The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For May 25th!
- Open Post: Hosted By A Skydiving Nightmare
- How Dare Aishwarya Rai Go Out In Public Looking Gorgeous
- Kylie Minogue Debuts The Latest Version Of The Slut Dress!
- Jenna Jameson Arrested For Riding A Pole
- Programming Note: J. Harvey's Back!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 24th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Lindsay Lohan's Finally Got Her Dick
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For May 25th! | Top |
via Break | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Skydiving Nightmare | Top |
| It's a good thing that I was planning on having an almost all-liquid booze diet this weekend, because I just ground up all of my teeth while watching this Almost Faces of Death shit! 80-year-old Laverne decided to cross "tandem skydive" off her bucket list and went to the Parachute Center in Northern California to do so. In this souvenir video, the daredevil memaw has her best free fallen' wig on and looks excited about falling to the earth. But when they're up in the plane and about to jump, Laverne decides she doesn't want to fly like a bird and tries to hit the stop button on that shit. The tandem master pushes her anyway and as they fall, her harness comes loose and she hangs up in the air like something out of a retirement home's terrifying version of Cirque du Soleil. It's times like this that I wish I wore a butt plug, because my stomach fell out of my ass again. After the heart attack-inducing experience, Laverne and her tandem master made it on the ground safely and I wouldn't be surprised if the first words off of her tongue were, "Fuck all of this." ABC News asked the Parachute Center about the video and they said it's a year old, but didn't have anymore details. Yes, that video is a horrifying horror show, but as I watched it I became more and more impressed with Laverne's wig-wearing game. I don't think her wig shifted once mid-flight. Beyonce needs ole' girl on her team! via The Chive | |
| How Dare Aishwarya Rai Go Out In Public Looking Gorgeous | Top |
Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai has been described as the most gorgeous woman in the world by people who obviously have never felt their retinas curl from the sheer shock of Shauna Sand's natural beauty. But when a picture of a fuller Aishwarya Rai, taken six months after she gave birth, made the rounds, some dim-brained shit bags told her to get out of the kitchen and get back on the treadmill! According to them, it's her job as a Bollywood star to be skinny at all times...like Posh! Yeah, those bitches completely lost me when they compared Aishwarya Rai, a human being, to Posh, an alien amphibian who loses her 4 pounds of baby weight by shedding her skin on the plastic surgeon's table while nurses from NASA suck tiny particles of fat from her gills with Dyson wet vacs. That seems unfair, but that's probably just me. At AmfAR's Cinema Against AIDS gala in Cannes last night, Aishwarya Rai made her first red carpet appearance since dumb fucks called her fat and ugly, and guess what? She still looked hot. To me, Aishwarya Rai would still be gorgeous even if she had 50 extra pounds on her body and those 50 extra pounds were from wearing a floor length coat made of hideous glove shoes, boots made from Kardashian taint hair, three extra chins covered with UGGs fur, a CROCs top hat and a beaver backpack with Chris Brown's face on it. I know, I went too far with whole "Chris Brown backpack" thing. | |
| Kylie Minogue Debuts The Latest Version Of The Slut Dress! | Top |
Gay bug zapper Kylie Min...wait. I was going to make a joke about how Kylie Minogue draws the homos in with her vivacious pop tracks and tiny beauty like a backyard bug zapper but then I realized that "gay bug zapper" sounds like she cures AIDS. Also, she doesn't kill gays after she draws them in. That we know of. Bad analogy. Kylie Minogue's got a new track, a new pair of coochie cutters, and A NEW VERSION OF THE SLUT DRESS! Her stylist got out the exacto and sliced up a spandex tube dress from 1989, transforming it into an easy-access garment full of regality! Anja Rubik and Isabella Recke are all over this shit for their next red carpet affair. This video for "Timebomb" is full of charisma, uniqueness (not really), nerve and talent (questionable)! Follow Kylie as she knocks over people's shit and refuses to Rupaulogize for it; steals bitches' camera phones and just throws them away; and visits several sex clubs (booty tooting against a wall and offering the cameraman anal in one). She gets so much done in a day. I also noted Ms. Minogue knows her hanky code. Let's see - red in the back right pocket. Total Muppet. Loves it up to the elbow. Video below: | |
| Jenna Jameson Arrested For Riding A Pole | Top |
It wouldn't be Memorial Day weekend without dumb bitches getting into their stars n' stripes drankin' thongs, guzzling down a 12-pack of Natty Light, and driving their slutmobiles into telephones poles. God bless America, hunty. Porn czarina Jenna Jameson got pinched for DUI last night. TMZ sez her drunk and whorey car made out with a cold and withholding telephone pole around 1:30 AM. Jenna must have failed to say her ABCs backwards so she was handcuffed on suspicion of DUI. Much like Jenna's, her car's vagine is always hungry for something long, tall and stiff. It's a "misdemeanor suspicion of DUI" so she's probably already been released into the wild. In her defense, I'm guessing the ABCs aren't in her repertoire anyways. She probably wasn't even drunk! Her eyes are sinking into the middle of her face so it's not like she can see the road at night times! Do we really think Jenna can't handle her hooch? Seriously, though, call a fucking cab. Or get on the bus. We've all experienced the joys of public transportation whilst inebriated. You make so many new friends. They're fine with you making a vom puddle. They can just step over it and wish you well. It's awesome times to be back with you sexy fucks. Whenever Michael K.'s slut ass asks me, I feel a burst in my heart. It's probably the deep-fried Yodels. | |
