Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Sherman Hemsley Has Passed Away Top

If you haven't already, put on your helmet and get ready to dodge all the "he's finally moving on up" jokes on Twitter and Facebook. TMZ says that TV icon Sherman Hemsley has gone on up to the great, big deluxe apartment in the sky (you should've dodged that one) today at the age of 74. Sherman died at his home in El Paso, TX and his cause of death is not known yet, but the police believe he died of natural causes.

Sherman was originally from Philadelphia, but moved to New York when he was young to work as a postal worker by day while taking acting classes at night. Sherman made his Broadway debut in Purlie and that led to Norman Lear casting him as George Jefferson on All in the Family. From there, The Jeffersons were spun off into their own show and history was made. After The Jeffersons run ended after 11 seasons, Sherman went on to star in Amen and Dinosaurs. Sherman regularly worked with his TV wife Isabel Sanford until her death in 2004.

Rest in peace, Sherman. You're now up in heaven, dancing to Nektar with the angels.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Katie Holmes did an interview with C Magazine just a day before she knocked the plug out of Tommy Girl's butt by filing for divorce and she managed to get through it without screaming, "I'M ALMOST FREEEEEEEEEEEE!" - Lainey Gossip

This is the look: Jennifer Aniston as a Volvo-driving, sandwich crust-cutting, KMart-shopping, 50 Shades of Grey-reading mom - Celebitchy

The Carly Rae Jepsen beej tape that doesn't really star Carly Rae Jepsen. I think. - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

David Beckham makes children cry, ladies swoon their nipples off, eyeballs pop out of sockets, etc.... - Towleroad

But the real story here is, how did Casper Smart's toddler frog looking ass get into an adult store without getting carded? - The Superficial 

I see someone was inspired by Courtney Stodden's opulent arm bracelet - Hollywood Tuna 

BREAKING: Lea Michele manages to pose in front of photographers without busting out a sexyface - Popoholic

Chris Evans must really want to get them zits popped proper - ICYDK

DO play this prank on your wife - Videogum

Boy George does Blahna Del Meh's Video Games - Just Jared

Panty Creamers of the Day: Men in mantyhose - The Berry 

"Ohshit, I have to fly commercial too?!" - Suri Cruise - Popsugar

I think I spot Latrice - OMG Blog

Correction to my previous statements: Stacey Dash CAN do wrong and she has with this mound of musical dingles - Crunk + Disorderly

How Jennifer Aniston spends her Sunday afternoons - Cityrag

Jon & Kate + 8 - Jon + Some Dude - I'm Not Obsessed

Hermione Granger might get tied up and slapped around - Hollywood Rag

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 24th! Top

via Evil Milk

 
TJ Jackson Wants Temporary Guardianship Of Michael Jackson's Kids Top

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson's Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito's son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she's going to beat Rebbie's ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he's expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson's Estate and MJ's kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we're talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn't in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson's luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don't say anything, but she's deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don't blow her cover!

 
Open Post: Hosted By Jesse Metcalfe's Spectacular Rack Top

Every part of me is so happy that Jesse Metcalfe didn't copy his fiancee Cara Santana (the star of the upcoming masterpiece Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva La Fiesta!) by covering up his divine tit turnovers with a bikini top, because then we'd never get all of this sexiness. There must be some serious pheromones in the nectar that drips out of Jesse's chichi knobs, because Cara is crawling on that shit and begging him to let her motorboat him right on that yacht in Cabo San Lucas. If Cara is on Jesse like that on a yacht, imagine what she does behind closed doors. She probably rips off Jesse's Cross Your Heart bra and screams at him to give her the fever by making them titties bounce. Foreplay to Cara is watching Jesse run topless on the treadmill. And yes, I'm mad that Cara gets to witness that and I don't.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

What Real Housewife has secretly been taking birth control pills without telling her husband. He thinks they are trying for a baby. She thinks it may be time to get divorced and wants no part of a baby with him right now. It's not RHNYC or RHATL. (CDAN)

It's not Alexis Bellino from Real Housewives of Orange County, because I doubt she knows where babies come from let alone that something called a birth control pill exists. If the dumb bitch knows about the birth control pill, she probably thinks it's something a knocked up ho in labor takes to slow down labor so she has enough time to get her nails done, wax her coochie, slip on her Alexis Couture diamante birthing gown and get her make-up done for free at the MAC counter at Nordstrom. Always gotta keep it glamorous, even on the birthing table.

