily Mail) about the philosophies of the attachment parenting method and how she knows it's not for all families, but it works for hers. Here's a few pieces from Dr. Blossom's interview that I've pre-chewed for you so it goes down easier. CAUTION: EXTREME HIPPINESS AHEAD: On how they all sleep together as a family and how baby soap is devil smegma: What I've learned from this is that raising babies is hard, it requires a lot of thinking and it's really, really fucking weird. Dr. Blossom wrote a piece on her blog last September about how she tried to wean Fred off of her titty, but doing so made her realize that she'll just let him suckle on her nipple until he's done done. The last time I wrote about breastfeeding, La Leche League slapped me with a leaky nipple and squirted a whole lot of TRUTH into my eyes. They were right. I know nothing about breastfeeding. The closest I've come to breastfeeding is the time some trick was sucking on my nipple knob and made a sour puckery look like he just sucked up something gross. It was probably just a little old shower gel that was stuck up in there. I don't know. I also don't know if nursing a child with teeth makes your nipples look like chewed up pieces of pizza sausage (I'm sure there's nipple rejuvenation surgery for that). But I do know that Dr. Blossom seems to care about not raising a couple of douchebags and I can appreciate that. Although, I will side-eye that bitch if in 20 years she uploads a video of her squirting chichi leche into Fred's mouth after he takes a bite of his wedding cake. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 9th! | Top |
The not so subtle glory hole on wheels has started popping up at carnivals everywhere. - tiny monkey Runners-up: Sadly, three days after this photograph was taken, Todd was found covered with bruises, sharing a dumpster with week-old Chinese take-out. - burpfartsneeze Speak clearly when you ask Patti Stanger to fix you up with a guy. I asked for somebody with good manners, not 'banners. - OurMissC via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Sweet Brown, an Oklahoma City gem who was interviewed by the local news after a fire broke out in her apartment complex on Saturday afternoon. First of all, her name is Sweet Brown. Second of all, her name is Sweet Brown. Third of all, HER NAME IS SWEET BROWN. Fourth of all and most important of all, Sweet Brown brings up a good point that I've never thought about before: Who's really got time for bronchitis? (Thanks, Chris) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Haley Joel Osment (24) | |
| Amanda Bynes Doesn't Ever Drink The Sweet Nectar, So Says Her Dad | Top |
This mug shot of Amanda Bynes with her hair the color of first time butt sex discharge was taken after she was arrested for allegedly sideswiping a cop car while driving under the influence, but her daddy says this isn't so. Putting his certificate from White Oprah's Night School of Enabling to good use, Rick Bynes (let's call him, White Montel) tells People that Amanda couldn't have been drunk on the night she was arrested, because her tongue touching booze is as foreign to her as working is. Rick says that Amanda blew a zero on the Breathalyzer and claims that the cop brought her in because she was emotional. "Miss, your ass is under arrest for driving under the influence of your own emotions!" Rick explained it like this to People: "She was not drunk. I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn't have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn't drink. She was arrested because she was upset and very emotional. Rick Bynes is obviously standing by his daughter and I'm sure Amanda told him that reading an intense psalm at bible study class, where she was coming from that night, rocked her dizzy and caused her to clip a cop car. But I have a bag of exotic tanned coke (it's brown sugar) to sell him if he actually believes this shit. Ho was twisted up on something and she went back for more. TMZ says that less than 12 hours after she was released from the clink, Amanda went back to the bar at The Standard, the same place she boozed up at the night before. The Standard knew about her DUI arrest and denied her ass. They told that bitch to pivot and go, because they didn't want to be "associated with her in case she pulled a repeat performance." Why was Amanda trying to go to the same bar, anyway? Did she think she was going to waltz in and the bartenders would cheer for her triumphant return as the regulars toasted to her first DUI? That shit ain't Cheers, bitch! That right there is called hitting rock Lohan. Speaking of, Lindsay Lohan wasn't at The Standard on Thursday night, but Amanda Bynes was.... The plot thickens! | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
Jenna Jameson needs to flip off whoever is responsible for making her look like a melting Donatella Versace candle with caca stain brows - Hollywood Tuna How many college credits do I get for reading Ashley Judd's essay on why women shouldn't hate other women's faces? - Lainey Gossip But more importantly, Kate McKinnon does Tabatha better than Tabatha does - Towleroad Somebody's still butt hurt and I'm not talking about the anal warts he caught from Bombshell McGee - Celebitchy Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians just became even more unwatchable, believe it or not - The Superficial Miley Cyrus and the paparazzi should just fuck already and get it over with, because the sexual tension between them is getting annoying - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather A deer dressed as a bunny in the headlights - Popoholic I hope that Blue Ivy doll is waterproof - Popsugar Dodge Ram, my ass. You know JLo bought Casper Smart a Tonka - ICYDK "Get me those!" - Lindsay Lohan - The Berry This is also what it looks like when John Travolta lets out a slow, sporadic fart - Videogum Four words: HELL. TO. THA. NO. - The Daily What Gossip I'd rather see bikini pictures of Coach Beiste in Tijuana, but I guess I'll take Rachel Dingleberry in Cabo - Just Jared Gabrielle Union on being a home wrecker - Crunk + Disorderly It's all awww and games until in a few years that PUPPY is a dog whose got a craving for chicken blood! - OMG Blog The Hoff ain't got shit on these life savers - Cityrag That hot pink color really brings out the fake in JLove's skin - Hollywood Rag Aren't all chipmunks on gluten-free diets, anyway? - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
If they were on a singing competition show, you would call them a Male Vocal Group. We prefer the term Boy Band. The group's image determines their commercial success, and each member of the group is assigned a particular stereotype (such as The Bad Boy or The Baby or The Nice One) so that the band will have the widest possible appeal. There is a Boy Band consisting of beautiful young men that currently has young girls across the country screaming with admiration and desire. Their public image is wholesome. However, there's a lot going on behind the scenes that belies that image. For example, there's one member of the group whose moniker could be The Gay One. That's right. Your teen daughter may be swooning right now over someone who isn't even interested in her gender. Oh, and there's another member of the group who wouldn't be interested in your daughter. His moniker could be… The Other Gay One. Yes, that's right, two gay young men in one popular group. (Although one does have a beard to maintain that desirable image). And here's the most interesting part of all: the two boys are sleeping with each other. Don't tell your teen daughter. You don't want her up all night crying because her mean parent destroyed her illusion. Besides, you eventually got over The Osmonds/ Menudo/ The Backstreet Boys, didn't you? (Blind Gossip) The only thing keeping One Direction from reaching New Kids level of craziness is a "gallon of jizz pumped from stomach" rumor and it looks like we're getting one load closer to that. I'll say that this blind item is specifically talking about the one with hair like a beautiful 20s flapper girl and his best brofriend whose name I'm too lazy to Google. Oh fuckit, I'll just let this picture do the guessing for me. Which D-list actor shocked a roomful of strangers when he announced he had to have his hemorrhoids surgically removed? The 30-something star, who's more famous for his quickie marriage to a D-list TV actress and being the son of a Hollywood playboy, didn't get the reaction he was looking for because no one recognized him! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Ashley Hamilton, but was he married to somebody else besides Brenda Walsh, because I know a bitch isn't stamping her with the D-list label. These two costars from a hit network television are both closeted, but very much in love. They have not acted on their feelings, but spend all of their time together. Last week, one star told the other he was willing to risk everything to come out together as a couple. As a result of this confession, the other star has broken off the relationship and refuses to acknowledge or spend any more time with the man he is in love with. Both men are heartbroken. (BuzzFoto) Adam Levine and Blake Shelton, obviously. | |
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