Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

But Here's My Number, So Sext Me, Maybe? Top

Fake nekkid ass nekkid pictures of that "Call Me Maybe?" girl, Carly Rae Jepsen, have been making the rounds for the last few days, but now TMZ is saying that real and recent nekkid ass nekkid pictures of her exist and the hacker who stole them is trying to sell them to the highest bidder. Don't worry, if the pictures ever see the light of the Internet, looking at them won't make Chris Hansen slip out of your pantry to tell you to have a glass of lemonade before having a seat in the easy chair in the corner, because Carly Rae Jepsen is actually 26 years old. Bitch just acts and dresses like a 14-year-old Mickey Mouse Club reject who still draws pink hearts over all her is. But I guess that fact still makes her naked pictures every layer of NOT RIGHT.

TMZ says that back in March, Carly Rae called the Vancouver Police Department to report that an anonymous tipster told her that someone snatched pictures of her...well....snatch....from her computer. After investigating the tip, the police declared that she had been hacked and they already have their eyes focused on one possible hacker.

When these tricks start to become famous, their publicist, or whoever, should really tell them that if they don't want their nipple knobs and fuck parts wallpapered all over the Internet, they should do at least one of the following things:

1) Don't take pictures of your naked body.
2) If your ass must, keep your face out of the picture and use your finger to hit the delete button as soon as those pictures make it to their destination.
3) Change the timestamp on the camera to a date weeks before your 18th birthday, so you can at least try to play the Minka Kelly card.
4) If a piece insists on a naked picture of your ass, just do what half of the hos on Craigslists' Casual Encounters section do. Send a naked picture of some random you found on the Internet. Actually, don't do that, because nothing is worse than showing up to some hook up's apartment and finding out that instead of looking like Ryan Gosling (like he did in his picture), he looks more like current day Ryan O'Neal. And since you're such a dedicated slut, you do it anyway since you did come all that way.

And yes, like with most things in life, we can blame this on Justin Bieber.

 
This Is News: The Wife Of Kristen Stewart's Side Trick Deletes Her Twitter Account (UPDATE) Top

If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.

Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.

I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.

But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."

UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.

via E! Online

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 24th! Top

You're making an ass-terisk of yourself. - ProfessorVP

Runners-up:

Pulling production from "Magic Mike: the Foreclosure Years" (aka three weeks) club owners moved the party into the parking lot. - Ida Smackter

Visible abs, bright orange, and looks like an idiot - looks like the next season of Jersey Shore is a go. - jazzfish_77

More reason to boycott Chic-fil-A: Even their parking lot is part of a hate group. - Datura

via Evil Milk

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

The Noid, the bunny suit-wearing asshole who did whatever it took to keep you from getting a Domino's Pizza in 30 minutes or less.

In the 1980s, Domino's came up the Avoid The Noid campaign to market their "30 minutes or less" promise and that shit was everywhere. There was a video game for MS-DOS (if you remember MS-DOS and had one, you're old with me) and The Noid craze reached a fever pitch when a crazy named Kenneth Lamar Noid thought the ads were personally attacking him so he held two employees hostage inside of a Domino's in Atlanta (they got out safe, he got arrested). I know I shouldn't give Hot Slut honors to a douche bag in a red latex fetish suit who hates delicious pizza, but The Noid is totally misunderstood. That's all. The Noid doesn't hate us pizza eaters, he's just a crackhead. I mean, wandering pupils, always cackling, wears fucked up clothes and tries to kill the smell of pizza. Yeah, total crackhead.

(For Michele)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Matt LeBlanc (45)
James Lafferty (27)
Tera Patrick (36)
Michael C. Williams (39)
Illeana Douglas (47)
Bobbie Eakes (51)
Darren Star (51)
Thurston Moore (54)
Iman (57)
Verdine White (61)
Barbara Harris (77)

 
And Every Twihard Just Melted Into A Puddle Of Sparkly Misery Top

In case you haven't looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn't resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she's trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart's people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People's "source" said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

"Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn't having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn't have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She's a good person who just made a bad choice."

They should've just said that Kristen's lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that's why her mouth was on Rupert's mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what's going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew's contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.

