The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Amanda Bynes Isn't Troubled, She's A Retired Multi-Millionaire, Thankyouverymuch
- Oh, It's Just Harry Potter And Don Draper In A Tub Together
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 1st!
- Open Post: Hosted By Casper Smart & JLo
- All Hail The Return Of The Keeper Of The Unicorns
- Charlie Sheen Bought His Favorite Hooker A New Vagina
- "I Am Scatwoman, Hear Me Fart!"
- Let's All Take A Moment To Remember The Crunchy Curl Gloriousness That WAS Michelle Duggar's Old Hair
- Behold, The Brazilian Phoebe Price
| Amanda Bynes Isn't Troubled, She's A Retired Multi-Millionaire, Thankyouverymuch | Top |
Earlier, I linked to this story from InTouch about how West Coast mess turned East Coast mess Amanda Bynes was walking around the main area of Beach Bum Tanning in NYC with nothing but her crazy showing. Bitch was all the way naked. Everyone who was there now knows if the hair on her ass lips is blond, dirt blond or doody blond. Everyone who was there now knows if she's got silver dolla nipples or quarter nipples. They know Amanda like that. I didn't think anything of it, because for a crazy who spent 2 hours in a dressing room and locked herself in a cupcake shop bathroom for 30 minutes, pulling some Lady Godiva Gone Crazy shit in the middle of a tanning salon didn't seem that bizarre to me. But Amanda tells UsWeekly that InTouch must be downing the same crazy pills she is, because she was never naked in a tanning salon. Multi-millionaire retirees don't do that!
That is the line of the day and we should all use it every chance we get. No, I'm not 26, I'm not a multi-millionaire and I'm not retired (although I do sit around in my underwear all day and constantly yell at everybody, so that can be argued), but I'm still going to use that line. The next time my credit card company calls and asks why I haven't paid my bill in 3 months, I'll just say, "I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy." That'll stop them. And I believe Amanda. Amanda wasn't naked. Amanda was wearing an invisible cloak that she created with her MIND. Multi-millionaire retirees have those kind of powers. | |
| Oh, It's Just Harry Potter And Don Draper In A Tub Together | Top |
It's SO true that from our 20s to our 40s, most of us will grow 10 inches taller and completely change in the face. So that's why it makes sense that Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm are playing the younger and older version of the same character in A Young Doctor's Notebook, a mini-series that will air on Britain's Sky Arts in December. Just from looking at the pictures of Jon Hamm, this mini-series looks like it's about a man who gets addicted to the wrong kind of meth, gets involuntarily locked up in a methadone clinic for years and escapes wearing only his clinic gown and a swollen pair of junkie bags under his eyes. But that's not what it's about. The Daily Mail has the plot:
My eyes scanned that paragraph several times and nowhere in there did I see the sentence, "And then they make out with tongues in a tub." What good is putting DanRad and Jon Hamm in a tub together if they don't touch tongues? Screw this movie. I'm not going to watch that shit. Instead, I'm going to look at that picture and imagine DanRad's peen and Jon Hamm's peen in an underwater staring contest. (SPOILER ALERT: DanRad's peen will lose when Jon's gigantic Hamm log eats it.) | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
These pictures make more sense when I tell you that Jenny McCarthy didn't even know it was Halloween - Hollywood Tuna In conclusion, ASkars is doing everybody except you and me - Lainey Gossip George Lucas donated $4 billion to educational charities, which means in every American school Galactic Empire History will replace American History and whatever the hell language Jar Jar Binks speaks will replace Spanish - The Superficial This list is incomplete without Uncle Poodle - The Berry Professional beard Camille Belle found another job - Celebitchy Just please don't let those annoying little British girls that Ellen DeGeneres is obsessed with do a cover of this - Towleroad "NO FACE/NO CHAT" is all the replies Kelly Brook would get if she put these pics on Grindr - IDLYITW Gillian Anderson's hair looks like that, because she was rolling naked around on the carpet with David Duchovny all day, obviously - Popoholic One gold star for Katy Perry's Halloween