Sunday, November 27, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Open Post: Hosted By Posh And Harper Seven Top

Here's the Prada brand broomstick that is Posh Beckham working the hell out of that baby while struttin' her non-ass on the tiled catwalk of LAX yesterday afternoon. Posh's right arm bone is splintering from holding all of Harper Seven's weight, but her reputation as the fashion icon of all fashion icons (this is the part where you roll your eyes into a Chanel logo) is at stake and so she's glamour-ing through the pain. A stroller would completely mess up her silhouette and she needs her other hand to show off the stupid pocket in her $10,000 skirt! Anna Wintour would rather lick lard off of a fat fuck's fupa than put Posh on the cover of Vogue, but that isn't stopping this ant in a weave from living her life like she's on the cover of Vogue.

Shortly after this picture of Posh came out, sales for the Birkin bag dropped to an all-time low and Hermès has pulled the bag from its collection forever. But the good news is that Hermès is now selling BABIES!!! instead. Get on the waiting list while still can.

 
Sunday Crumbs Top

Meanwhile at an Urban Outfitters in Thousand Oaks, Black Friday crazies stampeded the entrance like hos were giving out drops of Anderson Cooper's jizz in crystal vials shaped like Prince Hot Ginge's peen. Where is that pepper spraying UC Davis asshole when you really need him? - Buzzfeed

What could've been = Zahara and Shiloh holding down Jennifer Aniston while Maddox punches one of her favorite Beanie Babies right before her pained eyes - Popsugar

As you suck strange dick in a park bathroom tonight, say a quick "get well" prayer for George Michael - Towleroad

JLo's new piece looks like a midget-sized Vinny from Jersey Shore - TMZ

Like Michael Lohan has a heart in the first place - Jezebel

Throw a fannypack on RPattz and he'd be dressed just like my abuelita on Black Friday - Lainey Gossip

Chaz Bono is going to be a husband - People

If you turn to the last page of the Bible, it simply reads: Lastly, DON'T FUCK WITH CHER. Nicki Minaj needs to learn this. - BlackBook

A sparkle turkey won Turkey Day Weekend - Coming Soon

 
Miley Cyrus Is A Raging Stoner Top


Somewhere up in a smoke room in heaven, Bob Marley is toking with the angels to burn away the memory of Miley Cyrus blowing out her 19 birthday candles on a cake with his face on it. The Daily posted this video from Miley's birthday party last weekend of her telling her friends that "you know you're a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake — you know you smoke way too much fuckin' weed." Kelly Osbourne, who's in the video and makes a salvia joke, immediately jumped onto her Twatter after this video came out to defend Marijuana Montana:

let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also

A JOKE! it makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called 'friends' would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!

u guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possible do all that if she was a stoner! #think

If I was Miley Cyrus and had a dad who always gets caught fucking a box of Corn Pops in the family kitchen and a brother who always kicks me in the knees when I walk up behind him, I'd have a vaporizer permanently attached to my breathing holes. But Miley needs to keep her weed smoking ways to herself before she really ruins it for everyone. When Miley got caught smoking "salvia," prudish bitches called for a ban on it. So now thanks to this video, those same prudish bitches will fight the legalization of the good shit. They'll tell parents everywhere that if their snowflakes smoke weed, they'll brains will turn to molasses and their vocal cords will turn into a scratching post just like Miley! But Miley's not like that because she hits the bong. Miley's like that because Billy Ray took that extra swig of moonshine while conceiving her in the back alley of a Friendly's.

Miley really does ruin everything.

 
Your Boyfriend Ryan Gosling Is Still Cheating On You With That Homewrecking Whore Eva Mendes Top

The screeching sound of fangirls drowning their pressed emotions in the bloody tears that poured out of their eye holes did not get to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes as they casually sashayed among the dead at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris yesterday. Crazed Gosling fangirls (Is there a name for them yet? Goslingers? Gos Warriors?) dug up graves with their bare claws, pulled the skeletons out and threw themselves in the coffins since there's no reason for them to live anymore now that Ryan is still with that scheming skank whore slut. But Ryan didn't seem notice, because the hipster dude shades on his face filters out all ugliness. Ryan stays cool at all times. It was just Ryan, his girl, dead people and the paparazzi that just so happened to be there at the same time.

Now, I'm not saying that this was a completely staged photo-op, but if you told me that one of those tombs was converted into Eva's make-up and wardrobe room, an emotion called shock would not fill my body. But Eva's selfish ass could've at least wore a green screen suit to make it easier for Ryan's fangirls to Photoshop themselves into these pictures. Holiday cards have been ruined because of that bitch!

 
It's An AbFab Christmas Special Preview! Top


The birth of Jesus finally makes sense! Jesus was born so that 2000+ years later there could be an Absolutely Fabulous Christmas Special. I wish they would've taught me that in catechism. This is the first preview for the special which airs on the BBC around Christmas times. It has absolutely zero Patsy Stone in it, but I guess we'll take what we can get. My ass is going to be in Italy with my family for Christmas, so I fully expect one of you British bitches (Britches?) to lasso over a cable cord so I can watch this shit. Ruote in fiamme (Translation provided by Google, so if it doesn't make any sense blame that ho)!

via ONTD (Thanks Ben)

 
QOTD: T.I.'s Thoughts On "Overly Sensitive" Gays Top

And now you can pull your hands out of the prayin' position and stop begging prison prophet T.I. to bestow upon you his strong words of wisdom about serious subjects such as equal rights, because he has finally rubbed his only two brain cells together to make a thought! I know, it's what we've all been waiting for. Vibe Magazine caught up with T.I. in between prison sentences and asked him if he thinks all Americans should have the same rights. T.I. said that if the The Un-American Activities Committee still existed today, gays who complained about Tracy Morgan's "I would stab my son if he acted gay" rant should be investigated.

