The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Darwin The Ikea Monkey Is Living In An Animal Sanctuary Now
- Anne Hathaway's Coochie Hair Made An Appearance Last Night, But More Importantly What Are Those Boots?!
- From The I CAN'T Files: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Do The Dirty Dancing Lift
- Gandalf's Got Prostate Cancer, But Don't Worry It's "Contained"
- Brooke Mueller Is Trying Rehab Again For The 19th Time
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 10th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Darwin The Ikea Monkey Is Living In An Animal Sanctuary Now | Top |
Anna Wintour has made the children's faux shearling coat a staple of her winter wardrobe and every French couture designer will use it as an inspiration for their next collection and it's all because Darwin the monkey wore one during his fame-making appearance at an Ikea in Toronto over the weekend. Darwin became an instant fashion icon when he escaped out of his owner's car in an Ikea parking lot on Sunday. Ikea should've hired Darwin to be their official door greeter, but they didn't. Animal Services took him instead. Some people were worried that Darwin would be sold to the Kardashians and fed to Khloe (Yes, she's a cannibal. That's how EVIL she is.), but Animal Services sent him to live at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary instead. The Globe and Mail says that Canadians aren't allowed to own Darwin's species, because they've been known to carry a type of herpes that is extremely dangerous to humans. Obviously, we don't have that same law in the US (see: The Kardashians). After Animal Services checked Darwin out and declared him healthy, they sent his 7-month-old ass to the primate sanctuary. Darwin's owner Yasmin Nakhuda isn't happy about this and she's afraid he's going to freak out without her. Yasmin and Darwin did everything together including showering and she thinks he might gets the serious monkey sads if they stay apart. Yasmin went on to say this:
Yasmin dressed Darwin up in toddler clothes, locked him in her car while she went out shopping and I didn't think she was completely crazy until she said that he showers with her. Monkeys have been known to bite off human faces when they get spooked, so she's crazy for putting her bare crotch that close to a monkey's face. One small move and RIP, there goes your sex life right into a monkey's stomach. I don't think anybody wants to have to write on their Grindr profile: "I can't cum anymore since my monkey friend tore my fuck parts off, but send me a naked pic anyway!" And here's another reason why Darwin is probably in a better place. Yasmin made him wear overalls. OVERALLS! Does she think he's Justin Bieber or some shit? | |
| Anne Hathaway's Coochie Hair Made An Appearance Last Night, But More Importantly What Are Those Boots?! | Top |
Anne Hathaway didn't wear panties to the NYC premiere of Les Miserables last night, because panties weigh like 0.10 pounds and she needs to look as skinny and malnourished as possible to win that Oscar. If you really need to know what shape Anne Hathaway points to in the pubic hair styling catalog when she goes to the waxing salon, make sure your boss is okay with muffs in the workplace when you look at the NSFW un-Oscar'd version of that pic by clicking here. Yes, Anne Hathaway should thank her crotch fur when she wins that Oscar, but who cares about that. We should be throwing holy water and hissing at those brace shoe things on her legs. There was this one kid in my kindergarten class who had a bad mom. She was a drunk, never packed his lunch and always yelled at him in front of us after school. On Halloween day, he came to school without a costume on his body. The teacher and some of us students made him a Superman costume using construction paper and a trash bag. Yes, the trash bag was his cape and yes, his trash bag cape looked better and more expensive than the crap Anne Hathaway had on her back last night. Maybe Anne is trying to make extra money and is hoping that people will drop their recyclables in her trash bag cape? I don't know what's worse: that Hefty balloon on her back or those brace shoes. I'm going with the brace shoes. Those brace shoes make Anne look like a dominatrix paraplegic cyborg. I'm a piece of trash who's always barefoot and even wearing socks make me feel like I'm being suffocated, so just looking at those leather leg warmers and belts on Anne's legs is making me hyperventilate. On a positive note, at least Anne can keep her cell phone, condoms, Here's more of Anne at last night's Les Mis premiere with Amanda Seyfried (Note: I don't know if that Star Trek triangle eyeliner is the look or not.), Eddie Redmayne, Samantha Barks, Hugh Jackman with his orange wife and Russell Crowe. | |
| From The I CAN'T Files: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Do The Dirty Dancing Lift | Top |