costume - Popsugar Walking around nipples out naked in a tanning salon might be the least crazy thing Amanda Bynes has ever done - ICYDK Simon Baker and an emotionless concrete pillar announced something together - Just Jared Mr. Floppers needs to stop playing and get a pedicure, because his feets look a mess - OMG Blog Every day is Halloween for Janice Dickinson - Celebslam Selena Gomez has approximately 2.35 facial expressions - Cityrag Methinks Mimi's 8-hour soothing massage was just her massage therapist punching a Nicki Minaj doll in front of her over and over again - Hollywood Rag Kelsey Grammer can eat an anus, because no Camille Grammer costume is complete without two medicine ball titties, hot moves and a dragon mask - Videogum RiRi actually wore clothes for the first part of her Halloween night - Moe Jackson LeAnn Rimes dressed up as Sandy for Halloween. Nope, she didn't plan that at all. - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 1st! | Top |
via Izismile | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Casper Smart & JLo | Top |
It's crap like this that actually makes me miss Skeletor. JLo and her leased piece Casper Smart dressed up as hippies to celebrate Halloween in Düsseldorf, Germany and she posted all the gross pictures on her site. When are we going to get to the part where Casper puts out a rap song, gets dumped by JLo, gets super fat, goes on Celebrity Fit Club and then eventually moves to Chatsoworth, CA? Raid JLo's purse while you still can, Casper! Don't tell me that JLo is making a heart with her hands. JLo is making a glory hole with her hands and she knows what Casper Smart does every time he sees a glory hole. He sticks his tongue in it hoping to find the tip of a peen on the other side. He won't find a peen tip this time. He'll just find JLo. What a tease that JLo is. | |
| All Hail The Return Of The Keeper Of The Unicorns | Top |
Here's Robert Pattinson stoically standing in a junkyard to summon the tiny unicorns back to his enchanted forest hair. That's not grease and oily build-up covering his tendrils, that's the syrupy nectar tiny unicorns secrete when they rub their haunches against his wisps of hair. That's not sparkly dandruff stuck up in there, that's unicorn sperm. Here's RPattz looking ridiculous in L'Uomo Vogue and the mop on his head is so damn high that if the angels hung their faces over the clouds, they could floss their teefs out with the tips of his hair. You can laugh at him for wearing that Lanvin coat, but it's not fashion to RPattz, it's armor! Every time he steps out of his house, the crazed Twihards who camp in his front yard gutters, throw themselves on his body. Well, the next time they do it, will be the last time they do it. Unless....they mistake those things for cone dildos and try to mate with one. I've made the same mistake too... And here's also some pictures of RPattz with KStew at a party at the Hollywood Forever cemetery last night. Even his mask look miserable. | |
| Charlie Sheen Bought His Favorite Hooker A New Vagina | Top |
In case you were wondering, Charlie Sheen is still being Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is still keeping the economy alive by snorting a quarter ounce of coke a day, smoking crack, watching Internet porn all day and throwing thousands of dollars at high-priced pussy peddlers. A source tells Radar that Charlie is blowing through his Anger Management money in more ways than one. The source says that for the past 8 months, Charlie has slipped back into his crackhead ways and is spending around $2,000 a day on the bad shit. Charlie's private drug dealer brings over a quarter to half an ounce of cocaine a day. Charlie sometimes snorts it, but since he's a lover of gourmet coke, he usually cooks it with baking soda in his bathroom and smokes it out of a pipe he made from a Fiji water bottle. Yes, Fiji. TRASH! Charlie needs to read this week's edition of GOOP, because GOOP says that only the poor smoke their drugs out of a Fiji water bottle. The rich only smoke their drugs out of $52 rolling papers from Sugar Paper or they smoke it out a pipe made from a Vittel water bottle imported from a recycling center in Toulouse. When Charlie isn't inhaling the breath of a Lohan through a Fiji crack pipe, he's buying top shelf poon by the dozen. Charlie even has a favorite hooker and he loves her so much that he gave her the gift of a new vagina. The source says this:
