Monday, July 2, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Night Crumbs Top

Robert Smith or Rosie O'Donnell caught in a tornado? And yes, I'd STILL hit it. - SOW

Sort of picture proof that Mila Kunis is cleansing her coochie with Ashton Kutcher's douche dick - Lainey Gossip

Blake Lively's 4-year-old nephew was really laughing at her naked body because he had already seen that shit on the Internet - The Superficial

The Pet Shop Boys have a new song and I'd like it a lot more if its video was nothing but Anderson Cooper sprinting out of the glass closet over and over again - Towleroad

If you're on Manhunt and come across a trick with the username ButtFucking4Xenu, you now know why - Manhunt

Miranda Kerr fights the hotness by bleaching her mop - Hollywood Tuna

Derek Hough butches it up with his hags - Drunken Stepfather

DKNY goes for the wet cardboard demographic by using Ashley Greene in their ads - The Berry

Gucci goes for the boiled cauliflower demographic by using Blake NotSoLively in the ad for their new perfume - ICYDK

Kelsey Grammer's fourth wife has got the "barefoot, pregnant hillbilly slaving over a hot stove" look down - Celebitchy

Ireland Baldwin looks thrilled to be basking in the glow of newlywed love - Just Jared

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence pulls her own luggage - Popoholic

Mimi and all the other tricks and tramps from last night's BET Awards - Popsugar

Alec Baldwin quit Twitter again - I'm Not Obsessed

Dear dog, please take one of those Buds. You're going to need a drink before you look at yourself in the mirror. - Cityrag

Herp Inn Express coming to a town near you - Hollywood Rag

Yes, Patti Stanger is still an asshole - Videogum

One of the Facebook founders married a real-life Ken doll - OMG Blog

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 2nd! Top

via Helen of desTroy

 
Meet The Other Pitt Top


Now Brad Pitt isn't the only Pitt with a foreign endorsement deal. Virgin Mobile Australia hired Brad's brother Doug Pitt to star in a new campaign that will give him a taste of his brother's lifestyle. Um. Doug gets a taste of Brad's lifestyle every year when he's flown on a private jet to Brangelina's French chateau to eat Chicken McNuggets with the child army in the private McDonald's Angie had built in the basement. But seriously, I don't know if Doug is turning up the dork all the way for show, but damn he's like equal parts Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, Brad in Burn Before Reading and every white suburban dad I've ever met. What I'm saying is that he's my new favorite Pitt.

But still, am I really supposed to feel sorry for Doug?  Doug has better fashion sense than Brad and if that's really his house, then he's living it up in a McMansion in a fancy ass neighborhood. Doug's chonies probably smell like the potpourri sash his wife leaves in his underwear drawer and that is called LIVING THE DREAM. Doug is doing better than fine. Come on, Virgin Mobile Australia, where's the "Meet Solange Knowles" campaign?

via AdWeek

 
Open Post: Hosted By Bruce Jenner Top

That's Miss Brucie, if you're nasty.

Here's the real beauty of the Kardashian family sprinkling sugar on everyone's tongue with his sweet poses at an autograph signing in Bensalem, PA over the weekend. One fan asked Bruce to sign an old Wheaties box and that box might make you think that he was so, so hot before Pimp Mama Kris slurped the life out of him and replaced his soul with globs of Botox, but I disagree. Pre-plastic surgery Bruce was so bland, so boring, so generic, so TYPICAL MALE. But the plastic surgeon's scalpel opened him up into the beautiful and glamorous woman he is today. The Bruce of today can glaze a donut just by puckering at it. Everything on Bruce is perfect from his Zales diamond studs to his pulled face to his immaculate eyebrow situation to his pink-tinted lip gloss to his manicured fingers. I really want to see Bruce, Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova together in Showtime's new show, The Real L Word: The Golden Years.

And since Bruce has been a full-fledged Kardashian for a while now, isn't it time for him to legally change his name already? I'm thinking Kandy Kardashian.

 
Katie Holmes Has Pink-Slipped EVERYBODY Top

Right after Katie Holmes went down to the Geek Squad and had them remove all the brainwashing-viruses Scientology installed in the hard drive in her head, she pushed the enema deeper and continued to cleanse her life of all things Tommy Girl-related. TMZ says that after Katie filed for divorce and moved into her own apartment, she dropped the bodyguard and driver that Tommy assigned to her when she became his contract concubine 6 years ago. Katie also quit the publicist Tommy introduced to her and re-hired the PR firm she had before her bearding days. Bitch is seriously flushing the shit from her life like colon-obsessor GOOPY Paltrow on any day of the week.

TMZ says that Katie shot an episode of Project Runway All-Stars (yes, ANOTHER Project Runway All-stars) in NYC today and she showed up with a whole new team of bodyguards and a different driver. Some source says that Katie let go of her old bodyguards, because their in Tommy's corner, obviously.

Instead of firing her old bodyguards, Katie should've just poured holy water over their Scientology-made robot heads and softly cackled as their power grids malfunctioned before they shut down completely. That way all the data they collected on her in their hard drives would be lost FOREVER!

