The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- In Case You Missed It, The Dark Knight Rises Trailer
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 30th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Vision Of Labia
- Evening Crumbs
- This Is Everything: Grannies Watching Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape
- Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210
- Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Tia Again!
- The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music"
| In Case You Missed It, The Dark Knight Rises Trailer | Top |
| The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read "Dark Knight released"). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he's done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I'm also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she's putting on makes her sound like she's got a hairball stuck in her froat and she's about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode. And you know, more people should say, "There's a storm coming" at the beginning of trailers, because that's not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I'd go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it's going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we're all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 30th! | Top |
In another hard hitting journalism story, Anderson found out what was hiding beneath Mariah Carey's pants. - Kismet145 Runners-up: Why yes, Mr. Cooper, my fur rug DOES match your drapes. - MrsL via Best Week Ever | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
3 Golden Sisters, the three Italian memaws from the Bronx who became my vote for the official voice of the people when their video of them watching Kim Kardashian's sex tape made the rounds yesterday. I'm waiting for the 3 Golden Sisters to get their own network (MTV: Memaw Television) where they bestow us with their wisdom on everything 24 hours a day and I'm sure that will happen (probably not), but in the meantime they have their own website. On their Internet home, the 3 Golden Sisters drop a little advice, show off their talent for posing with inanimate objects (watch out, Chicken Cutlets!) and post more YouTube gems. The Golden Girls can never be replaced, but until we all go to heaven to watch Bea, Rue and Estelle perform with a Betty White hologram, we have the 3 Golden Sisters. Mary, holding the 4 aces, is the eldest sister of 6 and has been a hairdresser for decades. Mary was married to her husband for 61 years and has two sons, four grandchirruns and two great grand children. At 81 years old, Mary still beautifies hair at her salon 3 days a week. Teresa, holding the Shia headshot, is a veteran hairdresser who switched things up years ago when she bought a talent agency. 72-year-old Teresa discovered Shia when he was 11 years old (Yes, Nana Teresa's to blame!) and she still talks to him today. (I'm hoping Teresa sends him a bar of Hazmat soap every now and again as a reminder that he needs to scrub the bedbugs out of his beard.) Teresa is a mother to two kids, a memaw to 9 grandchildren and a great memaw to one grandkid. Josie, holding the blowdryer, is Teresa's twin sister and is also a hairdresser. Josie opened her own salon in California 38 years ago and she's still putting the glamour on women today. Josie has been married for 50 years and has four kids and a few grandchildren. Nowe we know the basics about the newest Metamucil-flavored jewels in the Internet treasure box. And here's a quick clip of the 3 Golden Sisters celebrating 4/20 by trying to figure out how to work a bong. Did that clip get me high or am I really looking at Celine Dion's head on Mary's chichi? | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Joanna Lumley (66) | |
| Vision Of Labia | Top |
While most singers try to sing from their diaphragm, Mimi goes way deep and sings from her coochie. Now, that is how it's done! During the closing concert at the Ischgl ski resort in Austria yesterday, Mimi prepared to let out a 32 octave butterfly yodel by breathing in so hard that her Spandex ski pants practically polished her damn cervix. Mimi's poon will be spitting out Spandex for days! I refuse to call it a camel toe, because Mimi doesn't do camels, darlings. It's more like a lamb toe. Hell, it's the whole damn lamb's foot! It also looks like a unicorn putting its hooves together to pray, and two butterfly cocoons hanging next to each other, and Homer Simpson with red lipstick on, and a fortune cookie molded from Play-Doh. Basically, Mimi's cooze flaps look like everything. Who knew that Mimi has the Rorschach test of pussy lips? Even though Mimi's got an entire stampede up in her pants and her coochie could be a star in the world of competitive pants-eating, CoCo is still the Queen of Camel Toes. I mean, who would you put money on in a camel toe wrestling match? Exactly. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
