The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Behold, Blue Ivy Carter's Legs...And Hair!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 28th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Carson Daly Says That Gays Wouldn't Have Stopped The Crazy JetBlue Pilot
- Evening Crumbs
- How Dare You Ask RiRi About Ashton Kutcher
- Open Post: Hosted By A Tree Humper
- The Photoshop Awards: The Dallas Teaser Ad
- Jessica Simpson Is Trying To Outdo Beyonce
| Behold, Blue Ivy Carter's Legs...And Hair! | Top |
The suffocation of Blue Ivy continues! To keep the breath and glares of peons from tainting her holy bundle of infinite light, Beyonce strapped a sapphire-encrusted oxygen mask over Blue Ivy's breathing area and shoved that baby under her sweater thing to carry her out of a doctor's office in NYC yesterday. You can't tell from these pictures, but thousands of Beyonce's followers gathered around and begged the chosen one to rebuke their ailments from their being by placing her tiny foot on their foreheads. And by ailments I mean sore hairlines caused by extreme lace front wearing and the guilt they feel from visiting Basement Baby's MySpace page. (Yes, I said MySpace page. I mean, MySpace is the basement of social media, so it's fitting.) But seriously, I see what Beyonce and Mama Tina are doing here. Beyonce knows how much attention she got from conspiracy theorists thinking that the only thing she was pregnant with was stuffing made by Serta. So Beyonce is milking more attention out of conspiracy theorists by covering Blue Ivy's holy face so it looks like she's carrying around a House of Dereon Cabbage Patch Doll. I'm all for Beyonce's stuntin' ways, but can she please stop suffocating the color blue. Bitch acts like she owns that color. I can't even pull a blue shirt out of my closet without thinking about Blueonsay's ass. The next time a pair of blue balls dangle in front of me, I don't want to think about Beyonce. Bitch is going too far with the blue. We should look into filing a class action lawsuit against this blue-hoarding ho. Take back the blue! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 28th! | Top |
This mashup of Black Swan and Mr. Mom didn't even look good on paper. - erichitchmo Ben Affleck still isn't quite sure what it does, but he's relieved that a boy came out of it. - MundoLoco via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks, Chris) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Torani, the masters of coffee ridiculousness who already brought you Bacon Syrup and who will eventually bring you Felch Syrup and Chicharones & Hot Sauce Syrup will put a little Roscoe's in your coffee cup this April. Torani's Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the perfect way to start your day and it's also the perfect way to tell those around you that you have given up on life. Just add a splash of vomit and a drop of whiskey, and it would be like eating at Roscoe's at 2am after a night of boozing. Personally, I can't mess with this mess, so it's all yours. The best part of eating chicken n' waffles comes when the crunchiness, greasiness, doughiness and stickiness has an orgy in your mouth and you're not sure if you want to swallow it, but you do it anyway. You can't bottle that kind of culinary magic! And I don't know if this is a selling point for Torani or not, but their Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the same stuff that's going to shoot out of Jessica Simpson when she goes into labor. If you want a drop of Jessica Simpson's birthing fluids in your mouth, get yourself some Torani Chicken n' Waffles Syrup! (For Lauren) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Amy Sedaris (51) | |
| Carson Daly Says That Gays Wouldn't Have Stopped The Crazy JetBlue Pilot | Top |
Yes, Carson Daly somehow found a way to exist past 2002. Carson currently hosts The Voice (I know you thought that the wooden dummy from Magic hosted The Voice. I'm sorry to drop a sad on you like that.) and also has some kind of radio show. I don't know what Carson talks about on his radio show, because I'd rather shove my ear in a cow's ass than listen to his voice. But Carson said some shit this morning that got him onto TMZ. When talking about the JetBlue pilot whose mental state QUIT THIS BITCH during a flight a from NYC to Las Vegas, Carson Daly joked that if the flight was full of gay dudes headed for a floral convention ("Good one, Carson!" - Tommy Girl), they would've been too scared to break a nail to jump in. "Most of the people were on their way to some sort of security conference in Las Vegas ... it was like a bunch of dudes and well trained dudes ... thank god." He then went on, "With my luck, it would be like ... 'this is the flight going to [the gay pride parade] in San Francisco ... I mean, that would be my colleagues." He then did a lovely stereotypically "gay" voice and said, "Uh, we're headed down to Vegas for the floral convention." Here's the audio if your ears need that tonight:
Carson has since said he's sowwy. Carson Daly's head is filled with nothing but saw dust and old Dick Clark farts, so I'm actually surprised he came up with that himself. You know, Carson's joke is whatever to me, but I can't say it's true. First of all, I'd Vaseline up and pounce on a pilot for keeping me from the buffets and dime slots in Vegas. Second of all, Carson's factory-defected frog puppet ass would be too busy Tweeting to do shit. Third of all, Carson obviously hasn't seen a brawl outside of a gay club at 3am, because that shit is like no other. The most offensive part of all of this is that I'm typing Carson Daly's name and the year is 2012. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
