The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- As Jon Hamm And His Hammcock console each other....
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 13th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Elmo Is Off The Hook
- Night Crumbs
- Janeane Garofalo Was Married For 20 Years And Didn't Know It
- Open Post: Hosted By Kittens Watching Tennis
- We Should Expect Nothing Less From A Trained Teen Crisis Hotline Counselor
- Joaquin Phoenix Doesn't Hate The Oscars
| As Jon Hamm And His Hammcock console each other.... | Top |
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People's way of telling us that all the other white men died. The big difference between last week's contest and this week's contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn't even let us vote, really. They didn't even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever's publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! ("Um, so is the title of President, Michael" - my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log) To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he's a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he's everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he's the kind of caveman who'd wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs' anal glands in the tub:
The only way I'd completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words "The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal" and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 13th! | Top |
In a show of solidarity, Wonder Woman runs in Lance Armstrong's new race, "Tour de Ol' Farts." Unfortunately, she was disqualified when she didn't let Lance win. - Half.Mexican.Wonder Runners-up: Marvel's newest superhero: I Wonder if it's a Woman - Anita Bidet Dr. Oz really goes the extra mile to prove he is in touch with women. - Norealis | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Gustavo Almodovar, a former news reporter in Orlando, FL and verbal hypnotist. If you're pronouncing Gustavo's last name like "All-mo-di-var," then slap your tongue and come correct, because that's now how you pronounce it. Once you press play on Gustavo's sign-off supercut, there's no going back and you'll learn how Gustavo pronounces his last name and it will never leave your head. I watched this at Jezebel yesterday and it's still embedded in my brain. You know those penny press machines that press a picture into a penny? YouTube is the penny press machine, that video is the picture and my brain is the penny. (That last part was generous, because my thoughts are barely worth a damn cent.) When he says "Gustavo" he uses his job interview voice and then he suddenly becomes Swedish or German right before he says "Ah-Meh-Doe-Var!" It's like he's greeting me in another language. It's hypnotizing and it's with me forever. Just be prepared, because for the rest of the day I might sign off all my posts with: Gu-Stah-Vo Ah-Meh-Doe-Var! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Josh Duhamel (40) | |
| Elmo Is Off The Hook | Top |
The 23-year-old dude who said that he had illegal sex with Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, when he was only 16 has taken everything back and is like, "Just kidding!" Just a day after TMZ said that Kevin Clash temporarily moved out of Sesame Street and is taking a leave of absence to deal with this foolery, the accuser's lawyer issued a statement to The Los Angeles Times and wants everybody to wipe away the images of Elmo laughing something extra while getting tickled by underaged boys.
Kevin said from the beginning that he wet humped on his accuser, but his accuser was legal at the time and it was completely consensual. Kevin released his own statement and said that he's glad it's all over. No word on when he will get to stick his hand up Elmo again. Before you start thinking that the accuser got a little visit from the Sesame Street Mafia (Snuffleupagus, Count Von Count, Rosita and Telly Monster), TMZ is hearing that he might've been paid off. TMZ's sources (aka those Elmo-hating hillbilly Muppets at Fraggle Rock) say that the accuser's lawyer and Kevin's lawyer met today to talk about money. Apparently, Kevin Clash put a 6-figure settlement on the table. Isn't it funny how you magically get your memory back after sniffing a bunch of cash stuffed into a Big Bird suitcase? The scent of cash really is truth perfume (or lie perfume, depending on the situation). And I bet Oscar the Grouch is happy. Elmo's gay sex scandal has taken the attention away from the dick hole he's got in the back of his trash can. Yeah, so that's why Big Bird is always standing behind Oscar's trash can. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Keira Knightley tells Allure: "I don't mind exposing my tits because they're so small -- people really aren't that interested" Speak for yourself, KK! Justin Bieber's eventual spread in Playboy is going to be a best seller! - UsWeekly Teen Wolf's dad has sweet moves - Lainey Gossip Madge visits Far Rockaway, wears a Teresa Giudice hat while doing so - Towleroad Loaded Magazine is still trying to make the Nicky Hilton of the Ecclestone Sisters happen - Drunken Stepfather That is one fancy censor bar over Teresa Palmer's titties - Hollywood Tuna I judge every single model who wants to get it on with Justin Bieber and this is coming from an admirer of gold diggers - The Superficial James Franco is an award-winning blogger now, because of course he is - Celebitchy Terry Richardson took time away from sniffing up Lady GaGa's ass to shoot a commercial with Candice Swanepoel - IDLYITW Selena Gomez's dress looks like something a slutty Catholic mother would wear to her kid's first communion - Popoholic Ke$ha has no eyebrows and I'm guessing it's because she smoked her brow hairs one night - The Berry The Silver Fox on gaydar - OMG Blog Award-winning blogger James Franco shows up to a Gucci store opening in Brazil. Surprisingly, he didn't get an award for it - Just Jared Selena Gomez hates Miley Cyrus. Kids. - ICYDK Oh, Nicole Kidman, that wasn't a bubble you were in. That was the locked cell Tommy Girl kept you in so he could go to the Scientology bath house late at night without you finding out - Popsugar Or maybe Jon Hamm is just in the middle of letting out one of those slow farts - Celebslam In case you were hoping to overdose on duckface today... - SOW Ke$hit's new fur collection is going to be made entirely of pubes, right? - Hollywood Rag The Louisiana trailer park flower looks as exquisite and refined as always - Cityrag Haven't we all done this? - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Janeane Garofalo Was Married For 20 Years And Didn't Know It | Top |
Anybody who was born after 1994 is probably like, "Who's Janeane Garofalo?" and that's the same question her husband of 20 years asked recently. We all have a secret husband we forgot we were married to and Janeane Garofalo found out about hers last week. During a reunion for "The Ben Stiller Show" at The New York Comedy Festival on Saturday, Janeane told the audience that she was married to one of the show's writers for 20 years and didn't know it.
