Thursday, December 13, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Birthday Sluts Top

Jamie Foxx (45)
Taylor Swift (23)
Amy Lee (31)
Tom DeLonge (37)
Debbie Matenopoulos (38)
NeNe Leakes (44)
Steve Buscemi (55)
Morris Day (55)
Wendie Malick (62)
Ted Nugent (64)
John Davidson (71)
Christopher Plummer (83)
Dick Van Dyke (87)

 
Police Stop A Convicted Killer's Plan To Murder And Castrate Justin Bieber Top

File this under: Some "Coen Brothers movie for the Disney Channel" type shit.

Dana Martin (no relation to Donna Martin, I think), a convicted killer who is serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, wanted to keep terrorizing the country from behind bars, so he hooked up with two criminals and wanted them to keep his murder spree going. Dana Martin met fellow evil doer Mark Staake in a prison in New Mexico and together they planned several murders. Once Mark got out of prison, he and his nephew Tanner Ruane were supposed to murder two of Dana Martin's acquaintances in Vermont. They were supposed to strangle their victims with a paisley tie, because the paisley tie is Dana's signature. The crazy bitch is a regular fashionista. Once Mark and Tanner took out their first victims, they were supposed to travel to NYC and murder the Canadian baby Jesus known as Justin Bieber at his show at MSG in late November.

Dana got detailed in his instructions. He wanted Tanner and Mark to sneak backstage and strangle both Justin and his bodyguard with a paisley tie. Once they finished that, Tanner was supposed to cut both of their balls off. You can't castrate a castrati, but Tanner was going to try. KRQUE says Dana was going to pay Tanner and Mark $2,500 for each set of balls they cut off.

If this mess wasn't already weird, it gets weirder. Dana Martin is obsessed with Justin Bieber, obviously, and he has a tattoo of the Biebs' face on his leg. Early one morning while Dana was softly brushing the leg hair above his Bieber tattoo, he stared deep into the inky eyes of his Bieber tattoo and he suddenly realized that he could never hurt the pretty face of a singing unicorn fetus. So Dana Martin called the police and told them about his scheme. Dana Martin turned Mark and Tanner in. Mark was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. They were able to arrest Tanner in New York after cops recorded a conversation between him and Dana Martin. Tanner told Dana Martin that he's sad he didn't get to murder anybody.

The Lesbeaver's manager tells UsWeekly that they take every precaution to make sure that their little money maker is always okay.

The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties! But seriously, Dana Martin is in danger, girl. Dana Martin is a cold-blooded monster with the heart of Lucifer, but he's never screwed with the relentless Beliebers before. Once they get through with him, he'll be wishing he had a paisley tie to hang himself with. Don't screw with a Belieber who's got nothing but a whole lot of time in homeroom and a stack of lined paper to write crazy letter after crazy letter.

 
The Posthumous "Over The Moon" Watch: Princess Diana Edition Top

It's one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words "over the moon," but it's an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn't even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren't that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she's going to be a grandma would've made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:

"The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she's very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons."

We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping "over the moon" out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we're now making people who literally can't say it, say it! We have got to do better. It's as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute.... Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won't do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.

Here's Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight's premiere in London.

 
The Alaskan Prince William & Kate Middleton Are Getting A Divorce Top

A year and a half ago the sound of a shotgun salute was heard all through the meth capital of Alaska when Sarah Palin's oldest son Track married his girlfriend Britta Hanson. They got married in the afternoon on a weekday and she held a bouquet of grocery store flowers in front of her stomach, so everyone figured that her something new was a fetus all up in her belly. Three months later, Britta popped out Sarah Palin's newest grandchild Kyla Grace. Because gay marriage and weed are both now legal in Washington state, a smoke of sin wafted all the way over to Alaska and cut Track and Britta's marriage ties in half. Britta tells Radar that after 18 months of marriage, she's making Track Palin her first ex-husband.

"I'm fine with it. We just filed the papers so we aren't divorced yet. I'm not sure how long it will take to get the divorced finalized. We want to keep our personal lives private and we don't want to say anything about each other or the situation."