It's not Teresa "Gorilla Head" Giudice and Joe "Lame Chimp" Giudice, because I read in National Geographic, or something, that Animal Control caught those two in the wild, tagged them and sterilized them both so they can't spawn anymore.

So, my official guess is Melissa and Joe Gorga?

This A list R&B singer has always shown he can and is an a-hole, but even with his past track record this might have brought him to new levels of a-holiness. His now former girlfriend is telling everyone that for the past year she was forced to watch the singer have sex with at least one person a night if she wanted to stay with him. She put up with it because he would pay her and give her gifts and she always thought he loved her. In addition to this demeaning activity, he would also make her have sex with his friends because he was not always up for having sex with her. With other people yes, but not always her. I hope you see where I am going with this. When he couldn't perform with her he would yell and scream at her and blame her. He tried to not hit her. Most of the time. (CDAN)

When you put the words "R&B singer" and "a-hole" in the same sentence, only one name come to mind: FIST BROWN? The bad news is that Karkuchie Tran (or whatever her name is) thinks she's digging for gold, but she's digging up a whole lot of bad memories wrapped in shit instead. The not-as-bad news is that since that anus of a beaver doesn't want to hump on her, she doesn't have to worry about riding his gross inner tube dick.

Which seemingly innocent Teen Mom star likes to mellow out with marijuana? "She's a good girl, but she does fall prey to the pressures of her troubled family," a source tells Star. (Star via Blind Gossip)

I hate when people say "ALL OF THEM," but is there any other answer? Don't all Teen Moms turn their baby's bottle into a bong at one point or another?

Which member of One Direction seems to want to be such a prolific shagger that access to much of UK's female population might not be enough for him? Some photos of him have been floating around on Gaydar. (Popbitch via Blind Gossip)

There's not many things I'm proud of in life, but one of the things I am proud of is the fact that I don't know any of those One Direction twinks by name. My guess is: whichever one is having a high-pitched tantrum on the floor right now, because he can't connect to Grindr.

 
Laugh To Keep From Crying For Help: The Prince Albert & Princess Charlene Interview Top

Prince Albert of Monaco and his imprisoned, contract wife Princess Charlene sat down for an interview with CBS This Morning and it's exactly the kind of interview you'd expect from a couple who never fuck, can't stand each other and are only together for image purposes. "Awwww, memories" said Katie Holmes.

When Holly Williams asks Princess Charlene how she's enjoying married life, she nervously and awkwardly laughs before letting out some canned answer. If you put a microscope up to that laugh, you'd see the words "HELP ME! OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A STRONG ROPE SO I CAN HANG MYSELF FROM THAT BOOM MIC!" encoded into it. At one point, Prince Pierced Peen calls a time out on the interview while Princess Charlene wishes she can call a time out on her life. Princess Charlene is then asked what qualities drew her to Prince Albert and again, she laughs to keep from saying that it wasn't a quality that pushed her into the arms of her husband, it was a pistol pointed at her back by an armed guard. An interview between John Travolta's hungry hole and a vagina would be less awkward than this. It's a mess.

As Lainey points out, Princess Charlene only looks happy when she's laying her eyes on the hot swimmers. When she's with Prince Pierced Peen, who really does look like a pierced penis head (swollen and confused), she looks like she's trying to find a door or window that isn't locked. If this icy interview came in cube form, you could use it to make the vodka on the rocks you'll need to down to get through this bizarre as all hell conversation.

 
Mimi Will Be the Highest Paid Reality Show Judge, Dahling! Top

Somebody hand me a lamb so I can ask it to double slap me in the face for having the audacity to write yesterday that Mimi accepted a paltry, poor person's wage of $12 million to be a judge on American Idol for one season. JLo made only $12 million for her first season of Idol, Brit Brit is making around $16 million for her first season of X-Factor and Xtina is making $10 million for her third season of The Voice, so how dare I even think that the Rainbow Unicornie Princess of Pink Diamond Luxury would ever agree to make the same or less than those cheap Dollar General whores.

People says that Mimi's deal is worth $18 million for her first season and she has the option to renew if she wants to. This deal makes her the most overpaid judge on a reality show ahead of Brit Brit and Howard Stern (who gets $15 million for America's Got Talent). Simon Cowell doesn't count since he also gets paid for being an executive producer and each one of his furry tit pies gets 7 figures each for just being.