Okay, Baby should be put in the corner this time. At an after-party for Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles had the time of their lives when they did the Dirty Dancing lift on the dance floor. This would be okay if they had both snorted powdered Ecstasy or were ten shades of drunk, and did it as a joke. But you know they practiced this during one of their slumber parties and Taylor made the DJ play the right song and everything. They did this for serious. Harry Styles had Taylor Swift's apple tart vagina that close to his face and she's looking up into the spotlights like she's Jennifer Grey, and he didn't drop her ass on the floor before picking up the phone to fire his publicist for setting this fake shit up? Molding pieces of bread into heart shapes to feed the ducks at Central Park during a staged photo op is ONE thing to do for attention, but doing the Dirty Dancing lift with Taylor Swift is another. At what cost is it worth getting a cover of Life & Style, Harry Styles? At what cost? I can't look at you anymore, Harry. And in this picture, Taylor is totally saying, "Say, 'Nobody puts Taylor in the corner' one more time! Please. I won't make you tuck my Holly Hobbies dolls in tonight if you do." via Heat World | |
| Gandalf's Got Prostate Cancer, But Don't Worry It's "Contained" | Top |
Ian McKellen tells The Daily Mirror (via NYDN) that seven years ago his doctor told him he has prostate cancer, but there's no reason to do the slow wall slide while bawling with your mouth wide open, because the cancer is just sitting on his prostate and not going anywhere. It's kind of hard for Ian's prostate cancer to move when it has most of humanity screaming at it, "DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. MOVE. IAN MCKELLEN IS AN INTERNATIONAL TREASURE. STOP. DON'T. YOU DIDN'T ASK 'MOTHER, MAY I?' YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!" Ian shrugged while saying this about having prostate cancer:
I'd offer Ian my prostate, but I'm pretty sure it's unusable and looks like a dehydrated chicken liver that's been beat with a stick too many times. Ian doesn't want it anywhere near his ass. And since Ian's got prostate cancer, I'm going to give him a one-time fug pass for wearing UGGs to JFK the other day. Just like prostate cancer, I hope that Ian's love for wearing UGGS falls into Mount Doom and never comes back again. | |
| Brooke Mueller Is Trying Rehab Again For The 19th Time | Top |
Over the weekend, Brooke Mueller almost slow danced with the Grim Reaper when she overdosed on some kind of bad shit. Brooke's assistant called 911 after she wouldn't wake up while passed out on her bed, and at the time she played the "I JUST HAD THE TIREDS!" card. But we all knew that she wasn't tired, because it's hard to be tired when you don't work, have a full-time nanny and a full-time assistant who will light your crack pipe so you don't have to. Brooke is now admitting that she has a problem, but it isn't with crack, coke or Wet 'N Wild black eyeliner. Brooke has got it bad for Adderall.
"Brooke was uncomfortable with the way Adderall was making her behave" is really a nice way of saying "Brooke was uncomfortable with the fact that she almost motherfucking died from eating too much Adderall." Brooke had a few drops of the sweet nectar in her body when she overdosed and she's currently on probation and isn't allowed to drink booze of any kind, so going to rehab could be a way of trying to avoid some time in the chokey. A tip for Brooke for next time: another good way to avoid spending time in the chokey is to be Lindsay Lohan. It works every time. Yeah, being in rehab for the 19th time is nuts. But if at one point in my life I regularly sucked on Charlie Sheen's grilled sweet baby sausage dick after he blew crack smoke into my sex parts, I too would be reaching for mind-numbing substances at all hours of the day. It's a medical fact that whores who suck on Charlie's peen suffer from PTSD. Just look at that picture of Brooke above. Bitch is having a terrifying flashback. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 10th! | Top |
Madea's:"Mad Diaries of a Fast and Furious Black Woman", didn't do as well as Tyler Perry had hoped.- boredasfuckyo Runners-up: 2018: Blue Ivy would never let her Mom hide her away from the world again. - Oconnell First 'Sons Of Anarchy' now 'Daughters Of Obesity'- El Bastardo via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Nutsack Christmas Tree Ornament! If you've always wanted to walk into your living room and find John Travolta with his mouth around one of your Christmas tree ornaments, then this pair of holiday nutsacks is for you. The testicular cancer organization Orchid is raising awareness this holiday season by selling an ornament that I'd probably lick on if I was sober and would definitely lick on if I was drunk. It doesn't really look like man huevos to me. It looks more like a baboon's swollen anal glands that are about to pop or Elmo's shaved ass cheeks. It would be so much better if it came in blue or extra veiny, but they'll still look extra special hanging on your tree. Don't forget to top it with your Christmas peen star. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jermaine Jackson (58) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
