The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Alaskan KFed Knocked Up Another Ho
- Kate Winslet Calls Leonardo DiCaprio A Fat Bitch, Sort Of
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 2nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Evening Crumbs
- Dumbass Shoots Mohawked Woman After Mistaking Her For A Bird
- Open Post: Hosted By Marky Mark
- "There's Not A Foal In There. We're Just Attention Whores."
- Panty Creamers Of The Day: Wayne Newton & Carrot Top At The ACMs
| The Alaskan KFed Knocked Up Another Ho | Top |
TMZ says that Levi Johnston is one baby (that we know of) closer to beating KFed, because he has successfully (or unsuccessfully, depending on who you ask) dropped his potent Wasilla seed into a dumb ass girl who is now forever tied to the finest douche Alaska has to offer. A source tells TMZ that Levi's piece of a year, 20-year-old school teacher Sunny Ogelsby, is only in her first trimester and before this story broke, Bristol didn't even know that her son Tripp is about to become a half-brother. Although, it might've been impossible for Levi to tell Bristol, because the source says that Sarah and Todd Palin are trying to keep him from having any kind of contact with Tripp. Levi recently called up Bristol and Sarah told a lie when she said her daughter was out of town with Tripp. I have so many questions. How is Sunny Ogelsby a 20-year-old school teacher and not a Kimmy Gibbler-like neighbor on an ABC Family sitcom? With a name like Sunny Ogelsby, she should be a sitcom sidekick with a catchphrase. How is Sunny Ogelsby a teacher at 20 years old? Did bitch skip a few grades, thus missing that Alaskan sex education class where they teach you to line your sugar walls with spermicide-covered rubber before letting that bareback slut Levi Johnston run up in you? If this wasn't planned, both of these bitches are stupid and would lose every round in Are You Smarter Than A Palin? If this was planned, then both of these bitches are still stupid, but Sunny is especially stupid, because you don't make a baby with Levi Johnston. You just don't. You put a rubber plug in his peen hole, stick the tip in a few times and quit it. What kind of school teacher doesn't know that?! The only good that can come from this is a truly messed up baby name. These two suck at making life choices, so I'm guessing they'll suck at naming their baby too. I'm thinking they'll go with Wrangler Cloudy Johnston. | |
| Kate Winslet Calls Leonardo DiCaprio A Fat Bitch, Sort Of | Top |
Since Leonardo DiCatchAHo is busy trolling Victoria's Secret casting calls for his next piece, Kate Winslet has to do promo stuff for Titanic 3D by herself and ho is on fire. Kate is that bitch (aka YOU) at her 15th high school reunion who has a glass of the sweet nectar permanently attached to her hand and farts at the mouth about how much she hated their class song and how everyone looks like shit with love handles. So when Kate brought her Don't Give A Fuck tour to Daybreak (via Daily Mail), she didn't hold back when joking about how much she and Leo have changed since she let go of his hand 15 years ago: "We do look very different, we're older. Leo's 37, I'm 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he's fatter now – I'm thinner. It's true though!" It's true that 1997 Leo looked like the kind of beautifully androgynous twink that Hilary Swank might play in a biopic and 2012 Leo looks like his eyes shrunk while his face grew. But I don't know what Kate is trying to say here. If Kate is trying to say she looks hotter now, then I need her to draw me wearing this and only this, because that is not true. 1997 Kate could totally beat 2012 Kate in a beauty pageant. But I'm only saying that because I've always had a thing for white cholas in chokers. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 2nd! | Top |
Octomom was too embarrassed to pick up her welfare check so she got some of her kids to pose as her. - daisy100 Runners-up: But I can't place the nose. - TFBuckFutter They can also do Gary Busey's teeth when putting their peens together. - Emeriesan Four-headed Jesus is finally born. Congratulations Jessica! - bigorexia via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Yesterday's Hot Slut had 2 extra legs and so I'm evening things out with a Hot Slut that has no legs. (If the jukebox in your head suddenly started playing the "I Have No Legs" song from KIDS, then your brain and my brain were cut from the same vodka-soaked, weed-stained brain cloth.) 24-year-old Italo Roman of Curitiba, Brazil lost his legs while playing on a train when he was 13, but he didn't let that stop him from making his professional skateboarding dreams come true. At this weekend's Tampa Pro 2012, Italo Roman (Fun Fact: This entire post is written in Italo Roman typeface) did what most hos with two legs can't do: he made it to the semi-finals. Don't worry about Italo's balls getting shoved up into his head every time he lands, because I'm pretty sure they're made of steel. I'm also sure that my newest dream couple is Italo Roman and Piyah Martell. via TNT Magazine | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jennie Garth (40) | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
Due to the Botoxalypse on Nicole Kidman's forehead, all the wrinkles in her face have fled and have since settled on her hand. And don't you feel like there should be a poison apple in that prune claw instead of a delicious cupcake? - Lainey Gossip This vapid, irrelevant, stupid piece of dumb whore trash can't be serious - Celebitchy Flashing an East Village punk is all in a day's work for Shalom Harlow - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather 80s surf pants are back and using Cheryl Cole's legs to terrorize us - Hollywood Tuna Is that chair inflatable or it just melting from coming into contact with ASkars' butt cheeks? - The Superficial No, Rachel Maddow will not tell you how many peens have passed through her pearly gates - Towleroad JLove is still selling that Client List crap - Popoholic The Kardashians should try braiding their mouths shut next - The Berry A dress wearing Lily Collins - ICYDK Can Katie Holmes leave dressing like a 5-year-old to her 5-year-old? - Popsugar RiRi got a new weave - The Daily What Gossip HILARIA: It's not only the name of Alec Baldwin's new fiancee, but it's also the best word to describe this entire situation - Just Jared Having seen Jason Biggs' ball sack on his wife's Twitter, I'm not exactly surprised to hear this - OMG Blog This is what happened when Big Gay Al wet farted on Nicki Minaj - Crunk + Disorderly The trailer for Nippy's last movie is here - I'm Not Obsessed Proof that Jack & Jill is, was and will always be the worst - SOW Snatching a man's catch - Hollywood Rag Carrie Underwears and a mic: a love story - Cityrag | |
