The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Behold, The Brazilian Phoebe Price
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 31st!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Chris Brown Is Really Trying Hard To Be The Worst
- Evan Rachel Wood Married Billy Elliot
- Night Crumbs
- All This Talk About Bronco Bamma And Mitt Romney Is Bringing Little Abby To Tears
- Open Post: Hosted By Sofia DeGeneres
- Willam, Is That You?
| Behold, The Brazilian Phoebe Price | Top |
While most celebrities only tweeted "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo's Phoebe Price School Of Posing With Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own "Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction" photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her. You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eery emptiness of the city. The lights aren't only off in lower Manhattan, they're off in Nana's head too. Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (aka deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week. Nana's photo shoot has since gone viral and someone started a priceless Tumblr devoted to her posing in the middle of other disasters. And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her infinityhead against the wall, because she's mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I'm sure she'll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America's Next Top Model. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 31st! | Top |
Chateau Marmont may be the only place immediately identifiable simply and only by a photo of a toilet. - TexnDoc Runners-up: Just in case no one believed Rod Stewart when he said he used to take his cocaine anally way back in the day, he decided to open up his family album and show photographic evidence of how he insisted his toilet's were to be equipped, before he would tour. - Tricksy via Eat Liver | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Jason Brock, the yodeling disco ball on X-Factor USA. I only watched X-Factor's first live show last night, because I wanted to see if Brit Brit would temporarily come out of her Ritalin and Lithium-induced haze to use Khloe Kardashian's razor sharp wookie nipples to cut the puppet strings operating her arms and finally quit that bitch. Brit Brit didn't do that. RoBrit stuck with the script that was programmed into her hard drive by saying the same shit about every performance: "It was amazing. It was the best. You really surprised me. Sam Lufti, you're a demon from hell and I hope you burn in the bowels of the ninth circle. That last part was me, Daddy Spears talking. I added it into Britney's script, because it had to be heard! Oh, and that performance was awesome. Beep beep boop boop." Every mess of a boring performance was like something leftover from the worst episode of the Mickey Mouse Club in the 90s. They all looked like the 90s took a sloppy wet queef on them and they sounded worse. But there was one bright, glittery gay rhinestone shimmering in that trash pile of tragicness and that gay rhinestone was Jason Brock. If the diluted essence of Liberace and the singing voice of a fat black woman possessed Jack Black's body at the same time, you'd get Jason Brock. Jason Brock's heat melted the shirts off of his back-up dancers and he made the b-hole on every gay angel pucker until they farted out glitter from the skies. And he also molested AC Slater.... I doubt I'll watch that X-Factor shit ever again, but I really don't need to, because the only thing I needed to see was Jason Brock pinching the 8-pack on AC Slater's ass. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Anthony Kiedis (50) | |
| Chris Brown Is Really Trying Hard To Be The Worst | Top |
They're really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can't get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don't even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that's exactly what Chris Brown is. Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them? | |
| Evan Rachel Wood Married Billy Elliot | Top |
It seems like it was five seconds ago when Evan Rachel Wood was making all of our body pores barf out liquid ewww by trying to becoming Dita Von Teese 2.0 while boning Marilyn Manson, and it was really only ten seconds ago when Jamie Bell was twirling and jete-ing as Billy Elliot. Now they're both all grown up and marrying each other! "Hello, OLD AGE, yeah, it's me, Michael K. So Billy Elliot just got married. Yeah, that means I'm coming to visit you any minute now. The key's under the mat? Great." Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell apparently got engaged to each other last December and her rep tells UsWeekly that she became Mrs. Billy Elliot in California yesterday. Evan wore a dress by Carolina Herrera and Billy Elliot wore a leotard tuxedo with ballet slippers. They promised to love, cherish and not viciously murder look-alikes of each other in a music video. Evan and Billy Elliot started bumping nipples in 2006 after shooting a Green Day video together. Then they broke up in 2007 and got back together last year. Only celebrities and bitches who want to save money on their wedding reception venue get married on a weekday. These bitches got married on a damn Tuesday. The easiest way to piss off one of my relatives is to get married or throw a party on a day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. They'll have a stank look on their face the entire night and won't congratulate your inconsiderate ass. They'll be too busy being mad at the fact that they can't get to the final level of drunk on free beer, because they have to work in the morning. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Kate Moss talks to Vanity Fair about crying tears over Johnny Depp and getting "Mossed." No, getting "Mossed" isn't the act of smoking swamp moss. - Lainey Gossip Ricky Martin tweets a truly versatile picture of himself. You can either Photoshop yourself bending over in front of him or you can Photoshop yourself working him from behind. Any way you want it! - Towleroad Happy Slutoween from Wayne Gretzky's daughter - Hollywood Tuna Rosie Huntington-Whateverly's dress looks like taco lettuce - Drunken Stepfather Doug Hutchison is smiling because he knows what he's going to do with that unicorn horn later. And Courtney Stodden's costume is the reason why I stopped taking Ecstasy. - The Superficial Panty Creamer of the Day: Johan Akan - The Berry Every time Taylor Swift says "dark and twisty," a black licorice Red Vine kills itself - Celebitchy Cee Lo might've used his tiny arms to molest a woman - Celebitchy "We have the same personalities" - Nicole ScherMINGEr to that umbrella handle - Popoholic Nicole Richie and Benji Madden seem really into it - Popsugar That last zing from Governor Chris Christie probably made Gretchen Carlson's hard drive malfunction - IDLYITW And right after Brad Pitt handed over that $100,00, he whispered, "But don't try to get gay marriage legal in ALL the states just yet, because then I have to marry Angie like tomorrow!" - Just Jared Tragedy in a pair of leg warmers - SOW Happy Catoween! - Cityrag Expect a Guns 'N Roses album in 20 years - Hollywood Rag Tommy Girl wants more Mission Impossible - I'm Not Obsessed Even a natural disaster isn't going to stop Evelyn Lozada from being an idiot - Crunk + Disorderly | |
| All This Talk About Bronco Bamma And Mitt Romney Is Bringing Little Abby To Tears | Top |
| How do I hire Little Abby as my official voice on all things political (shit, on all things in general), because she is reading my mind..... and we have the same fashion sense. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Sofia DeGeneres | Top |
| Just like I did once in 1988 (and 1998... and 1999... and 2000), Ellen DeGeneres dressed in drag for Shallowqueen and she did while getting a bonus check from Cover Girl. Ellen dropped a wig on her head and strapped on a peek-a-boo ass that looked more real than Kim Kardashian's to come out on stage as her fellow Cover Girl Sofia Vergara. I can already here one of my hating aunties saying that Ellen's accent sounds more authentic than Sofia's. My hating aunt is always saying shit like, "Sofia Vergara's accent is so fake! She is such a stereotype! She's so embarrassing! Now hold my plate of rice con frijoles so I can go dance barefoot in front of that mariachi band. Ayeyayyayayaya!" And I'm not going to talk about those sneaker shoes. I'll talk about them when Brit Brit eventually wears them to go to Del Taco. | |
| Willam, Is That You? | Top |
The chunk just keeps melting off of Jessica Simpson (and no, I'm not going to say that Papa Joe is using her melted chunk for butt lube. I'm not going to....) and she showed off her new multi-million dollar Weight Watchers body by dressing up as a Scottish wench for Halloween. This is the hottest Chestica has looked in centuries and I'm not only saying that because her chichi balls are bigger than that baby's body. I'm only saying that, because she looks like a replica of Drag Race Willam in the face. Jessica dressed her daughter up as a rooster (or maybe she's a shower puff) and her fiance, who her family refers to as "Oh, You're Still Here," dressed up as Braveheart Mel Gibson. Since he's Mel Gibson for Halloween, I'm guessing he's going to take it all the way by screaming at Jessica to blow him before Jacuzzi. They'll eventually compromise by slathering strawberry Fluff on his peen. Peen and Fluff is only 2 Weight Watchers points. I checked. And when Whatshisname is done with that wig, he needs to give it to Papa Joe. Anything is better than the bleached mid-life crisis that's on Papa Joe's head right now. via @JessicaSimpson | |
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