T.I. on all Americans having equal rights
Man, I will say this, the funniest joke I ever heard Tracy say during a stand-up was, 'C'mon man, I think gay people are too sensitive. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.' [Cracks up laughing.] That shit was funny to me. And it's kind of true.' While T.I. makes clear that he supports anyone's sexual preference, he then connects, in his opinion, a current oversensitivity among gay people with a consequential and ironic offense of the First Amendment. "They're like,'If you have an opinion against us, we're gonna shut you down.' ... That's not American. If you're gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you're against it you should have the right to be against it in peace.'

Now, I can take a dick and I can take a joke, and I can even take both of them at the same time (especially when the joke is the dick), but where was the joke in Tracy's "I WOULD SHANK MY SON IN THE HEAD" rant? If that is considered a joke, then the shit jokes I try to tell on this blog every day would count as jokes too, and then we'd all be in trouble.

Well, if this whole "lifetime jailbird" thing doesn't work out for T.I.'s Jiminy Cricket-looking ass, then he has a bright future ahead of him as Mel Gibson and Michael Richards' publicist.

And the fun didn't stop there, T.I. then talked to Vibe about Osama Bin Laden's "death":

T.I. on being skeptical of Bin Laden's death
The conversation shifts from Muammar Gaddafi's death—which occurred five days prior—to Osama Bin Laden's assassination to both Eastern giant's once empowered relationship with the U.S. government. "It's like everybody that the U.S. was besties with, years later they're the worst person in the world," says Tip. "My question is what character traits do they possess now that they didn't possess when y'all were besties? What made it go astray, and who's to say they were on the dishonest end of that?"

The politic'n doesn't stop there. Before an article can be selected from the "Osama Bin Laden killed" search, T.I. twists his lips in sarcastic fashion and shoots, "If that really happened."

So you're skeptical about the legitimacy of Osama's death?
"Man, I'm a conspiracy theorist by nature. You can't experience the federal penal system and not be somewhat skeptical."

And this concludes today's "This Is Your Brain On Sizzurp" public service announcement.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top


Julie Chang of MyBoxNY (typo and it's not moving) who is always the consummate professional and isn't going to let some holly jolly ass kid wave HELLO! on repeat in her shot. That kid is probably waving to his grandma who is on her death bed and told him that her last dying wish is for him to wave to her on the live local news while wearing the t-shirt she made for him using the Cricut she bought on HSN with her last social security check. And Julie Chang just strangled that dying memaw's last wish with a high-pitched verbal bitch slap. If that boy told Julie why he was waving, she'd stare into the camera with those ice cold queen eyes of hers and say, "Get another dying wish, grandma, because nobody's ruins The Chang's shot!" I think we're soulmates.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Jaleel White (35)
Alison Pill (26)
Sharlto Copley (38)
Samantha Harris (38)
Twista (39)
Brooke Langton (41)
Michael Vartan (43)
Robin Givens (47)
Fisher Stevens (48)
Victoria Gotti (49)
Caroline Kennedy (54)
William Fichtner (55)
Bill Nye (56)
Kathryn Bigelow (60)
Jayne Kennedy (60)

 
Lily Allen Had A Mini Cooper! Top

Lily Allen's rep has turned their mouth to the SILENT position and are not saying shit, but who needs a confirmation from a rep when you've got friends with Twatter pages? Two of Lily's friends, Sam Chew and Charlie Condou, handed out pink blunts on Twitter last night and announced that she and her husband of 6 months, Sam Cooper, have been blessed by the saliva bombs and newborn diarrhea fumes coming from their brand new baby girl. We don't have a name yet, but Sam Chew did gift us with the image of a pink Mini Cooper driving out of Lily's coochie tunnel when he Tweeted this:

sending out love to lily, sam and mini cooper...... YES.
22 hours ago via web

This news might be like a shot of happiness to veins of your soul since Lily has been through sad after sad after sad after sad to get here. Lily miscarried her first pregnancy almost 4 years ago and had a still birth last November.

Congratulations to Lily, Sam and their new baby friend. I'll throw them another congratulations with more feeling if they really named their daughter Mini Cooper. Or at least WINNIE Cooper!

via People

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

When Lao Pan, an unmarried Chinese man with basically zero friends and family, took the one-way People Mover up to the afterword, his one true companion in this world sat next to the mound of dirt he was buried under and has refused to leave. The people of Pan's small village tried to get his loyal dog friend to leave the grave, but the bitch ain't moving. So the villagers are bringing food and water to the dog, and are even planning on building a little house next to Pan's grave for him to live in. Yes, file this under "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" shit and then cross-file it under "Material that will help to lubricate my dehydrated and practically dead tear sacks."

This makes me want to hug my dog even more than the time he snapped at my sucio neighbor (the one who leaves her trash outside of her door ALL NIGHT) when she tried to pet him without asking. Only this time when I hug him, I'm going to find a way to communicate to him that when the Grim Reaper finally pulls me down into the great big flaming CROC underground and my family throws a pile of dirt and two bricks over my dead body, he should make himself useful by digging an underground grave for me. It's the least he can do for all those years that I've cut his butt dingles out with tiny scissors.

via HuffPo (For Andy)

 

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