The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 3rd!
- Lisa Turtle Is Bipolar, So Says Her Mom
- Open Post: Hosted By Terrence Howard And Oprah
- What Happens When Cameron Diaz And Terry Richardson Get Together
- Eric Johnson Might've Cheated On Jessica Simpson With His Ex-Wife
- Richard Belzer Gives Nazi Salute To Fox News
- Fist Brown And RiRi Are Boning In Club Bathrooms Now
- Get It Together, TVGuide!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 2nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 3rd! | Top |
via TDW | |
| Lisa Turtle Is Bipolar, So Says Her Mom | Top |
The entire Internet simultaneously shouted SANTO DIOS! this past May when Saved By The Bell's Lark Voorhies gave an interview with a whole lot of WTF smeared all over her face. It was obvious that something wasn't right and some speculated that snorting the wrong kind of illegal drug made her do herself up like a LeAnn Rimes impersonator on the white face circuit. But Lark's mother Tricia tells People (via Yahoo!) that her daughter isn't hooked on the bad shit. Lark suffers from mental health issues including bipolar disorder. Everything about that last sentence makes me want to gently chin hump a teddy bear while crying myself to sleep. Tricia says that even though Lark takes medication for her bipolar disorder, she doesn't want to get psychiatric help and hasn't exactly embraced finding the right treatment that works for her. Tricia wouldn't get into any details, but told People that Lark had a mental breakdown due to several traumatic experiences in her life. Lark's divorce from her husband in 2001 and her career not going anywhere after SBTB didn't help her mental situation. Nowadays, Lark lives with her mother in Pasadena, barely has any friends and doesn't really leave the house. People had to interview Lark twice, because the first time they talked to her she stopped talking mid-sentence, stared blankly into nothing and mumbled to herself and imaginary people. Basically, Lark went full Amanda Bynes. In the second interview, they asked Lark why she seemed out of and she said that she's very spiritual and they caught her in moments of prayer. Lark admitted to People that she hears voices in her head, but the doctors don't know what it is and can't treat it. "Over-loving" is what Lark called her mother and said that nobody needs to form a prayer circle around her, because she's fine. She's not sick and she's busy working on her music career and writing books. So let's recap: Lisa Turtle mumbles to herself, hears voices in her head, lives with her mother, never leaves the house and doesn't have any friends? Should my ass be worried, because that's basically me in two weeks. And like with most shitty things in life (including that brow situation), let's just blame all of this on Screech. Someone really needs to citizen's arrest his ass. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Terrence Howard And Oprah | Top |
Here's Terrence Howard trying to sniff through the cigarette smoke-infused air to get to the sweet scent of Oprah's freshly baby wiped butt. There's a good reason for why Terrence Howard is making a sexy "Oh, I just wanna wipe up that butt baby-style" face and that's because he's shooting a love scene with The Mighty O. Oprah Instagram'd this picture of her and Terry on their last day of shooting Lee Daniels' The Butler. Oprah said that this was their "goodbye love scene." A tramped up Oprah and a slicked back Terry Howard getting on each other like that? Let's all join a weeping Gayle King in the corner, because this scares and hurts me too. via WOW Report | |
| What Happens When Cameron Diaz And Terry Richardson Get Together | Top |
Cameron Diaz tells Esquire UK (via Daily Mail) what every actress tells magazines: she LOVES getting older and she's never felt this good in her life and feels better at 40 than she did at 25. BLAH BLAH BLAH. If you don't believe Cameron, then spend some time with the exquisite portraits of subtle elegance that Terry Richardson took of her for the magazine. Nothing says confidence like squatting out an invisible turd while looking like a truck stop morning-shift stripper who gives her customers a handy behind the dumpster for a half pack of Kools. That last sentence was delivered with zero sarcasm, because a jean jacket paired with black garters is the perfect picture of class and confidence. Cameron also said a bunch of other things and I'd like to think she said them out loud while Terry Richardson was telling her to pop that pussy for his camera: Cameron says this about being 40: "For the first time in my life I'm content. I'm so excited. Getting older is the best part of life. Like, I know more than I've ever known." The pictures say: "Look at my ass! I'm 40!" Cameron says this about being 40. Yes, she's still talking about being 40: "I have gratitude. I know myself better. I feel more capable than ever. And as far as the physicality of it, I feel better at 40 than I did at 25." The pictures say: "You know you still want to fuck me! I'm 40!" Cameron says this about having kids: "There's still a possibility of that, I ain't that old. Believe it or not, I'm feeling very... capable." The pictures say: "You know you want to fuck a baby out of me! I'm 40!" Cameron says this about never getting married: "I'm smart! No, it's hard to say. It just wasn't the thing I was drawn to. I certainly didn't want it in my 20s. Or my 30s. So we'll see. I'd always wanted to get hitched in Vegas at least three times." The pictures say: "You know you want to fuck me three times in Vegas! I'm 40!" Cameron says this about being all-natural: "There's no such thing as anti-aging. You can't go back in time. So for me, it's about living in this moment, the best that I can. Contentment is about coming to terms with life as it is." The pictures say: "Look at my hot, sexy plastic titty balls! I'm 40!" So in case you didn't get the message: Cameron Diaz is still hot and she's such a lady that she farts out the words "style & substance." We get it, Cameron. | |
| Eric Johnson Might've Cheated On Jessica Simpson With His Ex-Wife | Top |
Long before Eric Johnson's sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric's NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that's not what Eric Johnson's skeezy dumb ass did. A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife's vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he'll step out on Jessica again:
Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn't smell the difference. That's a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn't for Jessica, Eric probably would've had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn't afford it and he'd be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up." | |
| Richard Belzer Gives Nazi Salute To Fox News | Top |
| Actor, foolery maker and comedian Richard Belzer was on Fox 5's Good Day New York today, which is sort of surprising since I can't believe they have time to interview guests in between giving us the weather every 3 seconds. But anyway, they had Richard Belzer on to talk about Law & Order: SVU and stuff, and who ever is in charge of hitting the bleep button nearly had an aneurysm in their censorin' finger when he started making jokes about ass rape. Richard also topped his ass rape joke by giving out a special "Heil, gurl, Heil" to Fox News. The ridiculousness started when one viewer said that Good Day New York's co-host Dave Price looks like a clone of Richard Belzer. (Side note: I definitely have different eyeballs than that viewer, because I don't see it at all. Richard Belzer looks more like a mix of white Obama and a scholarly Galapagos turtle to me.) Co-host Rosanna Scotto said that Dave should play Richard's brother on SVU and Richard responded with: "If he gets molested and banged in the ass." The side-eyes and nervous laughs from the hosts was Richard Belzer's cue to say goodbye, so he did it by making the Nazi salute for Dave and Rosanna's colleagues at the other Fox division. Richard's rep told TMZ that it was all just a joke: "[It was] satirical gesture toward Fox News ... whose ideology he is opposed to. The other portion was a joke pertaining to the material of Richard's TV show, which he tweaked at the last minute to make about furniture. A joke is a joke." What an irresponsible, stupid and dangerous thing to do! If Mad Mel Gibson was watching with the sound off and didn't know Richard Belzer was Jewish, he'd want to bang Richard in the ass before Jacuzzi. In this day and age, the Nazi salute is also sign language for "Please bang me in the ass before Jacuzzi, Mel Gibson." Richard should know better. For shame. | |
| Fist Brown And RiRi Are Boning In Club Bathrooms Now | Top |
A million years ago I walked into the bathroom of some goth club in L.A. and listened to (and saw) some drunk, stumbling mess in the first stall get the barfs from the butt and miss the toilet. I thought that was the most disgusting shit (punned on purpose) to ever happen in a club bathroom, but that mess was nothing compared to what happened in the bathroom of the NYC nightclub Griffin on Tuesday morning. Both Page Six and the NYDN say that in the bathroom of the Griffin, RiRi and Chris Brown got physical, only this time she didn't end up in the emergency room. Some witness tells Page Six that RiRi showed up to the club after Fist Brown did and sat at a table near his. Fist Brown made his way to RiRi's table, lifted up his shirt and the two started freaking on each other and mouth fucking. You'd think that the bathroom would already be occupied by people barfing their souls out from watching those stupid bitches get gross on each other, but it wasn't, because RiRi and Fist Brown went in there together. When they came out of the bathroom, the witness says RiRi looked a little "ruffled." Fist Brown and his entourage of dick bags left at around 4 in the morning and RiRi followed five minutes later. Hollywood Life says that RiRi went back for more, because she was partying with Fist Brown at 1 Oak last night. Sometimes dickmatization is a serious disease and will fuck you up in more ways than one. I'm trash, so I'm all for bathroom sex, but I'm not for having bathroom sex with a nasty ass wart who nearly punched your face into the next zip code. If RiRi is that adick-ded to Fist Brown, she should just stick a pool noodle on an angry beaver toy and ride that instead. It's the same thing and way more safe. Gross bitches, the both of them. Speaking of addiction, I am addicted to House Hunters International and have probably seen every episode at least 5 times. Lately, they've been repeating this one episode from Brazil over and over again. So when I first read this story about Fist bending RiRi over a toilet, my first thought was this: My thoughts exactly, Rafaella. And the same thought goes for the shit RiRi wore yesterday in NYC. | |
| Get It Together, TVGuide! | Top |
Sheree Whitfield of The Real Housewives of Atlanta took a little time out from installing a bidet (aka a garden hose) in the master bathroom (aka an empty coffee can) of her luxurious estate Chateau Sheree (aka plywood walls on a dirt hill) to tweet a few words about the passing of RuPaul's Drag Race queen Sahara Davenport and to also check TVGuide for mistaking her for Sahara. Damn you, TVGuide! Not all drag queens look the same. Sheree only wishes she looked as good as Sahara. The shade of it all, indeed! via Major TV Junkie (Thanks, Lahoma) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 2nd! | Top |
Jim at Petco sighed and got out the big gloves. These were the most inflamed dog anal glands he'd ever seen. - upstatestruggler Runners-up: Muffy could hear the flat irons sizzling in the background and knew it was just a matter of time before she went from poodle to afghan hound, just like her owners. - MeowMeow via Splash | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Something called the inaugural Raks Geek Sci Fi Bellydance competition exists in Chicago every year and at this year's contest this is what happened when a band of Klingons and a bellydancing Wookie made beautiful fuckery together. If you're a Star Wars nerd, then we'll leave you, this video and the furry sock you use as a Wookie fleshlight ALONE. If you're not a Star Wars nerd, then I'm pretty sure watching a Wookie gently hump the air allows you to take a mental health day. And if you're Lamar Odom, then I should tell your ass that this hot lady Wookie's name is Deserae and your lawyers are already drafting those divorce papers. Because Khloe Kardashian is no longer the sexiest Wookie on planet Earth. via Vulture | |
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