Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Mimi Will Be the Highest Paid Reality Show Judge, Dahling! Top

Somebody hand me a lamb so I can ask it to double slap me in the face for having the audacity to write yesterday that Mimi accepted a paltry, poor person's wage of $12 million to be a judge on American Idol for one season. JLo made only $12 million for her first season of Idol, Brit Brit is making around $16 million for her first season of X-Factor and Xtina is making $10 million for her third season of The Voice, so how dare I even think that the Rainbow Unicornie Princess of Pink Diamond Luxury would ever agree to make the same or less than those cheap Dollar General whores.

People says that Mimi's deal is worth $18 million for her first season and she has the option to renew if she wants to. This deal makes her the most overpaid judge on a reality show ahead of Brit Brit and Howard Stern (who gets $15 million for America's Got Talent). Simon Cowell doesn't count since he also gets paid for being an executive producer and each one of his furry tit pies gets 7 figures each for just being.

Thank the Sanrio gods for this news. All is well again. Mimi's FOX check is bigger than JLo's FOX check. And now I know that if you put $12 million in front of Mimi, she wouldn't even let her Hello Kitty sneeze on one of those bills. I'll never make that mistake again!

Here's the discount trick Mimi replaced having a pre-birthday dinner last night at Cipriani in NYC with some people and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger. I'm assuming Mimi was kind of enough to tell the restaurant to charge JLo's meal to her account since JLo ONLY made $12 million for her first season of Idol. I mean, JLo can barely afford a sheet cake from Costco and a 1/2 chicken dinner special from Juan Pollo.

 
White Oprah's Still Got It Top

Every now and again, the original Lohan grifter needs to remind herself that she's completely shame deficient and still has the skills needed to successfully swindle a trick. The bitch still does! Page Six says that the master con artist behind the infamous Cookie Puss Scheme of 2010 and her brother Paul Anthony Sullivan, who was convinced of fraud in 2008, were guests at a charity event in the Hamptons. The organizers of the event gave White Oprah four free tickets, but she showed up with 8 hos in total, because everything you say to a Lohan goes in one ear and out the left nostril. Not only did White Oprah show up with 8 whores, but she skipped out on a $2,500 check and didn't even leave a coke booger for the servers. "I am so shocked by this!" said ONLY Lindsay Lohan since the coke mash of delusion in her head is always in opposite land.

The charity event was held at Andrra restaurant and all proceeds benefited the Clamshell Foundation. (I know, I don't like it either that the Clamshell Foundation sounds like a pet name Lindsay Lohan gave to her 'gina.) After the event, White Oprah and Brother Paul were served with a bill for $2,500 and they immediately exploded into a whiskey tornado of crazy. A source says that Brother Paul screamed at the organizers and they agreed to lower the bill down to $1,100. But instead of paying that $1,100, White Oprah, Brother Paul and their gang of charity haters skipped out without even leaving a penny. The owner of Andrra, Rich Silver, confirmed that White Oprah didn't pay shit, but he wouldn't say anything more.

Of course, Brother Paul is right on time and let out this river of denial:

"This is a total lie. My written and verbal agreement with Rich Silver was to comp dinner for 8 to 10 guests, six people ate. There was not to be any bill. Then you get a bill for $2,500?

Dina was strictly invited as a guest and had nothing to do with paying anything. This is totally false. There is no bill to pay. I paid $500 for drinks, and I will wire a tip tomorrow."

"I will wire a tip tomorrow" is a good line. We have to give that Brother Paul. And if Rich Silver gives up his wire details to White Oprah, he shouldn't be surprised if suddenly thousands of dollars are mysterious wired from his account to several off-shore accounts. Speaking of not being surprised....

What did the organizers of that event expect? When you invite a Lohan to your party, you're going to be left with an empty bar, a toilet clogged with booze barf and at least half of your valuables missing. That is why when you make the mistake of inviting a Lohan over, you should immediately replace all your silver coke spoons with Dixie plastic coke spoons and you should hide your valuables in a safe place the Lohans will never go...like a shower.

