Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Anthony Davis Is Trademarking His Glorious Unibrow Top

Former Hot Slut of the Day and college basketball star Anthony Davis has an immaculate single brow of gorgeousness and if he tried to protect his natural work of hairy art by covering it with tweezer-proof glass, I wouldn't call him unreasonable. But Anthony is taking shit way too far and thinks he's the only ho who has ever grown a unibrow (insert your bertsideye.jpeg here). CNBC says that Anthony will most likely get picked up by the New Orleans Hornets in the NBA Draft this Thursday and since he's about to go pro, he's protecting his greatest asset: the wings of glory over his eyes. Anthony registered the likeness of his brow hair and is trademarking the phrases "Fear The Brow" and "Raise The Brow." It is way too late for this kind of fuckery. And if you're reading this in the morning, then let me just say that it's way too early for this kind of fuckery.

Anthony's unibrow is as important to this country as Mary Hart's legs and he thinks it's one of a kind:

"I don't want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it's very unique."

Anthony Davis' unibrow looks like a powerful bird gliding into the sunset, but he needs to step out of the world where he thinks he's the only one with two brows in one. The world is full of unibrows and even Khloe Kardashian can grow one in a day if she doesn't wax that shit every other hour.

Anthony better watch it with that "I am the creator of the unibrow" shit. Because if he doesn't, the ghost of Frida Kahlo will float into his room while he sleeps, slather Nair on his masterpiece unibrow and softly cackle as she disappears into the air. Fear the Frida.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

 
Nora Ephron Has Passed Away Top

Just three quick seconds after I posted my post about how the Internet prematurely declared that Nora Ephron was floating up to heaven, The Washington Post reports that she passed away tonight. Nora was 71.

TMZ says that Nora suffered from cancer, but The Washington Posts says that she died of complications from the blood disorder myelodysplasia.

As I wrote in my post below, Nora basically wrote every single movie Meg Ryan was in and if you want to know the names of all the movies she wrote and/or directed, just look in the boot box marked "rainy days/sad days/eat raw cookie dough" days under your bed and you'll find every single one of her movies.

Nora is survived by her husband Nicholas Pileggi and her two sons.

Rest in peace, Nora Ephron.

 
Nora Ephron Has Leukemia Top

This afternoon, Liz Smith hit the publish button a little too soon on a sort of obituary she wrote for her friend writer and director Nora Ephron, but there's a little problem: Nora Ephron is still alive. Whoops. But ABC News says that Nora is in a bad way and there's little hope that she'll pull through. Nora's agent Bryan Lourd tells ABC News that she has leukemia.

TMZ is hearing that Nora isn't expected to make it through the night. After Liz found the delete button and took down Nora's obit, she told THR that Nora's son told her they are making funeral plans for Thursday.

Nora's been nominated for three Oscars for her scripts for Sleeping in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally... and Silkwood. She also wrote and directed Bewitched, Julie & Julia, You've Got Mail and many more movies your mom watches on Hallmark Hall of Flame while wiping away her tears with her cat's tail. (Okay, that sentence is still factually correct if you switch out "your mom" for "Michael K" and "her tears with her cat's tail" for "his tears with his dog's tail." But it was an emotional time for me. Stop judging).

Hopefully, Nora is comfortable, has lots of morphine and is being entertained by Meg Ryan's fake orgasm yodels.

 
Night Crumbs Top

Drunk Ass Sandra Lee shows us the house the Kwanzaa cake built - Just Jared

I bet Justin Timberlake's hair smells like Dark & Lovely - Lainey Gossip

...and let's hope the marquee says STARRING CHAD MICHAELS - Towleroad

I don't like that my sandwich didn't have bacon in it and I REALLY don't like that I thought this was Grace Jones - Hollywood Tuna

Kaley Cuoco in Maxim Australia - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

A scroll down memory lane with Zack and Kelly - The Berry

Casper Smart should've worn the culo-hugging gold shorty shorts from his gay days - Celebitchy

In other news, Blue Ivy's Aunt GOOP was named honorary citizen of Cuntville - ICYDK

