Monday, December 3, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

The IRS Seized All Of Lindsay Lohan's Bank Accounts Top

"DENIED, BITCH!" is what the cash machine will scream at White Oprah today when she tries to use a skimmed copy of Lindsay Lohan's ATM card. Lindsay Lohan apparently owes the IRS more than $233,000 for not paying taxes in 2009 and 2010, and even though Charlie Sheen tried to save her by giving her $100,000, it wasn't enough. The IRS seized all of her bank accounts, which means that every member of the Lohan family will be at the soup kitchen asking where the open bar is.

TMZ, of course, says that the IRS tried to work with LiLo, but they're stick of waiting around for her to pay up and she hasn't even paid her 2011 taxes, so they froze her accounts to try to get paid. One source says that LiLo is freaking out about how her financial situation is rushing down a gutter river headed straight for a storm drain. LiLo is doing whatever she can to pay off her debt with the IRS.

That means we can expect the following headlines from TMZ:

1. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ORGAN TRAFFICKING - TRIED TO SELL BROTHER'S KIDNEY!

2. FBI BUSTS LINDSAY LOHAN'S GERIATRIC PROSTITUTION RING - SHE TRIED TO SELL NANA LOHAN AND ALI LOHAN!

3. LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY STEALING HOMELESS MAN'S $100 BOOTS!

The IRS is so shameless. They're obviously using Lindsay Lohan to get their 15 minutes of fame. They're going to hire Gloria Allred, give interviews to The Insider and start tweeting about how she called them a racial slur. They obviously set LiLo up. They're nothing but publicity whores.

It's a good thing that like every good mess, LiLo keeps all her money in the toilet tank.

 
Prince Hot Ginge Is Going To Be An Uncle! Top

Duchess Kate officially has a royal case of the babies and she's laid up in the hospital, because she can't stop barfing. The Palace announced the news today:

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby. The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news. The Duchess was admitted this afternoon to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter.

December 3, 2012 is the day where I felt jealousy toward a fetus, because it will get its first vodka shot from Prince Hot Ginge at Christmas dinner in a few years and it gets to sit on PHG's lap whenever it wants. And I really hope Prince William and Kate name their kid "Morrissey."

 
Taylor Swift And Harry Styles Go For A Totally Natural And Not-At-All-Staged Stroll Through Central Park Top

If Taylor Swift's friends got a peen for every time they heard her say, "No, for real, it's true love fo eva this time," they'd almost have more dick than her coochie game pulls in on a regular basis.

Serial boy collector, skilled stalker and real estate mogul Taylor Swift has pretty much dropped her dream of becoming Jackie Kennedy Onassis and now she wants to be the Yoko Ono of One Direction. As the One Direction fangirls made Swifty voodoo dolls out of their American Girl Kristen Doll yesterday afternoon, Taylor and her newest 18-year-old piece Harry Styles went to the Central Park Zoo with a baby she kidnapped, because she wants to give the tabloids a file photo to use for when the pregnancy rumors come out. Today, Harry and Taylor will show up to a Starbucks and she'll wear an antique lace wedding dress to give the tabloids a file photo for when those inevitable marriage rumors come out. Taylor is looking out for you tabloid photo editors.

The humanized version of an Electric Dream Phone, Harry Styles, his hairstylist and his hairstylist's baby went to see the sea lions and I'm sure they also fed the ducks, shared a pumpkin spice latte and later curled each other's hair before having a pillow fight on her princess canopy bed. You know, some people are screaming about how Taylor keeps trolling kindergarten playgrounds for boyfriends since lately she's been dating barely legal twinks. But Taylor is a 12-year-old girl trapped in a Pollyanna mannequin, so she's actually dating dudes older than her.

And I'm so mad at that sea lion right now. A dolphin bit a little girl at SeaWorld and this sea lion couldn't keep the trend going by biting Taylor Swift's ass? You disappoint us all, sea lion.

 
SCANDAL (Not Really): Julia Roberts Holds Hands With Julianne Nicholson Top

On Friday, I posted a blind item from CDAN about how an A-list movie actress has always wanted to dip into the poon and finally got her chance when she met a special lady friend on the set of her new movie. And here's, Julia Roberts and her August: Osage County co-star Julianne Nicholson holding hands while walking to a restaurant in Venice, CA last week. Yes, Julia and Julianne are also eating with Ewan McGregor and Dermot Mulroney (aka their beards), but we all know that when two grown women who don't share the same blood are walking hand-in-hand in the middle of a parking lot, it obviously means that they're scissoring until their pubes burn off. LEZ-BEE-AAAAANS!

And they're both wearing leather boots. And they're both wearing jeans. And they're both wearing messenger bags. And all those three things put together* obviously means that they're shopping for power tools together at Home Depot on Sundays.