One of my eloquent cousins, who is really familiar with the shot gun wedding, gave me some beautiful words of advice once. She said something like, "Bitch, make sure you suck the dick long and hard before you commit to it, because after you commit it you'll only be allowed to suck on that dick and sometimes sucking on the same dick gets real boring." Everyone, including Britta, should take that advice. That advice works for two reasons: a) You should really love sucking the dick attached to the dude you're marrying and; b) If you're always sucking that dick to make sure you're okay with sucking that dick for the rest of your life, you probably won't get pregnant, because I don't think you can get pregnant from sucking dick (I think)! And if you don't get pregnant, then you won't have to cave in to the pressures of your boyfriend's family and get married when you really don't want to.

Not that I'm insinuating that Britta got knocked up before she got married. I'm sure right after she got married, the entire family prayed for God to bless her belly and before she knew it she was knocked up with a 6-month-old fetus. It was a miracle!

And more importantly, the hell kind of name is Track?

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

If your genitals are too moist and you want to dry them up, just stare at this picture of Madge sucking the youth out of Baby Brahim - Celebslam

Strangely enough, I scream for a brain epidural every time Megan Fox starts talking  - Lainey Gossip

So I guess I can cross "a picture of Anderson Cooper in assless meggings" off my Christmas list - Towleroad

The only person from Private Practice I want to see in a bikini is Benjamin Bratt, but I guess I'll settle for Kate Walsh  - Hollywood Tuna 

Nicole Kidman didn't piss on Zac Efron for nothing - Celebitchy

Amanda Seyfried buttchugged vodka in her dressing room at Letterman - The Superficial 

.....and in the elves locker room in Santa's Workshop, every elf just hung these pictures of Hayden Panatroll on the inside of their locker doors - Drunken Stepfather

27 pictures of hot pieces in kilts and not one wardrobe malfunction?! Please send them all to Anne Hathaway so she can show them how it's done - The Berry 

In a few months, a baby will get to say the words, "PEPAW DUBYA!" - ICYDK

In a "Who's more interesting?" competition between MiserAlba and that cake box, the cake box wins - Popoholic

In case you're wondering what's the #1 song on iTunes in Hell - Just Jared

Shia LaDouche's shaved head tells me that he got lice - Popsugar

The tampon nativity scene is almost more charming than LeAnn Rimes' suppositories nativity scene - OMG Blog 

Sweet Brown ain't got time for bronchitis, but she does have time for interviews - Crunk + Disorderly 

How long before Lindsay Lohan and Terry Richardson recreate these for AARP Magazine? - Hollywood Rag 

Xtina gives good GIF - Cityrag

Needs more tongue - SOW

Jennifer Aniston still hates her mom - I'm Not Obsessed

FYI: Ian McKellen's prostate is fine - ABC News 

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For December 12th! Top

via Evil Milk

 
Open Post: Hosted By Future Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey Top

The Texas T-Rex could get nominated for an Oscar for Magic Mike (I hope he does and I hope they use his "money in the ass crack" scene when they announce his name at the show), but who ever is in charge of giving out Oscars should just give him an Oscar already for The Dallas Buyers Club before he shrinks himself down to the size of a flea's kidney stone. And how can he carry an Oscar statue if he's the size of a flea's kidney stone?

Matthew McConaughey's favorite bong is still frowning today, because he's still only eating cow queefs (for protein) and dried kumquat seeds to play AIDS activist Rod Woodruff. Matthew shot a few scenes in New Orleans this morning and DAMN you know a ho is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 kind of skinny when it looks like his moustache weighs more than his entire body. We get it, Matthew, we get it, you're a method artiste. We all know it, so you can eat some chocolate nachos from El Pollo Loco now.

With all that being said, his Sonny Bono circa 1981 wig IS the look.

 
The Royals Are To Blame For Nurse Jacintha's Suicide, So Says Morrissey Top

YAASS! I've been waiting for Morrissey's thoughts on Duchess Kate's pregnancy and condition, because he loves the British royal family so much that he dresses up like Queen Elizabeth when he jacks off to a picture of Prince Philip. Morrissey is a natural born cunt, but he turns his cuntiness all the way up when it comes to the royal family and he hasn't disappointed me this time.