| Dumbass Shoots Mohawked Woman After Mistaking Her For A Bird | Top |
Before you get into this news story directly from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Florida!" files, just assume that everyone involved was high on some kind of bad shit at the time. Everyone from the mohawked lady to the shooter to the cats were definitely messed up on something (mostly, the drug that is stupidity). 49-year-old Derrill Rockwell of Grand Junction, Colorado was on the lookout for a bitch bird with a red mohawk who had been terrorizing his cats. Derrill was out to git that flying debul and when he spotted the tip of a red mohawk on a hilltop about 90 feet away from his house, he pulled out his 22-caliber rifle and shot at it. Derrill was surprised that the next sound to hit his ears wasn't a single chirp followed by a thud. Derrill heard the sound of a human moan. When he went over to the hill to investigate, he found a 23-year-old woman with a head wound. THAT DUMB CRAZY SHOT HER ASS! Derrill mistook her red mohawk for the red mohawk on his arch rival. Police say that the woman was passed out in a drunken coma at the time she was shot. They also found a bag of meth nearby. The woman was not severely injured and she disappeared after her injuries were treated at the hospital. The dumbass shooter was charged with felony possession of a weapon by a prior offender. Derrill was banned from using a gun in 1995 after he was convicted of robbery. Derrill pleaded guilty to the felony possession of a weapon charge in court last week and was sentenced to five years probation. Meanwhile, guess who's still at large?
Dumb bitches with guns: 0 via Boing Boing | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Marky Mark | Top |
Here's mutha greeter, hamburger entrepreneur and one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark taking a break from shooting a Michael Bay movie (or does a Michael Bay movie shoot you? I'm confused.) in Florida to do a little pap watching on his hotel balcony. It's been much too long since I've been in awe of Marky's gloriously succulent rack. Marky's man tits truly get better with age. Don't you just want to throw some unbleached flour on Marky's pectoral dough mounds and knead them until they rise so high that their nipples are kissing his chin? I bet that when you order a bread basket in a restaurant in heaven, Marky shows up with his chichis sitting in a basket. No butter needed! I was going to make a joke about the anal beads around Marky's neck, but making that joke in the presence of his holy Catholic pecs would be sacrilegious. | |
| "There's Not A Foal In There. We're Just Attention Whores." | Top |
I am temporarily interrupting your eyes' ride of ecstasy on Wayne Newton's veal parmesan face to bring you these pictures of Eddie Squintbrian and Falcor Rimes starring in The Neverending Whoring at last night's Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas. Eddie and LeAnn were cheesing it up for the cameras like there's one spot left on InTouch Weekly's cover and it's printing day. In the span of just a few minutes, these two whores started a pregnancy rumor, burned retinas by kissing and then LeAnn flared her teeth like a buck-toothed pony doing Liz Lemon doing Julia Roberts' cackle. There are a million reasons to hate on Eddie and LeAnn (example: making you hate Equus for putting ideas into Eddie's head), but you can not deny their red carpet whore game. Although, LeAnn should've toned down that laugh a bit. The last time I saw a malnourished creature maniacally neigh like that, it was in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and it ended with the farmer sadly telling his young son that his "pal" has gone crazy and needs to go to "the farm" to get some "sleep." And wearing that dress is only okay if you're a back-up dancer at the club where Kate Capshaw performed in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. | |
| Panty Creamers Of The Day: Wayne Newton & Carrot Top At The ACMs | Top |
I was in the middle of putting together an Academy of Country Music Awards post when, like a ouija board whose sole job is to direct me to pleasures, my mouse moved my hand to the only pictures from the ACMs any of us need today. Who cares about bland, unflavored gelatin bitches like Taylor Squint and Carrie Underwears when the real loin-quiverers at last night's show were: Wayne Newton and Carrot Top! Your eyes are saying NO and your weak stomach is saying WHY?, but I know your nipples are saying YES! The supervisor of the ACM seat fillers couldn't even tell you why Fig Newton and Carrot Bottom were there last night and truthfully, I don't need to know. I'm just happy that we're all starting this week right with pictures of Wayne looking like his face is eating his eyes and Carrot looking like an over-inflated Jackie Stallone blow-up doll. First, I get Betty Draper in a fat suit and now I'm getting Wayne Newton looking like a Wayne Newton wax figure made from a Kim Jong-Il clay statue, leftover skin from Liza Minnelli's last face lift and the eyes from a taxidermied raccoon? The only way this week could be better is if Frito Lay announces the triumphant return of Ranch Fritos! | |
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