* Those three things put together don't mean that

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 30th! Top

Men sitting, women standing - it's got to be "Toilets by Yoko". - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

Even Twinkie Fillings are filing for unemployment these days. - Mrs. Voorhees

This Christmas, Sharper Image presents its line of "HÜGS" home decor -- each piece uses computer imaging to give the exact experience of being hugged by a generously proportioned celebrity. From left: The Val Kilmer, The Anthony Anderson, and the perennial best-seller, The Aretha. - Strepsi

Lindsay's coke boogers swear under oath that she is clean and sober. - Sweetas

via Picture Is Unrelated

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Austin Cooper, a student at Central Florida University who using the holy power of man nipples to protest against a crazy fundamentalist preacher.

This video was uploaded to YouTube over a year ago and it started making the rounds last week, but it's never too late to pay homage to a dude who knows how to handle a crazy bitch. When a fundamentalist preacher started spewing shit-covered dumbness from his mouth, Austin Cooper silently responded by stripping down and laying down the sex on the lawn. The preacher then mouth farts out some serious logic when he says that Austin's half-naked body is turning straight ladies into lesbians. That makes sense! Dumb bitch.

If anything, Austin is turning a temporary straight into a gay dude again. I mean, when I stared at the preacher looking like a chorus member from an Amish production of Newsies, I turned straight for a minute. But when Austin took his clothes off, I turned gay again.

And you know, this preacher should also get HSOTD honors, because bitch says some funny shit.

via Towleroad

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Anna Chlumsky (32)
Amanda Seyfried (27)
Brian Bonsall (31)
Louise Roe (31)
Jenna Dewan (32)
Daniel Bedingfield (33)
Sean Parker (33)
Trina (34)
Mickey Avalon (37)
Holly Marie Combs (39)
Brendan Fraser (44)
Montell Jordan (44)
Katarina Witt (47)
Steve Harris (47)
Daryl Hannah (52)
Julianne Moore (52)
Mickey Thomas (63)
Ozzy Osbourne (64)
Jean-Luc Godard (82)

 
John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man's Injury With His Magic Hands Top

Usually, John Travolta's the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: "I've got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?" - John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim's broken ankle.

John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude's body using a technique called an "assist." The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word "ASS" in it. John said this craziness:

"I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies' best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, 'Okay sure'. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said 'I feel better' so I said 'Okay end of assist.' He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more."

Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is "a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition."

What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man's dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man's peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, "Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!" Then after the man released the pain, John said, "End of assist."

And no, I didn't just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.

And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, "End of assist." That's a good line!

 
Katt Williams Is Still Bringing The Crazy Top

Katt Williams is the new Zsa Zsa Gabor and a Target cashier is the new Beverly Hills policeman.

Katt Williams' crazy ass put the YOLO in Yolo County last Sunday when he smacked a Target employee. Right before he Katt slapped a dude, Katt Williams escaped arrest after leading police on a bizarre and hilarious three-wheeled motorcycle chase through the streets of Sacramento, CA. Katt shook the police off his tail and drove his three-wheeled motorcycle to Target. Surveillance footage, which was just released, shows Katt sashaying up to a Target employee and the two had words before he left his paw print all over that dude's face. The Target employee picked up his phone and called the police. TMZ doesn't know what the brawl of words was about, but I'm guessing Target was all out of red velvet leche and Katt wasn't happy about it.

Katt wasn't going to wait around to be arrested, so six seconds after the Target employee called 911, he jumped on an electric cart and rode on out of that bitch. This clip is some Monty Python-type buffoonery:

A mess. It's only a matter of time before somebody sets that clip to Jay-Z's "Ride Or Die." Once Katt drove that electric cart out of the store, he ditched it and jumped on his getaway motorcycle. Katt was never arrested or charged with anything, but the Yolo County District Attorney's office tells TMZ that they are investigating the slap down.

Katt led police on a low-speed chase, slapped a Target employee and escaped on a grandpa scooter. It was just another Sunday for the crackhead Hobbit. I was about to say that you know the bad shit has screwed your brain up bad when you think a Hoveround makes a good escape vehicle, but I can't say that. I mean, Katt did get away, didn't he?

 
Hot Slut OF The Day! Top

Carine Felizardo, the newly crowned Miss Bumbum Brazil!

On Friday night in at a hotel in São Paulo , Brazil, 15 of the country's most delicate flowers all did what John Travolta does when he's in heat: bent over and assumed the "give me the Q-tip" position. The 15 booties competed for the most important title in beauty pageant history: Miss Bumbbum Brazil!

After all nalgas were tested for performance-enhancing butt implants and they all competed in the interview round (aka the fart smell test), the jury of five dudes and six women declared Carine Felizardo as having the best ass in all of Brazil. The 25-year-old with the award-winning ass cried as she accepted her check for around $2,500. Carine told the audience, "I am overwhelmed, very, very happy. I would like to thank those who voted for me, those who believed in me, my family, my friends." 

Yes, Kim Kartrashian, Nicki Minaj and CoCo have all used their triple stuffed asses to make millions of dollars, but does their butt have a crown? I didn't think so. All hail Miss Bumbum Brazil!

And seeing the pictures from Miss Bumbum Brazil is making me excited for the 2012 Miss Fupa America pageant*.

* The Miss Fupa America pageant doesn't exist, but it should.

 

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