According to Morrissey, if Duchess Kate wasn't a STUNT PRINCESS who only checked herself into the hospital for attention, those Australian DJs never would've pranked the hospital and Nurse Jacintha would still be alive today. Prince William, Queen Elizabeth and Duchess Kate should all be charged with murder and sent to the gallows! For the record, Prince William and Duchess Kate put out a statement about how sad they were about Nurse Jacintha's death, but it's not enough for Morrissey! Morrissey mouth farted out this mess of words to New Zealand's 3News (via USA Today):

"There's no blame placed on Kate Middleton, who was in that hospital, as far as I can see, for absolutely no reason. She feels no shame about the death of this woman. The arrogance of the British royals is ... absolutely staggering. Why it's allowed to be, I really don't know."

Morrissey then squinted his eyes about Kate's health:

"Is it anorexia or is it pregnancy? ... I mean, morning sickness already? So much hoo haw and then suddenly as bright as a button as soon as this poor woman dies she's out of hospital? It doesn't ring true. [The Palace is to blame for putting] maximum pressure on this poor woman, and of course, that's kept away from the press. Certainly in England ... one cannot say anything against them."

Oh Morrissey, keep being you, keep being you. I'm actually surprised that Queen Elizabeth hasn't called MI6 and told them to take care of Morrissey. She probably has, but every time 007 tries to off Morrissey, Morrissey goes on and on about how James Bond is Queen Elizabeth's butt boy and a disgrace to England and blah blah blah... James Bond rolls his eyes, gives up and goes to the pub instead.

Every time Morrissey hates on the royal family, one of the Queen's corgis shits on a wee wee pad with his face on it.

 
Lindsay Lohan's Probation Gets Revoked Top

Lindsay Lohan has taken her stalking game international by following The Wanted to the UK, so she wasn't in court in Los Angeles today when a new judge she hasn't met, Commissioner Jane Godfrey, snatched probation away from her. LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace and it was revoked because she was officially charged for lying to the cops after she crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH. A hearing has been calendared in for January 13, 2013 and on that day, Judge Godfrey could throw LiLo in jail for 245 days for violating probation. Bitch should want to go to jail for 245 days, because you don't have to pay rent in there!

TMZ says that prosecutors think LiLo has had one million and four chances to stop fucking up and they should finally lock her up in a cell and stick the key up White Oprah's culito. But apparently, Judge Godfrey doesn't love sending messes to jail. Judge Godfrey presides over Drug Court and Homeless Court and she's known for sending people to therapy and rehab instead of jail. Judge Godfrey even has a special graduation ceremony for people who complete their therapy program and she uses her own money to buy them a Starbucks card for a graduation gift.

If LiLo is sent to jail, which she won't be, she'll be released due to overcrowding before she can even christen her cell by letting out a vodka-infused fart on the mattress. And if she's sent to a therapy program and gets a Starbucks gift card as a graduation gift, Judge Godfrey will regret the day she started giving out Starbucks gift cards. We all know what happened the last time a Lohan had a store card in their paw. They abused the power of the card and Fudgie the Whale almost got the fudge punched out of his ass. A Starbucks employee will know what it feels like to get slapped in the face with a Zac Brown Band CD when they refuse to trade LiLo's gift card for everything that's in the cash register and three cases of Starbucks Cabernet.

 
Drew Barrymore's Baby Makes Her Magazine Cover Debut Top

Thank our current reigning God, Bea Arthur, that the celebrity trend of debuting their baby's face on InstaWitter, FaceGram or TwitBook FOR FREE is temporarily over and celebrities are back to showing off their baby on the cover of a weekly magazine. Drew Barrymore waited 9 weeks until she put her daughter Olive in front of People's cameras, because that's usually when a newborn baby doesn't look like an adorable bag of wet yams anymore. Drew also talked to People and said stuff about being a mom for the first time:

On how being a new mom made her so nervous that she went on the Anne Hathaway Oscar diet for two weeks: "I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks, I was just so nervous!"

On how she's obsessed with her baby and is pretty much stalking her: "It's like the biggest crush I've ever had in my life!"

On how raising a baby is a helluva drug: "You have the highest highs and yet you're facing the biggest fear of, 'How do I keep someone alive?'"

Drew Barrymore brings up a seriously good point that I've never thought about. I'm afraid of having chirruns, because most of them are greedy, shifty and it's all about them. I mean, some nights you just want to be left alone with your bottle of vodka and they're crying for food, love and human attention and all that. But I never thought about it the way Drew thinks about it. You have to keep them alive too! Babies are like a real-life Tamagotchi. You have to give them food and attention AND you have to keep them alive. Raising a baby IS hard.

 

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