The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 1st!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- All The Ladies Fall In Love With Tommy
- Fourteen Minutes Of CaCa
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Matt Bellamy's Ingenious Disguise
- Mindy McCready's Life Is Still A Mess
- ScarJo Hates Blake Lively
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This barely B list actress who has had some great roles in popcorn movies that bombed is pregnant. She has not announced it yet, not because she is not happy, but because she is still trying to figure out who the father is. Rumor has it that it might be this married B list co-star of one of her bigger bombs. (CDAN) Thanks to January Jones, Mariah Yeater and now this trick, 2011 is truly the year of Maury. Time Magazine can call of the search and shut down their stupid polls, because their Person of the Year has been found. Now on to my guesses, which I've ranked from the biggest stretch (both Tommy Lee and Ridickulous can fuck it at the same time) to the tightest (Enrique Iglesias can't even stick the tip of his self-proclaimed hamster peen in it): This reality star smiles and acts all sincere and caring for the cameras, but behind the scenes, she is nasty and conniving. First of all, she is trying to force out the other members of the cast so that she can replace them with her own friends and family. She is delusional enough to think that she is the star of the show, and she will hurt anyone who gets in her way. Secondly, when a blogger disclosed something unfavorable (but very true) about her past on a popular website, the reality star went ballistic! She and her thuggish family and friends launched a coordinated online campaign to discredit the blogger. Even worse, they started posting threats and select personal details about the blogger (e.g. where she lived) all over the internet, thinking that it would scare her enough to retract the story. Finally, she had her attorney contact the blogger and threaten her with legal action if she didn't issue a retraction. The blogger wouldn't budge, so the lawyer resorted to calling her a "skank" on a popular social network. How professional! (And rather ironic considering the reality star's own past.) The blogger has refused to retract the story and the reality star is still angry about being unable to control the media. Just wait until she finds out that here are even more salacious details to come… (Blind Gossip) Caroline and her wannabe Marlon Brando ass from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Or Teresa Giudice? You know, I don't think I'd mind if Teresa brought her relatives, Koko the Gorilla and Bubbles, onto the show. Then they can change the name to Planet of the Housewives. I'm in! This newly married male A list pop singer really needs to remember he is married. Of course he has had problems with cheating in the past. Famously so. Anyway he was spotted getting really flirty and touchy feely with this reality show singer/actress who continues to hang on to fame by a thread. (CDAN) Michael Bublé and Katharine McPhee? What sexy reality star's athletic ex-boyfriend has a penchant for transsexuals? The single and never married footballer's dirty little secret was the main reason she left him! (National Enquirer via Gawker) Reggie Bush's name came on my mind first. But Kim Kuntrashian was so hard up to marry him that I'm sure she'd mold a dick out of her old face skin and sew it onto her crotch to keep him. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 1st! | Top |
Extremely hungry after all these years of dieting, Richard Simmons got desperate and finally decided to eat a woman. - eatmylumpia Runners-up: Much to Ryan Murphy's delight, Glee is still going strong in its 4th season. - Spaz de la Whoreta Jamie Lynn and the TRUE star of the Spears family, Uncle Joe, reunite at the family reunion. - FilthyBitch via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The world's biggest living insect (that we know of)! With a body like Xtina's shoved in a bandage dress, arms like Posh Beckham's and seductively dead eyes like Courtney Stodden's, a giant weta hypnotized former American park ranger Mark Moffett when he caught her crawling around Little Barrier Island in New Zealand. Don't even bother taking out the RAID, because this bitch can grab it from you and hit you in the face with it. Mark tells The Telegraph that he lured the lady weta to his hand by waving a carrot at her. He fed her a few bites and then let her go. Mark seems to think that he's found the biggest weta on the planet. "Three of us walked the trails of this small island for two nights scanning the vegetation for a giant weta. We spent many hours with no luck finding any at all, before we saw her up in a tree. There's no reason to beg Khloe Kardashian to save us all by battling that weta in a fight to the death, because she looks harmless. That weta is sort of cute. Don't you just want to dress her up in a tutu, throw her in your purse and take her shopping? Just look her at her nom-ing on that carrot. If she can eat a carrot......that means she can eat a finger..... And while you're screaming at your chomped off finger, she can jump down your open mouth, shove herself down into your stomach and eat you from the inside/out. No, she would never do that. If it helps, just think of that picture as a still from Kim Kardashian and Carrot Top's sex tape. That didn't help, I know. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Britney Jean Spears (30) | |