Aubrey O'Day didn't need a note from a doctor to tell us she's a crazy bitch - The Superficial

What I really don't get are Miranda Kerr's shorts - Popoholic

Ryan Gaycrest looked out into the ocean and thought, "I really wish this Coke can was Simon Cowell's bountiful breast" - Popsugar

Please, Jon Hamm, you know this was "call girl didn't get the amount promised and so she took some shit" situation - IDLYITW

Kate Hudson is still on a yacht - Celebslam

Angie Jolie when she had truly refined tastes in jooree - SOW

Jason Lee gave his kid a normal name. Boo. - I'm Not Obsessed

Must refrain from making Rue jokes - Videogum

That pussy's tongue is freaking me out - Cityrag

Two Quarters is in the hospital for real this time - Hollywood Rag

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For June 26th! Top

via Splash

 
Open Post: Hosted By LiLo & A Gun Top

From the Department of How Edgy And Groundbreaking, here's Lindsay Lohan showing us that she's really grown as a mess, because she's gone from playing with kitchen knives with Vanessa Minnillo to playing with guns with Terry Richardson. Terry Richardson posted a bunch of pictures to his Tumblr of LiLo at Chateau Marmont including some of her sucking off a gun. Terry ripped down the gun pictures, but I've posted a few below and you can see the rest here or here. They're very "crack whore granny hiding out from the law in a Super 8."

Ever since that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where David Silver's friend blew his head off while playing with a gun, I get uncomfortable around guns even unloaded ones. Something tells me the execs at Lifetime aren't loving these pictures either. Not because their EXHAUSTED mess of a star is eating guns instead of sleeping, but because these pictures hit way too close to home for them. This is what they do every night after watching dailies from Liz & Dick.

 
Jennifer Aniston's Wearing A Diamond Ring... You Know Where This Is Going Top

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are back from publicizing their relationship all over Europe and when they landed in LAX yesterday, she had a diamond ring on her finger. No, the diamond ring wasn't on her hitchin' finger. Jennifer wore the promise ring from her favorite Beanie Baby on that finger. The diamond ring was on her right ring finger and it's got Page Six asking if Justin put it there while proposing to her ass in Europe. Justin might've broken the old, crusty spinster curse an evil witch put on Jennifer Aniston many years ago. Does that mean Angie Jolie is going to turn back into a dragon and all her kids will turn back into cups, candlesticks and clocks? And Jennifer Aniston's Cabbage Patch dolls will turn back into human children? I forget how the fairytale goes.

Page Six also says that Jen and Justin were in Europe to look for places to get married.

That ring don't mean shit, because there's no way Jen is engaged. First of all, as far as I know Maddox hasn't turned into a cup or whatever. Second of all, if Justin did ask Jen to marry him, we'd know all about it before she screamed, "OH MY GOD YES YES LET'S DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND OH GOD GIVE ME YOUR PASSPORT YOU CAN'T LEAVE!"

As soon as Justin pulls out an engagement ring box, Jen will declare a Code: Apocalypse. A traveling midget photographer will jump out of her travel bag, editors from People will parachute in from the sky, and Jen's publicist and a SmartWater rep will set up a backdrop for the photo-op that reads, SmartWater: It Does Miracles! So yeah, the curse lives on!

 
Would You Like To Swing On A Star? Top

John Travolta probably thought that he was the only legendary QUEEN at last night's Savages premiere in L.A., but nope. John was dethroned the second the red carpet received a glamorous visit from his Saturday Night Fever co-twirler Donna Pescow, known to my fellow children of the late 80s as THE MOM FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD!  

If you read the title Out Of This World and are saying "HUH?" the same way John Travolta's peen does when a lady kisses him on the lips, then please go back to 5th grade recess and let the adults talk about a very important television show. Not just any very important television show, but a very important television show about a human woman (played to perfection by Donna Pescow) who sexed on a male alien (voiced to perfect by Burt Reynolds) and gave birth to an alien/human daughter with supernatural powers. Homegirl could stop time by pressing her fingers together! It blew my mind. There's further proof that us people of the 80s were simple and hypnotized by simple concepts. But really, who's not hypnotized by this?

