Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Finally, we have a Republican candidate for the New York Senate who is after the black eyeliner contingent, stands up for all Oompa Loompa-Americans, buys all her business suits at Forever 21, will fight for no taxes on all Wet 'N Wild cosmetics and is the recipient of at least half a dozen Photoshop Awards. If you haven't already, meet 22-year-old Mindy Meyer (not to be confused with the glamorous Mindi Mayer), an Orthodox Jewish diva princess from Flatbush, Brooklyn who has already won the position of Senator of GLAMOUR! If you don't believe me, prepare your eyeballs for pure blinged out elegance and step into her website which looks like the place every guidette's MySpace page circa 2004 went to die in a pink grave. It's as if a pair of pink Juicy Couture sweats (with the word SEXY written on the ass) transformed itself into a website. It is EVERYTHING.

From the MIDI version of that mess of an LMFAO song playing on a loop to her campaign slogan ("I'm Senator and I Know It") to the picture of her dressed up as Katniss from The Hunger Games, Mindy proves that she's just the senator New York needs. If you still don't have the urge to pull out your pink sparkly pen to write a heart in the box next to Mindy Meyer's name on the ballot, then what she said to City & State (via Daily Intel) about law school will convince you to do so. I mean, Mindy went to law school because of Elle Woods!

"I'm trying to attract a young crowd and recruit more young people ... My idea is to make it very contemporary, funky, cool, not like a typical senator's website. Have you been to Kevin Parker's website? You could fall asleep when you go to it, everything's just red, white and blue.

To be honest with you, the reason why I initially wanted to attend law school is because I'd watched Legally Blonde and saw Elle Woods. She showed me you could go to Harvard and make it sophisticated. Pink is my favorite color, so that's technically my inspiration, everything pink."

"You could go to Harvard and make it sophisticated." A politician for the people AND an eloquent speech writer.  Fuck, the senate! Somebody send Mindy Meyer directly to the White House. It'll be the Pink House when Mindy Meyer gets done with it. This country definitely needs a president who always smells like Victoria's Secret fruit spray and keeps a tanning bed in the oval office. Mindy Meyer 4 Prez!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Anna Paquin (30)
Bindi Irwin (14)
Daveigh Chase (22)
Mara Wilson (25)
Elisabeth Moss (30)
Summer Glau (31)
Rose Byrne (33)
Torrie Wilson (37)
JLo (43)
Kristin Chenoweth (44)
Laura Leighton (44)
Kadeem Hardison (47)
Barry Bonds (48)
Gus Van Zant (60)
Lynda Carter (61)
Michael Richards (63)
Robert Hays (65)
Chris Sarandon (70)
Dan Hedaya (72)
Ruth Buzzi (76)
John Aniston (79)

 
This Might Warm Your Ice Cold Black Heart Top

Just when you really start to fully believe that the world is a shitty place full of throbbing assholes that keep adding to the piles of shit comes a video that might temporarily restore your faith in humanity. A dashboard cam caught a little ole' memaw having a hard time crossing the street, because throbbing asshole drivers kept shifting into the DON'T GIVE A FUCK gear to speed past her. But then a suburban knight on a white horse camouflaged as an SUV stopped and helped the little old lady cross the street. How the hell did everyone not jump out of their cars and lay down on the pavement to offer up their bodies to this memaw savior?! He is a hero to all memaws should be award the Werther's Original Heart of Honor.

But you know, I'm so jaded that I kept waiting for him to snatch ole girl's pocketbook before getting into his SUV to drive away. The world did this to me!

via Blame It On The Voices

 
Night Crumbs Top

While giving us some "Double Trouble as a cocktail waitress at a Mayan-themed bar in Las Vegas" shit, Demi Lovato's side titty came out for the children at the Teen Choice Awards - Popoholic

The 4 other Spice Girls should just perform with a pair of huge ass sunglasses on top of a broomstick and nobody will know the difference - Lainey Gossip

Somehow I don't know what's more ridiculous: Avril Lavigne's Skillrex hair or this sad excuse for a staged lesbian-themed photo shoot - The Superficial 

The Muppets are fucking done with Chik-Fil-A professionally - Towleroad

This is how Kellie Pickler salutes the troops - Hollywood Tuna 

Jorts + Morrissey's face + Shia LaDouche's arm muscles = a panty creaming moment I'm not proud of - Just Jared

You probably have most of these pictures of ASkars in a fap material folder you hide under your pillow, but why not lay your eyes on them again? - The Berry 

CoCo's 8th world wonder camel toe uncovered - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Why do the Dance Mom girls look like miniaturized Real Housewives? - Celebitchy

Tara Reid is laid up in a French hospital with acute pancreatitis and I'm surprised to hear that her drunk ass still has a pancreas - ICYDK

Justin Theroux's bulging arm veins tells me that he's a fist pig's dream come true - I'm Not Obsessed

Pictures of Mila Kunis sucking on an actual used douche bottle would be less vomit-inducing than these pictures of her kissing on Ashton Kutcher - Cityrag

RiRi is still in a bikini - Celebslam

BREAKING: Our Lady of Cheetos is actually wearing pants - Popsugar

Because this day definitely needed more French nalgas - OMG Blog 

Today's "the devil is still very much alive in this world" moment is brought to you by Kristen Stewart's dark-sided and fuglified finger shoes! - SOW 

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 23rd! Top

via Gravy Holocaust

 
Open Post: Hosted By Voldemort's New Look Top

Here's Ralph Fiennes presenting his movie Coriolanus at the 59th Pula Film Festival in Croatia yesterday while showing us that even though his hairline has retired from the hair-growing game, his beard area is still blooming out a glorious shrub you usually only see on a Kardashian's asshole before she gets her daily butt wax. Some might say that Ralph is fighting the hot with four handfuls of face pubes, but I say that he's bringing the heat to bitches who have always fantasized about humping on a dude who looks like a commune leader turned Russian lit professor at a small college in Vermont. And yes, I still would.

