The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Chicken Cutlets Takes Florida!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 13th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- What In The Hipster Tiger Lily Hell?!
- Crazy Ass Courtney Says Sorry To Frances Bean On Twatter
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- This Fug Ass Dress Will Haunt Us Forever
- Ryan O'Neal Has Prostate Cancer
| Chicken Cutlets Takes Florida! | Top |
Monday has happened to all of us again and some of you are sitting in your cubicle prison looking for a reason to go on. Well, stop making a noose out of paper clips, because there is a reason to go on now that international supermodel and Hot Babe forever, Phoebe Price, is taking her signature pose game across state lines! Everybody on television keeps telling my ass that NYC is going to be hotter than a freckle on a ginger cat's pussy today and now I know why. The heat is rising from the piping hot poses Chicken Cutlets threw down in Miami yesterday afternoon. Looking like a photo shoot for Chickens Magazine: Swimsuit Edition, PP posed for the paps despite the fact that a flock of raver birds died on her ginger mane after crashing into the side of her head. Glamour doesn't stop for bird carcasses clinging to your weave. I checked CNN and they haven't yet reported on why Chicken Cutlets is in Florida, but I'm guessing she's there on a goodwill mission as the official Ambassador of the Ho Stroll. Oh Florida, you just keep finding new ways to keep your title as the fuckery capital of the world. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 13th! | Top |
Justin Theroux's friends break into Aniston's basement to better understand why he's still with her. Laughter ensues. - BernardProfitendieu Runners-up: Saul realized too late that offering to bring a piñata for Mel Gibson's birthday was a bad idea. - Juiciest Couture (Thanks, Jessie) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Rhino, the hamster who died of natural hamster causes at the age of 4, was buried in the backyard and then rose from the dead a day later. Do we pay homage to his second born day by drunkenly painting eggs before passing out face first onto a Honey Baked Ham or do we prepare for the hamster zombie awwwwpocalypse? The most shocking part of all of this is that this piece of highly important world news doesn't come from the prolific literary chronicle The Daily Mail! It comes from The Sun. (Note: If Rhino had cellulite or cankles, The Daily Mail would be all over this shit.) David Eyley of Oxfordshire tells The Sun that a day after he buried the family hamster Rhino in a two-foot deep grave, a neighbor called him to say that he saw that bitch alive and well. David didn't believe it at first, but Rhino's resurrection was confirmed when he caught that ho: "He's a plucky little soul and seems unaffected by being dead and buried. He had rigor mortis when I buried him, and now he's running about. We're stunned - but happy to have him back." David has renamed Rhino "Jesus" and I'm sure the Crystal Cathedral will put on a Glory of Hamster Easter pageant next April. The only hamster I had found ways to escape from her cage almost every night. I even put a stack of books on top of her cage door and she still found a way to get out. So yeah, I've always known that hamsters are like the Shawshank Redemption on speed. And something something Richard Gere. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (65) | |
| What In The Hipster Tiger Lily Hell?! | Top |
Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line.... That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies? The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness. Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S. | |
| Crazy Ass Courtney Says Sorry To Frances Bean On Twatter | Top |
Since Frances Bean's iPhone has a Crazy Ass Bitch Blocker App and redirects all calls from Courtney Love to the nearest lunatic asylum, Courtney has to use Twitter to throw a sowwy at her own "biological" (copyright: Frances Bean Cobain) daughter. Courtney started this mess last week when she brain queefed up the gross rumor that Dave Grohl took his obsession with Kurt Cobain to SUCIO levels by screwing on Frances Bean. Frances Bean calmly responded by saying that somebody really needs to strap straitjacket gloves on Courtney's hands and keep her away from Twitter. Well, Frances' calm smack down must have temporarily knocked the crazy out of Courtney, because she went on her other Twitter account yesterday to apologize:
Mark yesterday as the first day in modern history that the bat litter box called Courtney's head actually had a moment of clarity. I'd like to think that this will teach Courtney to never believe one of the voices in her head after she snorts a crushed homemade Adderall pill she made using a Lohan family recipe, but it won't. Stay tuned for more fuckery from this crazy bitch. via People | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Geronimo, the Double Dutching dog! If you still feel insecure about how much you sucked at Double Dutch in school, do not watch this video of Geronimo doing it better than you ever could. Just look at Geronimo's ass showing off. Save it for your audition for the remake of Jump In!, Geronimo! (I really hope they do a remake of Jump In! starring Geronimo.) Whatever. Geronimo might be king of the Double Dutch, but I'm sure he can't pull a Dutch Oven better than I can (he can). | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Samantha Fox (46) | |
| This Fug Ass Dress Will Haunt Us Forever | Top |
Just like Fishsticks Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Falcor Rimes and Brooklyn Decker before her, Rumer Willis covered her tater dimples and sprouts with the most overworn dress since the legendary Slut Dress. Now that this shelf paper-looking dress has gone from Nicole Kidman all the way down to never-was Rumer Willis, can we throw it back into the sea where it belongs? No, that would be too easy. It's going to terrorize us for many years to come. It'll go from Rumer's body to the clearance rack at Barney's to Off 5th and eventually it will find itself crumpled up at the bottom of a last call box at TJ Maxx. Then you'll see your co-worker try to rock this shit with Chinese Laundry heels and a clutch from Claire's at the office holiday party in about 4 years. The horror will never end. Tater wore this mess to the premiere of Paul McCartney's video for My Valentine at the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood last night. Yes, we're having premiere parties for music videos now. If you need help getting lulled into a mid-afternoon coma, watch Paul's video which stars Natalie Portman and And here's a few of the tricks and tramps who came out for that shit last night. In order: Tater Head, Pamela Anderson, Zooey Deschanel (who is still wearing toddler dresses from the 60s), Ginnifer Goodwin, Joan Jett, Miranda Kerr, Paul McCartney with his Nancy Shevell, Stella McCartney, Fishsticks (I am setting my closet on fire and reconsidering my life choices, because I wore the gay ho version of that outfit last night), the always acid trippy Linda Ramone, Gwen Stefani, Kristen Stewart, Reese Witherspoon and Jane Fonda. | |
| Ryan O'Neal Has Prostate Cancer | Top |
Woe is Ryan O'Neal AGAIN and this time it's not his fault. Ryan has had leukemia, been arrested with his son for meth possession, has a fucked up relationship with all of his children and now he's battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Stage 4 cancer sounds like some beyond serious shit, but Ryan tells People that he's undergoing treatment right now and he's not going to take a ride on Farrah Fawcett's angel hair wings anytime soon. According to Ryan, he's going to fully recover. "Recently I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. Although I was shocked and stunned by the news, I feel fortunate that it was detected early and according to my extraordinary team of doctors the prognosis is positive for a full recovery. Ryan also said that he has a book coming out May 1st. Never mind that the phrases "early detection" and "stage 4 cancer" don't normally go together, this news come just days after Ryan shaded our earth God Oprah by blaming her for the failure of his reality show on her network. And now Ryan has cancer. Oprah, YOU WOULDN'T!? | |
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