| Programming Note: J. Harvey's Back! | Top |
Since J. Harvey is a certified drunk mess, I felt it was only fitting to announce his triumphant return with these pictures of Our Patron Saint of Patron, Kate Moss, trying to figure out how "this walking thing" works while leaving a Mexican restaurant in London with her husband Count Von Count last night. But before I get into Drunk Ass Kate being Drunk Ass Kate.... One of the more reliable voices in my head tells me that the sanctity of marriage will receive a flaming breath of life this weekend when the most gorgeous ginger lesbian on every planet Rojo Caliente marries Cynthia Nixon. So because of this, I'm going to spend my entire Memorial Day Weekend throwing confetti made of double pleated Dockers in the streets to celebrate the greatest ROYAL GINGER LESBIAN WEDDING OF OUR TIME! No, I won't be doing that, but I did hear that a Rojo Caliente wedding might be upon us soon, so gird your souls! My mom is in town, so my sister and I will be spending our Memorial Day Weekend fighting with each other in various restaurants around the city. While I do that, J. Harvey will be spreading the foolery on Dlisted starting today through Monday. I'll still be posting sporadically (file that under: smart words I learned while watching Clueless) throughout the weekend, so you haven't completely gotten rid of me. I'll be back full-time on Tuesday where we'll continue to investigate the mysteries of dick cheese, etc... And now, here's Kate Moss threatening all of us with a good time by leaving her fly open while leaving that Mexican restaurant. I don't know if that peep show sign is just a decoration to make that place look edgy or if there's a porn store next door, but I sort of like the idea of a Mexican restaurant/sex store. Yes, it would smell like a donkey show star's fart, but I've smelled worse in the subway during August. I mean, when you're jacking off in a sex store, don't you really wish that you had a bowl of refried beans in your other hand? Hold the queso blanco. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 24th! | Top |
Even though they were halfway through the season, John Travolta told his team that somehow their new uniforms were STILL not ready! - Whamo Runners-up: The guys soon learned that playing Strip Rugby against the girls wasn't such a great idea after all. - by Aunt B via FunPic | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| When I was 5 or 6, my mom bought my sister and me these stupid blinking flashlights from the Ice Capades, and since it was the 80s we were mesmerized at how the lights blinked off and on by themselves. We played with those dumb things all night like a couple of ravers. We weren't even rolling on ecstasy! Sad, I know. The annoying sounds of brats giggling like crackheads during the night quickly tugged at my mom's nerves and so she confiscated those flashlights and put them at the top of this bookcase/desk unit thing in our bedroom. She didn't realize then that most children are crazy, dumb as all hell and fuck deficient. The next day, my sister and I pulled the desk drawers open and started to climb up Mt. Bookcase. If Cliffhanger came out in the 80s, that's the movie we would've played. (Remember when you "played" movies.) I would've been Janine Turner, of course, and she would've been that homely blond ho. About halfway up, the bookcase started to wobble forward and that's when we guessed the only light show we'd see that day is the one that would lead us to the afterworld after we fell to our deaths. The bookcase fell on top of us and we both hit the floor. It actually wasn't that much of a fall. It was maybe 4 feet, but we were kids. We were dramatic. The bookshelf trapped both of us, but I managed to squeeze out, grab my flashlight and go to my abuelita's room to play with it. My sister was still trapped under the bookcase, but I'm assuming she eventually got out, because I just saw her last week. What I'm getting at is that if we had a smart Klee Kai puppy like Caos, that shit would've never happened to us. Because Caos would've taught us how to properly climb drawers to get what you want. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Cillian Murphy (36) | |
| Lindsay Lohan's Finally Got Her Dick | Top |
After an international casting search (a couple of days of auditions in a casting trailer on a lot somewhere in Culver City) that stretched several continents (the casting agents ordered Chinese for lunch one day, so that counts, right?) and saw dozens of A-list actors (A as in anydudewhoagreestoworkwiththatmess), Lindsay Lohan's finally got her Dick. Deadline Hollywood says that Kiwi actor Grant Bowler has been cast as Richard Burton and will start filming Lifetime's soon-to-be-mess Liz & Dick in only 10 days. The press release about Grant's casting from executive producer Larry A. Thompson is a hilarious and ridiculous string of words and I swear I could practically taste the bad shit particles floating off of each letter, because he was definitely high on some shit when he dictated this to his administrative assistant:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope the entire script is like that, because that is shit wrapped in gold double wrapped in shit again. "He flew her so close to the sun...." Is that how they're going to explain why the skin of LiLo's Liz looks like Panda Express orange chicken that was left under a heat lamp too long. Damn, this is going to be good. Grant was in Ugly Betty (as Wilhelmina's piece), True Blood (as Cooter), GCB, Atlas Shrugged and he he hosts Australia's Amazing Race. And soon he'll be known as the grown man who is running nekkid ass nekkid down the 405 while pulling his hair out, because trying to work with that freckled mess put the crazies in him. Oh, and Grant better hold a spray bottle full of self tan remover at all times, because White Oprah is so going to try wrap her legs around his head and bitch is allergic to that shit. | |
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