I doubt White Oprah only skipped out on the check. That's some amateur shit (see: pictures of LiLo leaving Mr. Chow last night after probably skipping out on the check.) I bet that during the event, Cody Lohan was outside by the valet stand with dirt on his face, a fake cast on his leg and a cup for people to slip 20s in since everyone was in the charity-giving mood. Then White Oprah sashayed out, barked at Cody to give her 75% of his take and gave the valet guy a ticket she slipped out of a dude's jacket while inside of the party. They drove off in a stolen Mercedes and headed straight for the Lohan family chop shop.

 
The Jackson Family Is Still A Mess Top

TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, "No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet!"

The L.A. County Sheriff's department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin' their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough... or for looking at him funny... or for not having his money on time... or for speaking without permission...or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn't say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could've been because of the Jackson family's latest messy situation.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson's estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn't even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they're trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar's sources said this:

"Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael's estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.

Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it's possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.

The siblings' motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money."

This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ's estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it's like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.

Katherine Jackson's lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a "diabolical plan" (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it's best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.

"Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson's home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson's children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael's children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.

Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons' concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael's minor children.

We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with."

And here's some video from GMA this morning of Janet and Jermaine getting crazy at the house:

Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn't that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don't get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can't they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?

Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 23rd! Top

Safe word: Cheezburger - gina latina

Runners-up:

50 Spayeds of Grey - Mmmeaghan

Minka Kelly's sex tape proves what every sports fan has known for years. Derek Jeter is a pussy. - fleawatch

Now ... you will start thinking about how to re-attach my balls. - govt_cheese

via Gravy Holocaust

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Finally, we have a Republican candidate for the New York Senate who is after the black eyeliner contingent, stands up for all Oompa Loompa-Americans, buys all her business suits at Forever 21, will fight for no taxes on all Wet 'N Wild cosmetics and is the recipient of at least half a dozen Photoshop Awards. If you haven't already, meet 22-year-old Mindy Meyer (not to be confused with the glamorous Mindi Mayer), an Orthodox Jewish diva princess from Flatbush, Brooklyn who has already won the position of Senator of GLAMOUR! If you don't believe me, prepare your eyeballs for pure blinged out elegance and step into her website which looks like the place every guidette's MySpace page circa 2004 went to die in a pink grave. It's as if a pair of pink Juicy Couture sweats (with the word SEXY written on the ass) transformed itself into a website. It is EVERYTHING.

From the MIDI version of that mess of an LMFAO song playing on a loop to her campaign slogan ("I'm Senator and I Know It") to the picture of her dressed up as Katniss from The Hunger Games, Mindy proves that she's just the senator New York needs. If you still don't have the urge to pull out your pink sparkly pen to write a heart in the box next to Mindy Meyer's name on the ballot, then what she said to City & State (via Daily Intel) about law school will convince you to do so. I mean, Mindy went to law school because of Elle Woods!

"I'm trying to attract a young crowd and recruit more young people ... My idea is to make it very contemporary, funky, cool, not like a typical senator's website. Have you been to Kevin Parker's website? You could fall asleep when you go to it, everything's just red, white and blue.

To be honest with you, the reason why I initially wanted to attend law school is because I'd watched Legally Blonde and saw Elle Woods. She showed me you could go to Harvard and make it sophisticated. Pink is my favorite color, so that's technically my inspiration, everything pink."

"You could go to Harvard and make it sophisticated." A politician for the people AND an eloquent speech writer.  Fuck, the senate! Somebody send Mindy Meyer directly to the White House. It'll be the Pink House when Mindy Meyer gets done with it. This country definitely needs a president who always smells like Victoria's Secret fruit spray and keeps a tanning bed in the oval office. Mindy Meyer 4 Prez!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Anna Paquin (30)
Bindi Irwin (14)
Daveigh Chase (22)
Mara Wilson (25)
Elisabeth Moss (30)
Summer Glau (31)
Rose Byrne (33)
Torrie Wilson (37)
JLo (43)
Kristin Chenoweth (44)
Laura Leighton (44)
Kadeem Hardison (47)
Barry Bonds (48)
Gus Van Zant (60)
Lynda Carter (61)
Michael Richards (63)
Robert Hays (65)
Chris Sarandon (70)
Dan Hedaya (72)
Ruth Buzzi (76)
John Aniston (79)

 
This Might Warm Your Ice Cold Black Heart Top

Just when you really start to fully believe that the world is a shitty place full of throbbing assholes that keep adding to the piles of shit comes a video that might temporarily restore your faith in humanity. A dashboard cam caught a little ole' memaw having a hard time crossing the street, because throbbing asshole drivers kept shifting into the DON'T GIVE A FUCK gear to speed past her. But then a suburban knight on a white horse camouflaged as an SUV stopped and helped the little old lady cross the street. How the hell did everyone not jump out of their cars and lay down on the pavement to offer up their bodies to this memaw savior?! He is a hero to all memaws should be award the Werther's Original Heart of Honor.