Taylor Swift, please fluff yourself up, because B.Coop is shopping for beards again now that his contract with Zoe Saldana did not get renewed :( - Lainey Gossip Claudia Schiffer goes back to Guess and either she's been blessed by Photoshop or she's been smearing her face with the same creamed fetuses Jared Leto smears his ageless face with - The Berry I hate my 8-year-old self for wearing this same outfit in the 80s - Hollywood Tuna The graceful CoCo's cartoon ass in cartoon pants - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather As Blue Ivy turns blue from suffocating under all that furry blueness - Celebitchy Do tongues not exist in heaven, because that kiss with Jon Hamm had a grand total of zero - Towleroad And the Oscar for Best Nalgas Cinematography goes to... - The Superficial Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing one of Anita Bryant's old ones - Popoholic "Right on schedule..." said Pimp Mama Kris with a proud sigh - IDLYITW Punky, now you know you aren't allowed to leave the house without Brandon - ICYDK If Suri is really Katie's stylist, then Suri obviously hates her - Popsugar This is me always. Can't you tell? - Videogum Jessie Spano was high on caffeine pills, what's Tim Tebow's excuse? - OMG Blog Amber Heard's dog better piss on her favorite dildo for doing that shit to it - Just Jared Can the ASPCA please open an investigation into what kind of animal died on Ciara's head? - Crunk + Disorderly Does this mean there will be 6 more weeks of play time? - The Daily What Andy Cohen loves all kind of ass - Cityrag But did Urkel end every verbal beating with "Did I do that?" - Hollywood Rag We're doing trailers for trailers now - I'm Not Obsessed Mark Steines is off of Entertainment Tonight - SOW | |
| How Dare You Ask RiRi About Ashton Kutcher | Top |
| While promoting Battleshit with Taylor Kitsch and Brooklyn Decker at a press conference in London today, RiRi was asked about her maybe piece Ashton Kutcher by a reporter from ITN and the alien-headed one was not pleased at all. In case you don't know the goings on of RiRi's vagina, she was papped showing up to Ashton Kutcher's house at midnight the other night and The Sun says she's been popping her coochie on Kutchie for the past 8 weeks. Cut to this afternoon when Reporter Sarah dropped a sneak attack on RiRi. Sarah started her question one way and just when you thought it was about to go another, she pulled out the "So if I sniffed your mouth would I smell Ashton's dick?" question on RiRi. Sarah: Hi, Sarah from ITN. Rihanna, this is a question for you. I have no doubt that all of your fans are coming to see this film. You know, you have so many. And you're so good with connection with people that I think that we actually feel we know you. Things are clearly going brilliantly in your career. I just wondered if you are as happy in your private life. Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here? It was a disappointing question, because RiRi was there as a serious actress and she should only be expected to answer questions about her tour de force, emotionally raw performance in the culturally important art house film Battleship. What was Sarah from ITN supposed to ask RiRi about? I wish Sarah would've asked RiRi why she's wearing Lindsay Lohan's old hair. I mean, wow, how disappointing is that wig. But really, what would be a better question? Did RiRi expect Sarah to ask about her creative process when getting into character? We all know the answer to that shit. RiRi gets into character by smoking a fat blunt in the bathroom. That's also her process for getting ready to answer questions in a press conference, because ho looks as stoned as I wish I was right now. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Tree Humper | Top |
| Don't you hate it when you wake up the morning after and the only thing you have to remember about your fuck piece from the night before is a splinter in your ass, bark burns on your stomach, its sticky love syrup on your fingers and a bite from a palm weevil on your tongue? Don't you wish you can relive all those beautiful, tree-fucking moments all over again? Well, now you can thanks to the dude who recorded you barking up the RIGHT tree while high on the wrong shit at the Ultra Music Festival. Girl, you better have rubbed your coochie in some Herbicide afterward, because the last thing you need is to pop out a sapling in nine months. via Gawker | |
| The Photoshop Awards: The Dallas Teaser Ad | Top |
I really hate it when a flyer for a no-rules gay bathhouse crashes into a magazine ad for Metamucil's new shower gel before landing on an invitation for a Florida sorority toga party. This is the teaser poster for TNT's Dallas 2.0 and yes, I too feel like I just woke up in the shower and realized that the last season of my life was all a dream and the new season of my life is a NIGHTMARE where a half-naked Larry Hagman is looking at you like he's about to pull out his peenstol and shoot you for a change. We've got Linda Gray looking gorgeous (I can't trust a bitch who shades Linda Gray), Josh Henderson looking like a Craigslist masseuse you can't trust, Larry Hagman looking like the steam is tickling the silver hairs on his prune sacks something good and Jordana Brewster looking straight out of Public Access' version of The Client List. Then there's Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe keeping the ad campaign PG-13 by covering up his tits, Brenda Strong and some stranger girl named Julie Golanzo. What I've learned from this is that the Dallas casting directors temporarily camped out on Wisteria Lane's cross street waiting to pick up Desperate Housewives' cast-offs. And if this poster is anything to go by, then Dallas 2.0 is going to be a broke, cheesy disaster that'll leave me wanting a good scrubbing to the retinas. I can't wait! | |
| Jessica Simpson Is Trying To Outdo Beyonce | Top |
The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed! Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this: "She's turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they'll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She's terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!" Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some. If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie. Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas! | |
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