The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Ryan O'Neal Has Prostate Cancer
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Yeah, Jennifer Aniston Is Totally Going To Brangelina's Wedding
- Be Still My Ginger-Loving Heart
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 13th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Charlize Theron's Birthday Message For Kristen Stewart
- Angie Is Wearing An Engagement Ring Now, So Says Some Jewelry Designer (UPDATE: Yeah, They're Engaged)
- Speaking Of Saving A Ho
| Ryan O'Neal Has Prostate Cancer | Top |
Woe is Ryan O'Neal AGAIN and this time it's not his fault. Ryan has had leukemia, been arrested with his son for meth possession, has a fucked up relationship with all of his children and now he's battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Stage 4 cancer sounds like some beyond serious shit, but Ryan tells People that he's undergoing treatment right now and he's not going to take a ride on Farrah Fawcett's angel hair wings anytime soon. According to Ryan, he's going to fully recover. "Recently I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. Although I was shocked and stunned by the news, I feel fortunate that it was detected early and according to my extraordinary team of doctors the prognosis is positive for a full recovery. Ryan also said that he has a book coming out May 1st. Never mind that the phrases "early detection" and "stage 4 cancer" don't normally go together, this news come just days after Ryan shaded our earth God Oprah by blaming her for the failure of his reality show on her network. And now Ryan has cancer. Oprah, YOU WOULDN'T!? | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Magica De Spell, the stunningly gorgeous sorceress who regularly serves up duck a l'glamour as she tries to steal Scrooge McDuck's Number One Dime. Thanks to DuckTales and Darkwing Duck, Magica is and will always be a money-grubbing icon for our future gold diggers of the world. Magica devotes her entire life to getting her duck hands on McDuck's prized Dime, because it will make her the most powerful, shameless and richest gold digger since Heather Mills. But I don't even know why Magica bothers with that stupid Dime, because she has something Scrooge McDuck will never have: BEAUTY! Over the years, hos have tried to emulate Magica's beauty. Examples: Edgier cholas have tried to replicate her purple black hair color and fine point Sharpie brows. Every time Angelica Huston sashays into her coif shop, she pulls out a picture of Magica and tells them to give her THAT and to get it right this time (they never do). Lana Del Rey fills her lips with pieces of duck cartilage hoping that they'll be as pouty as Magica's. And don't get me started on that trick Jessie J. Bitch has copy + pasted Magica's look from top to bottom. All, except for the cholas, can have a seat since there is only one Magica! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Sarah Michelle Gellar (35) | |
| Yeah, Jennifer Aniston Is Totally Going To Brangelina's Wedding | Top |
It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words: "Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren't for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn't be surprised if she even went to their wedding." If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is. | |
| Be Still My Ginger-Loving Heart | Top |
You'd think I'd be all into the WWE since they're in the business of serving up drama queen theatrics, staged cat fights, man nipple-to-man nipple action and Spandex-swathed crotches, but I'm not. So this is the time first that my retinas have been singed by the glorious ginger god from Ireland Sheamus! (My ho stroll nickname is Shame Ass. It's meant to be!) The only thing I know about Sheamus is that he body slammed a trick at the WWE Smack Down in Dublin last night, has epic thighs that look like a whole chicken getting pulled out of a can, can make lighting by clapping his ass cheeks (I read this in the mythology section of Wiki), can keep a small village warm with the flaming hearth on his head and when he flutters his eyelashes it looks like two fireflies dancing in the night. I know that last part, because I made a flip book with these pictures. Yes, that's Sheamus' cue to head directly to the restraining order office. And to answer your question, yes, I already Photoshopped my smiling face and gut on this picture. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Emma Watson's in a ho stroll uniform for Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring and she's completely nailed the look of vapid piece of trash turned thief turned E! reality star - The Superficial I either need more sleep or more weed, because I'm staring at Amy Poehler's dress and all I'm seeing is tiny blue satin sperm fishes wearing boas - Lainey Gossip The all-peen remake of Showgirls is looking more and more promising with each nipple flash - Towleroad Full disclosure: I couldn't pick Brooklyn Decker out of a line-up of Sports Illustrated models, but I'm pretty sure that's not Brooklyn Decker's face on GQ - Hollywood Tuna Um, waiter, there's a Cuddy in my salad - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Translation: Will & Jada's double bearding contract isn't expiring anytime soon - Celebitchy Baby Luca is either silently communicating with his home planet or he's trying to look thrilled about Hilary Duff putting his face on Twitter again - The Berry Wait, Nicole Scherzinger is still here? - Popoholic B.I.C. must have broken the breath-holding record by now - ICYDK Until now, I didn't know I needed a video of a Corgi getting vacuumed in my life - Videogum It's not accidental that you can't spell flower without Fowler - Moe Jackson Every time Mindy McCready welcomes a new child, a Child Protective Services agent welcomes a new file to their desk - The Daily What Gossip The hell did Jesse Eisenberg do to his hair? - I'm Not Obsessed How are not all 16 of these tattoos on Jessica Simpson's body? - Cityrag Justin Theroux is Jennifer Aniston's protector. Even her favorite Beanie Baby barfed at that one - Popsugar Sarah Silverman abortioned her way back to skinny - SOW | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 13th! | Top |
