Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Mimi And Nick Cannon Do Each Other While Listening To Her Songs Top

Nick Cannon was on Howard Stern's Sirius show this morning and this is what we learned about his fuck life with the butterfly rainbow queen of the lambs herself Mimi:

- Nick Cannon and Mimi kept their panties on while dating. Mimi never hit that shit before they got married. The furthest they got was second base. Nick never fingered her butterfly box and she never took his peen for a test drive. When Howard asked Nick how could he marry Mariah Carey without knowing if she's good at giving blow jobs, he said something like, "She's Mariah Carey! I just knew she's good!" I don't know what that means. Porn star Mary Carey is known for sucking dick the right way, but I didn't know Mariah Carey was too. Maybe what Nick Cannon means is that since Mimi is a champion yodeler, she must be a champion beej giver too. When she puts a peen in her mouth and lets out one of her garage door-opening yodels, the vibrations hit the right spot so hard that the dude cums his ballsack out. That's probably what he means.

- Nick Cannon and Mimi bump genitals to her songs all the time. Nick told Howard that his sex time soundtrack of choice is filled with nothing but Mimi songs. This actually isn't surprising. What Nick didn't tell Howard is that Mimi also makes him wear a Mariah Carey mask and they do it on a bedspread with her face airbrushed on it. There's mirrors covering every wall in the room and right before they get it on, she sticks a multi-colored glitter pill in his peen hole so that he cums a sparkly rainbow. And I don't even want to get into what they do with the hoards of butterflies she keeps in cages down in the basement.

- Nick Cannon is so excited about being married to Mariah Carey that when she's gone, he faps to her songs. Nick's favorite song to hand hug his dick to is "Hero." That actually makes sense. Because every time Nick listens to a Mariah Carey song, he thinks of all the millions she's made from that song and then he thinks about all the millions that's in their joint bank account. When you listen to "Hero," you hear "AHAHAHAAAAOOOOOHA HAOHAHAAAAOOORRRHHAA" and Nick hears, "cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching." That's definitely a sound to fap to.

And can we retire "Hero" forever now that we have the image of Nick Cannon fingering his b-hole and squeezing his foreskin to the lyric "look inside you and be strong"?

Here's a clip from TMZ of Nick telling Howard all about his and Mimi's kinky fetishes:

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

It only took the help of a few animals wranglers, but Tom Hardy finally tamed and manicured the wild beast on his face - Lainey Gossip

Judging by the trailer for Man of Steel, I'm guessing you're supposed to watch the new emo-esque Superman movie while listening to the Morrissey album of your choice - The Superficial 

Factice Magazine didn't get any shot of Kim Kardashian's ass, because they couldn't afford to Photoshop the "Made in Indonesia by Mattel" stamp she's got on her butt cheek - Hollywood Tuna 

Doogie Howser is allergic to beaver - Towleroad

Too much beige, too much boring and too much camel toe for one cover - Celebitchy

Erin Heatherton seems really excited about being in a bikini - Drunken Stepfather

If Hilary Duff walks to her car and the paps aren't there to capture the moment, did Hilary Duff really walk to her car? -  Popoholic

Lindsay Lohan gets more money from Charlie Sheen than little girls with cancer do - IDLYITW

It's nice to see that the Jackson 5's old costumes were put to good use - OMG Blog

Speaking of stealing the Jackson 5's old costumes.... - Just Jared

Ashley Olsen almost DIED the other day, or something - Popsugar

Meet the newest and most talented Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader - The Berry 

Hopefully The Longer Ranger is the last nail in the coffin holding all of Johnny Depp's makeup, so he'll never paint his face white for a movie again - SOW

Kate Upton is everywhere else so she might as well be on Vogue - Hollywood Rag 

Wonky McValtrex should be fed to Mama June's chins for wearing a slutty Honey Boo Boo costume - Cityrag

The time I mistook Cher for Pete Burns - I'm Not Obsessed

Burrito Surprise sounds like the name of a sex act I don't want to know about  - Videogum

Pamela Anderson needs to hit Charlie Sheen up - Celebslam

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For December 11th! Top

via Izismile

 
Open Post: Hosted By The Spice Girls (Minus Posh) Top

Musicals on the West End in London are usually better than musicals on Broadway. First case in point: I paid 25 pounds to see Desperately Seeking the Musical, which used the songs of Blondie. It was a disaster. It was like watching shit dry on a strobe light and I'd pay 250 pounds to watch it again. Second case in point: Tonight on the West End, the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever! opened. Edina Monsoon wrote the book for Viva Forever! and it uses a bunch of Spice Girls songs to tell the story of a girl named Viva (HAHAHA) and her best friends "who get swept up in the obsession of today's TV celebrity culture." This needs to come to America now! But since I live in L.A. now, I'll be lucky if Viva Forever! comes to a community theater in Thousand Oaks in 2026.