 
American Idol Will Have 100% More Rainbows And Unicorn Farts On It Next Season Top

Ryan Seacrest is having himself a midget boy pout party right now, because FOX had to cut his high heels and highlights budget now that they're slipping over $12 million into Mimi's pink diamond-encrusted Lisa Frank fanny pack to replace JLo on American Idol next season. The good news for fans of foolery was announced at the TV Critics Association Summer Press tour in Beverly Hills as a herd of lambs let out thousands of heart-shaped queefs of happiness. Mimi wasn't at the Summer Press tour today, but while lounging in a Hello Kitty bathtub, she called in and said in so many words that she can't wait to deposit that check into her account. via TVLine:

"I am so excited to be joining Idol. I wanted to be there today and I wish I could have been there myself to tell you. I can't wait to get started in a couple months."

Nothing can replace Paula Abdul barfing up jumbled critiques while trying to keep herself from coughing up pieces of Vicodin pills, but Mimi will come close to topping that crazy. I can't believe I'm typing this in the year 2012, but I'm actually looking forward to watching American Idol next season. There's something wrong there. Now FOX just needs to get Aretha Franklin, so we can all bow down to the three queens (Mimi, Aretha and Gaycrest) of primetime shit shows.

 
In Case You Missed It, No Doubt On Last Night's Teen Choice Awards Top

The part of the chewed-up piece of steak fat called my heart that holds a special place for the 90s filled with tears earlier this month when Chumbawamba broke up with each other, but now that place can stop weeping thanks to No Doubt jumping into Bieber territory last night to perform the first single off their new album. "Settle Down" makes my ears curl and it sort of sounds like a ska song that was written by a bunch of tone-deaf Fraggles, but this mess of a song is still better than the shit put out by whores half their ages.

Speaking of whores half her age, Gwen Stefani looks better than most of them. The secret to eternal youth must be feeding the pores on your scalp with a steady serving of peroxide, because Gwen's 2012 face looks exactly like her 1995 face.

 
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Top

Lindsay Lohan has just finished her first week of shooting Bret Easton Ellis' low-budget, soft-core mess The Canyons with porn star James Deen, and the movie's director Paul Schrader is so crackstruck that he's dribbling out LOL-inducing words of fuckery about her performance on the movie's Facebook page. LiLo's performance as a drunk L.A. slut whore is so complex that if you peeled away the thick layers of her performance, not only would you find a thin film of slightly-dried ass wart pus, but you'd also find shades of Gena Rowlands, Ann Margaret, Faye Dunaway and a bunch of other actresses she should never be compared to.

This note from Paul makes so much more sense if you picture him typing it while White Oprah stands next to him, threatening to flash her tit bags at him if he doesn't spread the delusion:

LINDSAY. Seven days in, first full week completed. Lindsay Lohan is a huge fan of Hollywood glamour and performances from the Golden Era. Working with her every day on varied scenes I've been making a mental checklist of classic movie performances she's touched upon. There's has been a lot of Ann Margaret, some Gena Rowlands and Faye Dunaway and of course some bits of Liz Taylor and Monroe as well as a little Rita Hayworth and even Gene Tierney (although the last may be more my creation than hers). Oh yeah, and Angie Dickinson. And Lee Remick. And Shelley Winters... . Paul S.

That really took Paul a lot of keystrokes to simply say: "I just smoked up the greatest crack in the city with Blohan!" 

via ONTD

 
Tripp Palin Might've Called His Aunt Willow A "Faggot" On His Mom's Reality Show Top

Someone is actually watching Bristol Palin's dried shit bomb of a reality show "Life's A Tripp" and just had to share this touching and moving Palin family moment with the Internet by uploading it to YouTube. Before Bristol spits out the only true she words she has ever said ("I'm doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp."), she nearly laughs her second face off after her 3-year-old kid calls Willow Palin a faggot for not letting him swim in the pool. What's kind of funny is that if faggot didn't mean what it means, Faggot would definitely be the first name of one of the Palins.

But wait. Life's A Tripp's showrunner tells Gawker that he was in the room when this scene was filmed and Tripp didn't launch the word faggot from his mouth, he used the other f-word.

Life's a Tripp showrunner Matt Lutz wrote in to say that Tripp's bleeped expletive was "fuck" and not "faggot." Lutz says that he was in the room at the time, and that he has reviewed the raw footage several times.

I believe Matt Lutz. If Tripp did call Willow a faggot, then that busted-brows piece of dumb trash would've given him a gold star in excellence for learning her favorite word instead of egging him on by laughing. If Tripp did use the fuck word instead of the faggot word, then all of us should give him a gold star in excellence. Because saying "I hate you! Go away, you fuck!" to a Palin has made him the official voice of the people!

 

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