 
Christian Bale Visits The Victims Of The Aurora Shooting Top

There was a huge campaign on Tumblr, and I think Facebook too, asking Christian Bale to visit the victims in the Aurora shooting dressed as fucking Batman! Out of all the things the victims need, seeing Batman in their hospital doorway, even if he is carrying a bouquet of carnations, is probably not one of them. Just a guess. So thankfully, when Christian Bale did an awesome thing today by visiting the victims, he left his Batman mask in the closet.

TheDenverChannel says Christian didn't want to turn this into a huge STUNT QUEEN situation, so he rode to the hospital in an ambulance to keep the media from finding out. Christian showed up to the hospital at around 2 this afternoon and spent around two and a half hours hanging out with several victims including Carey Rottman, who posted this picture with Christian on Facebook. Warner Bros. said that Christian went on his own and he wasn't there representing the studio.

Well, this was a completely amazing thing of Christian Bale to do and makes me feel all warm in the chest area, and I usually only get that feeling when my laptop overheats on my chest while I'm watching porn. I know some of us are fans of Christian's bitchy on-set meltdowns, so don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back to screaming his tonsil skin off at an assistant director by this time... Wait, what time is it? Oh yeah, he's probably back on the set and screaming  "OH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOU" at an assistant director right now. A crazy with a heart, that Christian.

 
Sherman Hemsley Has Passed Away Top

If you haven't already, put on your helmet and get ready to dodge all the "he's finally moving on up" jokes on Twitter and Facebook. TMZ says that TV icon Sherman Hemsley has gone on up to the great, big deluxe apartment in the sky (you should've dodged that one) today at the age of 74. Sherman died at his home in El Paso, TX and his cause of death is not known yet, but the police believe he died of natural causes.

Sherman was originally from Philadelphia, but moved to New York when he was young to work as a postal worker by day while taking acting classes at night. Sherman made his Broadway debut in Purlie and that led to Norman Lear casting him as George Jefferson on All in the Family. From there, The Jeffersons were spun off into their own show and history was made. After The Jeffersons run ended after 11 seasons, Sherman went on to star in Amen and Dinosaurs. Sherman regularly worked with his TV wife Isabel Sanford until her death in 2004.

Rest in peace, Sherman. You're now up in heaven, dancing to Nektar with the angels.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Katie Holmes did an interview with C Magazine just a day before she knocked the plug out of Tommy Girl's butt by filing for divorce and she managed to get through it without screaming, "I'M ALMOST FREEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Lainey Gossip

This is the look: Jennifer Aniston as a Volvo-driving, sandwich crust-cutting, KMart-shopping, 50 Shades of Grey-reading mom - Celebitchy

The Carly Rae Jepsen beej tape that doesn't really star Carly Rae Jepsen. I think. - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

David Beckham makes children cry, ladies swoon their nipples off, eyeballs pop out of sockets, etc.... - Towleroad

But the real story here is, how did Casper Smart's toddler frog looking ass get into an adult store without getting carded? - The Superficial 

I see someone was inspired by Courtney Stodden's opulent arm bracelet - Hollywood Tuna 

BREAKING: Lea Michele manages to pose in front of photographers without busting out a sexyface - Popoholic

Chris Evans must really want to get them zits popped proper - ICYDK

DO play this prank on your wife - Videogum

Boy George does Blahna Del Meh's Video Games - Just Jared

Panty Creamers of the Day: Men in mantyhose - The Berry 

"Ohshit, I have to fly commercial too?!" - Suri Cruise - Popsugar

I think I spot Latrice - OMG Blog

Correction to my previous statements: Stacey Dash CAN do wrong and she has with this mound of musical dingles - Crunk + Disorderly

How Jennifer Aniston spends her Sunday afternoons - Cityrag

Jon & Kate + 8 - Jon + Some Dude - I'm Not Obsessed

Hermione Granger might get tied up and slapped around - Hollywood Rag

 
TJ Jackson Wants Temporary Guardianship Of Michael Jackson's Kids (UPDATE) Top

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson's Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito's son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she's going to beat Rebbie's ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he's expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson's Estate and MJ's kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we're talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn't in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson's luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don't say anything, but she's deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don't blow her cover!

UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ's Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ's will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn't playing anymore and she's so going to get him for this.

 

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