Anyway, Viva Forever! opened tonight and Scary, Ginger, Baby and Sporty all posed on the red carpet together. Posh let the lessers of the group have their cute moment in front of the cameras before she showed up late and posed with her family and her fan instead.

I love how Posh looks like she just came from her office job and the other Spice Girls look like they've been waiting for this forever. Posh being underdressed is her way of letting you know that she doesn't give a shit shit  (not that she does shit) and she's just there because the contract she signed told her she had to be.

 
Darwin The Ikea Monkey Is Living In An Animal Sanctuary Now Top

Anna Wintour has made the children's faux shearling coat a staple of her winter wardrobe and every French couture designer will use it as an inspiration for their next collection and it's all because Darwin the monkey wore one during his fame-making appearance at an Ikea in Toronto over the weekend. Darwin became an instant fashion icon when he escaped out of his owner's car in an Ikea parking lot on Sunday. Ikea should've hired Darwin to be their official door greeter, but they didn't. Animal Services took him instead. Some people were worried that Darwin would be sold to the Kardashians and fed to Khloe (Yes, she's a cannibal. That's how EVIL she is.), but Animal Services sent him to live at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary instead.

The Globe and Mail says that Canadians aren't allowed to own Darwin's species, because they've been known to carry a type of herpes that is extremely dangerous to humans. Obviously, we don't have that same law in the US (see: The Kardashians). After Animal Services checked Darwin out and declared him healthy, they sent his 7-month-old ass to the primate sanctuary. Darwin's owner Yasmin Nakhuda isn't happy about this and she's afraid he's going to freak out without her. Yasmin and Darwin did everything together including showering and she thinks he might gets the serious monkey sads if they stay apart. Yasmin went on to say this:

"How do we know what he needs unless he's given the right to choose? I think he should be given the right to choose. If he chooses something else than me, that's fine. For me, it has never been about me, it has always been about him. He is more than a handful: needs to be baby bottle fed night time and needs at least three diaper changes a day. He has to be with me all the time which means he goes with me to the office, sleeps with me, eats with me, showers with me, goes shopping with me."

Yasmin dressed Darwin up in toddler clothes, locked him in her car while she went out shopping and I didn't think she was completely crazy until she said that he showers with her. Monkeys have been known to bite off human faces when they get spooked, so she's crazy for putting her bare crotch that close to a monkey's face. One small move and RIP, there goes your sex life right into a monkey's stomach. I don't think anybody wants to have to write on their Grindr profile: "I can't cum anymore since my monkey friend tore my fuck parts off, but send me a naked pic anyway!"

And here's another reason why Darwin is probably in a better place. Yasmin made him wear overalls. OVERALLS!

Does she think he's Justin Bieber or some shit?

 
Anne Hathaway's Coochie Hair Made An Appearance Last Night, But More Importantly What Are Those Boots?! Top

Anne Hathaway didn't wear panties to the NYC premiere of Les Miserables last night, because panties weigh like 0.10 pounds and she needs to look as skinny and malnourished as possible to win that Oscar. If you really need to know what shape Anne Hathaway points to in the pubic hair styling catalog when she goes to the waxing salon, make sure your boss is okay with muffs in the workplace when you look at the NSFW un-Oscar'd version of that pic by clicking here. Yes, Anne Hathaway should thank her crotch fur when she wins that Oscar, but who cares about that. We should be throwing holy water and hissing at those brace shoe things on her legs.

There was this one kid in my kindergarten class who had a bad mom. She was a drunk, never packed his lunch and always yelled at him in front of us after school. On Halloween day, he came to school without a costume on his body. The teacher and some of us students made him a Superman costume using construction paper and a trash bag. Yes, the trash bag was his cape and yes, his trash bag cape looked better and more expensive than the crap Anne Hathaway had on her back last night. Maybe Anne is trying to make extra money and is hoping that people will drop their recyclables in her trash bag cape? I don't know what's worse: that Hefty balloon on her back or those brace shoes. I'm going with the brace shoes.

Those brace shoes make Anne look like a dominatrix paraplegic cyborg. I'm a piece of trash who's always barefoot and even wearing socks make me feel like I'm being suffocated, so just looking at those leather leg warmers and belts on Anne's legs is making me hyperventilate. On a positive note, at least Anne can keep her cell phone, condoms, extra pair of panties, lipstick and tampons in there.

Here's more of Anne at last night's Les Mis premiere with Amanda Seyfried (Note: I don't know if that Star Trek triangle eyeliner is the look or not.), Eddie Redmayne, Samantha Barks, Hugh Jackman with his orange wife and Russell Crowe.

 
From The I CAN'T Files: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Do The Dirty Dancing Lift Top

Okay, Baby should be put in the corner this time.

