The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Scenes From The 1%: Beyonce's Tumblr Is Here
- Dear Adam Levine, This Could Be All Yours
- Mary J. Blige Is Sorry For This
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 4th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- SNL Might Be Wiig-Less Next Season
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Christian Bale & Wes Bentley
- Camille Grammer Will "Desecrate" A Ho
| Scenes From The 1%: Beyonce's Tumblr Is Here | Top |
| To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce's Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there's dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit. There's Beyonce on a yacht. There's Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby's front door. There's Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There's Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there's Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce's Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I'll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker. | |
| Dear Adam Levine, This Could Be All Yours | Top |
The empty space next to Adam Levine isn't even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she'd love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton's girl when she said this: "I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again ... I'm just saying. Look, we would be cute." I love how she casually says "just read." JLove, stop acting like we don't know you have "celebrity splits" in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34): By the way, in that clip I'm Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent. I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I'm sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria's Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn't allowed in a Victoria's Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don't care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you. | |
| Mary J. Blige Is Sorry For This | Top |
One thing that's not in the chicken wraps is Mary J. Blige's amusement. After some people lost their minds over Mary J. Blige rising up out of the damn floor into a Burger King booth to yodel about crispy chick-en, Burger King snatched the commercial down and blamed it all on licensing issues. Burger King said they were reworking the commercial and would release a new one soon. Wrap a crispy UH HUH in a tortilla and feed it to Burger King, because you know they're lying. Then yesterday, Mary J. Blige rose up out of the floor again to tell TMZ that she understands why her fans threw hateration and holleration at her and she wants them to know that she doesn't co-sign that three cheese fuckery: "I agreed to be a part of a fun and creative campaign that was supposed to feature a dream sequence. Unfortunately, that's not what was happening in that clip. Even if that commercial was a dream sequence, it would still be a nightmare. But you know, this wasn't some minstrel show shit to me and I didn't get the urge to shake Burger King the same way Nell Carter shook Joey Lawrence when he did blackface in front of her church. Who doesn't want to sing about crispy chicken?! The thing that offended me most is Mary's bangs looking like it was scalped off of Benji. Call PETA, not the NAACP! But I will accept Mary's apology, because I did curse her name yesterday when I found myself rising up from behind the kitchen counter to sing, "Cris-py chick-en! Fresh lettuce! Three chee-ses! Ranch dress-ing!" | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 4th! | Top |
Looks like Sir Elton's hard at work on his new single 'Candle in the Hind.' - thewhitemike Runners-up: Damn tape worms always choose the WRONG time to come out! - DailyNightly via Getty | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Guitar Pee Urinal - Billboard Brasil installed a working guitar and amp in a urinal at Sao Paolo's Bar Aurora so that drunks can become a regular P.P. King, Pissy Hendrix or Pee Townshend with their piss streams. (Kim Kardashian will start her own band in 3..2..) This is a genius invention for one reason alone. Sometimes when you're standing at a urinal in a crowded bathroom with a line waiting behind you, the pressure to deliver a piss performance while inpatient eyes are staring at you becomes too much to take. That pressure builds into a gas bubble that loads in your butt and becomes your worst enemy. So you're standing there, trying to push out from the front while holding in a fart bubble in the back. Hos are already screaming "PISS OUT, LOUISE!!!" at you with their eyes and now you have to worry about being known as the fart pee-er for the rest of the night. But the Guitar Pee Urinal solves that problem. Now you can piss out a loud guitar riff while letting out a butt riff without anybody hearing it. Put one of these in EVERY Mexican restaurant STAT! Speaking of butt riffs.... If Billboard installed a drum kit in a toilet and an auto-tune mic in a barf bin, you'd have everything you need for the perfect Ke$ha tribute band (or for the perfect Nickelback cover band)! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Paula Cole (44) | |
| SNL Might Be Wiig-Less Next Season | Top |
