Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Kristen Stewart Is Sorry For Cheating On Sparkle Vamp Top

No, that dyslexic butt fuck picture never gets told to me.

Kristen Stewart gave People an open letter to Robert Pattinson where she slurred out a stream of sowwies for dimming the sparkle on his nipple by letting her 41-year-old married director make out with her cooch in her parked car. The statement of words almost made my eyes roll to the left and roll to the right, so bitch definitely wrote it herself:

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry."

Well, I love how it takes UsWeekly catching her with a pussy full of married man mouth to admit that she's humping on RPattz. Hopefully, Kristen Stewart's dumb ass learned a lesson those of us with common sense learned naturally: When you're screwing on a side trick, don't do it out in the damn open for everyone to see. Take that shit to a Super 8 motel room. That's what they're there for. Seriously, bitch can't even cheat right.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

For many years this B- list actor who is an Academy Award winner/nominee has managed to keep his love for cross dressers and transsexuals to himself. What I mean by that is back in the day it was sort of known that he enjoyed them, but then he decided that no one would take him seriously if they found out about his secret life and he had enough issues with women in his life that the last thing he needed was talk about him also enjoying lots of other things. Lately though, his girlfriend of a few years has encouraged him to explore and has been there with him and out actor has not only enjoyed threesomes with his girlfriend and transsexuals, but also has been dressing up himself and doing so on a regular basis. He even has taken some hormones to try and get some breasts. The problem is as much as he loves doing it, he is also afraid that if they get too noticeable he won't get any film roles. The other thing is, he has had so much plastic surgery that no matter what he does or how much makeup he wears, he really does not make the most attractive woman. But, he is happy. He says he feels more free than he ever has and that because he is free he has stopped drinking and doing other drugs. (CDAN)

If more hos traded in their serious hunger for the bad shit for (NSFWish) gaffs and size 16 heels, the world would be a much more glamorous and happier place.

If it wasn't for the whole "B-list actor," "girlfriend" and "Academy Award nominee" thing, I'd say without a question mark that this is Miss Bruce Jenner, because you know he has an award-winning tuck and you know he and Pimp Mama Kris have both licked the nipple of a trans flower at the same time. (The line to get that image Magic Erased from your brain forms to the left.)

Because he's always got six layers of Playboy Pink gloss slathered on his gummy worm lips and he's usually wearing a titty-accentuating blouse from Cache, my guess is Mickey Rourke? But I am side-eying that "does not make the most attractive woman" shit, because if a Kardashian or a Tater Sister can get a cover of Cosmo, so can Mickalina Rourke.

It has now been a little over 30 days since this sibling of a trainwreck actress entered rehab. She is supposed to have been released by now, but maybe she needed more help for her issues which include an eating disorder which is caused by her addiction to some pills her sister got her hooked on. (CDAN)

Ali Lohan? An 18-year-old in rehab is considered a "late fucking bloomer" in the Lohan family.

We used to see this child out all the time with their parents. These sightings provided lots of photo ops of normal parent/child stuff, usually with the mother, but often with the father. However, lately, the child has been missing from public view. We hear it's because the child has become uncontrollable in public. They are hitting, kicking, and don't want to be touched. They have also been heard screaming at one of the parents, "You're not my real mother/father!" (Blind Gossip)

Suri is in front of a paps lens almost every single day, so this isn't her. Who ever the brat is needs to be sent to aubelita boot camp.

 
Grandma's Coming Home (UPDATE: Katherine's Out, TJ's In) Top

Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson's estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she's coming back home.

TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ's estate off their thrones and take over.  Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn't going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito's son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ's kids.

Radar says that after TJ made it clear he's going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids' legal caretaker.

Randy went on Al Sharpton's MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson's will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ's sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ's estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked "heaven," all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won't get shit.

The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, "You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!"

UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine's guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!

 
But Here's My Number, So Sext Me, Maybe? Top

Fake nekkid ass nekkid pictures of that "Call Me Maybe?" girl, Carly Rae Jepsen, have been making the rounds for the last few days, but now TMZ is saying that real and recent nekkid ass nekkid pictures of her exist and the hacker who stole them is trying to sell them to the highest bidder. Don't worry, if the pictures ever see the light of the Internet, looking at them won't make Chris Hansen slip out of your pantry to tell you to have a glass of lemonade before having a seat in the easy chair in the corner, because Carly Rae Jepsen is actually 26 years old. Bitch just acts and dresses like a 14-year-old Mickey Mouse Club reject who still draws pink hearts over all her is. But I guess that fact still makes her naked pictures every layer of NOT RIGHT.

TMZ says that back in March, Carly Rae called the Vancouver Police Department to report that an anonymous tipster told her that someone snatched pictures of her...well....snatch....from her computer. After investigating the tip, the police declared that she had been hacked and they already have their eyes focused on one possible hacker.

When these tricks start to become famous, their publicist, or whoever, should really tell them that if they don't want their nipple knobs and fuck parts wallpapered all over the Internet, they should do at least one of the following things:

1) Don't take pictures of your naked body.
2) If your ass must, keep your face out of the picture and use your finger to hit the delete button as soon as those pictures make it to their destination.
3) Change the timestamp on the camera to a date weeks before your 18th birthday, so you can at least try to play the Minka Kelly card.
4) If a piece insists on a naked picture of your ass, just do what half of the hos on Craigslists' Casual Encounters section do. Send a naked picture of some random you found on the Internet. Actually, don't do that, because nothing is worse than showing up to some hook up's apartment and finding out that instead of looking like Ryan Gosling (like he did in his picture), he looks more like current day Ryan O'Neal. And since you're such a dedicated slut, you do it anyway since you did come all that way.

