The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- This Is The Face Of A Man Who Once Had Butt Sex With A Coke Pill
- Well, Color Me Happy! There's A Sofa In Here For Two!
- Papa Joe's (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Lil Wayne Just Keeps Having Seizures
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 26th!
- Meat Loaf Hates America
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Julia Roberts (45) | |
| This Is The Face Of A Man Who Once Had Butt Sex With A Coke Pill | Top |
Yesterday, we larned (typo and it stays, because I want to speak with a Honey Boo Boo accent today) that Rod Stewart didn't have to get his stomach pumped, because he never overdosed on sailor cum. Uh huh. And today, we're learning that back during his drug days, Rod Stewart regularly got on all fours and begged to be butt banged hard by a coke pill. Yes, we know Rod Stewart like THAT now. I don't like it either. In his new memoirs Rod Stewart: Farting Up Coke and Barfing Up Cum, he writes that he wasn't ever addicted to the bad shit in a serious way, but he did dabble in drugs and found creative ways to get high. But Rod writes that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was hooked on coke and didn't want to mess up his nose, so they shoved coke pills up their no-nos. Rod and Ronnie were both coke's bottom bitch. Rod explained it all to Access Hollywood (via NYDN):
Lindsay Lohan's Hoover of an asshole isn't impressed. Coke suppository? That's amateur hour. LiLo can stand with her back facing a fat line of coke 100 feet away and all her b-hole has to do is inhale just a little bit and BOOM! Bitch's butt sucks up that line before anybody even notices. You know, I'm all for sticking what ever it is you want up your own sugar tunnel. If it makes your nipples sweat and does you right, then go for it. But I CAN'T with snorting coke up your ass. Don't give me that "but it numbs it good" shit. If you want to numb your anus, just make it watch Brad Pitt's Chanel commercial. It will knock out before he can say "journey." It will go to bed hating you, but it will still go to bed. Besides, do you really want coke breath of the butt and do you want your ass lips to start grinding? No peen wants to go near grinding ass lips. Deal breaker. | |
| Well, Color Me Happy! There's A Sofa In Here For Two! | Top |
Since Miley Cyrus is going around lately looking like a 1990s hooker, it took me a minute to realize this wasn't Miley in her usual grocery store-going outfit. This is Julia Roberts' niece and Eric Roberts' daughter Emma Roberts going to a Halloween party with her dude Evan Roberts from American Horror Story (Note: His last name is Peters, but I felt like I really needed to make you overdose on Roberts by typing the last name Roberts one more time. Roberts.) Because Emma Roberts really wanted young bitches to come to her all night and say, "OHMYGAWD, you're dressed like your auntie in that old movie that plays on AMC. How cute!", she dressed up like her auntie in Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts never looked like a real-life pussy peddler to me and neither does Emma Roberts, so she pulled off the faux hooker look. But it's Evan Peters I'm throwing hate at. Dude didn't even dress up. Don't try to tell me that he's wearing a costume, because I refuse to believe he is. That's how he normally dresses, because that's how everyone in L.A. normally dresses. Evan missed out on a huge opportunity. Evan could've thrown a severe white wig on his head, put icy blue contacts in his eyes, bought a black ruffled hair bow from a store that specializes in hair accessories from the early 90s for bitchy toddlers and gone as the most pivotal character in Pretty Woman. Evan could've been the Snobby Saleswoman #2 to Emma Roberts' Vivian. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! No post about Pretty Woman is complete without the original GOOP, Marie. Mitt Romney should've picked Marie as his running mate, because nobody hates on the poor like she does. | |
| Papa Joe's (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink | Top |
If Radar and The National Enquirer are both spreading the truth, then Papa Joe Simpson really does like to squeeze and lick the cream out of a Twinkie. The National Enquirer turned the knob and opened up Papa Joe's closet door earlier this week when they said that his marriage turned to butt dust when he told his family that he loves the dick. The Enquirer's source said that Papa Joe was slapping nuts with a 20-something boy toy and Radar thinks they know who it is. Radar says that 21-year-old "aspiring model" Bryce Chandler Hill has been bragging to the gays in West Hollywood that he's climbing his way up the fame ladder by climbing on top of Papa Joe's good Christian dick. ONTD might've found some proof in this little flirty exchange on Twitter been BC and PJ last July. I don't know if it's because of that outfit or that flirty tweet from Papa Joe, but my b-hole just twitched itself into a temporary coma. Radar's source says that Bryce met 54-year-old Papa Joe through TJ Espinoza, a back-up dancer and one of Jessica and Ashlee's friends. Even though Papa Joe was lounging in the back of the closet with the lights turned off, Bryce was still blabbing about how he was boning and using Papa Joe to get ahead. None of Bryce's friends believed him until this week. The source put it like this:
Bryce said on Twitter that this story is made of lies. I should've known that Papa Joe's type would be a tanning bed-cooked twink who has side swept bangs just so he can fill the air with gold glitter when he flips his hair like a Breck Girl while dancing shirtless to a Robyn song in the middle of a WeHo gay club. The kind of twink who sprays Victoria's Secret passion fruit body mist on his bleached butt flower. That would be Papa Joe's type. But you know, I feel sorry for Papa Joe. I don't feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's getting played by a spotlight-fucking, gold digging piece of tampon lint. I feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's obviously trying to twinkify himself. Have you seen those tragic pictures at TMZ? Dude looks like Gary Busey as Ellen DeGeneres. Papa Joe needs the right gays around him. Papa Joe needs someone to tell him that wearing that sweater is only okay if you're a Wakefield twin and that hair just made Ken Paves stroke his favorite shears and promise them that he'd never ever make them commit a hair massacre like that. Papa Joe's hair is a level 10 tragedy. And that white iPhone? No words. A mid-life crisis should not involve peroxide. It just shouldn't. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