(Thanks, Jessie) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Charlize Theron's Birthday Message For Kristen Stewart | Top |
| Has it really come to this, marketing people for Snow White and the Huntsman? I hope that the Little Birdie (fun fact: the name of the VP of publicity at Universal Pictures is Little Birdie) who told Charlize Theron it was Kristen Stewart's birthday also had five blunts in its beak and promised to give them to her after she recorded this awkward mess of a greeting. I don't know if Charlize is paying homage to Kristen by trying to look as uncomfortable and awkward as possible, but she looks pretty fucking uncomfortable and awkward. But it's good to know that when Charlize feels uncomfortable she starts talking like Otto Mann from The Simpsons. I'm kind of turned on. Source: Lainey Gossip via Videogum | |
| Angie Is Wearing An Engagement Ring Now, So Says Some Jewelry Designer (UPDATE: Yeah, They're Engaged) | Top |
It's been exactly six long minutes since the last "Brangie's getting hitched" rumor, so THANK MADDOX that The Hollywood Reporter ended that dry spell by giving us a new one. Robert Procop, who worked with Angie Jolie on her The Style of Jolie (barf) jewelry line, says that she's wearing an engagement ring designed by him and Brad Pitt. Angie wore a huge ass diamond on her left vein claw while walking through LACMA's Chinese Galleries collection with Pax and an unidentified freeway underpass hobo, and Robert says that is the ring every Brangeloonie is going to try to recreate using foil from the mental hospital's kitchen pantry. Robert confirmed that it is an engagement ring and explained it like this: "Brad had a specific vision for this ring, which he realized over a yearlong collaboration. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect, so I was able to locate a diamond of the finest quality and cut it to an exact custom size and shape to suit Angelina's hand. Brad was always heavily involved, overseeing every aspect of the creative design evolution. The side diamonds are specially cut to encircle her finger. Each diamond is of the highest gem quality." Highest gem quality? That confirms Angie's ring is made from one of her own kidney stones. If this is actually true, then say goodbye to your loved ones, because it's only a matter of time before we all combust from the high-pitched screams of the Brangeloonies after Brad and Angie quit each other. They've already jinxed their holy union by agreeing to do another movie together and now they're really jinxing their asses by getting engaged. Stick a fork (the one that Angie isn't using to eat) in Brangelina. Those bitches are done. I mean, marriage is the number one cause of divorce. I swear that sounded a lot smarter in my head. UPDATE: Brad Pitt's rep just confirms to People that he was telling lies when he said the first time that they wouldn't get married until I can marry Anderson Cooper in every state. How can we ever trust Brad Pitt again?! "Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There's no date set at this time." And Jennifer Aniston will drug Justin Theroux and drag him to the nearest 24-hour chapel in 3..2.. | |
| Speaking Of Saving A Ho | Top |
| In case you missed last night's soon-to-be Emmy award winner for best writing in a comedy, here's Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson looking completely natural and not at all fake in the face when Ryan Seacrest announced that front-runner Jessica Sanchez got the lowest number of votes. TMZ reported a couple of hours before American Idol went live that Jessica was going to get chopped and the producers were working hard to get the judges to use the "save" on her. Please. More like they were scrambling to find an acting coach who could help the judges' completely choreographed reactions look somewhat natural. It worked! Steven Tyler gave his greatest performance since playing a Skeksis in Dark Crystal, JLo pretended she was one of us watching her movies and Randy Jackson went back to the time when Sizzler told him they were all out of cheese toast. It is impressive at how JLo finds a way to make a moment all about her. You can take the attention away from the attention whore, but she's going to find a way to get it back! When JLo snatched that mic away from Jessica and told that girl to have a seat, I expected male dancers to drop from above as she broke into a club remix version of the song Jessica was singing. You know JLo had a bedazzled leotard under her clothes and was just itching to rip that orange dress off to hump the spotlight. | |
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