The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Patrice O'Neal Has Passed Away
- Would You Hit It?
- Deborra-Lee Furness On The Rumor That Hugh Jackmeoff Likes Peen
- Kim Kuntrashian Doesn't Think She's Supposed To Have Kids... Uh huh....
- UPDATE: The Lonely Ginger Seal Pup Has A New Home
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 28th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- And I Say Haaaaay Yay Yay A A Haaaay Yay Yay!
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Patrice O'Neal Has Passed Away | Top |
Patrice O'Neal, the comedian who gave you laughs on Web Junk 2.0, The Office, Arrested Development, Comedy Central's Charlie Sheen Roast and Opie & Anthony's Sirius show, died yesterday after suffering a diabetic-related stroke back in October. Opie & Anthony confirmed Patrice's death on Twitter today and his booking agent released this statement shortly after: It is with terrible sadness we must report that Patrice O'Neal has passed away this morning at 7:00am due to the complications of the stroke he suffered on October 19. Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius. His mother, who was also his best friend, was at his side. Patrice is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo; his step daughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder, and his mother Georgia. The family wishes to thank all of the fans and friends who have expressed an outpouring of love and support for Patrice these past weeks. We ask that you please respect the family's request for privacy at this difficult time. Rest in peace, Sea Monster. You are now up in heaven, getting your time raped by the lady angels. via EW | |
| Would You Hit It? | Top |
Detective La Toya is letting out a strong soprano howl of vindication over Dr. Con getting the maximum prison sentence, but there's more important shit to discuss like whether or not you'd let Donny Deutsch stick his slimy tongue in you. Every time Donny comes on Today in the morning, the voices in my head oil wrestle with each other over whether or not my fuck parts should start puckering or run up into my body like they just read the words: "Ke$ha nudes." On one hand (aka my non-fappin' hand), douche should really be spelled D-E-U-T-S-C-H and he looks like the kind of selfish son of a dick who will pinch your genitals if you were about to cum before him. Just look at these pictures of Donny in Miami over the weekend. Donny's nipples look like scabs without their skins and he's wearing sneakers on the beach. If I asked my confidante Siri what dick cheese looks like when you magnify it, this picture would come up. On the other hand (aka my fappin' hand), there's something about Donny that makes me want to shut the shades and shame fap myself into a puddle of tears. It's probably that silver rug on his head. Why does the silver mop always get me? Don't even get me started on Dan Abrams' gross ass. Ugh. I need help. Ayúdame! | |
| Deborra-Lee Furness On The Rumor That Hugh Jackmeoff Likes Peen | Top |
It's that time of year again when Hugh Jackman's wife of 15 years and the mother of his chirruns, Deborra-Lee Furness, gives a standard denial to the rumor that she's the hardest working beard in the bearding business. This time Page Six Magazine brought up the gay rumor and Deborra-Lee performed another monologue straight out of The Beard Doth Protest Much! "The line I heard was, 'Wolverine? Who would have thought?' Hugh and I don't pay much heed. It's kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don't know." "Tragic" is the nicest thing I've been called today, so I'll move on from that shade. You know, just when I start to think that if I sit in front of a Times Square glory hole (Note: Do they even those anymore or did Mickey Mouse plug that shit up to?) long enough Wolverine will stick his wolverpeen into the gay communion booth, Hugh Jackman pops up to say it will never happen. Hugh and Deborra-Lee have both denied the gay rumor so many times that it doesn't even matter anymore (not that it ever did). Yes, Deborra-Lee could be bearding for Hugh while he humps on his producing partner in the guest room. And yes, Deborra-Lee and Hugh could be in a genuine relationship and he only plays gay on Broadway. Either way, Deborra-Lee gets to watch a topless Hugh sing show tunes while making chocolate chip pancakes in the morning, so I guess she's the one winning at LIFE. Give her all the Share the Wealth cards and put her in Millionaire Acres. | |
| Kim Kuntrashian Doesn't Think She's Supposed To Have Kids... Uh huh.... | Top |
Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep: Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic. Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this: Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore. GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that? Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating! Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby. Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore. Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on. Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it. GLAMOUR: Materialistic how? Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching! Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble. Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong. | |
| UPDATE: The Lonely Ginger Seal Pup Has A New Home | Top |
