Monday, July 2, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, Everyone! Top

The line I've been waiting to hear from Anderson Cooper ever since my irises turned into silver hearts while watching him on Channel One in junior high school homeroom has finally leaped off of his tongue. Actually, let me correct that. The line I've been waiting to hear is: "Michael, here's a one-way ticket to my fox hole, just for you." So is the second most important line I've been waiting to hear.

The Daily Beast's Andrew Sullivan asked Andy Coo about his thoughts on Entertainment Weekly's story about famous gay people subtly coming out without a parade or a People magazine cover. The Silver Fox said the words "I'm gay" and explained why he hasn't totally sashayed out of the glass closet before. I just want to let it be known that it's really hard to type while a tidal wave of puckers takes over my body:

I've also been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible. There continue to be far too many incidences of bullying of young people, as well as discrimination and violence against people of all ages, based on their sexual orientation, and I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.

The fact is, I'm gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn't be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.

I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I'm not an activist, but I am a human being and I don't give that up by being a journalist.

And he goes on:

In my opinion, the ability to love another person is one of God's greatest gifts, and I thank God every day for enabling me to give and share love with the people in my life. I appreciate your asking me to weigh in on this, and I would be happy for you to share my thoughts with your readers. I still consider myself a reserved person and I hope this doesn't mean an end to a small amount of personal space. But I do think visibility is important, more important than preserving my reporter's shield of privacy.

Yes, I hoped Anderson would come out this July 4th by painting the words "I PROUDLY LOVE PEEN" on his naked body in silver glitter paint before shooting himself out of a cannon over the Hudson while white fireworks spell out the message "THE WORLD CAN END NOW" in the night sky, but I'll take this.

Happy Silver Fox Coming Out Day, everyone! Let's all join hands and skip through the forest as baby silver foxes giggle together in happiness!

 
Rupert Murdoch Is Watching You, Scientology Top

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you're doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he's not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard's weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 29th! Top

Earl Scheib: "$399? We're not goin' near it for under 5 large." - RandéSleepover

Runners-up:

Miley figured she'd have to do something extra special to get another free double-double at the drive-through window.- turnelbup

The new Ford Fuckus gets 2 miles a gallon and has a 6 month waiting list - Chilly

How many Miles Per Whore does this thing do? - El Bastardo

via EF

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Kevin Nash, WWE wrestler, actor and the greatest thing in Magic Mike (SPOILER ALERTS) next to the vomit-slurping micro pig and a cameo from Joe ManJello's silicone dick in a peen pump.

Because horny hos couldn't stay away from seeing Matt Boner's bouncing bare nalgas, Magic Mike didn't flop at the box office this weekend, but I still give that shit only two and a half fap strokes out of 5. There was way too much plot, way too much talking, most of it look like it was shot through an Instagram filter, Channing Tatum's beige matte lipstick was not the look and the main girl's annoying face needed to go away completely.

That main girl, Cody Horn, apparently only got the role, because her daddy is the president of Warner Bros. Bitch obviously didn't get the role because of her acting skills. She whined out every single line and when she wasn't whining with her mouth, she was silently whining with her face. The entire role needed to be chopped, though. When you go to a movie about dick-swinging, ass-jiggling male strippers, the last thing you want to see is some annoying hag judging all the male strippers for being male strippers. Bitch would always be like, "Stripping is wrong. Don't be a stripper. Drugs are wrong. Don't do drugs. Fun is wrong. Don't have fun." Bitch needed to shut her mouth and stop cock-blocking the audience. There's no whining in male stripper movies and the world definitely doesn't need ANOTHER Tori Spelling.

But there was one bright shining star that made me temporarily forget about Cody Horn's annoying face and that bright shining star was Kevin Nash. Kevin played Tarzan, a permanently stoned human brick of a stripper who spread panty butter all over the audience with his smooth moves. Keep your eye on the left and prepare to salivate:

I'm sure a paraplegic geriatric gorilla with a suppository stuck up his ass could bust out sexier moves than that. Seeing Kevin Nash show us all the moves he learned at The Herp Derp Dance School was definitely worth the price of admission.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Lindsay Lohan (26)
Ashley Tisdale (27)
Johnny Weir (28)
Michelle Branch (29)
Olivia Munn (32)
Dan Renzi (38)
Yancy Butler (42)
Monie Love (42)
Jose Canseco (48)
Jerry Hall (56)
Saul Rubinek (64)
Larry David (65)
Polly Holliday (75)
Imelda Marcos (83)

 
The Eyes Of Scientology Are Watching Katie Holmes (UPDATE) Top

This post definitely needs a soundtrack:


Katie Holmes is probably used to having the eyes of Scientology handlers glued to the back of her head so she doesn't take swimming lessons, fake her death on a yacht trip, run away to a small town and fall in love with Kevin Anderson. But TMZ says that since Katie Holmes is going hard at Tommy Girl by filing for sole custody of Suri, Scientology has stepped up their spying game. For the past few weeks, two SUVs have been trailing Katie's every move on the outside and several paparazzo who regularly stalk the estranged Bride of Scientology tell TMZ that the dudes driving those SUVs are not the paparazzi or from the tabloids. Cut to Katie opening up her medicine cabinet and finding that all of the butt lube bottles in there are turned with their labels facing out. They're watching you, girl!

