The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Elmo Is Off The Hook
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 13th!
- Janeane Garofalo Was Married For 20 Years And Didn't Know It
- Open Post: Hosted By Kittens Watching Tennis
- We Should Expect Nothing Less From A Trained Teen Crisis Hotline Counselor
- Joaquin Phoenix Doesn't Hate The Oscars
- The Look: Elle Fanning's Prada Sandals On Roids
- Why Hello There, Kristen Stewart's Ass Cheeks
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Josh Duhamel (40) | |
| Elmo Is Off The Hook | Top |
The 23-year-old dude who said that he had illegal sex with Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, when he was only 16 has taken everything back and is like, "Just kidding!" Just a day after TMZ said that Kevin Clash temporarily moved out of Sesame Street and is taking a leave of absence to deal with this foolery, the accuser's lawyer issued a statement to The Los Angeles Times and wants everybody to wipe away the images of Elmo laughing something extra while getting tickled by underaged boys.
Kevin said from the beginning that he wet humped on his accuser, but his accuser was legal at the time and it was completely consensual. Kevin released his own statement and said that he's glad it's all over. No word on when he will get to stick his hand up Elmo again. Before you start thinking that the accuser got a little visit from the Sesame Street Mafia (Snuffleupagus, Count Von Count, Rosita and Telly Monster), TMZ is hearing that he might've been paid off. TMZ's sources (aka those Elmo-hating hillbilly Muppets at Fraggle Rock) say that the accuser's lawyer and Kevin's lawyer met today to talk about money. Apparently, Kevin Clash put a 6-figure settlement on the table. Isn't it funny how you magically get your memory back after sniffing a bunch of cash stuffed into a Big Bird suitcase? The scent of cash really is truth perfume (or lie perfume, depending on the situation). And I bet Oscar the Grouch is happy. Elmo's gay sex scandal has taken the attention away from the dick hole he's got in the back of his trash can. Yeah, so that's why Big Bird is always standing behind Oscar's trash can. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Keira Knightley tells Allure: "I don't mind exposing my tits because they're so small -- people really aren't that interested" Speak for yourself, KK! Justin Bieber's eventual spread in Playboy is going to be a best seller! - UsWeekly Teen Wolf's dad has sweet moves - Lainey Gossip Madge visits Far Rockaway, wears a Teresa Giudice hat while doing so - Towleroad Loaded Magazine is still trying to make the Nicky Hilton of the Ecclestone Sisters happen - Drunken Stepfather That is one fancy censor bar over Teresa Palmer's titties - Hollywood Tuna I judge every single model who wants to get it on with Justin Bieber and this is coming from an admirer of gold diggers - The Superficial James Franco is an award-winning blogger now, because of course he is - Celebitchy Terry Richardson took time away from sniffing up Lady GaGa's ass to shoot a commercial with Candice Swanepoel - IDLYITW Selena Gomez's dress looks like something a slutty Catholic mother would wear to her kid's first communion - Popoholic Ke$ha has no eyebrows and I'm guessing it's because she smoked her brow hairs one night - The Berry The Silver Fox on gaydar - OMG Blog Award-winning blogger James Franco shows up to a Gucci store opening in Brazil. Surprisingly, he didn't get an award for it - Just Jared Selena Gomez hates Miley Cyrus. Kids. - ICYDK Oh, Nicole Kidman, that wasn't a bubble you were in. That was the locked cell Tommy Girl kept you in so he could go to the Scientology bath house late at night without you finding out - Popsugar Or maybe Jon Hamm is just in the middle of letting out one of those slow farts - Celebslam In case you were hoping to overdose on duckface today... - SOW Ke$hit's new fur collection is going to be made entirely of pubes, right? - Hollywood Rag The Louisiana trailer park flower looks as exquisite and refined as always - Cityrag Haven't we all done this? - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 13th! | Top |
| Janeane Garofalo Was Married For 20 Years And Didn't Know It | Top |
Anybody who was born after 1994 is probably like, "Who's Janeane Garofalo?" and that's the same question her husband of 20 years asked recently. We all have a secret husband we forgot we were married to and Janeane Garofalo found out about hers last week. During a reunion for "The Ben Stiller Show" at The New York Comedy Festival on Saturday, Janeane told the audience that she was married to one of the show's writers for 20 years and didn't know it.
