The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Kleptohan Is A Suspect In That Jewelry Heist
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 27th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Reverend Jesten Peters
- Katie Holmes Is Keeping All The Jewels Tommy Gave Her
- Rosie O'Donnell Got Married
- Kim Kartrashian Finds Another Excuse To Show The Internet A Picture Of Her Triple Stuffed Ass
- The Birth Of Venus Ain't Got Shit On This
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
LeAnn Rimes (30) | |
| Kleptohan Is A Suspect In That Jewelry Heist | Top |
Like nobody saw this mess coming, but TMZ says that the LAPD think that known crackburglar Lindsay Lohan and her assistant Gavin Doyle are the ones who snatched $100,000 in watches and sunglasses during an all-night crack party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills last week. Because duh, when shit goes missing, that bitch snatched it. The next time one of my She-Ra socks goes missing from the dryer, I'm just going to put the blame on LiLo. It will be a fact. When the police tried to interview LiLo at the house the morning after the theft, she pretty much flashed an F U nail at them and denied that she had anything to do with it. The owner of the house Sam Magid originally told the cops that he thought two of LiLo's friends did it, but later on he changed his story and said nothing was stolen. Even though Sam says that no crime was committed, the police are still investigating the theft and LiLo and Gavin are the two main suspects, because two independent witnesses saw some incriminating shit. The LAPD contacted LiLo's lawyer to schedule an interview, but she told them to eff off again. LiLo is still on probation for that other jewel theft case, so if she's charged with anything, she could go directly to jail. To which, Lady Justice responded with: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My guess is that Sam and LiLo were in on some insurance scam together, but when the police started sniffing too much, Sam called the whole thing off. Or LiLo did snatch those watches and when the police started sniffing too much, she gave the jewelry back and threatened to give Sam a hand job if he went to the cops. I've won a few games of Clue: The VCR Mystery Game, so I know what I'm talking about. But really, another jewel heist? LiLo already stole some jewelry. You'd think she would've moved on to bigger shit like a bank robbery, a Ponzi scheme or an e-mail scam or something. But she's staying a small time trick. Dumb bitch isn't even growing as a criminal! | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
Which early '90s badboy reality star, who's now married with children, has found love away from his manipulative and cheating wife…with another MAN? The hard-partying personality, whose cast mates once referred to as "homophobic," is this close to coming out as gay! Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
This former famous mistress, who helped send her ex-lover to jail for murdering his wife by testifying for the prosecution at his trial, is now turning tricks for money in Thailand! She's so broke that she's telling friends she had to turn to the world's oldest profession just to make ends meet. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
This superstar made lots of promises to help these people in a foreign country, and received tons of publicity as a result. However, you would be hard-pressed to find locals who still have a lot of love for her. That's because when the publicity waned, so did her interest in helping. She has almost completely abandoned the project, leaving locals even worse off than they were before she got there. (Blind Gossip)
Which global star is cheating on his A-list American wife with a member of his entourage? (People.co.uk via Blind Gossip)
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| Night Crumbs | Top |
Thank you to Paper and Ezra Miller for showing us what Bjork looks like when she drags herself out of her oxygen chamber to take her kids to school in the morning - Just Jared Somewhere Johnny Depp is sighing with relief, because his douche-alike John Mayer finally chopped his greasy mop. And somewhere in Santa Fe, a grandma is filing a police report, because John Mayer stole her necklace. - Lainey Gossip LeAnn Rimes looks like a traumatized and malnourished gecko who just looked at itself in the mirror - Cityrag "The defense calls President Obama to the stand!" - Amanda Bynes while representing herself in her hit-and-run case - The Superficial Some Mormon-owned NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City is refusing to air The New Normal, because it has gay people in it or because Mormons are strictly on Team Sheree - Towleroad Katy Perry's wearing a rosary and some big chonies, and all she needs is a chancla and she'd be one step closer to completing her Catholic abuelita look - Hollywood Tuna Double the displeasure, double fug - Drunken Stepfather Where was bumper car champion Amanda Bynes when we really needed her? - The Berry Angie Jolie uses "Dragon's Blood" when rubbing the menstrual fluid of virgin orphans on her face doesn't quite give her skin the glow she's looking for - Celebitchy If you get mouth kissed by a stranger today, send your bill for Zovirax cream to Anna Faris and Chris Pratt - ICYDK MiserAlba has the same hair color as every one of my Salvadoran cousins who played with a bottle of Sun-In and lost - Popoholic Ciara becomes the face of the most exclusive house of beauty in Flatbush - Crunk + Disorderly Hilary Duff's baby is not happy about being forced to wear those booties - I'm Not Obsessed I bet that tramp Duchess Kate has been teaching PHG how to cook - Hollywood Rag The Texas T-Rex is shrinking - Popsugar Ron Paul is the new Marky Mark - Videogum Tom Daley half-naked in motion - OMG Blog | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 27th! | Top |
via Metro | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Reverend Jesten Peters | Top |
| Hurricane Isaac (who looks like this, obviously) is headed for Louisiana, and Louisiana has Reverend Jesten Peters and her congregation at the Keys of Authority Ministries to thank for that, because they prayed hard for the hurricane to take its bitchy ass far away from the Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL. It worked, because God reset Hurricane Isaac's navigation system and pushed it away from Tampa. Rev. Peter said this to the CBN (via Towleroad):