| All The Ladies Fall In Love With Tommy | Top |
An Australian woman named Valeska Paris used to be a member of Tommy Girl's Happy Time Fun Church Of Crazy (aka Scientology) and is now talking to the media about how she was pretty much forced into doing slave labor on the organization's cruise ship called Freewinds (not to be confused with Rosie O'Donnell's Big Gay Cruise). Valeska was allegedly sent to work on the ship as punishment after her mom quit Scientology. For 12 years, Valeska slaved away for up to 18 hours a day on the ship's lower levels and was treated like shit out of a Thetan's ass by Scientology's head bitch in charge David Miscaviage. Valeska somehow got away and even though she's permanently scarred and can't even watch a Carnival cruise ship commercial without busting into a panic attack, she has amazing stories to tell. Some of those stories came from the time she worked Tommy Girl's big gay birthday extravaganzaaaaaa in 2004. Nobody brings the crazy like Scientology so you know this shit is going to be good. Valeska tells the Village Voice (via The Superficial) that before his imperial space highness beamed down onto the ship, the slaves were told to only address him as "sir" and to not ask him for an autograph. The party was basically a giant finger banging Tommy in the butt. It was a Tom Cruise-theme party and there posters of his movies everywhere and the band played songs from his movies (except the ones he did with Nicole Kidman). But Valeska didn't even get to work Tommy's birthday party because her lip committed an act of treason: "David Miscavige saw that I had a cold sore, and I was assigned to lower conditions and I was put in isolation for 4 days," she says. She explains that she was assigned the "condition" of "Treason," which is below "Enemy" but above "Confusion." So that's why Katie "Herp Sore" Holmes always looks like she's been chained to a steam pipe for days on an end. Because she has! Valeska wasn't the only woman on the ship who got punished: And she says three young women from the IASA—the administration of the International Association of Scientologists—were disciplined after the party. "They were trying to get Tom's attention. So they were put in the engine room." They really should've just put all of the women in the engine room at the beginning of the party, because we all know how pussies burst out a tsunami of barley cream every time Tommy sashays around. David Miscaviage knows this and warned the females of the crew before Tommy arrived: "He said, 'Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who's going to serve him?' A woman spoke up. 'No, no, it can't be a woman, because he's so good looking, any woman would fall for him.' So a guy had to take the job," she says. If you gathered a million people in the same place and told that line, their full body laughs would send the earth flying into Xenu's volcano. They should make wallpaper with that line on it and cover the closet walls with it. Yeah, Tommy can't get near any woman or they will instantly fall in love with him, which is why he only surrounds himself with hot man pieces. "Sorry, I can't fuck you, because you have a vagina and you'll instantly fall in love with me" is probably a line Tommy used often. Well played, Tommy! Here's a video from Tommy's birthday party of him trying to sing with The X-Factor's Stacy Francis. This is like that awkward moment during your office holiday party when you realize that your drunk co-worker who is acting the fool isn't drunk, he's just naturally fucking crazy. If I was at that party, I'd find a way to give myself a cold sore so I could be banished to the damn engine room and put out of my misery. And here's Tommy sweating his pit Thetans off with Brad Bird and Paula Patton at the press conference for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in Tokyo today. All you women folk, don't stare too long or else you'll fall in loooooove. | |
| Fourteen Minutes Of CaCa | Top |
| And here's Lady CaCa's latest first year art school video project which will suck up fourteen minutes of your life. Yes, it's 13:47 minutes long. Bitch, you're not Michael Jackson! If you have more important things to do with your 14 minutes, like wash your ass hairs one strand at a time, then let me break it down for you. It opens with a scene straight out of CaCa, Interrupted where she's pushed on a gurney into some hospital room/train station lounge/vacuum of pretension after just having an abortion (or gender reassignment surgery, I'm not sure....). CaCa acts for a bit but all I can focus on is how her eyebrows look like albino pubes. Then suddenly we're in an apartment where CaCa speaks Google French, has an orgy with Cheerios, fucks her ego raw in the bathtub and twirls around in a maxi-pad bra. (I think that part symbolizes her gestating in a cocoon before emerging into the world as a Madonna clone.) The next part was all a blur. I was slapped with Black Swan, punched in the eyes by Flashdance, kneed in the nose by All That Jazz and violently fucked in the ear by Step It Up before I