And Samberg-less. And Jason Sudeikis-less. UsWeekly is saying that Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis will all punch out their time cards at 30 Rock for the final time when the season ends. The source had this to say about Kristen, Andy and Jason quitting that bitch after this season: "Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis are all leaving after the end of the season. It will be a huge blow to the show. Without Andy's video shorts and Kristen saving every skit, they'll need help!" A rep for Kristen and Andy say that UsWeekly needs to get up in front of the class and tell everyone that they can no longer get candy from the candy jar as a reward, because they told a lie. (True story: My third grade teacher made me do that after I lied about taking candy from the candy jar. But in my defense, my mom's idea of candy was an apple slice, so my shit was hard up for candy!) Kristen and Andy say NO to this, but it wouldn't be a surprise if it turned out to be true. Kristen has to go and write the remake of Bridesmaids (with the way Hollywood works, we're due for one), Jason Sudeikis is busy starring in blind items about January Jones and Andy Samberg has to plan his big wedding with his true soulmate Justin Timberlake (that Jessica Biel shit is a front!). | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
| Looking at me like I'm a cupcake and he's STAINS - The Daily What But the only thing I want to know is whether or not Justin Timberlake is going to bring his denim suit of sophistication out of retirement for this special occasion? - Lainey Gossip This Jeremy Renner public choking story sounds like the opening scene of a really awkward S&M gay porn - Towleroad CoCo's 9th and 10th planet ass once again tests the will of fabric - Hollywood Tuna Rude asshole Dan Harmon is sorry for being a rude asshole - Celebitchy Reason #1 (the only reason) to see Spider-Man: Spidey Peen Prints in IMAX - The Superficial And this is why every fanboy's mouse is extra sticky today - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather MiserAlba holding coffee: #3 in a series of five hundred million - Popoholic This goes out to those of you who prefer your skinny twinks with an extra side of muscles - Just Jared Claire Danes is a sales slut - Popsugar This ass-to-ass is more terrifying than the ass-to-ass in Requiem for a Dream - ICYDK Xtina isn't wearing less makeup this week by choice. She's doing it because Nicki Minaj buy up all the makeup. All of it. - Crunk + Disorderly Does Google Translation have an English to Cheryl Cole's Accent option, because I can't read a Cheryl Cole interview unless my eyes cross while reading it in her native tongue - The Berry There's only one way to settle this: baked beans wrestling match! Billy Ray will referee and Noah Cyrus will provide the halftime entertainment - Videogum And these bitches seem really happy about it too - Cityrag The Barrymore bump watch begins - I'm Not Obsessed If you also had to sell your 500-year-old Bavarian castle to pay the IRS, you're making a sad with Nicolas Cage today - Hollywood Rag Kelly Clarkson does Brit Brit (not like that) - OMG Blog | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Christian Bale & Wes Bentley | Top |
Here's Christian Bale and Wes Bentley shooting scenes in Santa Monica at sunset yesterday for a new Terrence Malick movie, and since this is a Malick movie you won't see any of these moments in moving picture form. When Terrence Malick finishes editing this movie, you'll only see 45 minutes of an intense close-up of a foam bubble on a wave followed by another 45 minutes of sand trickling out of Christian's hand. You won't see Christian making the full "sittin' on da toilet and really excited about it" pose (alternately: the "anal oral handy special" pose). You won't see Christian and Wes having dylsexic-style butt sex. You also won't see Christian and Wes not knowing how to quit each other. Oh well, everyone involved is still going to win all the Oscars for this shit. That includes the seagull who felt the wrath of Christian's airborne punches after it crashed his scene. Just add seagulls to the list of things Christian is fucking done with, professionally. | |
| Camille Grammer Will "Desecrate" A Ho | Top |
| That tall serving of Greek Yogurt in a nest of luscious curls in the clip above is Dimitri Charalambopoulos, the boyfriend of silicone dragon flower and gold digging hero Camille Grammar. Dimitri Charalambopoulos (try saying that three times without casting a spell or warding off a demon) is currently in the middle of some Halle Berry-approved like custody drama with the girlfriend of his five year old son Marcus. Marcus' mom Lisa wants to take him to Colorado to live and Dimitri is against it, and so they all have to go to court to work this mess out. During a taped deposition, Lisa's lawyers played a voicemail that Camille left her. This goes out to those of you who you who missed seeing Camille's signature crazy come out during season 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Camille's rant starts at around the 1:50 mark in the clip above and it's below in reading form if your eyes can't take the sight of Dimitri finger curling his hair like a Southern ingenue. via Radar: "If you go to the press, I have lawyers that are beyond what you can imagine and they will pull stuff on you and you will be so mortified about your life and your family and what you have done. You don't want to do that to Marcus. I will desecrate you, believe me, and that I can do, so be careful what you say and what you do because my defamation attorneys are huge..they will hunt down and research every nook and cranny of your life." Lisa better raise the white flag and drop her weapons, because Camille doesn't mess around and she was a Club MTV dancer. Camille will do The Running Man all over Lisa's character, then she'll do the Cabbage Patch through every nook and cranny of Lisa's life, and just when Lisa thinks she can get away with some of her reputation still intact, Camille will drop The Sprinkler on her! No, I have no idea what I just typed out, but if it made you do the Electric Slide in your office chair, then I've done my job. I know, I know, Camille probably meant to say "decimate," but do you want her brain filled with useless information like the true definition of words or do you want it filled with the steps for some sweet sweet moves. Or maybe Camille didn't mean "decimate" at all. Maybe she meant "defecate." I mean, she does have IBS.... | |
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