What in the Batman meets Hefty bag hooker Hell is that on Adrienne Bailon's body? - Hollywood Tuna Sandra Bullock's maybe piece looks like a younger Simon Cowell. Maybe that's why Baby Louis can't stop side-eyeing - Lainey Gossip Either Mad Mel finally got a blowjob or his veterinarians sedated him with the same shit they sedate rabid bears with, because he was TOO calm on Leno - The Superficial January Jones' baby does have Matthew Vaughn's hairline... - Celebitchy RuPaul is not about to let lying bitches fuck up the Drag Race finale - Towleroad Why is Kate Upton allowing her nipple to get that close to Troyzan from Survivor? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Where have the Glittery Gays of YouTube been, because I need them to recreate RiRi's new video next to the BBQ in their mom's backyard - The Berry The skinny ass chipmunk that is Miley Cyrus walking to her car, take 5,298 - Popoholic A true American hero - The Daily What Patrick Dempsey is like the new Ryan Gosling - IDLYITW Lady CaCa needs to be in prison for committing My Little Pony genocide - Just Jared More privileged white girl problems coming your way! - Popsugar Do you think Eddie Cibrian mumbled through the "for poorer" part or did he just skip it altogether? - ICYDK Too easy: Queef Latifah will perform at Long Beach's Gay Pride Parade - Crunk + Disorderly Behold, Jessica Simpson's first after-labor meal - Hollywood Rag Exorcist baby (not a Snooki post) - Cityrag No. - OMG Blog Lionel Richie says "Goodbye" to Duets - SOW I hope they call it Diaries of a Beard - I'm Not Obsessed (Picture via Pacific Coast News) | |
| This Is Everything: Grannies Watching Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape | Top |
| Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: "She's just laying there!" I became these three memaws' fan at "His tongue is as long as his dick!" and I became their biggest fan at "His nose is in her cligh-toris!" Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther's Original Theater 2012. via Gawker | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Dr. 90210 | Top |
No, this isn't a picture of Dr. 90210, one of the original E! whores, holding up the tampon that fell out of his man pussy. This is a picture of Dr. Robert Rey posing with a peen implant during a meet and greet with his "fans" at the Seminole Casino in Hollywood, FL on Saturday. It's nice to see that after all these years Dr. 90210 is still a frosted, latex-covered MESS! Bitch looks like he just woke up from a coma after overdosing on the wrong kind of K during Black Party Weekend in 2001. Dr. 90210's calico cat hair makes me think of my terrifying adventures with Sun-In and that outfit makes me think of how I used my first credit card to actually buy something from the International Male catalog. Dr. 90210 is like a human time capsule of everything that was wrong about the early 2000s. Dude looks like a Euro gay porn star from 2002 who just can't let go of his glory days. I bet he smells like poppers, Drakkar, L.A. Looks gel and anti-chaffing cream. That being said, I'd still hit it even though he's so damn greasy that fucking on him would be like humping a Slip 'N Slide covered in baby oil. But Dr. 90210 would have to bring his "friend" who sort of looks like a beary Haley Joel Osment on growth hormones. | |
| Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Tia Again! | Top |
Maggie Gyllenhaal has birthed out yet another little girl who gets to play Barbies in her playroom with Uncle Jakey (SPOILER ALERT: Jakey's always gets to be Midge. Always.). Maggie's rep tell UsWeekly that her second daughter with Peter Sarsgaard was born on April 19th in NYC. Just like Jack Osbourne and Lily Allen, Maggie and Peter have given their daughter the name of a 73-year-old southern memaw who holds the record as Piggy Wiggly's longest serving employee and whose hair hasn't been out of a bun since the 40s. Maggie and Peter named their second kid: GLORIA RAY!!!!!!! I can't hate on the name Gloria Ray at all, because: a) Any name that is also the title of a Laura Branigan song is a good name and; b) Just shouting the name "Gloria Ray" out loud makes me feel like a southern mother from the 50s calling her daughter in for supper. And meanwhile, Jessica Simpson's wombschooled unborn baby just graduated from the 3rd grade. | |
| The Iguana Goddess Is Gracing Your Eardrums With New "Music" | Top |
Looking like a come-to-life Ganguro Bratz doll, the heir to the lucite throne Courtney Stodden and her creepy queefbag of a husband Doug Hutchison showed the People of Walmart how to truly bring refinement and grace to a big-box store when they shopped at Target in West Hollywood yesterday. Several Target shoppers immediately left after seeing Courtney in the aisles, because they figured that there's no way they can afford to shop at the same store as an expensive-looking creature who obviously prefers the finer things in life. You're looking at Courtney's "dress" and seeing a toddler's size large tank top, but I'm looking at it and seeing what every French designer will send down the runway at their next couture show. I'm actually surprised that Courtney can go out in public without get mobbed by thousands of fans (or the police, or agents from Child Protective Services). But all of that will change once the long-awaited (read: the opposite of that) follow-up to her first single "Don't Put It On Me" debuts at #1 on PedoBear's iTunes playlist. If you ever wanted to know what it sounds like to hear an iguana dry heave into a high-powered fan, click here (that shit won't embed, I should take that as a sign) to listen to Courtney's new song "Reality." Or as she sings it, "Rillality." Courtney tells Fox411 that her new musical masterpiece "is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it's a story about lust. It's about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?" To me, Courtney's song is an auto-tuned cry from humanity for the sun to please crash into the planet, because none of us want to live in a world where a trick has achieved the impossible by making a Heidi Montag song sound like fucking Mozart. | |
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