The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 26th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Anna Nicole Smith's Daughter Is A Guess Girl Now
- 3.5 Million People Couldn't Say No To A Train Wreck
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By An Interspecies Friendship
- There Will Be A Sequel To Life-Size
- The Kid From Two And A Half Men Wants You To Stop Watching The Show That Makes Him $350,000 An Episode
| NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE! | Top |
Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez both have restraining orders against Gabriel Aubry, and yesterday he got his own restraining order against the French boxer who whooped the hot right out of his face. Gabriel gave these pictures of his post-Thanksgiving beat down face to the court and I'll never understand why the authorities didn't immediately run out and arrest Olivier for crimes against beauty. Gabriel looks like James Cromwell did experiments on him in the American Horror Story lab. Gabriel's got the crazy running through each and every one of his veins, but he went from looking like a thing of natural beauty to looking like Chloe Sevigny's AHS character with a beard on. TMZ says that Olivier told the police on Thanksgiving morning that Gabriel came at him, but Gabriel says it was the other way around. In his declaration to the courts, Gabriel says that on the night before Thanksgiving, they were all at Nahla's school to see her play and Olivier came up to him and whispered in his ear in French, "I wish I could beat the shit out of you right now. You're lucky we're in a school right now. We're going to take Nahla right now and you're not going to follow us." Then Olivier ate 5 dozen eggs, bench pressed 3 blondes and won a spitting match. Bitch thinks he's Gaston or some shit. Gabriel says that the next day, he took Nahla to Halle's house and usually the nanny greets them at the door, but this time it was Olivier. Olivier told Gabriel they needed to talk, but he wasn't having it so he turned around to walk back to his car. Gabriel says that's when Olivier jumped off the stairs, knocked him to the ground and started slamming his head into the concrete. Olivier kept screaming about how Gabriel cost him $3 million. I guess $3 million is what Olivier paid the lawyers to try to get Nahla to France. When Olivier finished beating the French and the Canadian out of Gabriel, he told Gabriel to move to France or he'd kill him. Olivier also told Gabriel that the police were coming and he better tell them he started the fight or else. The "else" is code for "You be dead." Gabriel never told the police about the threats and Halle's "sources" still say he's the one who started the brawl. Gabriel will also go to court today to try to get the judge to lift the restraining order that's keeping him from going anywhere near his daughter. The moral of this story is: If you find yourself falling in love with Halle Berry and she's falling in love with your ass, save yourself the drama, visits to family court and punches to the face by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital. Because if you want to be with Halle Berry, then you are beyond insane. This is what happens to your face on Halle Berry! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 26th! | Top |
They were ready for the mobs, they were ready for the riots but what they were completely unprepared for was for they panty pudding overload at the premiere of the final Twilight. - Ashton Cruz Runners-up: No one minds if Jon Hamm goes commando, as long as he doesn't suddenly spy a hottie. - RandéSleepover Sadly, the Republican live demonstration of how a woman "shuts the whole thing down" during a legitimate rape did not go as they had hoped. - martini girl (Thanks, Megan!) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Glamorous Bigfoot from the commercial for the party game Apples to Apples. Feast your eyeballs on the sexy vision Lamar Odom finds sprawled out on his bed when he comes home at night. This commercial showed up during Liz & Dick two nights ago and I almost didn't know it was a commercial. I thought it was part of the movie. I was about to say that Lindsay Lohan finally looked like a passable Elizabeth Taylor. You now know how Lamar Odom feels right before he surrenders his body to Khloe Kardashian. You don't know whether to ask for a rabies vaccination certificate or pull out a Furminator so you can brush away those dingles stuck to its asshole hairs. You can practically smells its teeth from here. This IS sex: | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Bill Nye (57) | |
| Anna Nicole Smith's Daughter Is A Guess Girl Now | Top |
Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can't believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I'm writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn't Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label....but I still bought acid wash jeans there. The NYDN says that Dannielynn's ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he's not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris' School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn's only modeling gig for now:
I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won't see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids. I'm not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly's children's clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn. And these ads would've been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them. | |
| 3.5 Million People Couldn't Say No To A Train Wreck | Top |