Some people have been saying that Katie gladly signed a bearding contract years ago and knew what kind of crazy she was getting into, so what happened for her to suddenly bolt? Well, TMZ says that Tommy really wanted to ship Suri off to Sea Org, which is like a Scientology boarding school where they brainwash the children into believing the words of a science fiction writer. The kids are sent to live there at the age of 6 and parents are not allowed. Katie got out of there to save Suri's soooooouuuul.

You know, those crazy Scientology bitches would probably have more members if they accepted kids as young as 2 into that Sea Org mess. Yes, brainwashing a kid at any age is wrong, but have you ever spent some time with a terrible two year old? They'll drive you to pick up the phone, dial 1-800-GET-XENU and say, "Hey Scientology, tell me about this Sea Org shit..."

 
It's Naomi Watts As Princess Diana Top

I forgot that this was happening, but this is definitely happening. Naomi Watts is in Croatia shooting the movie Caught in Flight, which IMDB says is only going to focus on the time in Princess Diana's life when she had an affair with heart surgeon Dr. Hasnat Kahn (played by Sayid from Lost). So yeah, unfortunately there won't be a scene in the movie of Princess Diana giving birth to an orb of ginger sunshine and naming him Prince Harry.

These are some of the first pictures of Naomi in full Princess Di drag and I don't know. In some angles, Naomi looks so much like Princess Di that "Candle in the Wind" starts playing in my head and in other angles, she just looks like Naomi Watts in a reworked Leif Garrett wig. Whatever, I'm sure she'll pull it off and if she doesn't, at least she can recycle that wig and wear it to play Tina Brown in a biopic.

 
Duck, Duck, Duck, Whore! Top

The dude in the tux who looks like he just inhaled a stank cloud of dirty ass blowing at him from his left IS saying it all with his face.

At last night's BET Awards, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye Kardashian (née West) all held court in the front row while Kim Kardashian sat there like the loser outcast trying to get the popular kids to look at her. This is what it would look like if a celebwhore was forced to spend a full hour with a Make-A-Wish kid and that Make-A-Wish kid was a real asshole. Seriously, this looks like Beyonce is doing charity work she really doesn't want to be doing.

The side-eyes, laughs and the "if I fake smile big enough nobody will notice that I'm grossed out by that trash heap heffa whore" facial expressions from Beyonce and Jay-Z were almost more hilarious than Jay-Z wearing one of Pee-wee Herman's old suits. But Beyonce did try to include Kim in their royal Illuminati triangle. It was nice of Beyonce to make Kim feel at home by wearing a dress the color of piss. Jay-Z however, didn't even try. When Jay-Z and Kanye won Best Video or some shit, Jay-Z reached into his pocket, pulled out a Post-it with "KICK ME" written on it and stuck that shit on Kim's back:

And it's a sad, sad day when a photographer crops Basement Baby out of the picture to make way for Kim's ass. Nothing hurts more than getting kicked back down the basement stairs by a Kuntrashian.

 
Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, Everyone! Top

The line I've been waiting to hear from Anderson Cooper ever since my irises turned into silver hearts while watching him on Channel One in junior high school homeroom has finally leaped off of his tongue. Actually, let me correct that. The line I've been waiting to hear is: "Michael, here's a one-way ticket to my fox hole, just for you." So is the second most important line I've been waiting to hear.

The Daily Beast's Andrew Sullivan asked Andy Coo about his thoughts on Entertainment Weekly's story about famous gay people subtly coming out without a parade or a People magazine cover. The Silver Fox said the words "I'm gay" and explained why he hasn't totally sashayed out of the glass closet before. I just want to let it be known that it's really hard to type while a tidal wave of puckers takes over my body:

I've also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.

The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn't be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I'm not an activist, but I am a human being and I don't give that up by being a journalist.

And he goes on:

In my opinion, the ability to love another person is one of God's greatest gifts, and I thank God every day for enabling me to give and share love with the people in my life. I appreciate your asking me to weigh in on this, and I would be happy for you to share my thoughts with your readers. I still consider myself a reserved person and I hope this doesn't mean an end to a small amount of personal space. But I do think visibility is important, more important than preserving my reporter's shield of privacy.

Yes, I hoped Anderson would come out this July 4th by painting the words "I PROUDLY LOVE PEEN" on his naked body in silver glitter paint before shooting himself out of a cannon over the Hudson while white fireworks spell out the message "THE WORLD CAN END NOW" in the night sky, but I'll take this.

Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, everyone! Let's all join hands and skip through the forest as baby silver foxes giggle together in happiness!

 
Rupert Murdoch Is Watching You, Scientology Top

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you're doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he's not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard's weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 29th! Top

Earl Scheib: "$399? We're not goin' near it for under 5 large." - RandéSleepover

Runners-up:

Miley figured she'd have to do something extra special to get another free double-double at the drive-through window.- turnelbup

The new Ford Fuckus gets 2 miles a gallon and has a 6 month waiting list - Chilly

How many Miles Per Whore does this thing do? - El Bastardo

via EF

 

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