Now that they have successfully prayed Isaac away, Rev. Peters and her congregation should pray for God to give her at least another inch of brows, because a high-ranking lady of the lord should have an eyebrow situation that takes souls higher. Also, every time I pray to God, I hear the sound of a click followed by a dial tone. It's really weird. So maybe Rev. Peters and her congregation can pray that a naked Prince Hot Ginge (or just a naked ginge with a working ginge peen, or just a naked ginge without a working peen but an extra large carrot in his hand... I'm not picky) lands on my front door. Only they can ayúdame. | |
| Katie Holmes Is Keeping All The Jewels Tommy Gave Her | Top |
Instead of taking my Prego jar full of loose coins (I call them loose coins, not because I found them in my pockets, but because they're really slutty) to Coinstar this weekend, I took it directly to Barney's and emptied it into the crystal Suri Cruise Foundation bowl next to each cash register. Because Suri Cruise is only getting $33,000 a month from Tommy Girl and so she needed our help more than ever or she would've been forced to wear the same pair of Jimmy Choos twice in one week. But everything has changed, because Katie Holmes has millions of dollars worth of jewels and handbags she can pawn off to keep Suri's feet slathered in luxury. Radar says that every time Tommy bought himself a canary diamond-encrusted butt dildo, he bought Katie a piece of jewelry, so she has a ton of expensive pieces. Even though Katie didn't get a pile of money in her divorce settlement, Tommy let her keep all of the jewelry he gave her like a solid gold ball gag, platinum handcuffs, a pure onyx ball with chain and a cashmere computer cover that he'd put over her head at night so dust wouldn't get into her ears and screw up her internal hard drive. The source type put it like this:
Give them to Suri? Like Suri wants to wear used shit. Tommy put a tracking device in every single one of those pieces of jewelry, so Katie should pawn half of them and then she should invite Lindsay Lohan over, so that crackburglar can steal the other half by shoving all those jewels up her cooch. Let those tracking devices lead Tommy straight up into LiLo's chocha. If that doesn't destroy him, I don't know what will. And everything is right in the world. Suri is rich again and Katie has once again realized that her daughter is much too delicate to walk on the same ground that mortal peons walk on. Suri should ALWAYS be looking down at the world. | |
| Rosie O'Donnell Got Married | Top |
All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O'Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type "knot," but klit came out and so I'm keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O'Donnell became a wife for the very In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can't get a husband. Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:
If Rosie recited one of her "poems" during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she's a truly dedicated gold digger or she's willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it's made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster. Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O'Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it's only August, so there's room for many more. And yes, that's me elbowing Oprah and Gayle. | |
| Kim Kartrashian Finds Another Excuse To Show The Internet A Picture Of Her Triple Stuffed Ass | Top |
The only good thing Wonky McValtrex has contributed to humanity is this quote she gave about Kim Fartrashian's ass: "It reminds me of cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag." When this picture from Instagram of Kim's heffalump ass landed in my inbox, my dog jumped off the sofa, ran under the bed and it felt like a Hefty bag full of thick curdled cottage cheese punched me in both eyes. I hate Kim for making me laugh at something Parasite Hilton once said. Bitch ain't right for that. Because Hell's furnace will be turned off unless Kim's 9th planet ass trends on Twitter at least once a day, she posted this picture to Instagram and said that she thinks those jeans make her butt look too big. Um, no. Those jeans make her butt not look like a butt. That ass looks like an 18 wheeler tire that was overstuffed with Fix-A-Flat. If you ever wanted to know what it would look like to see two hos in inflatable rubber fetish suits try to wrestle, just look at that picture again. No wonder Kanye's last song was called "Mercy." That's what he screams when he's licking on Kim's culito lips and the iron speculum holding her ass cheeks apart breaks and her double walls of doom start closing in on his face. Here's Kim wearing one of them many shitty outfits Kanye bought her while making her way into church with Kourtney Kardashian and Kourtney's two kids. Yes, that dark-sided whore went to church. I guess every now and again you have to see what the enemy is up to. | |
| The Birth Of Venus Ain't Got Shit On This | Top |
At the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy this morning, workers took down Botticelli's Birth of Venus and replaced it with this set of La Duquesa de Alba in a bikini pictures, because this is some real art that will splash your eyes with salty exquisiteness and diamond-dusted glamour. Venus had a good run, but the bitch is dusty and now it's time to pay homage to a fresh new modern day goddess of the sea. The Daily Mail burned the tips of my eyelashes last week when they published a glorious gallery of pictures of the 86-year-old klingon dandelion the Duchess of Alba making bitches bow down in the sand at a beach in Formentera, Spain. Well, since yesterday was a holy day, the Duchess of Alba was back at the beach and with the help of her lady-in-waiting and her 61-year-old man toy of a husband, she cleansed the ocean water with the drops of holy nectar that seep out of her pores. Or she cleansed it by peeing. Either or. The olds of my family are always saying shit like, "Getting old sucks." I don't know what they're crying about. Getting old is the best. You can curse out a kid and get away with it. And as these pictures prove, you can put on a two-piece and any hate thrown at you by younger bitches will have zero effect on you. Because any fucks you had left in your being, were humped out of your body earlier in the day by your 61-year-old hot piece. | |
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