Thank the Sanrio gods for this news. All is well again. Mimi's FOX check is bigger than JLo's FOX check. And now I know that if you put $12 million in front of Mimi, she wouldn't even let her Hello Kitty sneeze on one of those bills. I'll never make that mistake again!

Here's the discount trick Mimi replaced having a pre-birthday dinner last night at Cipriani in NYC with some people and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger. I'm assuming Mimi was kind of enough to tell the restaurant to charge JLo's meal to her account since JLo ONLY made $12 million for her first season of Idol. I mean, JLo can barely afford a sheet cake from Costco and a 1/2 chicken dinner special from Juan Pollo.

 
White Oprah's Still Got It Top

Every now and again, the original Lohan grifter needs to remind herself that she's completely shame deficient and still has the skills needed to successfully swindle a trick. The bitch still does! Page Six says that the master con artist behind the infamous Cookie Puss Scheme of 2010 and her brother Paul Anthony Sullivan, who was convinced of fraud in 2008, were guests at a charity event in the Hamptons. The organizers of the event gave White Oprah four free tickets, but she showed up with 8 hos in total, because everything you say to a Lohan goes in one ear and out the left nostril. Not only did White Oprah show up with 8 whores, but she skipped out on a $2,500 check and didn't even leave a coke booger for the servers. "I am so shocked by this!" said ONLY Lindsay Lohan since the coke mash of delusion in her head is always in opposite land.

The charity event was held at Andrra restaurant and all proceeds benefited the Clamshell Foundation. (I know, I don't like it either that the Clamshell Foundation sounds like a pet name Lindsay Lohan gave to her 'gina.) After the event, White Oprah and Brother Paul were served with a bill for $2,500 and they immediately exploded into a whiskey tornado of crazy. A source says that Brother Paul screamed at the organizers and they agreed to lower the bill down to $1,100. But instead of paying that $1,100, White Oprah, Brother Paul and their gang of charity haters skipped out without even leaving a penny. The owner of Andrra, Rich Silver, confirmed that White Oprah didn't pay shit, but he wouldn't say anything more.

Of course, Brother Paul is right on time and let out this river of denial:

"This is a total lie. My written and verbal agreement with Rich Silver was to comp dinner for 8 to 10 guests, six people ate. There was not to be any bill. Then you get a bill for $2,500?

Dina was strictly invited as a guest and had nothing to do with paying anything. This is totally false. There is no bill to pay. I paid $500 for drinks, and I will wire a tip tomorrow."

"I will wire a tip tomorrow" is a good line. We have to give that Brother Paul. And if Rich Silver gives up his wire details to White Oprah, he shouldn't be surprised if suddenly thousands of dollars are mysterious wired from his account to several off-shore accounts. Speaking of not being surprised....

What did the organizers of that event expect? When you invite a Lohan to your party, you're going to be left with an empty bar, a toilet clogged with booze barf and at least half of your valuables missing. That is why when you make the mistake of inviting a Lohan over, you should immediately replace all your silver coke spoons with Dixie plastic coke spoons and you should hide your valuables in a safe place the Lohans will never go...like a shower.

I doubt White Oprah only skipped out on the check. That's some amateur shit (see: pictures of LiLo leaving Mr. Chow last night after probably skipping out on the check.) I bet that during the event, Cody Lohan was outside by the valet stand with dirt on his face, a fake cast on his leg and a cup for people to slip 20s in since everyone was in the charity-giving mood. Then White Oprah sashayed out, barked at Cody to give her 75% of his take and gave the valet guy a ticket she slipped out of a dude's jacket while inside of the party. They drove off in a stolen Mercedes and headed straight for the Lohan family chop shop.

 
The Jackson Family Is Still A Mess Top

TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, "No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet!"

The L.A. County Sheriff's department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin' their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough... or for looking at him funny... or for not having his money on time... or for speaking without permission...or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn't say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could've been because of the Jackson family's latest messy situation.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson's estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn't even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they're trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar's sources said this:

"Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael's estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.

Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it's possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.

The siblings' motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money."

This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ's estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it's like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.

Katherine Jackson's lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a "diabolical plan" (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it's best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.

"Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson's home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson's children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael's children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.

Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons' concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael's minor children.

We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with."

And here's some video from GMA this morning of Janet and Jermaine Randy getting crazy at the house:

Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn't that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don't get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can't they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?

Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.

 

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