Because of the way Twitter was blowing up last night over the Super Bowl of Suck that was Liz & Dick, I really thought it would be the highest rated basic cable event in the history of basic cable, but it wasn't. 3.5 million pairs of eyeballs all rolled in unison while watching Lindsay Lohan play dress up in front of a green screen. According to Deadline, 3.5 million isn't a number White Oprah should brag about to her back alley pharmacists when she tries to buy illegal Adderall tonight. Liz & Dick wasn't a total flop, but it wasn't a hit either. 6.5 million people watched Lifetime's Steel Magnolias remake and 5 million people watched Drew Peterson: Untouchable starring Rob Lowe. Lifetime is still bragging by saying Liz & Dick is the fourth biggest first-run cable movie of the year, because that is obviously something to brag about. In related news, the Department of Health reported a record 3.5 million people were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last night. It was also reported that there was a record low of births last night, because who in all that is good wants their baby born on the same day as the Liz & Dick premiere? But whatever, I'm sure Lifetime will greenlight a sequel called Liz & Larry and I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will play both Liz AND Larry. Eat it, haters. (GIF via E!) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale looked like rich hipster pilgrims on Thanksgiving - Lainey Gossip When are we going to find out that Alice Eve is Reese Withespoon's British twin? - The Superficial This is not what I had in mind when I Googled "dudes milking themselves in public" - Towleroad Two style icons visit the style emporium of the world - Hollywood Tuna Pimp Mama Kris is still trying really hard to make Kendall Jenner happen - Drunken Stepfather I don't even want to know where Jacksone Rathbone's mayonnaise tattoo is - The Berry Anne Hathaway must hate her gay brother - Celebitchy Every time I see Bradley Cooper's mom, I'm reminded of the horrifying Internet rumor that she was scissoring with Renee Zellweger. I hate the Internet sometimes. - Just Jared Insane Lady GaGa encourages the insanity of her insane Little Monsters - ICYDK Why do I have a feeling that this is what RiRi wears when she lies down on her shrink's leather couch? - Popoholic Oh look, it's the back of Blue Ivy Carter's head - Popsugar Ryan Reynolds looks like he's doing the "sticking hand in pocket to stealthily scratch the peen" trick - SOW The voice of God is for gay marriage (insert "and is also for marriage to your step-granddaughter" joke here) - OMG Blog You know you really love someone when you hose down their caca-covered ass in a car wash - Hollywood Rag In other words: Jessica Simpson has had that poops for the past few months - Cityrag Tater Head shouldn't quit her day job, whatever that is - I'm Not Obsessed And Nahla Aubry thought she had a crappy Thanksgiving - Crunk + Disorderly | |
| Open Post: Hosted By An Interspecies Friendship | Top |
| While doing fisherman stuff in Lake Van, Turkey, a fisherman discovered some Disney movie shit when he watched a fox and a cat play together. Who knew that a fox slowly torturing and trying to eat a cat could look so adorable? | |
| There Will Be A Sequel To Life-Size | Top |
In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child's Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad's new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done. Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she's contributed to the world, because she's coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel. No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor's #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo's character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad's storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo's character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I'm saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house. And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it: | |
| The Kid From Two And A Half Men Wants You To Stop Watching The Show That Makes Him $350,000 An Episode | Top |
| Regularly inhaling Charlie Sheen's coke and call girl snatch breath would make almost any kid run straight to Jesus and that's exactly what 19-year-old Angus T. Jones has done and then some. For the past ten seasons, Angus has played the half man in Two and a Half Men and it's made him the highest paid child actor in television. But every time Angus gets a $350,00 check from CBS, he happily cashes in it and then washes his hands in holy water, because that money is dark-sided and has the blood of Satan all over it. Back in October, Angus shot some kind of testimonial for the Forerunner Christian Church and at the 7:30 mark he tells Christians not to watch the television show that made him a child millionaire. I don't watch Two a Half Men, because it's a total shit show. But Angus thinks you shouldn't watch his show, because it's filled with filth and is probably on Lucifer's Tivo To Do List. Dumbass didn't bite the hand that feeds. He gnawed that shit off by saying this:
Angus then goes on to say that he doesn't want to be helping the enemy and that he can't be a God-fearing person when he's on a show like that and (insert more Christian stuff here). Angus also recently said that he's signed on for another year and that God wants him there for a reason. That video is like his audition tape for The Trinity Network's Two and a Half Christians starring Kirk Cameron and Stephen Baldwin. So basically, Angus is saying he's an undercover agent for God? He's learning about the enemy by working for the enemy? Angus' handler God is totally not going to like that he blew his cover. And I should've done some research before watching this video, because now I'm afraid of the effects it will have on my brain. | |
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