If you need a visual as to what an ugly vagina looks like, just look at that picture above again. Charlie really is a saint for helping those with unfortunate chochas. That poor girl probably did whatever she could to revitalize her stale cookie. She hung one of those Little Trees air fresheners (scent: new twat) over her box and it didn't help. She put a new coat of paint on it. She refaced it. She even called HGTV's Holmes on Holmes for help, but nothing worked. Then the one-crackhead Make-A-Wish foundation for whores came along and answered her snatch's prayers. Since cheap ass Oprah isn't giving anything away for free nowadays, it's nice to know that Charlie is. You get a pussy! You get a pussy! And YOU get a pussy! Pussies for everyone! | |
| "I Am Scatwoman, Hear Me Fart!" | Top |
On the West Coast, Pimp Mama Kris handed out chocolate-covered GPS tracking chips covered to unsuspecting children who have no idea that once they eat it, she'll be able to find them at all times so she can slither into their bedrooms at night and power the dark orb in her chest by siphoning the innocence out of them. And on the East Coast, several of Pimp Mama Kris' hardest working whores whored it up at a Whoreoween party in Miami. Kim went as Katwoman, Kanye Kardashian went as a gay fish dressed as a bat, the slow one went as Batgirl, the hanger-on one went as The Riddler, someone went as Bruce Jenner and Scott Isadick went as Robin. I like how Scott stuffed his costume pants with a silicone nutsack since PMK confiscated his real ones a long time ago. In other news, a smog alert was issued for the Miami area and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the musty toxic stench that wafted out of Kim's ass after she was cut out of that rubber katsuit last night. | |
| Let's All Take A Moment To Remember The Crunchy Curl Gloriousness That WAS Michelle Duggar's Old Hair | Top |
Would you ever want to turn off Niagara Falls? Would you ever want to fill the Grand Canyon with manure? Would you ever paint over a rainbow with shades of beige? Would you ever break into Shauna Sand's shoe closet and replace all her exquisite lucite heels with CROCs? No, you would never want to destroy a thing of beauty, because that is ILLEGAL. So I don't know why in the hell Michelle Duggar would let anyone take a pair of scissors and straightening balm to the utopia of curly fries and chola bangs on top of her head, but she did and I HATE HER FOR IT. On Tuesday night's episode of 19 Kids and Counting, Michelle Duggar's childhood friend Cindy (Full name: Cindy, Evil Bitch Destroyer of Glamour) came over to give her a makeover. Michelle hasn't changed her hair in almost 39 years and there's a reason for that. The Bible clearly states: Thou shalt not stop frying your hair with a curling iron and gel from the 99 Cent Store. But Michelle went against the word of the lord and let Cindy ruin her hair. This is what stared back at Michelle when she looked in the mirror: FOR WHY????????!!!!!!!!????? Bitch got Michele Bachmann-ified! Today, I weep, because a full day went by without all 10 million of the Duggar children hearing the sizzling sound of Michelle curling her gel-drenched hair. Who's going to buy all of the White Rain hairspray now? Michelle's new bangs are way too soft. How is Jim Bob going to side fuck her bangs during foreplay? I don't care if Michelle's 1990s soap opera hair don't is temporary. I still won't ever forgive her for this, just like her pussy won't ever forgive her for causing it to prolapse all the time. via Yahoo! TV (Thanks to Melody, Sara and Deborah for sending this work of blasphemy in) | |
| Behold, The Brazilian Phoebe Price | Top |
While most celebrities only tweeted "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo's Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own "Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction" photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her. You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren't only off in lower Manhattan, they're off in Nana's head too. Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana's photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters. And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she's mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I'm sure she'll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America's Next Top Model. | |
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