completely overdosed on pretension and shut down. I'm not sure, but I think it ended with CaCa selling her soul to the dark side to become the devil empress of pop she is today. Thank you for letting us know you're a slave to the Illuminati, CaCa. But you didn't have to take up 14 minutes of our time to tell us that. I mean, Nina Hagen already told us and it only took her 5 seconds to do it! Click here if you can't see that shit above | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Ben Affleck seems awfully calm and happy for a man whose head is getting eaten by a skunk - Lainey Gossip Daniel Day-Lewis' gallery of many faces is complete - The Daily What UPDATE: Demi Moore is not dating a completely heterosexual beauty mogul, because she's dating a completely heterosexual florist instead - The Superficial Stacy Keibler's 7 Minutes with George Clooney clock just hit its 5th minute - Celebitchy "Yeah, like I did!" shouted Marcus Bachmann - Towleroad Please tell me Elisabetta Canalis is wearing JNCO jeans - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Baby Huey's pubestache looks like it's leaking - Hollywood Tuna In case you've ever wanted to see Today's Jill Martin in a bikini, here you go - Popoholic Joke of the day: "No word on if Kourtney Kardashian's wedding will be televised" - ICYDK Zachary Quinto's man friend is giving me fever - Just Jared Dianna Agron does her best Twiggy in Nylon and survey says....NO - The Berry My guess is: Lindsay Lohan's apartment - Cityrag Kate Moss as David Bowie - Hollywood Rag This boy just found a lifelong fan in Bridget Moynahan - Videogum Piper Perabo's face has taken Botox Blvd. straight to Kylie Minogueville - I'm Not Obsessed What is JLo's temporary piece doing to that Dragon Tale Twin? - Popsugar Kelly Osbourne as a fetus. No, seriously - SOW | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Matt Bellamy's Ingenious Disguise | Top |
The new master of disguise, Matt Bellamy, fooled everybody and drew zero attention to himself this morning after he plastic bagged it to take a stroll with Kate Hudson. Bitch looks like a low-budget Jason Voorhees. When you try to buy a sex mask with food stamps, this is what the sex store clerk hands you. Some might not agree with me, but Matt's not the one who should have a plastic bag over his head. Almost every movie Kate Hudson has made should be plastic bagged. But seriously, at first I figured that Matt was just trying to hide a massive herp sore on his mouth, but then I glanced down to the amphibian socks from the ninth circle of hell wrapped around Kate's hooves. It all makes sense now. Any bitch would rather risk death by Tesco bag suffocation than be seen with a troll wearing that shit on her feet. | |
| Mindy McCready's Life Is Still A Mess | Top |
Former country singer and current mess Mindy McCready has been arrested five times and has tried to off herself numerous times including once while she was knocked up. Well, Mindy made heads shake once again yesterday when an Amber Alert was almost issued in Florida after she was accused of kidnapping her 5-year-old son Zander. Mindy's mother has custody of Zander and she's only allowed to visit him at her father's house. But on Tuesday night, Mindy took Zander from her dad's house which forced The Department of Children and Families to file a missing persons (Dale Bozzio does not approve) report. A few hours after the report was filed, Mindy issued a statement saying that Zander is with her in Nashville and she never snatched his ass. "I am working with lawyers to try to get all this straightened out. I did not steal my child, as it would be impossible for me to kidnap what already belongs to me! There never was any missing persons report and never an Amber Alert. Florida police spoke with Zander on Skype yesterday to make sure that she didn't trade him for a meth hit. They gave Mindy until today to return Zander to her father's house or they might throw her in jail again. And because Mindy's file with Child Protective Services isn't thick enough, she's done gone knocked up. Mindy told the NYDN that she's pregnant with twins. The father is some music producer she's been with for two years. It really has been a shit week for fetuses. First we find out that Kourtney Kardashian is growing her klan's newest kash kow and then we find out that Mindy McCready is carrying two future wards of the state. But I'm sure I'm just being melodramatic again. Mindy's history has proven that she's an upstanding citizen, loving mother, pillar of all communities and a stable individual, so I'm sure those twins' childhoods will be nothing but teddy bear farts and rainbow hugs. Remember that episode of Celebrity Rehab where that dumb bitch Mackenzie Phillips thought Mindy was faking a seizure and started laughing? I feel like Mackenzie whenever I read about Mindy. I start to laugh at Mindy's crazy antics and as soon as shit gets real (see: pregnant with twins) I start screaming for the police. | |
| ScarJo Hates Blake Lively | Top |
The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this: "Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was." The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick. So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins) | |
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