Sunday, September 2, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Dlisted's New Magazine Of Choice: "Whore" Magazine Top

If one of my relatives handed me this magazine before saying "I got my first cover!", I'd grab it, frame it with the finest frame Aaron Brothers had to offer and hang it with pride right over my fireplace (aka radiator). Every time someone (aka my dealer or the Fresh Direct guy) came over, I'd brag about the jewel of my family by showing them the cover. Then after I eventually learned the truth and found out my family member's on the cover of "Where" magazine and not "Whore" magazine, I'd rip it off the wall and throw it into the trash where it belongs. Then I'd curse the art director at Where magazine for fucking with my emotions.

via Buzzfeed

 
Vanity Fair Exposes Tommy Girl's Beard Grooming Habits Top

The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta's head, he's giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair's cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl's third beard wife.

Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy's wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes' simple ass. Vanity Fair's Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by "disrespecting" Scientology's other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.

After Nicole Kidman's marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who'd obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who'd keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige's wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He's Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy's third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.

The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she'd been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the "suppressive person" title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.

On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy's hotel suite, but they didn't bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn't make a 9" dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin's access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy's production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy's ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, "I get more love from an extra than I do from you." Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra's peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That's real love.

Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy's face, because they didn't think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:

According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, "Excuse me?" when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication "land" is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, "Mr. Miscavige doesn't remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.")

Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn't ever supposed to talk about being Tommy's beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you've ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.

NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.

Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair's story.

None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that's not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy's next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

The exquisitely elegant dress that Lady Mary Charteris wore to her wedding to musician Robbie Furze in England on Friday.

I was watching some dumb wedding show like My Fair Wedding with David Pooteraorwhateverhisname a few weeks ago and he said that a bride should choose a wedding gown that is so timeless and classic that she would wear it again in 20 years. Lady Mary Charteris definitely followed his advice when she chose this graceful and demure wedding dress designed by Pam Hogg (the genteel yellow-haired rockabilly cowgirl in the pictures a below). In 50 years from now, our children will gasp at the perfection of this same gown when Prince William and Duchess Kate's granddaughter wears it to her royal wedding. It's timeless enough to be a royal family heirloom.

It's what the Slut Dress would give birth to if it made beautiful pure love with a harlequin angel on top of a swan lake. Grace Kelly is somewhere up in heaven, slapping herself with a white silk handkerchief for not wearing this work of sophistication to her wedding. Would you expect anything less from a genteel lady who has the "lady" title in her name?

And five seconds after the picture above was taken, those dusty pink roses shriveled up and died, because they knew they could never compete with the sheer beauty of Lady Mary's gown.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

The Empress of Lucite (forty one-derful)
Aimee Osbourne (29)
Katt Williams (39)
Cedric "K-Ci" Hailey (43)
Camille Grammer (44)
Cynthia Watros (44)
Salma Hayek (46)
Tuc Watkins (46)
Lennox Lewis (47)
Keanu Reeves (48)
Linda Purl (57)
Mark Harmon (61)
Mary Jo Catlett (74)

 
Seal's Tip To Heidi Klum: Don't Fornicate With The Help Top

The rumor is that Heidi Klum's bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin's Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi's rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it's kind of hard kissing Heidi's rose when Martin's dick is shoved into it. Heidi's cooch: one day you're in, the next day you're out, because the bodyguard's up in there.

Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:

"Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there's new people in their lives. I don't expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there's going to be somebody in their lives I'd much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would've preferred is if...um... I didn't expect any better from him, I would've thought Heidi would've shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help."

Heidi wouldn't say if she's fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don't know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith's tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she's getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don't know, but I do know that Seal's next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.

Here's Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.

 
Bieber's Got A Gun Top

Justin Bieber tweeted this picture of him playing with a gun on the set of Selena Gomez's new movie and I don't know what's more disturbing: The Lesbeaver trying to look like the hardest member of a toddler lesbian gang when he really looks the opposite of bad and you just want to grab that toy gun from his tiny hands, pat him on his floppy head and tell him to go to tell his mommy to change his Pamper because it's starting to stank. Or am I more disturbed by the demons of the Illuminati showing themselves in Selena's eyes? That's the look you see on a bold and dark-sided raccoon's face when you catch it going through your trash and it don't care. I think I'm equally disturbed by both. This picture shows us that it makes the demons happy when babies play with guns.

And Bieber kept the disturbing images trend going by tweeting this picture of his new kween crown tattoo.

Well, at least he got a Photoshop artiste to erase the naked Usher standing behind him.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Pizza Hut's Squirting Crust Pizza!

Pizza Hut Malaysia has finally solved the biggest dilemma facing cum sluts today. Many a cum slut would love to bite into a juicy pizza, but it's hard for them to put their mouth around something that won't shoot a load of sticky white gooeyness into the back of their throat. But now, sluts can have the best of both worlds thanks to Pizza Hut Malaysia's new squirting crust pizza. When you bite into that long mound of dough, a glob of processed cheese and sauce made from chemically produced tomatoes will plop into your mouth. Then later when you're rinsing the nasty taste from your mouth with Listerine, you'll feel whole again.

Thank you, Pizza Hut Malaysia! Because most of us like our pizza like we like our dudes: doughy and oozing out cheese.

Source: WTAM via Fark

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Bill Kaulitz (23)
Tom Kaulitz (23)
Scott Speedman (37)
J.D. Fortune (39)
Ricardo Chavira (41)
Padma Lakshmi (42)
Gloria Estefan (55)
Dr. Phil (62)
Barry Gibb (66)
Lily Tomlin (73)

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Yes, ASkars can still bring on the panty pudding even when he looks like he's having a constipated moment on the toilet - Just Jared

JLo and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger need to get themselves some umbrella hats - Lainey Gossip

I just called to say I love you...but not in a gay way - Towleroad

If you woke up this morning and shouted, "I really want to see some girl from iCarly in a bikini," then please have a seat over there and look at these pictures while I tell Chris Hansen he can jump out of the pantry now - The Superficial 

Our Lady of Cheetos is in a bikini and showing us her exquisite taste in home decor - Hollywood Tuna 

Lady CaCa derp-ing with her titties out - Drunken Stepfather

The future Mrs. Chad Kroeger is still making clothes for angsty tweens from 2001 - The Berry 

The National Enquirer is publishing entries from Taylor Swift's Strawberry Shortcake dream diary again - Celebitchy

This will only work if Justin Bieber plays Anastasia Steele (I hate myself for knowing the character names) - ICYDK

It was nice of Amanda Seyfried to pick up whatever is left of Lindsay Lohan's dignity - Celebslam

Hilary Duff really needs one of those 80s t-shirt clips to really complete the look - Popoholic

A very subtle attack of the clones - Cityrag

Milla Jovovich is a regular Lindsay Lohan - Hollywood Rag 

Forget getting arrested for head butting your wife of a minute, nothing is worse than finding out that you're not in Madden 13 - Crunk + Disorderly 

You know Taylor Swift-Kennedy wanted to show up wearing a pillbox hat and pearls - Popsugar

Yes, you can find man nalgas in a place called Beaver Falls - (NSFWish) OMG Blog 

Sage Stallone didn't die of an overdose - I'm Not Obsessed

 
Open Post: Hosted By 2 Hamsters, 1 Wheel Top

So...this is what it's come to: a video of 2 hamsters double teaming a wheel. On that note, I'm off to get day drunk at the beach and hopefully you'll get drunk with cuteness from this video. Just try not to think of Richard Gere's b-hole having ecstasy seizures while watching this hamster porn.

via VVV

 

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