And yes, like with most things in life, we can blame this on Justin Bieber.

 
This Is News: The Wife Of Kristen Stewart's Side Trick Deletes Her Twitter Account (UPDATE) Top

If you're the loved one of a Twihard and had some bad news to tell them... First of all, I'm sorry you're the loved one of a Twihard. Second of all, last night would've been the perfect night to tell them your bad news even if it was something like, "Your dad is divorcing me, because he just found out your biological father is Michael Lohan and your new puppy just died after eating and choking on the autographed RPanttiez you traded one of your kidneys for." They wouldn't have cared, because they'd be too busy scrubbing out the "Robsten 4Ever" Sharpie tattoo on their chest to replace it with a "Die Kunsten Stewfart" Sharpie tattoo. So you missed an opportunity if you didn't drop that bad news on them last night.

Just hours after Twihard Meltdown 2012, Liberty Ross, Rupert Sanders' wife and the actress who played Kristen Stewart's mom in that Snow White shit, left a few mysterious messages on Twitter. Liberty followed UsWeekly (!!!!), re-tweeted some Marilyn Monroe quote (!!!!!) and then tweeted the word "WOW" (!!!!!!!) before deleting her account.

I know. All this suspense has left your ass on the edge of your seat. But I'm guessing you're on the edge of your seat, because your only response to this is a fart and there's nothing worse than suffocating a fart on the seat of your office chair. Let it be free.

But really, this is more staged and choreographed than a John Travolta and Kelly Preston photo-op. The pictures, the deleted Twitter account... They planned all of this shit. Since Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes ended their contract marriage with some serious dramatic theatrics, Kristen and RPattz are trying to show them up. Whatever, at least this staged escandalo stunt has given us priceless response after priceless response from Twihards on Twitter and Tumblr. You should really take a moment to dive into the delusional craziness by searching the Kristen Stewart and Robsten tags on Tumblr and Twitter. Either they don't want to believe or they're out for blood. I thank those crazies for giving me the laughs by calling Kristen and Rupert, "Ho White and the Cuntsman."

UPDATE: Click here to see the receipts from UsWeekly of Rupert giving Kristen a shoulder beej and possibly going down on her twatlight in her car. You should hate me for this, but Kristen getting her box chowed on in a parked car makes her like her just a teensy bit.

via E! Online

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 24th! Top

You're making an ass-terisk of yourself. - ProfessorVP

Runners-up:

Pulling production from "Magic Mike: the Foreclosure Years" (aka three weeks) club owners moved the party into the parking lot. - Ida Smackter

Visible abs, bright orange, and looks like an idiot - looks like the next season of Jersey Shore is a go. - jazzfish_77

More reason to boycott Chic-fil-A: Even their parking lot is part of a hate group. - Datura

via Evil Milk

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

The Noid, the bunny suit-wearing asshole who did whatever it took to keep you from getting a Domino's Pizza in 30 minutes or less.

In the 1980s, Domino's came up the Avoid The Noid campaign to market their "30 minutes or less" promise and that shit was everywhere. There was a video game for MS-DOS (if you remember MS-DOS and had one, you're old with me) and The Noid craze reached a fever pitch when a crazy named Kenneth Lamar Noid thought the ads were personally attacking him so he held two employees hostage inside of a Domino's in Atlanta (they got out safe, he got arrested). I know I shouldn't give Hot Slut honors to a douche bag in a red latex fetish suit who hates delicious pizza, but The Noid is totally misunderstood. That's all. The Noid doesn't hate us pizza eaters, he's just a crackhead. I mean, wandering pupils, always cackling, wears fucked up clothes and tries to kill the smell of pizza. Yeah, total crackhead.

(For Michele)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Matt LeBlanc (45)
James Lafferty (27)
Tera Patrick (36)
Michael C. Williams (39)
Illeana Douglas (47)
Bobbie Eakes (51)
Darren Star (51)
Thurston Moore (54)
Iman (57)
Verdine White (61)
Barbara Harris (77)

 
And Every Twihard Just Melted Into A Puddle Of Sparkly Misery Top

In case you haven't looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn't resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she's trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart's people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People's "source" said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

"Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn't having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn't have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She's a good person who just made a bad choice."

They should've just said that Kristen's lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that's why her mouth was on Rupert's mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what's going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew's contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.

 
Christian Bale Visits The Victims Of The Aurora Shooting Top

There was a huge campaign on Tumblr, and I think Facebook too, asking Christian Bale to visit the victims in the Aurora shooting dressed as fucking Batman! Out of all the things the victims need, seeing Batman in their hospital doorway, even if he is carrying a bouquet of carnations, is probably not one of them. Just a guess. So thankfully, when Christian Bale did an awesome thing today by visiting the victims, he left his Batman mask in the closet.

TheDenverChannel says Christian didn't want to turn this into a huge STUNT QUEEN situation, so he rode to the hospital in an ambulance to keep the media from finding out. Christian showed up to the hospital at around 2 this afternoon and spent around two and a half hours hanging out with several victims including Carey Rottman, who posted this picture with Christian on Facebook. Warner Bros. said that Christian went on his own and he wasn't there representing the studio.

Well, this was a completely amazing thing of Christian Bale to do and makes me feel all warm in the chest area, and I usually only get that feeling when my laptop overheats on my chest while I'm watching porn. I know some of us are fans of Christian's bitchy on-set meltdowns, so don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back to screaming his tonsil skin off at an assistant director by this time... Wait, what time is it? Oh yeah, he's probably back on the set and screaming  "OH GOOOOOOOD FOR YOU" at an assistant director right now. A crazy with a heart, that Christian.

 

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