None of this is surprising since I'm sure the top (and bottom, and versatile) queens of Scientology are not happy that Katie is trying to take away their golden child and screwing with Princess Tommy Girl. Katie has even moved out of the NYC apartment she shared with Tommy. TMZ says that in the past few weeks, Tommy has checked into a hotel every time he's been in town and hasn't slept one night in TomKat's apartment. Katie is living in a new apartment she rented weeks ago to prepare for the day she ripped her marriage contract straight in Tommy's face. Also, Katie filed for divorce in New York, because she has a better chance of getting sole custody of Suri here. But Radar says that Tommy is taking off his earrings, putting on all his chunkiest rings and slathering his face with Vaseline, because he's ready for a fight. Tommy's lawyers will respond to Katie's divorce filing this week by asking the New York court to move the case to California. Tommy will file his own divorce papers in California for both tax reasons and Suri-getting reasons. Tommy doesn't want anyone to think their primary residence is in NYC, because that will fuck with his taxes.

I bet in a galaxy nearby, L. Ron Hubbard is punching his Thetans right in the face. Now Scientology knows that the media is watching them watching Katie's ass. But still, Katie should still go to Matt Lauer's apartment and make him drool into an empty perfume bottle. Then she needs to spray the essence of glib all over her body. Those Scientology crazies won't get near that scent. Or she can just always wear a long coat made of antidepressants. Because those creepy alien whores are scarier than John Travolta's chomping-at-the-bit anus and they're really capable of anything.

UPDATE: One of the lawyers for Scientology deny their following Katie and we should believe him, because it's not like everything that comes out of Scientology's mouth is the opposite of the truth.

Here's a few pictures of the two SUVs allegedly busting some Scientology surveillance shit on Katie. I also threw in some pictures of a sad Tommy being sad on a sad helicopter ride.

 
Alec Baldwin Got Married, Managed Not To Curse A Bitch Out While Doing So Top

28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.

People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.

You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:

Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

BeaverTails from Canada's BeaverTails pastry shop. BeaverTails are a Canadian slab of fried dough deliciousness covered in cinnamon, sugar and whatever else your tongue wants to get on. It's like a Canadian churro and it can double as a spank paddle. BeaverTails also sort of sounds like "Beiber tails," which makes me think of....forget it. Not today. Not on this national holiday!

Unfortunately, we don't have BeaverTails down here in the US so I have to make my own by microwaving a long slab of Bisquick dough in a Tupperware container full of canola oil and cinnamon. Then I'll spend the rest of my day watching Heavy Metal the movie and episodes of You Can't Do That On Television on YouTube in my Celine Dion t-shirt while getting drunk on Molson to temporarily forget that Canada gave us Nickelback. Happy Canada Day, everyone!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Pamela Anderson (45)
Hilarie Burton (30)
Liv Tyler (35)
Sufjan Stevens (37)
Claire Forlani (40)
Missy Ellliot (41)
Julianne Nicholson (41)
Henry Simmons (42)
Karen Mulder (44)
Andre Braugher (50)
Carl Lewis (51)
Evelyn "Champagne" King (52)
Dan Aykroyd (60)
Terrence Mann (61)
Fred Schneider (61)
Victor Willis (61)
Debbie Harry (67)
Geneviève Bujold (70)
Twyla Tharp (71)
Karen Black (73)
Wally Amos of Famous Amos Cookies (76)
Jamie Farr (78)
Leslie Caron (81)
Olivia de Havilland (96)

 
Open Post: Hosted By David Arquette's Huge Ass Wonder Woman Tattoo Top

During an interview on the Zarin household's favorite show Bethenny, David Arquette showed everyone what's he been up to ever since he dried out in rehab and his wife Courteney Cox filed papers to legally quit his ass. David has been spending a lot of time getting poked by the tattoo needle and he proved that by lifting up his shirt to show the gigantic mark of the nerd on his torso. Dude gave Wonder Woman a whole lot of real estate on his body. If nerds could cum tattoo ink, that's what their cum shots would look like. Well, if David's piece ever gets bored while riding him, she can open the flashlight app on her iPhone, lean to the left and read something to pass the time.

via DM

 

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