But you know, I'm so jaded that I kept waiting for him to snatch ole girl's pocketbook before getting into his SUV to drive away. The world did this to me!

via Blame It On The Voices

 
Night Crumbs Top

While giving us some "Double Trouble as a cocktail waitress at a Mayan-themed bar in Las Vegas" shit, Demi Lovato's side titty came out for the children at the Teen Choice Awards - Popoholic

The 4 other Spice Girls should just perform with a pair of huge ass sunglasses on top of a broomstick and nobody will know the difference - Lainey Gossip

Somehow I don't know what's more ridiculous: Avril Lavigne's Skillrex hair or this sad excuse for a staged lesbian-themed photo shoot - The Superficial 

The Muppets are fucking done with Chik-Fil-A professionally - Towleroad

This is how Kellie Pickler salutes the troops - Hollywood Tuna 

Jorts + Morrissey's face + Shia LaDouche's arm muscles = a panty creaming moment I'm not proud of - Just Jared

You probably have most of these pictures of ASkars in a fap material folder you hide under your pillow, but why not lay your eyes on them again? - The Berry 

CoCo's 8th world wonder camel toe uncovered - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Why do the Dance Mom girls look like miniaturized Real Housewives? - Celebitchy

Tara Reid is laid up in a French hospital with acute pancreatitis and I'm surprised to hear that her drunk ass still has a pancreas - ICYDK

Justin Theroux's bulging arm veins tells me that he's a fist pig's dream come true - I'm Not Obsessed

Pictures of Mila Kunis sucking on an actual used douche bottle would be less vomit-inducing than these pictures of her kissing on Ashton Kutcher - Cityrag

RiRi is still in a bikini - Celebslam

BREAKING: Our Lady of Cheetos is actually wearing pants - Popsugar

Because this day definitely needed more French nalgas - OMG Blog 

Today's "the devil is still very much alive in this world" moment is brought to you by Kristen Stewart's dark-sided and fuglified finger shoes! - SOW 

 
Open Post: Hosted By Voldemort's New Look Top

Here's Ralph Fiennes presenting his movie Coriolanus at the 59th Pula Film Festival in Croatia yesterday while showing us that even though his hairline has retired from the hair-growing game, his beard area is still blooming out a glorious shrub you usually only see on a Kardashian's asshole before she gets her daily butt wax. Some might say that Ralph is fighting the hot with four handfuls of face pubes, but I say that he's bringing the heat to bitches who have always fantasized about humping on a dude who looks like a commune leader turned Russian lit professor at a small college in Vermont. And yes, I still would.

 
American Idol Will Have 100% More Rainbows And Unicorn Farts On It Next Season Top

Ryan Seacrest is having himself a midget boy pout party right now, because FOX had to cut his high heels and highlights budget now that they're slipping over $12 million into Mimi's pink diamond-encrusted Lisa Frank fanny pack to replace JLo on American Idol next season. The good news for fans of foolery was announced at the TV Critics Association Summer Press tour in Beverly Hills as a herd of lambs let out thousands of heart-shaped queefs of happiness. Mimi wasn't at the Summer Press tour today, but while lounging in a Hello Kitty bathtub, she called in and said in so many words that she can't wait to deposit that check into her account. via TVLine:

"I am so excited to be joining Idol. I wanted to be there today and I wish I could have been there myself to tell you. I can't wait to get started in a couple months."

Nothing can replace Paula Abdul barfing up jumbled critiques while trying to keep herself from coughing up pieces of Vicodin pills, but Mimi will come close to topping that crazy. I can't believe I'm typing this in the year 2012, but I'm actually looking forward to watching American Idol next season. There's something wrong there. Now FOX just needs to get Aretha Franklin, so we can all bow down to the three queens (Mimi, Aretha and Gaycrest) of primetime shit shows.

 

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