You know, now that I watch that shit again, I'm pretty sure Out Of This World was just Scientology propaganda. I mean, it does look like Suri Cruise: the teenage years. Whatever. I still love it and I love it so much that I'm not going to mention that Donna Pescow's scarf thing looks like it was just used to wipe Ronald McDonald's ass. Donna is serving up some ketchup mustard realness and I don't mean that in a good way.

Here's a few other tricks and tramps from last night's premiere: Donna, Blake NotSoLively (thinking she's Kim Basinger in L.A. Confidential and shit), Benicio Del Toro, Mary-Louise Parker, Salma Hayek and Taylor Kitsch.

 
Savannah Guthrie Will Replace Ann Curry Top

It's not going to be Hoda Kotb or Meredith V or my personal choice Willard Scott. Savannah Guthrie will sit on the co-anchor chair that will have a revenge fart from Ann Curry on it. Savannah's the one all the way to the right who's giving that dried green paint some competition in the no personality contest.

TMZ says that Savannah's deal to be Today's new co-host is signed, sealed and awaiting delivery. Today isn't announcing her as the new co-host until they wrap shit up with Ann Curry. Ann has two years left on her $30 million 3-year contract and she wants the full $20 million to go away. NBC has offered her $10 million and a job as a foreign correspondent for NBC News, but Ann is shaking her head no to that shit deal. Ann is fucking done professionally with NBC and wants to leave the network for good. Ann wants her $20 million and nothing else.

Ann needs to put her hands around that NBC peacock's betraying bitch of a neck and not let go until that whore coughs up all $20 million. I had this customer service job once and one of my co-workers got fired for being a bitch to the customers. Did I mention that I loved her so? Well, when they pink-slipped her ass they told her she needed to come back the next day to sign some exit papers and pick up her last check. This bitch refused to sashay out the exit door until they put her last check in her hands. She sat on her chair, hugged her pocketbook and quietly talked shit to herself about her supervisors and the job. I played Mimi's "Hero" on a loop on my computer speakers. The bosses eventually gave in and gave her the check. That's what Ann needs to do. Sit in her chair and tell those bitches her legs aren't going to work until they drop $20 million into her checking account.

And about Savannah as the new co-host.... I was hoping if it wasn't going to be Hoda or Tamron Hall, it would be Natalie Morales. But I guess that would be awkward, because when I Googled "Natalie Morales Matt Lauer" this came up:

But then again, when I Googled "Savannah Guthrie Matt Lauer" this came up:

And "Ann Curry Matt Lauer":

And this (no, that is definitely not sloppily 'Shopped to shit, shut up):

So I guess if NBC wanted a co-host who hasn't been winked at by Matt Lauer's peen, there only option would be Al Roker. I think.

 
The Spice Girls Reunite And Posh Could Give A Shit Top

CORRECTION: That headline is factually wrong, because Posh can't physically give a shit. Posh had her entire digestive system removed, because it's not like she uses it anyway and it was getting in the way of her having a waist smaller than a grasshopper's peen shaft. So I should've wrote: Posh Could Give A Queef.

So, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice, Ginger Spice, Baby Spice and Tall Olsen Spice all gathered in front of the steps where they zig-a-zig-ah-ed in the Wannabe video 16 years ago to officially announce the Spice Girls musical. The musical will start with Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby discovering a miserable alien in a crashed asteroid and molding her into the Dark Crystal praying mantis she is today. Jennifer Saunders (that's Edina Monsoon to you and me) wrote the musical's book and Judy Craymer (the one in the pictures below who looks like an Asian Ellen Barkin) is producing it. Viva Forever! will open at the Piccadilly Theater in London's West End this December.

Here's Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Baby being all excited about getting a check while trying to ignore the luxury-wrapped skinny black cloud of poutiness next to them:

Oh, Posh, please forever remain that angst-ridden Emo goth teen who ruins Christmas by looking as miserable as possible while sitting at the dinner table. Seriously, I kept waiting for Posh to pull out a razor and start cutting herself while reciting Morrissey lyrics.

 

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