We know the tabloids and the fans are loving this hot young couple! We also know that the relationship is completely fake and won't last much longer. The paparazzi are notified whenever they are on the move so they can be photographed holding hands and looking like a couple. All the hand-holding and party kissing is totally staged. They don't really care about each other… but they both sure know how to play the publicity game! They also know that they can never, ever admit that the whole relationship is a publicity stunt. And here's a fact that will either trouble fans or leave them greatly relieved: They aren't really spending the night together! They walk into the front door of her hotel holding hands, but he only spends a few minutes with her. He spends the night at his own place, and then meets up with her the next morning when they are ready to leave. The couple then leaves the hotel through the front door a couple a minutes apart to make it look like they spent the night together. The relationship is scheduled to be a very short one. They may ring in the New Year as a couple… but they won't make it to Valentine's Day. (Blind Gossip)
This popular young celebrity is pretty and personable and every marketer's dream. Most marketers would flinch, though, if one of her darkest secrets was to come to light. There was a time when she actually dated guys in whom she was genuinely interested. One of these guys was a celebrity. Like other Good Girls before her, she fell hard for him, and had a physical relationship with him. But he was just using her. She was crushed when she figured that out. Even worse, she was pregnant. There was never a question about her having the baby. Both she and her team were absolutely panic-stricken at thought of America's Good Girl bearing a child out of wedlock by America's Biggest Jerk. The baby was terminated, the couple broke up, and she went back to being America's Good Girl. It's one of the reasons her team has been so eager since then to have her beard for gay male celebrities since then. It's much, much safer that way. (Blind Gossip)
This reality show judge now has made it to 13 contestants and potential contestants he has had sex with. He doesn't promise them anything, but he implies they will move further along if they sleep with him. (CDAN)
This hated former B list reality star who is now a D list celebrity needs money and knows the way to get it is either a new reality show which unfortunately is not as far fetched as I hoped it would be or porn. She approached Playboy and they turned her down, but she has approached an adult video company about doing a Nadya Suleman type video. They are into the idea, but so far her asking fee is about ten times what Octomom got and they are only willing to pay her double and only because she is better looking. Hope they are not expecting better acting skills. (CDAN)
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| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Are we sure this is Miley Cyrus and not an Eastern European submissive bottom twink at a gay sex club in Berlin? - IDLYITW Jennifer Aniston covers her stomach (Star Magazine cover next week: SHE'S HIDING A BABY BUMP!) and hides her hitchin' ring (Life & Style cover next week: THE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF! JEN HIDING HER RINGLESS FINGER!) while going for a photo-op stroll with Justin Theroux - Lainey Gossip "ARRRGGHAHAAAAARGGGHARGGGGH" is the sound I made when Chip 'N Dale didn't win The Amazing Race - Towleroad The Yoga Turtle's leased piece is in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna Dear Stacy Keibler, Honey Boo Boo did it better - Drunken Stepfather Lana Del Rey sings about her pussy tasting like Pepsi and Beyonce's the one who gets the $50 million contract?! - The Berry Lea Michele's tits talk to her - Celebitchy A family of raccoons had to die so RiRi could look this classy - The Superficial The lining of Cheryl Cole's shirt quit her ass and she no care - Popoholic Let's just get this out of the way: we all boned Elmo when we were 16 - ICYDK The body language tells me that Nicole Scherzinger totally wants an audition for the role of Tommy Girl's next beard bride - Popsugar Tracy Thorn's got a Christmas song - OMG Blog Busy Phillips and her husband are having another baby. They named their first kid Birdie so I hope they stick with the McDonald's theme and name the second one Grimace - Just Jared Ricky's mother on Silver Spoons LIVES! - SOW What every Twihard wants for Christmas - The Frisky Vera Evans and Ben Diamond from Magic City are humping in real life - Moe Jackson Carmen Electra is trying the singing thing again - Hollywood Rag Beyonce is an art dork - Cityrag RIHANNA KILLED AND SKINNED ANIMAL! - I'm Not Obsessed | |
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