David Leisure, the actor who played Charley Dietz the man whore slut of Miami on Empty Nest! Empty Nest was not only a spin-off of the most important television show in the history of television, Golden Girls, but the characters were sort of kind of the same. Dr. Weston was the Dorothy (actually, I'm still not convinced that Dr. Weston wasn't played by Bea Arthur in man drag), Barbara was the Sophia, Carol was the Rose and Charley Dietz was the Blanche (if you sucked all the charisma and tang out of Blanche and replaced it with the ability to annoy every trick in a 100 foot radius). Those who majored in Golden Girls and minored in Empty Nest in college can correct me, but I'm pretty sure Charley Dietz worked as a pilot (but Wiki says he worked on a cruise ship) and he put more miles on his peen than he did on the planes he flew (or the ships he cruised on). Charley's job was to be the town man whore and to regularly annoy the pubes off of Dr. Weston's daughters Carol and Barbara. Charley was scuzzier than dick cheese and more irritating than a cold sore on your anus, but my love for sluts is unconditional, so he was always my second (next to Laverne) favorite character. David Leisure also used his gift of annoying the shit out of people to sell Isuzus. I HATED Joe Isuzu. To this day, I refuse to give a handy in an Isuzu* because of Joe Isuzu. * That's a lie. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Scott Weiland (45) | |
| Lil Wayne Just Keeps Having Seizures | Top |
Lil Wayne was on a flight from somewhere to somewhere last night when he had a seizure and the pilot had to make an emergency landing in Texas. Lil Wayne's rep said that was suffering from extreme migraines and dehydration. Yeah, migraine and dehydration. That's what his rep is going with. Anypullmydickharderwhydontyou, then today, Wayne got back on a plane headed to LAX and his body decided to not cooperate again. Wayne had an encore seizure while on the flight to LAX and the flight had to land in Louisiana. TMZ says that when they landed in Louisiana, Wayne was taken to a hospital in Kenner and was treated there for a good minute before he was released. Wayne's rep denies that he had a second seizure and says he's been resting at home with a migraine. But TMZ isn't backing down and they are sticking with their story that Wayne made two trips to seizure-ville in 24 hours. I'm not even going to speculate about what's causing Wayne's body to freak out. It could be one Purple Drank too many. It could be some condition none of us know about. It could be because his mega sperm hasn't fertilized an egg in the past 48 hours and it tried to jump out of his body. ("But I thought you weren't going to speculate." - you "Stop narc-ing on me, shit!" - me) I don't know what it is, but Wayne should probably stay off a plane, lay down face up and make one of his assistants pour an entire Sparkletts water jug into his mouth. Oh, and he should also get a pussy massager to work on his temples: | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
How can Adrien Brody's piece resist the urge to suck on his hung nose when he puts his face so close to hers like that? - Lainey Gossip Not pictured: Men throwing themselves at CoCo's feet and women throwing up their hands because they have given up on everything after seeing such exquisite beauty - Hollywood Tuna California GOOPIN' - The Superficial Meryl Streep is not having Julia Roberts' diva bitch ways - Celebitchy Cheryl Tweedy has a calendar - Drunken Stepfather This week in unnecessary censorship (Side note: I watched that Survivor episode and kept waiting for dude to start making out with other dude's butt) - Towleroad Bobbi Kristina is doing well.... :/ - Gawker That gutter ass wig makes Brit Brit look a little Connie Britton-ish in the face - Buzzfeed It's been much too long since we've seen Renee Zellweger's puckery lemon face - ICYDK Jared Leto is like the Cristo Redentor of L.A. - The Berry Minka Kelly's nipples are staring at me - Popoholic I wonder if Jennifer Aniston and Katy Perry had an intense conversation about John Mayer's David Duke dick - Popsugar That picture of Ross William Wild's ass is confusing me. Is that a glass ceiling he's lying on or are mirrors involved? It's trickery! - OMG Blog Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson look like 4th graders during an earthquake drill - Just Jared Shocking, dumb bitch is a dumb bitch - Crunk + Disorderly Mischa Barton lives - I'm Not Obsessed Ryan Gaycrest must pay Julianne Hough well - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 26th! | Top |
via Izismile | |
| Meat Loaf Hates America | Top |
| That is the only reasonable explanation I could come up with for why Meat Loaf caught, beat, skinned, cooked, ate, threw up, ate again, shat out and stomped on the song "America the Beautiful" at a Mitt Romney campaign event yesterday. John Rich, Big Kenny and Randy Owens all came out and sang normal, but then Meat Loaf opened his mouth and out came a flaming bag of drunk squirrels. The bat went back to Hell after listening to this mess. Meat Loaf broke it down like an evangelical preacher trying to scream the demon out of you. I kept waiting for Meat Loaf to put his palm against Romney's forehead. I rebuke this shit. And can we just get to the part where Meat Loaf apologizes and checks into a treatment center for "exhaustion." First, Meat Loaf goes wild on America's sweetheart Gary Busey and then he kills "America the Beautiful." There's a chair in a mental hospital admitting office that's waiting for Meat Loaf. | |
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