After they accidentally got married and broke up, Rob went on to produce The Big Bang Theory, so you know what that means? GET THAT MONEY, JANEANE! But seriously, we now know the secret to a long-lasting, successful marriage. Get married, move into separate houses in separate cities, live separate lives, never see each other, fuck other people, forget each other's faces, forget each other's names and after 20 years of doing that you can finally say that you've had a fulfilling marriage. That's how you do it. Janeane broke the code! via Page Six | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Kittens Watching Tennis | Top |
| This is why there needs to be a kitten section in the Wimbledon stands. This video of kittens getting hypnotized by flying balls has already went viral and has over 150,000 views. If your dream is to go viral, smoke some human catnip (aka weed) and film a video called: Stoner Watching Kittens Watching Tennis. Make sure you sit in a furry fruit bowl while doing so. via sfist | |
| We Should Expect Nothing Less From A Trained Teen Crisis Hotline Counselor | Top |
Remember that one episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where that smug, know-it-all hater Andrea Zuckerman doubted Brenda Walsh's intentions when she said she was sick of shopping all the time and wanted to do something meaningful like volunteer at the teen crisis hotline? Andrea, who was like a teen crisis hotline leader or something, trained Brenda, but thought she was in it for the wrong reasons. Then Andrea had to eat it hard when Brenda came to the rescue of a rape victim and got the girl's rapist arrested. Well, Andrea better put her dentures in, because she's going to have to eat it again. Brenda Walsh has rescued another! TMZ says that on Sunday night, one of Shannen Doherty's fans threatened to end it all if she didn't call them. (Fact: The fan wasn't me, believe it or not.) It all started when a fan started sending Shannen several tweets including one where she said she was going to shoot herself dead if Brenda Walsh didn't call her. Using the skills she learned at the teen crisis hotline center, Shannen found out that the girl lives in New Jersey and was able to get her home address. Shannen immediately called the Westampton Police Department and reported the suicide threat. The police paid a visit to the 27-year-old woman's house. The woman and her family both told police that she's not suicidal. After talking to her family, the police determined she wasn't going to hurt herself. In short: BRENDA WALSH SAVES LIVES!!!! What can't Brenda Walsh do? ("Well for one thing, the bitch can't keep a man." - that home wrecking slut Kelly Taylor) The government should do what's right and give Shannen Doherty the highest medal of courage. Shannen can put the medal on her mantel and it will look beautiful next to her Dean's List certificate from Education Connection. | |
| Joaquin Phoenix Doesn't Hate The Oscars | Top |
Joaquin Phoenix will probably get an Oscar nomination for playing a crazy, wild cult member (Note: He's basically playing Jenna Elfman.) in The Master and he said in Interview Magazine last month that he could give a shit about wrapping his hand around a gold-plated dildo man trophy. Joaquin said the Oscars are utter bullshit and he doesn't want to be a part of it at all. Just when I was starting to hope that the Academy would tell Joaquin to eat shit and give an Oscar to a Phoenix who really deserves it (example: A lifetime achievement Oscar to Rain Phoenix for her work in Maid to Order and To Die For), he's trying to make nice. The studio and Joaquin's publicist have dropped him on a tricycle and told him to back pedal, bitch, back pedal! The Sydney Morning Herald asked Joaquin if he thinks his hate for the Oscars will cost him a nomination and he said this:
Then he was asked if he thinks he's getting a nomination.
Douche, please. Joaquin wants us all to think he's like "whatever" about an Oscar nomination, but you know that when nobody's looking he practices his acceptance speech in the mirror while holding a trophy he bought from eBay. When he's not doing that, he's on the phone with Nate Silver, begging to know his chances. He probably sounds like a strung out crackie when he's on the phone with Nate Silver. "Is it a hard 80.987% or a soft 80.987%? I NEED TO KNOW! I will suck yo dick if it helps. Please!" Joaquin is wasting his time, though. He will get an Oscar nomination, but he won't win. See, the major twist in Les Miserable is that Fantine not only cuts off her hair, but she gets a female-to-male sex change too. Anne Hathaway will get Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress and Best Supporting Actress. She's going to win all the Oscars on Oscar night, so Joaquin can stay under his bridge. | |
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