At an after-party for Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles had the time of their lives when they did the Dirty Dancing lift on the dance floor. This would be okay if they had both snorted powdered Ecstasy or were ten shades of drunk, and did it as a joke. But you know they practiced this during one of their slumber parties and Taylor made the DJ play the right song and everything. They did this for serious.

Harry Styles had Taylor Swift's apple tart vagina that close to his face and she's looking up into the spotlights like she's Jennifer Grey, and he didn't drop her ass on the floor before picking up the phone to fire his publicist for setting this fake shit up? Molding pieces of bread into heart shapes to feed the ducks at Central Park during a staged photo op is ONE thing to do for attention, but doing the Dirty Dancing lift with Taylor Swift is another. At what cost is it worth getting a cover of Life & Style, Harry Styles? At what cost? I can't look at you anymore, Harry.

And in this picture, Taylor is totally saying, "Say, 'Nobody puts Taylor in the corner' one more time! Please. I won't make you tuck my Holly Hobbies dolls in tonight if you do."

via Heat World

 
Gandalf's Got Prostate Cancer, But Don't Worry It's "Contained" Top

Ian McKellen tells The Daily Mirror (via NYDN) that seven years ago his doctor told him he has prostate cancer, but there's no reason to do the slow wall slide while bawling with your mouth wide open, because the cancer is just sitting on his prostate and not going anywhere. It's kind of hard for Ian's prostate cancer to move when it has most of humanity screaming at it, "DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. MOVE. IAN MCKELLEN IS AN INTERNATIONAL TREASURE. STOP. DON'T. YOU DIDN'T ASK 'MOTHER, MAY I?' YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!" Ian shrugged while saying this about having prostate cancer:

"You do gulp when you hear the news. It's like when you go for an HIV test, you go 'Arghhh is this the end of the road? They come and say you have cancer of the prostate and then they say you can have it zapped, you can have it snipped but you are not a candidate for that. You are 'waitful watching.' I have heard of people dying from prostate cancer, and they are the unlucky ones, the people who didn't know they had got it and it went on the rampage. But at my age if it is diagnosed its not life threatening. I've not had any treatment."

I'd offer Ian my prostate, but I'm pretty sure it's unusable and looks like a dehydrated chicken liver that's been beat with a stick too many times. Ian doesn't want it anywhere near his ass. And since Ian's got prostate cancer, I'm going to give him a one-time fug pass for wearing UGGs to JFK the other day. Just like prostate cancer, I hope that Ian's love for wearing UGGS falls into Mount Doom and never comes back again.

 
Brooke Mueller Is Trying Rehab Again For The 19th Time Top

Over the weekend, Brooke Mueller almost slow danced with the Grim Reaper when she overdosed on some kind of bad shit. Brooke's assistant called 911 after she wouldn't wake up while passed out on her bed, and at the time she played the "I JUST HAD THE TIREDS!" card. But we all knew that she wasn't tired, because it's hard to be tired when you don't work, have a full-time nanny and a full-time assistant who will light your crack pipe so you don't have to.

Brooke is now admitting that she has a problem, but it isn't with crack, coke or Wet 'N Wild black eyeliner. Brooke has got it bad for Adderall.
TMZ says that Brooke admits that she's been eating too many Adderall pills and she just can't stop eating them. Brooke is back in rehab for the 19th time to try to kick her hunger for them. Brooke's lawyer tells TMZ in lawyer talk that bitch is an Adderallhead:

"Brooke was uncomfortable with the way Adderall was making her behave. Brooke continues her lifelong battle with drug addiction by taking these steps herself to prevent a further drug relapse."

"Brooke was uncomfortable with the way Adderall was making her behave" is really a nice way  of saying "Brooke was uncomfortable with the fact that she almost motherfucking died from eating too much Adderall." Brooke had a few drops of the sweet nectar in her body when she overdosed and she's currently on probation and isn't allowed to drink booze of any kind, so going to rehab could be a way of trying to avoid some time in the chokey. A tip for Brooke for next time: another good way to avoid spending time in the chokey is to be Lindsay Lohan. It works every time.

Yeah, being in rehab for the 19th time is nuts. But if at one point in my life I regularly sucked on Charlie Sheen's grilled sweet baby sausage dick after he blew crack smoke into my sex parts, I too would be reaching for mind-numbing substances at all hours of the day. It's a medical fact that whores who suck on Charlie's peen suffer from PTSD. Just look at that picture of Brooke above. Bitch is having a terrifying flashback.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 10th! Top

Madea's:"Mad Diaries of a Fast and Furious Black Woman", didn't do as well as Tyler Perry had hoped.- boredasfuckyo

Runners-up:

The Nicki Minaj street police is on the move. Mimi, you in danger girl. - MrsPotatoHead

2018: Blue Ivy would never let her Mom hide her away from the world again. - Oconnell

First 'Sons Of Anarchy' now 'Daughters Of Obesity'- El Bastardo

via Poorly Dressed

 

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