Remember when the knot of coagulated cholesterol in your chest liquefied into a puddle of sorrow over the story of the Russian ginger seal baby who faced starving to death because everyone in his family is a huge racist seal cunt? They refused to hunt with him because he's of the gingers. Well, he's just moved into his new home at Russia's Akvatoria Dolphinarium and it turns out he's got a seal poon instead of a seal peen. He's a she! (Side note: Ginger seal pup and I have more in common than I thought, because you don't know how many times I heard "She's a HE!" every time I walked into a men's bathroom as a child.) The dolphinarium has named the Rojo Caliente of seals "Nafanya" after some cartoon character she sort of, kind of, not really looks like. Nafanya is currently in quarantine and will move in with the other seals in about a month. The seal wranglers already gathered the other seals around and let them know that Nafanya is as precious as a Prince Hot Ginge nipple hair and they better treat her with love or else they'll be shoved into a shark costume and forced to pose in a photo-op with self-proclaimed shark savior January Jones. (Okay, I made that up, but the Akvatoria Dolphinarium has my permission to use that idea if need be.) A quick second after Nafanya moved into the dolphinarium, she became a huge star and hos from all around are coming to see her. The head of the dolphinarium said this about their newest star: "She has a playful nature. She loves to play with her toy - a small blue ball. But what she likes the most its to play with a fish at feeding time. She will follow it, catch it, put it in her mouth, release it and finally eat it. Nafanya is such a lovely animal and is certainly not afraid of people. We cannot yet let her swim with our other creatures as she is on a month-long quarantine, but we will do later. We will make sure she has a happy life in our dolphinarium." The best part of all of this is that Nafanya has her own webcam. It's like 2008 all over again! But instead of spending all of my waking hours watching Shiba Inus sleep, fart, sleep, eat, sleep, bark, sleep, fart and sleep, I'll be watching a ginger seal sleep, fart, sleep, eat, sleep, bark, sleep, fart and sleep. And I really hope that in the picture above Nafanya is not throwing us a "Fuck me, I'm the new Knut" side-eye of impending doom. via Daily Mail | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 28th! | Top |
Despite falling off the wagon, Britney refuses to give up on her Femme Fatale Tour. - Pure Trash Everyone agreed that Rosie O'Donnell's Carmen Miranda Halloween costume was indeed repulsive. - MeowMeow Zack Galifinalailakilis plans to sue God since being turned away from Courtney Stoddard's church due to "inappropriate attire." - Spaz de la Whoreta (Thanks to Joey) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Baroness Beatrice Clancy! When the founder of Sunglass Hut, 86-year-old Sanford Ziff, was married to his first wife Dolores, they spread their millions all over Miami and were so damn charitable that the opera house was named after them. Sanford became a widower back in January after pneumonia pushed Dolores onto a Segway to heaven. Six months later, Sanford married the peroxide goddess that some say he was cheating with while his wife was on her death bed. ES.CAN.DA.LOOOO! This is the kind of Miami tea that the Golden Girls like to sip on while nibbling on some cheesecake at midnight. Now that the Dr. Evil of Miami has a slightly rusty trophy wife, he wants to erase his first wife's name from the opera house they were named after. As Sanford and Dolores' children cry out the word OUTRAGE!, he has asked the board to change the name of the Sanford and Dolores Ziff Opera House to the Sanford and Beatrice Ziff Opera House. Some might say that Sanford is doing this because he has a heart of cunt, but maybe it's because he's hypnotized by the Baroness' "early 80s sitcom star" beauty and wants to see her name everywhere. Dlisted reader Adriana pointed me to the Baroness and also gave me the reasons why The Heather Mills Gold Digging Institute should be renamed The Baroness Beatrice Clancy Gold Digging Institute: This woman deserves to be hot slut for several reasons not limited to: But before I bow, let me just add that we should also pay homage to the Baroness, because she obviously keeps pictures of Audrey Landers and Loni Anderson taped her vanity mirror to give her inspiration when she gets glamoured up in the morning. THOSE CLOTHES! Somebody cleaned up at the Falcon Crest costume closet sale. She's like a new money Naomi from Mama's Family! Okay, now I'm bowing... via CBS Miami | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jackie Stallone (90) | |
| And I Say Haaaaay Yay Yay A A Haaaay Yay Yay! | Top |
"Darlene Conner! Pull your hand away from Lindsay Lohan's probably STD-infected leftover!" is a line that filled the thought bubble above my head after this picture touched my eyes, because I swear on the box of dusty dildos in the back of my closet that I thought this was Sara Gilbert and SamRo walking the streets together. I know all those twiggy lesbians in skinny jeans and beanies look the same to me. Call me racist. But thanks be to Sara and Linda left some restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday hand-in-hand, which means they're totally clit wrestling. And by the looks of these pictures, that's all they're doing. Sara and Linda have been fucking so much that they don't even have time to bathe, brush their hair or do laundry. Somebody should tell Sara and Linda that they can fuck in the shower, you know. That's what a sponge vibrator is for. Duh. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Jakey Gyllenhaal is going to be an auntie again! - Celebitchy Sam Mendes is officially humping on the piece who was rumored to be one of the reasons why his marriage to Kate Winslet sunk to the bottom of the ocean - Lainey Gossip Kate Gosselin's face just naturally looks like that of a factory defected mannequin - The Superficial Whenever I see Chord Overstreet, it makes me miss that blond twink from Queer as Folk - Towleroad This is me at the club every weekend...and by "the club" I mean my living room - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather I don't know if this is Stacy Keibler, but that one on the bottom might be Juliette Lewis - Hollywood Tuna Too much ICK. NAST. in one place - Popoholic TOO EASY. - Just Jared TOO EASY, Part II - I'm Not Obsessed Barney Frank is retiring - OMG Blog Baby Bingham sees you - Popsugar You can have the 12 Days of Christmas and I'll take 12 Bitches Falling instead - The Berry Ann Coulter just sent this British piece of trash a thank you basket for being a bigger piece of trash than she is - The Daily What Barney is my kind - Cityrag If Pamela Anderson lowers her price by 99% and throws in a case of asshole numbing cream and Tommy Lee's dick, I'll take it! - Hollywood Rag Meth Face is watching you masturbate. Or is it Meth Face is masturbating while watching you? - SOW | |
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