The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 26th!
- Bruce Willis Is Spawning Again....
- Open Post: Hosted By Kim Zolciak As The Svedka Girl
- Lindsay Lohan Will Be Every Kind Of Naked In Playboy
- Two Very Good Reasons For Hating The Superman Make-Up Artist
- Courtney Stodden's Metamorphoses From Normal Girl To Iguana Goddess
- Amy Winehouse Boozed Her Way To Death
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- The CAPTION THIS Video Contest WINNER For October 25th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 26th! | Top |
via St. Pete Times (Thanks Katherine) | |
| Bruce Willis Is Spawning Again.... | Top |
As Emma Heming's chocha cringes at the thought of spitting out an anvil baby whose triple wide chin will put its strength to the test, Bruce Willis is congratulating his 56-year-old wrinkly jizz sack for still having it. Bruce's rep confirms to People that his tater head gene is twinkling inside of a fetus in Emma's womb. Let's hope American Horror Story is real life and Emma is knocked up with rubber suit man's baby.... The actor and wife Emma, a designer and model, are expecting their first child together early next year, his rep confirms to PEOPLE. This will be Bruce's fourth kid (5th if you count Ashton). And cut to Demi Moore lying inside of a wooden box, patiently waiting for Bruce's latest tater baby to be born so it can use its chin to hammer the last nail into her will to live coffin. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Kim Zolciak As The Svedka Girl | Top |
Note to Kim Zolciak and others cut from the same famewhore cloth: I fully understand that you want the best picture of you as a Tronssexual which is why you're okay with suffocating your crotch and scalp at the same time. But I'd wish you'd put the same kind of effort toward cleaning your kitchen counter. The Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives ruin the composition of this potentially exquisite work of museum quality art. Actually, next time just tell the pap to photograph the Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives instead. Thank you. | |
| Lindsay Lohan Will Be Every Kind Of Naked In Playboy | Top |
Anybody who can't handle a raw bone-in chicken without thinking that it needs more freckles, smegma stains, coke clots and extra skin has already smeared their retinas on Lindsay Lohan's "check for cash" (copyright: Wildwood, N.J.) in paparazzi pictures. But you're about to get an encore performance, because TMZ is hearing that LiLo bares her titties, twat and ass in the spread that Playboy paid her almost $1 million for. A source claims that one rumor going around that LiLo only went semi-nude is completely untrue, because the shoot just wrapped up yesterday and as the cameras were clicking she spread her legs and answered the question: "I wonder what it would look like if the Slim Jim Man rolled around in a cave full of rancid roast beef slices while wearing a bodysuit made of scabs?" Lindsay Lohan has legal bills to pay and A CHECK IS A CHECK, so I say release the beast and get your money, bitch. Hundreds of tricks do this on a daily basis and do they collect a stack of bills for it? No. LiLo is boosting the economy with her chocha and containing all the flies in one place at the same time. And to quote White Oprah: "Baby, you should pose for a $1 million spread in Playboy Magazine the same way you came into this world: naked and crying!" | |
| Two Very Good Reasons For Hating The Superman Make-Up Artist | Top |
Here's Henry Cavill on the Vancouver set of Superman: Man of Steel and here's the two reasons why that make-up artist is Supergirl to my Saleeeeeeena: 1. THIS BITCH gets to write on her 2011 tax returns that one of her full-time jobs for this year was to spray WD-40 on Henry Cavill's nipples and smear grease all over furry pectacles until he looked like one of the rock hard pieces of blackened lung that Keith Richards hacks up after serving his 1 millionth cigarette for the day. You really haven't successfully achieved professional greatness until human resources calls you into the office to say: "We need you to stop licking your lips and winking as you apply liquid dirt to Mr. Cavill's upper buttocks area. It's inappropriate. Also, we're going to need to confiscate your locker of all the body hairs you sneakily stole off of Mr. Cavill's chest." 2. When the light hits her hair against the green screen, it looks like a fall of sparkling ginger is gracefully trickling off of her head. I mean, ginge (I think) and a full-time job as Henry Cavill's body greaser? What an obnoxious way of flaunting that you were Mother Fucking Theresa in your past life. | |
| Courtney Stodden's Metamorphoses From Normal Girl To Iguana Goddess | Top |
Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files. This thickens the plot since Courtney's pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon's scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she's probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I'm not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn't have plastic tits, she's got stomach tits! I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she'll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It's all the make-up and shit. The glamorous power of Wet 'N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that. | |
| Amy Winehouse Boozed Her Way To Death | Top |
Mitch Winehouse said a while ago that the Coroner informed the family that his daughter Amy Winehouse did not have heroin, cocaine, meth or anything else found in Lindsay Lohan's first-aid kit in her system at the time of her death. Mitch put on his crime solvin' hat and said that he believes his daughter got a piggyback ride from the Grim Reaper to the heavens, because she started drinking alcohol after a long break from the bottle. Mitch can give himself the saddest pat on the back ever, because he's right. The coroner held a hearing this morning in London and explained that Amy had "416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood." 350mg of booze is considered lethal and 80mg is the legal limit for driving in the UK. The coroner was told by Amy's family and doctors that she had quit drinking for two weeks straight and she started up again just a few days before her death. There were three empty bottles found in her bedroom. The coroner went on to say, "She had consumed sufficient alcohol at 416mg per decilitre (of blood) and the unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels was her sudden and unexpected death." The coroner declared Amy Winehouse's cause of death as "death by misadventure." "Death by misadventure" sounds like equal parts sad and strangely whimsical. Like the last title of a The Rescuers movie. I'm probably going to breathe my last breath into my Prince Hot Ginge blow-up doll while surrounded by my cat's children, but I still hope "death by misadventure" is written on my death certificate. RIP Amy. You lived by misadventure and died by misadventure. UPDATE: I must have 350mg of booze in my system, because Mitch Winehouse actually said before that he believes Amy died of alcohol withdrawal. Mitch never said that he believes she died of drinking the sweet nectar after a break. So take back that sad pat, Mitch. via Metro | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