After they accidentally got married and broke up, Rob went on to produce The Big Bang Theory, so you know what that means? GET THAT MONEY, JANEANE! But seriously, we now know the secret to a long-lasting, successful marriage. Get married, move into separate houses in separate cities, live separate lives, never see each other, fuck other people, forget each other's faces, forget each other's names and after 20 years of doing that you can finally say that you've had a fulfilling marriage. That's how you do it. Janeane broke the code! via Page Six | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Kittens Watching Tennis | Top |
| This is why there needs to be a kitten section in the Wimbledon stands. This video of kittens getting hypnotized by flying balls has already went viral and has over 150,000 views. If your dream is to go viral, smoke some human catnip (aka weed) and film a video called: Stoner Watching Kittens Watching Tennis. Make sure you sit in a furry fruit bowl while doing so. via sfist | |
| We Should Expect Nothing Less From A Trained Teen Crisis Hotline Counselor | Top |
Remember that one episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where that smug, know-it-all hater Andrea Zuckerman doubted Brenda Walsh's intentions when she said she was sick of shopping all the time and wanted to do something meaningful like volunteer at the teen crisis hotline? Andrea, who was like a teen crisis hotline leader or something, trained Brenda, but thought she was in it for the wrong reasons. Then Andrea had to eat it hard when Brenda came to the rescue of a rape victim and got the girl's rapist arrested. Well, Andrea better put her dentures in, because she's going to have to eat it again. Brenda Walsh has rescued another! TMZ says that on Sunday night, one of Shannen Doherty's fans threatened to end it all if she didn't call them. (Fact: The fan wasn't me, believe it or not.) It all started when a fan started sending Shannen several tweets including one where she said she was going to shoot herself dead if Brenda Walsh didn't call her. Using the skills she learned at the teen crisis hotline center, Shannen found out that the girl lives in New Jersey and was able to get her home address. Shannen immediately called the Westampton Police Department and reported the suicide threat. The police paid a visit to the 27-year-old woman's house. The woman and her family both told police that she's not suicidal. After talking to her family, the police determined she wasn't going to hurt herself. In short: BRENDA WALSH SAVES LIVES!!!! What can't Brenda Walsh do? ("Well for one thing, the bitch can't keep a man." - that home wrecking slut Kelly Taylor) The government should do what's right and give Shannen Doherty the highest medal of courage. Shannen can put the medal on her mantel and it will look beautiful next to her Dean's List certificate from Education Connection. | |
| Joaquin Phoenix Doesn't Hate The Oscars | Top |
Joaquin Phoenix will probably get an Oscar nomination for playing a crazy, wild cult member (Note: He's basically playing Jenna Elfman.) in The Master and he said in Interview Magazine last month that he could give a shit about wrapping his hand around a gold-plated dildo man trophy. Joaquin said the Oscars are utter bullshit and he doesn't want to be a part of it at all. Just when I was starting to hope that the Academy would tell Joaquin to eat shit and give an Oscar to a Phoenix who really deserves it (example: A lifetime achievement Oscar to Rain Phoenix for her work in Maid to Order and To Die For), he's trying to make nice. The studio and Joaquin's publicist have dropped him on a tricycle and told him to back pedal, bitch, back pedal! The Sydney Morning Herald asked Joaquin if he thinks his hate for the Oscars will cost him a nomination and he said this:
Then he was asked if he thinks he's getting a nomination.
Douche, please. Joaquin wants us all to think he's like "whatever" about an Oscar nomination, but you know that when nobody's looking he practices his acceptance speech in the mirror while holding a trophy he bought from eBay. When he's not doing that, he's on the phone with Nate Silver, begging to know his chances. He probably sounds like a strung out crackie when he's on the phone with Nate Silver. "Is it a hard 80.987% or a soft 80.987%? I NEED TO KNOW! I will suck yo dick if it helps. Please!" Joaquin is wasting his time, though. He will get an Oscar nomination, but he won't win. See, the major twist in Les Miserable is that Fantine not only cuts off her hair, but she gets a female-to-male sex change too. Anne Hathaway will get Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress and Best Supporting Actress. She's going to win all the Oscars on Oscar night, so Joaquin can stay under his bridge. | |
| The Look: Elle Fanning's Prada Sandals On Roids | Top |
Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen - Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she's already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can't give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don't know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don't have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they'd fire her ass for talking back. These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don't know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It's kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there's no way you're getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one. Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I'm sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That's not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime. | |
| Why Hello There, Kristen Stewart's Ass Cheeks | Top |
That picture might look familiar to you, because it's exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to "Holly Jolly Christmas." For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says "DON'T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION" like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, "Ah smoked it!" Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn't go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz's face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you. | |
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