Here is a conversation last week that an A list talk show host had with his/her staff about booking someone. The talk show host and some producers were were in a light production meeting just going over the upcoming schedule. The talk show host mentioned that they want more general guests on the show and to cut back on other parts of the show. The host was also open to having cooking segments come in. One of the producers suggested Giada because it would be a nice ratings booster to have both of them together. The host pondered the suggestion but said nothing. The one of the other producers said. Producer: Just make sure to keep Giada away from the band. AT that point the talk show host started talking about how the producer was clueless about what Giada's deal is and that it is way more than rumors. Apparently Giada would confide in a stylist who also styled the talk show host and was not shy about spilling what was spilled to him which basically included that Giada often would use the excuse of "production meetings" to go meet with guys. The talk show host then called Giada a word that begins with an s and rhymes with mutt. The producer who suggested her then asked, "so she is out then?" The "would be a nice ratings booster to have both of them together" sort of gives it away and so I'll go with Giada's supposed arch rival Rachael Ray. If it is Rachael, then the EV-HO-HO she's drizzling on top of Giada is infused with potent jealousy, because that ho's big gay husband lets the giggles overtake his face whenever she tries to blow him and it usually ends up with him telling her that they should tickle each other instead. Can you even imagine Rachael moaning during a beej? That shit would sound like a snoring Mastiff with laryngitis. Which two current Dancing with the Stars contestants were this close to being related by marriage? The wannabe hoofer, who almost married into the famous family, isn't talking because his ex was—and still is—the black sheep of that celebrated clan! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Chaz Bono and Khloe Kardashian (related to Rob, of course). DONE! Which D list actress and sometimes musician, is currently working on getting pregnant from several of the men in her life so that she can get in the press again? We think she's most likely going to say the father is her 'husband.' (BuzzFoto) Jada Pinkeye-Smith? A popular married television personality who's also a chronic cheater had an affair a few years ago with a woman (also married with kids) who's now become his colleague. The colleague ran into his wife recently. The wife decided they would have a little conversation. There were no pleasantries. The wife pretty much opened with - who did you have to f-ck to get this new position? How many people have you fucked to get to where you are now? The colleague, obviously mortified, as they're actually in a place crawling with parents and children, frequented by their own children, tried to be civil, tried to downplay the hostilities. No, the wife wasn't interested in having a dignified discussion in public. She kept up her line of questioning about the colleague's career mobility with pointed questions about how much time she'd spent on her back to get to where she is. The badgering continued, the wife was relentless, until the colleague rushed away. The wife is now boasting about the incident to all the ladies in the circle and beyond, convinced that the reason the colleague is getting so much play on the network these days is because she's willing to give up so much play for the executives, the way she gave it up for her husband. This isn't the first time the wife has behaved aggressively. Her husband has pleaded with her to chill out when they're in public as it could affect his reputation, like his constant dicking isn't the major contributor to that. Still, her target right now is his colleague and the colleague's reputation and she seems to be willing, happily willing, to share with anyone who asks how this colleague is earning all her jobs ...though I wonder if all that casting couching is enough since, you know, Julia Roberts didn't seem to be aware. (Lainey Gossip) Does the wife make housecalls? Sometimes my soul feels down in the toilet hole and I really need a crazed cunt to call me a shameless opportunist whore (whoreportunist). It would give my self-esteem a boner. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Video Contest WINNER For October 25th! | Top |
| "Attention on the set: Would someone please move Ms. Montag away from the hot lamps?" - perky Runners-up: Too stupid to realize you can't get knocked up from anal, Jessica Simpson fantasizes about her baby's birth. - Twas Brillig After enduring a strange tickling sensation for several days, Massive Mocha lifted her folds and found what remained of her latest client. - Datura What the poor gerbils do inside Richard Gere. - OurMissC via Buzzfeed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| David Calvo, the Rubik's Cube Whisperer who can triumph over a Rubik's Cube while blindfolded, and when two Rubik's Cubes tried to double team his ass, he made both of them his bitch (David would probably kill it at checking for testicular lumps). And for his latest Rubik's Cube battle, David juggles two in one hand while solving a third one in his other hand. David might be the most talented living thing I've seen in the last 20 minutes, but he did face some fierce competition, because my dog managed to squirt out a caca on a lamppost WHILE barking at some fugly ass mutt at the same time. I can also appreciate that David dressed demurely and modestly so that we can focus on his real talent. I mean, if he wasn't wearing that undershirt under that v-neck, we'd be slobbering over his chest bones. Obviously. And for his next trick, I'd like to see David squirt a caca out on a lamppost while giving a testicular cancer check in one hand and juggling 4 blindfolded Rubik's Cubes in the other. Dare made! via Reddit (For Johnathon) | |
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